She blinked at that. Went very still as she watched him. Because yes, she felt like that.
Felt like that all the time. She never used to. Once she had been confident in her purpose, in her service to the shadow god, of her obedience to her guardians. Once she could face the world and whatever it threw at her with strength. Once any sorrow was soothed by the smile her sister. Once any pain could be healed by a honeycake. Once she could see a clear path, where they would eventually become warriors like Kant.
But then Taiwin had put her own dagger in her hand and ordered her to prove her loyalty. From then she had been alone. A day, perhaps two of not knowing if she would be killed as well, locked alone in the room that they had once shared. The emptiest room, echoing with loneliness and fear.
Then she had been told she would be leaving, to the temple. Leaving all she knew, the ruined remains of the life she had known. The moment she had wished for given to her twisted and covered in ashes.
But even then, she had instead ended up on a platform and on this train and since then. Since then not one thing had made sense. It hadn't all been bad. But it hadn't made sense. She was surrounded by light followers, people who believed in goodness. People who she knew would turn on her if they knew, if she let even the smallest part of her truth shine through.
She's exhausted. It's been ten months. She's been falling for so long. She knows she will go splat eventually and she's been fighting it, but it's hard. Harder still to know she can't go back. She can't. No one will believe her. She will be thought a runaway. She can't return. She's not even sure she can call herself a servant of the dark anymore. After all. What had she done these last ten months? Saved worlds. Helped people..
She hadn't killed, not one person. Monsters yes. But in the name of protection. But if she's not a dark servant than what is she? She's free falling, tumbling down and trying to make the best of the fall before she goes splat. Before everything goes splat.
cw: small child assassin thoughts, (implied) mentions of child murder, existential crisis
Felt like that all the time. She never used to. Once she had been confident in her purpose, in her service to the shadow god, of her obedience to her guardians. Once she could face the world and whatever it threw at her with strength. Once any sorrow was soothed by the smile her sister. Once any pain could be healed by a honeycake. Once she could see a clear path, where they would eventually become warriors like Kant.
But then Taiwin had put her own dagger in her hand and ordered her to prove her loyalty. From then she had been alone. A day, perhaps two of not knowing if she would be killed as well, locked alone in the room that they had once shared. The emptiest room, echoing with loneliness and fear.
Then she had been told she would be leaving, to the temple. Leaving all she knew, the ruined remains of the life she had known. The moment she had wished for given to her twisted and covered in ashes.
But even then, she had instead ended up on a platform and on this train and since then. Since then not one thing had made sense. It hadn't all been bad. But it hadn't made sense. She was surrounded by light followers, people who believed in goodness. People who she knew would turn on her if they knew, if she let even the smallest part of her truth shine through.
She's exhausted. It's been ten months. She's been falling for so long. She knows she will go splat eventually and she's been fighting it, but it's hard. Harder still to know she can't go back. She can't. No one will believe her. She will be thought a runaway. She can't return. She's not even sure she can call herself a servant of the dark anymore. After all. What had she done these last ten months? Saved worlds. Helped people..
She hadn't killed, not one person. Monsters yes. But in the name of protection. But if she's not a dark servant than what is she? She's free falling, tumbling down and trying to make the best of the fall before she goes splat. Before everything goes splat.
"Yes."
Her voice is very quiet.