voidtreckerexpress | “There is no path to happiness: happiness is the path.”

Devero's in the training gym when Koumyou finally finds him. It's abs day, which means he's got the climbing frame pulled out and he's doing a weird thing with his legs when the priest walks in.

Only after he's finished the move and lets his feet back down to the floor can he respond, "Hey, babe!"

Edited 2021-06-25 03:21 (UTC)

Oh no, Koumyou almost regrets having said a word. It wouldn't have been the first time he watched Devero do some weird exercise and it wouldn't have been the last. For one thing, it's interesting. For another thing, it's Devero.

Koumyou's only human, after all.

But he has a reason for hunting him down right now, and it's not to cheer him on and oggle. The priest walks closer, and on a whim he reaches out to pat Dev's stomach with a hand. What a good stomach.

"There's a poll up," he tells Devero while he does this, "but I want to talk before you go voting just yet."

Devero grins, wide and white in his otherwise red face, as Koumyou comes in close for a pat. Of his physique, he is justly proud, and Koumyou can be... opaque, sometimes, when it comes to expressing carnal appreciation.

He's more interested in the news, though. "Oh? So soon?" He'd been on the train nearly 3 months before there'd been a poll. Now, a month later, another one?

He finds the gym's ICP against the wall and would have started for it immediately but for Koumyou's words. He looks down at his boyfriend, bemused by the request. "Uh. Okay?"

Koumyou's opaque about a lot of things, to be fair.

"I was surprised too! It seems very soon, but here we are," Koumyou agrees with him, and then adds a guess; "You voted for the lab last time, didn't you?"

It's a very good guess, he knows Devero very well. The big guy is hardwired to put everyone else before himself and his interests, and if Dev's emotional reaction to getting a private room hadn't been so fresh in Koumyou's mind, he might have left it at that.

"Yeah," he says with a laugh. He knows he's predictable. "I'd actually rather have a machine shop, but a lab would presumably be more versatile. Virtue knows we could use some dedicated space for technical projects."

"I thought so, even though you were so desperate for the double rooms..."

For some privacy, shared with only his boyfriend instead of his boyfriend and two others. One of whom Koumyou had never even spoken to and he suspects Devero hadn't either.

He watches Devero closely, and tells him, "There's an option this time labeled 'dance'."

He shrugs and spreads his hands. "A lab's more useful for more people." Honestly, he hadn't realized quite how desperate he was for rival privacy until it had become an option that he couldn't access.

"Really? Dance?" He looks at the ICP again, as if he could see the poll from here to confirm that. "What do you think that means...?"

"Yes, but it doesn't ask what you think is most useful for the most people," Koumyou notes, reaching for one of his hands. Carefully, but also a little earnestly, he continues, "It asks 'What would make you happy?'."

It's something Koumyou would like to know too.

"Going by what it's done in the past, I assume it's suggesting some kind of dance studio."

Devero lets him take it, still staring at the ICP. After a moment he shakes his head and turns his attention back to the priest. "Doing my part to support our community makes me happy," he says, just as earnestly as Koumyou. "And we need that lab more than a-- a dance studio."

"The community is doing just fine," Koumyou squeezes his hand, looking up at Devero with a serious expression. He's focused just on Devero, right now, trying to read his face. "Would a lab make you happy? Not... helping get it, the lab itself."

He blinks as he considers that, saying after a moment, "It would be a relief to have a dedicated space to work on my drones. Easier to make progress if we can pool our resources and tools. And there's just something--" He pauses and gestures, the way he does when he's having trouble articulating himself. "There's an energy when you're all in the same space and you can just. Spontaneously collaborate. You know?"

He does sound fairly excited about the prospect, if nothing else.

"I--" don't know, he'd been about to say. But a flash of a memory from Taisouji flickers through his mind. It's not the same thing at all, but Koumyou recalls studying as a group, sometimes chiming in on each other's progress. Trying out new spells, listening to Seiran drone on about philosophy, Soujin's weird tips and tricks for all the strangest things, taken from his background in professional wrestling and rugby...

"Like being in a squad. Er, on a team. Right?"

Edited 2021-06-27 04:39 (UTC)

"Right!" he says with an enthusiastic nod. "A research team, even if we're not all working on the same projects all the time."

Tugging on Koumyou's hand, Devero starts to pull the priest over to the ICP. "I want to see what the other options are too."

Koumyou is, of course, easy to pull along. He peers at the list with Devero, even though he's seen it before. "I wonder what 'clocks' is? Pity it'll probably never win."

