Sorry Always Seems the Hardest Word

[runs_on_batteries]

Who: Tony + Varies
What: Varies- but a lot of apologies
When: Basoon 18 (And 19 and 20.. you know, whenever)
Where: Varies
CW: None, language is a given
Notes: If you want something added here, just let me know

[For Tony, Ash and Renee: Mid-Morning 18]

After the council meeting, Tony had approached Ignis and requested that he let Tony and Ash approach Renee. There were a few things he wanted to talk to her about anyway and, frankly, he wasn't sure Ignis would be able to admit his team had needed help.

So mid-morning on the 18th, Tony found Ash and sought out the young redhead who had done so much for the mission. He spotted her in the dining car and waved in greeting. "Hey Renee, mind if Ash and I join you? You've not been an easy person to find the last few days. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were avoiding me." He, of course, knew this to only be a joke. Why would she be avoiding him?

[For Tony and Ignis: Mid-Afternoon 18]

Tony had opted after the awkwardness in the luggage carriage to give Ignis a chance to cool off. He didn't know if the man would see it that way, but he hoped for the best. When he spotted him in a quiet carriage, he tapped on the door and gave the other man a weak, forced smile. "May we talk?"

[For Tony and May: Over dinner]

It had been a couple days since he'd reacted so poorly to the news of his fate and he needed to set things right with the person who Peter held in even higher esteem than himself- May. So, he invited to have dinner with her. He'd roped someone else into dealing with the meal prep and clean up for this meal. He'd already done his share for the day. Instead, he'd made an effort to set up the table, make iced tea with some berries to sweeten it, and freshen up. She was important, after all.

[For Tony and Peter: Late night dessert]

It had been a long day, but one of those types you had trouble winding down from. He needed to talk to Peter and wasn't all that sure how to do it. Obviously, the right decision then was to seek him out late in the evening when the majority of the train had already gone to bed.

He'd poked his head into the dresser carriage and said quietly (knowing Peter would hear him) 'ice cream'. He hadn't even waited as he headed to the kitchen, knowing the boy would follow.

[For Tony and Reigen: Sometime on Basoon 20]

He felt bad about what had gone down when Ignis and he had been caught by Reigen in the luggage car. He knew what he'd said to the young man wasn't deserved. As he started grumbling about where the little bugger was, he finally found him in the game car.. playing Jenga by himself. Oh the poor bastard.

"Hey, take this, I'm tired of carrying it for you." Or maybe he should've used a more polite greeting. It was Tony, what did you expect?

Comments

[afterburner]

Renee was finishing up breakfast--toast and a couple of hard-boiled eggs that were left over, with a cup of coffee steaming nearby. She was hunched over it in the characteristic posture of someone who'd been food insecure at least part of their life, and she glanced up at Tony, narrowing hazel eyes at his approach. Her gaze drifted over to Ash behind him, and gave the Viis a nod.

"Sure, it's a free train, right?" Renee wasn't exactly going to justify the comment on her avoiding him with an actual answer. Just glance at his neck and the chain there for a moment, then back down to her food.

Next time she'd just take it to go.

Mid-Afternoon

[faithfulsupport]

Somehow Ignis was surprised that Tony was here and yet he wasn't. "Of course." The politeness was there but the crisp tone wasn't. He wasn't sure what this was all about and couldn't figure out why the older man was bothering to come talk to him. He'd politely bowed out of the situation, concurred easily with what had been said, what more was there to go over?

The truth was the truth no matter how it was sliced and served. The only error had been in himself not in the other man.

[runs_on_batteries]

Well that wasn't quite the warmth he'd expected. It was Renee though and she seemed the type who could get moody. Either way, he was going to assume it wasn't about him. Besides, he thought she and Ash were friends and that wasn't much of a greeting to the bunny either.

"That it is. All the freedom except the freedom to leave," he joked and sat down across from her. "How've you been? Did the weapon classes go well?"

[mayp]

May hadn't blamed Tony for the reaction he had to the news that he died. It wasn't something that you wanted to hear every day and honestly, she had been hesitant to tell him but knew he deserved to know the truth. She had accepted Tony's invitation to dinner even though she thought there was nothing to apologise for. Stepping into the dining area, she looked around her. "It looks lovely," she said as she took in the effort that he had gone to. "You didn't have to though."

