"Oh, Koumyou," Devero breathes. It would be heartbreaking enough to hear his sanzo sounding so wretched and miserable regarding anything, but when he's the cause? Oh, it's awful. He wants to reach out and hold Koumyou, but he's afraid to touch him. He wants to tell him that his fears are ridiculous, but he's afraid of making it worse. There's a cowardly part of him that just wants to say whatever it is that will appease and lift Koumyou's spirits, lest the priest decide to blame Devero for feeling the way he does...
Which, in a way, is the crux of the problem, isn't it? Standing here, emotions up but not uncontrolled, it's easy for Devero to understand that impulse as an unhelpful one, and dismiss it. But in the middle of their fight, when the fearful hound had bayed its warning, Devero had reacted to it instinctively.
He looks at Koumyou, and feels absolutely helpless to make him feel better.
But he can't not try. So what he finally says, after a moment of uncertain silence, is, "...Only you can answer those questions for yourself, Koumyou. I can't help you figure that out. But I-- I can tell you that-- the only time I've ever felt unsafe around you was that night. The only time.
"And I--" He has to stop, licking his lips nervously before he can speak, his own voice dropping now. "I've felt unsafe around Valdana for a very long time." Rust and ruin, it makes his heart pound to even admit that much so plainly. "So don't-- don't think that I just-- don't know how to tell, all right?"
He has to turn away, his grip on himself tightening. "I know I'm the one who got myself into the whole... f-fucking thing with her, so my track record is-isn't great, but... try to give me some credit?"
Except saying it like that makes him realize he deserves no credit at all. He submitted himself willing to Valdana's abuse, didn't he? Maybe Koumyou's right.
cw abuse trauma
Which, in a way, is the crux of the problem, isn't it? Standing here, emotions up but not uncontrolled, it's easy for Devero to understand that impulse as an unhelpful one, and dismiss it. But in the middle of their fight, when the fearful hound had bayed its warning, Devero had reacted to it instinctively.
He looks at Koumyou, and feels absolutely helpless to make him feel better.
But he can't not try. So what he finally says, after a moment of uncertain silence, is, "...Only you can answer those questions for yourself, Koumyou. I can't help you figure that out. But I-- I can tell you that-- the only time I've ever felt unsafe around you was that night. The only time.
"And I--" He has to stop, licking his lips nervously before he can speak, his own voice dropping now. "I've felt unsafe around Valdana for a very long time." Rust and ruin, it makes his heart pound to even admit that much so plainly. "So don't-- don't think that I just-- don't know how to tell, all right?"
He has to turn away, his grip on himself tightening. "I know I'm the one who got myself into the whole... f-fucking thing with her, so my track record is-isn't great, but... try to give me some credit?"
Except saying it like that makes him realize he deserves no credit at all. He submitted himself willing to Valdana's abuse, didn't he? Maybe Koumyou's right.