Honestly, if Devero didn't have an option that would make him happy, Koumyou had planned to either vote for clocks out of sheer curiosity, or art for more glitter fights.

"I think that's literally just clocks," Devero says absently, as he peruses the list. "Most folks don't have any way to keep time here and some of them have told me it bothers them. It probably would me, too, if I didn't have my Interface."

His finger hovers over the dance option without quite touching the screen. He can't help himself; he asks softly, "Do you really think this would be a dance studio...?"

"Well, when people voted 'spa', we got a spa car. When we voted 'double rooms' we got the double rooms car. So I figure most of these are 'the thing, but a whole car of it'. What else fits for dance?"

He's watching Devero carefully again, and gently asks, "Which would make you happier?"

"Maybe we'd just get a car full of fancy clocks if folks vote for that one, in that case," he says with a crooked smile.

His eyes go a little distant as he stares at the list. After a moment he shrugs. "I... don't know," he admits. "I haven't danced in a studio in a long time, but I don't need one to dance? The performance stage is fine, or in here, or-- anywhere." He shakes his head. "And the lab is more beneficial to the train anyway."

"That's what I was picturing!" Koumyou smiles, "Just a noisy room full of ticking and whirring. Maybe a bunch of cuckoo clocks?"

He's a chaotic enough gremlin to find the idea terribly entertaining.

"The train can handle itself," Koumyou points out gently, "if the majority wants it, it'll win. But you should vote for yourself, not for everyone else."

"Oh, no," Devero says with an uncertain laugh. "That's selfish, I can't do that."

So Koumyou reaches out with his free hand and pokes Devero, his face serious.

"What's it asking for on this poll?"

Devero recoils a little. "I know what it's asking," he says, "but the group always has to come before any one person's desires." Does he sound a little defensive as he says that?

"Nonsense. Everyone is going to vote for what would make them happiest, and if the majority wants the lab then we'll get the lab! But you," he pokes again, "shouldn't be an exception!"

"So I should be a selfish dick just because everyone else is going to be?" He shakes his head. "I was raised better than that."

"It's not selfish to admit you actually want things," Koumyou releases his hand, tucking both of his into his opposite sleeves. "It's not selfish to answer 'what would make you happy' honestly. It's not selfish to be happy."

He actually paces away a bit.

"And I know I'm not the only one who wants you to be happy, Devero. Even the train seems to want that for us individually, or it wouldn't ask. It would just assess the most useful additions and add them without bothering to poll us."

"Maybe the train just trying to bribe as many people as it can in one fell swoop," Devero retorts, crossing his arms. "Maybe it has no idea what people want or need because that's what its creator and crew are for, so it asks us for input because it can't make those decisions on its own. Maybe it wants us to be happy because it's trying to keep us complacent."

He scrubs the side of his face with one hand and sighs. "I am happy, Koumyou. That doesn't hang on if we get a lab or a dance studio or a train car full of cuckoo clocks."

"I just think you should vote on your own behalf, not on behalf of the whole train. Even if the vote itself ends up being the same."

Koumyou... doesn't know how to articulate it better than this, honestly. He's trying.

Devero looks over at the priest, and the corner of his mouth curls up again. "You would think that," he says, fondly but a little subdued. He's pretty sure Koumyou cares more about him than he's ever cared about himself.

"Someone on this train keeps calling me wise," Koumyou says without any heat, just... quiet. "I suppose that's only when it's convenient to listen."

Devero comes from a world that he sees through rose tinted glasses. If society was as perfect as the big guy claims, people like Valdana wouldn't get power.

And he can't help but think Devero's ingrained ideals must have made excellent leverage against him. Most of his self worth issues seem to stem from that twisted pillar within him, to Koumyou's mind.

"You try very hard to be the perfect citizen of your world, even when you're not on it. But I think... I think even that isn't good in excess. It worries me that even if this was something important, you would just follow the expected pattern you've set for yourself."

Ooh. That pointed comment makes Devero bristle; that barb has struck home, for sure. He turns on his heel to face Koumyou directly, scowling. "That's not fair!"

It kind of is, though, which is why he turns away again immediately. He paces away from Koumyou, but it's just that-- pacing. After half a dozen steps he turns and paces back. "If this was something important, it would be important for me to make the moral choice, so yeah. I would put the group first."

"Important to the group isn't the only kind of important there is, Devero," Koumyou says quietly, staying right where he is with his hands tucked away, tight on his own forearms inside his sleeves.