[runs_on_batteries]

It was expected, but Ignis didn't seem himself when he answered. There was a weakness to his greeting that had Tony's heart wrenching in his chest, knowing the damage he'd caused.

He slipped into the booth across from his friend and sighed. He wasn't good at apologies, but he knew he owed one here. So he opted to start with something else- anything else- but the actual reason he came.

He pulled out of the pocket of his hoodie one of his socks with something inside it and pushed it over to him. Tony gave a self-conscious look at the weird object to put on the table. "I uh.. so I have this thing with Buttercup where we give gifts in socks. It was because I gave her some chocolate when we first got here and I couldn't find anything to wrap it in. She's done it back, which was pretty cute since she has tiny red socks that hardly fit anything inside." They were now hanging up in his workspace and yet not one person has ever asked him about them. It worked out since he didn't really want to admit that story to just anyone on the train. "So uh.. just pull the thing out and I'll take the sock back. It's clean, I promise."

[faithfulsupport]

Tony was acting strange, which was saying a lot. Green eyes blinked puzzedly at the sock sitting now in front of him, and he listened as the story was told. Any mention of Buttercup was always welcome and it helped slightly. The tiniest smile came out when the advisor pictured tiny red socks trying to be makeshift gift bags but his attention focused back on the gift.

Ignis was happy whenever he got anything, so a gift was an unexpected thing. Pulling the object out, the sock was slid back without looking at it or the man who'd given it to him. As he examined it, he realized what it was, and immediately took out his phone. Saying nothing, he went to the gallery and turned the phone around to Tony. That was the picture he'd taken of Tony and Peter napping in what looked like a web hammock.

[runs_on_batteries]

"Please, it's my pleasure." Since it was a long table with benches for seats, he couldn't actually get her chair for her, but he offered a hand to help her sit before going to the other side of the table for his seat.

Sitting down, he picked up the pitcher of iced tea and poured her glass first. "How are you settling in? Has some of the initial shock worn off by now?"

[runs_on_batteries]

Tony grinned when Ignis seemed to figure out what the present was. It was made of a thin layer of padding and fabric from the chairs he 'recycled', but it was a little case for his cell phone.

However, he didn't get a verbal reaction, which he was surprised about. Curious as to what he was being shown, he leaned in to see and.. he stared in shock. It was enough to get his cheeks just slightly getting a dusting of red. "I.. wow. Uh.. It's too bad we don't have a way to print that off yet." He'd start working on it though. It was very sweet the other man had thought to even take that picture- but embarrassing he'd been caught unaware like that. It took another moment before he could pull his gaze off of it and back to the man across the table.

Now there was only one thing left for him to do. With a deep breath, he pushed forward. "I'm sorry about that scene with Reigen. I.. I know I didn't handle it the best. We'd talked about what we were going to do when we feared we might be caught leaving the bathroom the other day, but perhaps what I said wasn't the right thing."

[faithfulsupport]

"You've more than enough projects on your plate." Ignis replied. "It's too bad you don't have a phone that I can transfer this to in order for you to share with Peter." Tony's reaction had been so worth it and he couldn't help but smile a little.

Putting his phone into the case, the advisor listened and inwardly bristled. His tone remained calm enough with the reply. "You told Reigen the truth. There isn't anything going on other than being mere playmates." This hurt Ignis to even say that, but he wasn't showing it and it was still the truth. He wasn't about to spare himself or his feelings.

Facts were facts.

[runs_on_batteries]

"Yes and I'm making some headway now that I have material to use, thanks in part to you." He tried to smile, but it was too hard to fake.

He sighed and shook his head. "If you were a 'mere playmate' then why am I wearing your necklace? Why have we done half of what we have together? I'm not sure what to call it given my situation and yours, but I wasn't trying to be accurate with him. I was trying to make it appear less important than it was. That's what I thought we'd wanted. I hate that I hurt you. He's guaranteed his silence so no harm will come to your reputation." He didn't really care about his own rep. He knew it had to mean something to Ignis though.

[faithfulsupport]

The advisor's head lowered at hearing about the necklace and he didn't have an answer, or at least an answer that would be considered an 'acceptable response.' But it shook, thinking over how kind Reigen was. "You need not worry about what you said, and I am grateful he is willing to overlook what he saw."

He didn't want to consider whatever it was the other was trying to say about importance. Ignis didn't want to give it any weight at all. So his gaze remained on the table. "I don't have a reputation as far as I'm aware, grateful as I am that you would try and protect it." That was true, he really appreciated that the non existent thing would be kept with dignity.

But there was one thing he felt he needed to address and he looked up, and there was a hardness in his green eyes that wasn't normally present. "The paradigm hasn't shifted. As I recall, I am something of a toy to you, although an important one. The terms were no commitment, and no promises. Did I misunderstand?"

[runs_on_batteries]

Tony didn't understand why Ignis was being so rigid with him like this. They certainly hadn't acted this way in the luggage room before Reigen had arrived. There was teasing and an obvious friendship between them and that was before they'd ended up in each other's arms.

"Well that's a load of shit, isn't it, Ignis? How can you say you don't care about or have a reputation? I'm not sure why you're being willfully ignorant about this but a whole train full of scared, kidnapped people took one look at you and said they believed they could put their trust in you. They saw a leader and a good man and they're right, even if you can't see it."

The part about the two of them had him sighing again and glancing toward the window. He knew better than to look at it too long, but for a couple moments it gave him a brief chance to think. "You're not a toy, Ignis, and you never have been one to me. Originally that had been meant as a joke and I never should've used those words. At the very least, you're my closest ally and friend here. I care about you, dammit, and.. this must be how you felt when I said that awful and untrue thing about you being unloyal. It's so heinously untrue. The only part that we haven't figured out is what we are in addition to that." He laid his hand out, palm side up on the table, silently asking for the other man to take it. "You have my promise and commitment to a degree only Peter has on this train- albeit, in a different manner. I'd be lost if anything were to happen to you."

[bombashbunny]

Ash wasn't too far behind Tony, but she did make herself a cup of coffee. She sat down across from Renee, making absolutely no attempt to trap her or anything. If she wanted to go, she could. There wasn't really much for her to say yet, so she gave Renee a nod and took a sip of her coffee. It was her way to defer to someone else unless spoken to or needing to give her own insight, so for now she stayed quiet.

[faithfulsupport]

Green eyes narrowed at the cuss word but then Tony went on to say other people looked to him. He wanted to say that he only cared about what his team thought of him but that wasn't true. Ignis didn't want anyone to have an issue with him and even if he still needed time to get used to the council, their opinion was important, even if it was only a silent one. Friends' opinions were important to him as well. So his gaze refocused on the table and tried to let the compliments of being a good man and a leader go right over his head, but it wasn't working. They were sticking around it seemed.

His eyes returned to Tony's face when he was rescinding what was said about being a toy. It was nice to hear that he was the other man's closest friend and ally and of course Ignis knew the older man cared about him. The rest..he could feel himself shaking and he didn't know what to say or do so he just sort of stared at the hand laying there. The advisor could figure out what was silently being asked of him but he was focusing on the last words of Tony saying that he would be lost if anything happened to him. Those words tumbled around in his mind along with being a good man and people trusting him.

For several long moments he stared and looked up at the other's dark eyes, trying to ignore the shaking. "You asked me what I wanted when this all began and I said you. But what is it that you want?" Ignis wanted to take that hand so badly but he needed clarification so he knew precisely what was going on.

[runs_on_batteries]

Tony didn't know why Ignis was acting like this. He wanted to understand but at the same time he was getting very frustrated. He'd thought Ignis knew by now how poor Tony was with words once they actually meant something and weren't just a smoke shield of sorts. Part of him wanted to shake the adviser till some sense came to him, but the rest of course wanted only for him to hear what Tony couldn't say correctly.

So with a deep frown, he pulled his hand back, feeling the rejection sharply. He'd pushed this too far and hurt Ignis too badly for this to be fixed. Would it be kinder to simply leave and let the man do whatever the hell he wanted? He was at a complete loss.

And that question. What was he supposed to say? How could he create clarity when there was only confusion. His gaze couldn't remain on Ignis and trailed down to the spot on the table his hand had been. "I'm not the only one who has someone else they've promised their heart to."

[faithfulsupport]

He wasn't sure why Tony has pulled back and Ignis had caught the frown. That was repaid with one of his own but he was going to try to clarify his side. "I have always known my place back home with Noct. I was always his advisor and anything else he required of me. I would never take Lady Lunafreya's place in his heart no matter how I felt. I knew that and I accepted it."

Sighing, Ignis rubbed his forehead a moment. He really didn't want to go over any of this at all so he looked at the table. "I suppose..it was wrong of me to assume that it would be the same with you. I would never try and take Pepper's place, nor that of your children. I've no wish to complicate your life or make it harder. So if she showed or if Peter disapproved, I would simply bow out." His jaw clenched and his hands clenched into fists on the table.

The advisor did not want to ask his next question, but he looked up at Tony finally. "Has..has the paradigm changed then?"

[runs_on_batteries]

Tony knew what it was like to always be seen as the bad guy when all he'd aspired to do was be someone who helped people- at least since his epiphany with his place in the world. He'd made enough mistakes to know that more than likely those people were correct about him for the most part. He was selfish and could be careless and probably caused a whole lot more harm than good. But it was hard to feel like that again here. He had never wanted to hurt Ignis or treat him poorly. How could that be questioned by the man across from him? Others might not be sure of his motives, but Ignis questioning them? That cut deep.

His gaze lifted as he listened. He wanted to argue that they weren't the same person- Noct and Tony. Noct hadn't cared and Tony did. Wasn't that obvious? Had he missed something? Had he not made it clear enough that he cared? But he had to consider it from Ignis' view. A man who had forever been a servant.. what did that do to Ignis' view of the world? Tony couldn't fathom it, as much as he was trying to.

He frowned, unsure what that meant. "How do you mean? What would be the same with me?" He wanted to understand. He nodded a bit at hearing Ignis understood it was a different relationship than he had with his wife and obviously a different one than with Peter or Morgan. However, he felt still a sting at the idea Ignis would walk away from this. "I'm not sure I'd do the same for you." He admitted. "I'm unconvinced he actually deserves you."

"No," he shook his head. "I think the paradigm was wrong to begin with." However, he relented a bit. It was clear Ignis was trying now. "I don't know what this is or what it's called or what the rules are. I don't know if we can put a label on it and put in a tidy box. You've been here a month. I've been here a month and a half. I've just learned for sure that I'm really only breaking my vow 'til death do us part' by a matter of minutes. I've got no answers for you. I don't fault you for needing them, but I don't have them. If you feel I've treated you poorly or if this is too hard then tell me and we can.." He shook his head. He didn't really want to open that door, but how couldn't he? Ignis might just want out. "You wanted a promise, so you have my promise I won't.. I won't hold it against you." They'd tried. Tony had failed. What else was new?

[faithfulsupport]

"I meant that I would fit into your life by being second." Ignis really hoped this wasn't a complicated thing to figure out. At hearing the part about Tony not walking away, he had to smile. Oaths at six were still oaths at six regardless. Still, he couldn't help but feel happy so he smiled fondly at the older man. Noctis wouldn't have a problem with Tony in his life. Being the king's hand never inhibited him from a private life. He'd just never chosen to have one due to his own feelings. "I appreciate the protection."

His head shook at Tony's comments about the box, though he was happy at the shift. "I'm not asking you for a fairy tale, nor am I asking you to marry me. And we've started to get to know each other." They had done things a little awkwardly but they were on the right track talking some of these things out as they were doing now.

The part where there was an offer to walk had Ignis shake his head and he got up slowly. Moving to the other side of the table, he knelt down on the floor, looking up at Tony. "You said that I have your promise and commitment to a degree only Peter has in a different manner. As long as that's true then I don't need a title or label or a box to tidy up. We've things to work on and as long as we do that, the rest will fall into line when it's time."

Hesitantly he reached for Tony's hand, not sure if the gesture would be welcome.

[mayp]

May let him help her onto one of the benches, which wasn't something she normally would do. She knew better than to argue with Tony, he could be stubborn from the little she knew of him.

"It's passing, it's an odd place but I suppose it could be worse. I can't say I like looking like I'm in a prison though," she laughed indicating the bright orange jumpsuit that she was wearing.

[runs_on_batteries]

It was rather ironic that now that Ignis was feeling better about them, Tony would be struggling to find a way out of the emotional hole he'd found himself in. Guilt was a fierce poison that once in his system, it was slow to thin out until it could be ignored again for a while.

That being said, when he looked and Ignis was sounding more hopeful and less hurt, Tony was grateful for it. He wondered, though, if the remark that Ignis wasn't looking for those things was true. He had no doubt Ignis thought they were the truth. It was simply a question of whether deep down, it wasn't something only a fool or the innocent would believe.

His eyebrows rose as Ignis got up and moved closer. He breathed a soft laugh, at the young man kneeling again. Whatever reason the adviser kept doing that, it charmed Tony to no end. When his hand was reached for, he immediately gave it. However, he also tugged Ignis to him and wrapped his arms around him. Glass walls on one side of the quiet car be damned, he dragged the man right into his lap and hugged him for all he was worth.

[faithfulsupport]

Tony looked pretty grim and Ignis wished he had the magic words to make everything all better. But he knew that he didn't have them and the silence bugged him. Tony was an animated bird who loved noise and communication and now there was none of it. So the waiting was a little more tense than he would have liked it. Fortunately Ignis was a patient person most of the time.

Hearing the other laugh though made him look up into those dark eyes and very soon he found himself being tugged at. He wasn't sure what to make of it but his limbs felt like they were going everywhere at once. Everything settled after a few moments and Ignis found his head on Tony's shoulder.

Breathing a sigh of relief, the advisor put his arms around the other man and held on simply content to hold and be held. This was where he wanted to be and where he felt home was now, safely wrapped up in Tony's arms.

[runs_on_batteries]

Tony let them simply enjoy this for a few minutes. When he finally drew back, he first stole a kiss, but then asked, "So, darling- am I still allowed to call you that?- What would you like me to say if people ask about us?" At the moment, there were very few descriptions he wouldn't agree to.

Even before he got an answer, Tony was pressing another kiss to Ignis' forehead and cheek and even doing that little rub their nose thing that Ignis had done a couple times.

"Also.. would you mind smoothing things out with Reigen? I'm quite sure he thinks I'm a terrible human being."

[faithfulsupport]

Tony got a half frowning face at the question. "Of course you can still call me that." Really it was Ignis' nickname for Tony since the other called him tiger, but whatever worked. He still wanted to be called beautiful and sweetheart and all that too.

Ignis couldn't help but smile at hearing the word 'us' and he thought about how best to answer the question. It did still need to be addressed and it was the reason they were here.

It wasn't easy to think with the other doing all of the little wonderfully appreciated forms of affection but they were definitely welcome. So something finally came to mind. "A work in progress?"

His head cocked to the side at the request, concerned. "What happened with Reigen?"

[runs_on_batteries]

Tony hadn't caught on that that was supposed to be his name. He just planned on using whatever affectionate name popped in his head, except of course the obvious one would remain the most prevalent.

He snorted a laugh at the relationship status before nodding. "That describes it pretty well. I was going to suggest 'it's complicated' but this works better." Except now that he said it, his human faded a bit. "Well.. but we should probably talk to Peter. I mean, I should, not 'we'. As much as I'm sure you'd handle the situation better than I could, I'll bet that needs to be a 'he and I' conversation."

He rolled his eyes and laughed again. "Now I know you think I'm perfect, but you've met me right? Think about the scene when you left. What are the chances I didn't screw that up?" Like none.

[faithfulsupport]

Ignis wasn't sure why he felt nervous at Tony speaking to Peter about them but he nodded because it was a wise conversation to have just in case. "What do you plan on telling him?" The boy's opinion was the only other one that the advisor cared about. This was because he didn't want whatever he had with the boy's surrogate father to become an issue and get in between them. If that became the case, he'd walk. It was right though that it would be only Tony and Peter, as Ignis wouldn't dream of interfering.

The head lowered and the advisor groaned as he was busy picturing all sorts of wild scenarios. He heard Tony's laugh but it just made him wonder how bad it all went over. "Alright, I'll go talk with Reigen. If not today, then I'll do it tomorrow so I can find out what happened."