"It's the only kind that--" Matters? He knows it's not, and he can't even finish his heated objection. His eyes drop and he huddles in on himself.

He's spent... a long time, justifying choices he's made-- mostly in terms of things he's sacrificed (or 'compromised' on)-- as for the good of the group. And he's meant it, too. Just like he's a romantic, Devero's an idealist, and a good son of the World Government. Doing his part for his community, whatever that happens to be, is important to him.

But Koumyou's exactly right that Valdana has leveraged that honest, earnest desire to her own selfish ends. Maybe that's why he's getting so angry about this now-- because acknowledging that Koumyou's got a point chips away at one of the fundamental bulwarks he'd raised around his psyche to protect it from her abuse.

He whirls away again and buries his face in his hands. "Shit," he groans. "No it isn't. What am I saying?"

"I feel like... this idealism of yours, it's a double-edged sword. It helps make you the sweet, thoughtful man you are, but in excess... it can be used against you. Like, to make you feel like absolute trash for something like being removed from the World Guard."

Koumyou finally moves, approaching slowly and un-tucking a hand to set gently on Devero's back.

"If one of these choices would make you happier than the others, I feel like you should vote for it. And if an option here was important to you... I would hate for you to not go for it because you think some other option will be... mildly good for the group. Your life is your life, you need to live it for yourself, too. I'm not saying you should swan-dive into full-blown hedonistic selfishness, that just wouldn't be you. But... your happiness is important, too."

He's right, and Devero knows it.

Where he comes from, yes, there is an idealistic emphasis on contributing to the greater good of the group, whatever your group happens to be. But the other ideals of the World Government is that every citizen has a right to a comfortable quality of life, and that happy citizens are healthy citizens. People are expected to sacrifice extravagances, not their own well-being. Theirs is supposed to be a global nation of people who come together to make sure everyone's supported, so that everyone can pursue their interests and passions.

He's just had his interests and passions and, well, all the rest of his needs and wants, aggressively invalidated and dismissed for years.

Wrapping his arms around himself, he turns and tucks himself into the crook of the arm touching him. "She used it against me, didn't she?" he asks, his voice soft and... resigned. It's not really a question.

It's not a question, but Koumyou answers it anyway, wrapping his arms around the big guy as he does so. "Yes. I feel like she must have."

Anything to make Devero feel small and worthless, and thus so very grateful to be given any attention, any purpose...

Devero leans against him, hiding his face against Koumyou's bangs. "I said something to Persephone, in the fear cave. That I need to bring what Valdana's done to me into the light if I'm going to be able to-- to recover from it." He laughs once, bitterly. "So here's another one, then."

He straightens up, brushing a few strands of cornsilk-fine hair away from his face. He's finally able to look at the priest. "How is it you can always tell when I'm lying to myself?" he asks, soft and sad.

He can't always tell, of course. But he tries.

Rather than say that, judging it too obvious, Koumyou instead... goes for a joke.

"It's because I'm so wise!"

The joke does what it's supposed to and lightens the mood. Devero chuckles and leans down to smooch Koumyou's cheek. "You really are, my Sanzo-sama," he says.

He reaches into one of the pockets on his pants and fingers the lanyard where he keeps his ticket thoughtfully. "...Shall we vote?" he asks, just a little hesitantly.

Koumyou accepts the cheek-smooch, and goes up onto his toes to return the gesture. "Yes, lets."

Taking Koumyou's hand in one of his own and pulling out his ticket with the other, Devero tows the priest over to the ICP right there in the gym. He slots the ticket into the machine, takes a deep breath, squeezes Koumyou's hand...

And then votes for 'Dance'.

Koumyou watches him do it, and actually gasps! "I'm so proud of you!"

It's such a big step for the big guy, who's been convinced for so long that his own wants are worthless. Not just in the bedroom, but everywhere.

The priest pulls his ticket out with his free hand and follows suit, slotting it into the machine and then...

He also votes for 'Dance'.

Devero manages to hold himself together right up until Koumyou casts his vote for dance as well. He's not exactly surprised that the priest does so, but he's touched nonetheless, and his eyes brim with tears. He pulls Koumyou into him and embraces the priest fiercely. "Thank you," he whispers, and he doesn't just mean for the vote.

Squished into an embrace, Koumyou laughs a little breathlessly -- literally, breathlessly. "You're very welcome, my Devero."

“There is no path to happiness: happiness is the path.”

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw abuse trauma

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject