voidtreckerexpress | [Closed] discussions need to be had!

[the aftermath of the mission has left xichen uneasy, moreso than he'd thought that it would have. the taste of what had almost felt like freedom, the complete removal of the pressures and expectations of being who he is -- zewu-jun -- had left him feeling nearly weightless.

he feels guilty for it now, for missing simply being lan huan.

it is not that xichen wishes to unburden himself all the time, it is not that he is not grateful nor ready for the continuous climb that comes with being who he is. he knows his place. yet, nearly a decade as leader of his sect and despite his uncle's continued support he feels tired.

the war has left him tired. wangji's punishment feels very much like a raw wound, the tension between his sworn brothers is difficult to navigate and being an uncle himself -- despite the successes he sees evidently in lan sizhui, well... xichen is not ready. he feels overwhelmed.

so he feels guilty for it and that adds to a feeling of unease, which is already brewing given what he's learned in his time here. wei wuxian had revealed that his lack of core had guided so many of his decisions prior and following the war, had played a version of 'cleansing' that xichen did not recognize but unnerved him. given what his own counterpart had said about meng yao... xichen cannot help but worry what it will mean for his future.

he shakes that thought away as he settles down in the garden car, on the soft grass instead of on the bench nearby. it's more comfortable this way, with rabbits who look familiar resting near by. he starts with the version of 'cleansing' familiar to him, soft and gentle. but as the tune continues, curiosity gets the better of him and he tries to pull the memories of the tune wei wuxian played to the forefront, to see if he can recreate the tune and place what is so wrong here.]

[the garden carriage is becoming a second home for lan xichen, especially in the aftermath of their last mission.

he spends his time there with his flute in hand or sometimes simply sitting and meditating. it's a second favorite to both the quiet carriages and the library, which are easier to handle than some of the busier areas around.

this morning he finds himself seated on a bench near the bond, with paper resting against what he's learned is a clipboard in his lap. he'd brought his brushes with him, a set given to him by mingjue not a long time ago but what now feels like a lifetime. then he'd realized he had no paint and the opportunity to buy some had passed him by. so, now he sits with the brushes set aside and pencils in hand. it is not the same as painting, but not so dissimilar to drawing with charcoals on a page.

he focuses on the page, but glances up as he hears footsteps approaching. they sound slow, tentative and he's not sure who it could be.]

[ Xichen rises from his own meditation to go great his other self, but then the young Xichen starts playing the song that he taught--

And Xichen's breath catches, blood draining from his face, leaving in paper white.

The music changes, the change of his nightmares, and he stumbles. The qin is taken out of its pouch as though it materializes under his fingers. He only plays one chord, almost crude, dispelling any spiritual energy in the car. Then he sets the instrument down, one edge on the ground, the other hand hanging helplessly at his side. Trembling lightly.

His voice is soft, as usual, but dulled, shaking slightly. ]

Don't.

[normally, when lan sizhui goes to the garden carriage, it's to meditate because his thoughts are uneasy. that's what he believes is on his agenda today, what with all the goings-on aboard the train and the lingering fallout of their last ‘mission.’ and yes, mission like that because what an absolute mess of an operation to be quite honest! it's something that's weighed on his mind long, long after they'd returned to the voidtrecker express, which is why he'd hoped coming here would help.

what's unexpected is stumbling across lan xichen perched on one of the benches, clipboard and pencils in hand, looking like he's wholly engrossed with whatever it is he's doing, at least until the man looks up once sizhui's drawn closer in an attempt to see.

he straightens, circles both arms around and clasps his hands, head bowed.] Hello, Zewu-jun, I'm sorry if I disturbed you. [the boy couldn't help himself, really! also, he's admittedly glad to see someone he (sort of? mostly???) knows who might be able to give him a bit of advice about his whole ordeal, the mixed emotions and confusion that comes alongside them.

nevertheless, looking calm and composed despite being worried, sizhui gestures toward his uncle's handiwork.] Might I ask what you're drawing?

[the sound of the qin is jarring, drawing xichen out of the trance that playing the tune had put him in.

the note dissipates the unease that had been growing within him, settles him back into a state he's familiar with instead of feeling dread grow within his chest.

he opens his eyes, frowns when he sees his older self sitting before him. he takes the sight of him in, hears the trembling as he speaks.] What is it? [the music clearly means something, terrible as it is.]

Music that was stolen from the forbidden section of the library at the Cloud Recesses. Music that disturbs and destroys, twisting the Song it got merged into to make it its opposite.

Destruction. Betrayal.

Hope turned to despair.

Don't.

[very few have access to that area of the library that xichen cannot fathom who it could be for a moment; until he remembers both the words of wei wuxian and this man before him.

he frowns, feeling as if he knows what the answer will be even as he asks it.] We know it intimately then?

[ Xichen's face falls even more. ]

Not until it was too late. Far too late.

You haven't disturbed me at all. [it's been easier, after over a month on the voidtrecker express, to see lan sizhui as little a-yuan and his nephew. there are plenty of similarity, given he can see how the boy has grown.

xichen might not know him yet, but he is this young man's uncle. he offers him a soft smile, scooting over slightly when sizhui leans over to admire his work as there's room on the bench.

the canvas is filled with the view from the hanshi, doors opened into the courtyard in front of it. the shapes are vaguely there, details not yet filled with charcoal.] Simply something familiar from home. [he offers, motioning for his nephew to sit if he wishes before moving the brushes into his own lap. they're precious things, though he has no use for them now.] Do you still draw, nephew? [the toldder he knows doesn't paint, of course, but he's taken interest in xichen's painting sets and has tried to mimic what he's seen enough times that the first jade of lan thinks he might have an aptitude for it in the future.]

[xichen swallows, brows knit together.] Would it have been possible to know sooner?

[ After a moment's consideration, he shakes his head slightly. ]

The one who did it would never have allowed us to hear it played like this, and we are not the kind to sneak in secrecy unless we have a very good reason. The only evidence was a pair of cut-off pages, neatly, from a book in the restricted section which nobody really looks for.

It comes down to who we choose to trust. In our pride... we choose wrong.

[there are so few people allowed in the library, that xichen's chest aches at the thought of who it could be.

still, if he hadn't heard and hadn't had reason to be suspicious --- there's already something awful about that.] The only person I trust who's skilled enough to play a song of this difficulty is Wangji and he wouldn't do this. [even with all of xichen's failures in his role as a brother, with wangji laying healing and scarred, he knows in his heart that he wouldn't consider it.]

[ Xichen's eyes widen, and he immediately shakes his head. ]

No, of course he would not.

Besides... it happened before his seclusion was over.

[ So... not yet. But soon. ]

Uncle's skills also lie elsewhere. [Though he has been a capable teacher, of course.

So, Xichen sits with brows furrowed and knowing he's toeing toward an edge.] Who else is capable then?

[ Xichen watches him for a long moment, then drops his gaze. ]

Knowing will hurt. And you will not have a way to make it hurt less. It is likely going to be easier if you do not ask.

[ Easier.

Kinder.

Whether it will be better, Xichen cannot say. ]

I'm pleased to hear that. [because honestly, he could use the company right now, regardless of what he continues telling himself. who better to talk to than his uncle, anyhow? lan xichen is sure to have some sort of advice, after all, even though he's from before everything awful happened.

actually, would that make things better? hmmm... probably not, given the other stressful things that fell into his lap— which sounds worse than it should, so probably best he's keeping quiet.

though he wastes no time scurrying closer, eyes alight with wonder once he sees what the man has drawn.] Oh, it's lovely! [and just as before, sizhui's instantly moving even closer, downturning his gaze momentarily to the brushes before sitting and lifting his attention again. his curiosity runs unrestrained most days, yet he resists asking for now, nodding instead toward the question being asked.] I do. I've experimented a lot with arts and crafts while aboard the train. [like, his new favorite thing is origami and testing his limits there, all while creating cute paper items he can either give away to his friends and family or pin up in his room.]

[that's answer enough, the pain of it.

xichen's own pride flares, stubbornness with it. he is not a child, meant to be coddled and protected. he has lead men through a war, had taken on the mantle of sect leader before he'd left his adolescence. he had not been left to flounder of course, with his uncle still at his side, but -- he lets out a sigh, watches his older self with a crease in his brows.] And if knowing could prevent it?

[it feels natural to offer the clipboard out to this young man, along with the pencil.

xichen does it before he thinks, brows knit together at the eagerness and urgent energy he feels shift in the air. he does not know this young man, not like he will one day, but it reminds him of the way the toddler he knows scrambles close and seeks touch when he's upset and not wishing to show it.

it surprises him that a handful of months after taking on the title of uncle, he knows so much.] What do you draw? [he asks, one brow raised.] I didn't realize they had supplies for us to draw with. I could only find the paper and pencil after I realized I was too late to purchase proper paints. [he glances at the brush set again, looking somewhat amused, before looking at his nephew again.]

[without hesitation, sizhui accepts the clipboard first then the pencil, wide-eyed and open-mouthed with awe initially. such an honor to have zewu-jun hand over his beautiful artwork like this!] Ah... are you sure? I wouldn't want to ruin your hard work, Zewu-jun.

[as he knows how to draw, but wouldn't say his technique could measure up; foliage, some animals, maybe other miscellaneous things here or there? so he wants to be sure!

touch may not be necessary for this situation, he's clearly not going to turn down any comfort lan xichen offers him though.] Scenery and inanimate objects, mostly. I can do some animals but haven't tried anything else. [yet, that is, even if he doesn't say it aloud just in case he doesn't actually try.] I wish they had more, to be honest, but these do in a pinch. [attention following his uncle's, sizhui smiles at the implication and nods, twisting the pencil between his fingers while waiting patiently.] That's okay, we can try next platform.

I am certain. [he offers, giving the younger man an encouraging nod.] And while I am sure your skills have improved since the days you spread paints all over my desk, even if that is not the case, we have more paper.

[teasing, soft. xichen pushes past the feeling of hesitation that follows, though the worry burrows to the surface and shows on his features.

it is lucky, that sizhui keeps talking. answering.] Which animals? [he asks, genuinely curious. maybe this is a hobby for him to look into, to pass the time. though he is considering exploring the more modern options available to them.] We can. The wait isn't much longer, I believe? I am still not used to the schedule.

[can't get much better than certain, right? that, alongside lan xichen's physical encouragement and his remark, sizhui can't help feeling emboldened, chuckling softly before commenting,] I assure you, my abilities have far improved since then, but that's reassuring to know, Uncle.

Thank you. [and he sets about adding small details; some recognizable foliage here, an overly large stone there, a walkway.

whenever his uncle inquires about the animals, he pauses, upturns his gaze and answers,] Rabbits are what I'm best at. [surprising absolutely no one!] But I can also draw deer, some birds, a dog, and... sort of a dragon? [maybe if he's lucky enough, one of these days jingyi will lounge around and let himself be drawn proper-like.]

[it's still strange, to hear sizhui call him uncle so confidently. as a child, he hasn't quite wrapped his mind around it yet. this new guardian is not the one person he knows, a father who he cannot see often due to the very man's medical condition.

xichen finds he doesn't mind it. he hopes he is at least has as good of an uncle as his own is, that he manages to give the child this young man once was a childhood until wangji is able to take the reigns.

he feels unprepared still but it is a role he can slip in to, take on when he does not understand what role he plays to others in this world other than someone looked at with pity for an inevitability he has not experienced yet.

he shakes his head slightly, trying to ground himself. he watches as sizhui draws.] You underplay your skill in this. [soft, amused and warm.] Perhaps Jingyi will pose for you if you need a model for the last? [a pause.] Are rabbits the best because you have the most practice? [a-yuan likes the rabbit patch after all, though they've only been a few times now.]

[ Xichen slowly raises his eyes and looks at his other self.

Can he do it, if he knows? Will he even believe it enough to act, without the deed being done? ]

When people asked similar questions of the train, I believe there was no conclusive answer. It is not known what happens after people leave the train. There are some who have left and returned, remembering; there are some who have left and returned, not knowing anything about their time here.

So I cannot answer you.

And if you choose to not know, to spare yourself, I can tell you what would make a difference, if you would heed it and remember it.

Trust da ge. Even when it seems his anger is blinding him, his judgment is sounder than ours.

[odd as it is, little a-yuan grows accustomed to the change eventually, then even uses it with familial fondness at some point and never looked back from there. it's why he can call lan xichen it with such familiarity now; he's grown so used to saying it, he hardly thinks about how weird it'd sound in contrast for zewu-jun.

nobody's perfect at anything their first time, let's be fair. both jades fumbled and struggled, but still raised lan sizhui into an extraordinary boy nevertheless.

...it's just in this case, sizhui's technically already grown up; a teenager that can handle himself instead of a small child that's yet to face so many world-weary hardships. (some that he'll probably face twice since, thanks to the unfortunate fever, he'd forgotten things here and there.)]

Zewu-jun, please, [he huffs, thoroughly flustered by the compliment though less no less appreciative when he murmurs,] but thank you. [his hand turns, tilting the pencil slightly sideways, using it at an angle to add a bit of shading on one rabbit's ear. after perking toward the mention of jingyi,] No harm in asking him, at least? And yes, that is correct, as I spent quite a lot of time drawing the ones back home.

[it is still frustrating, a jab at xichen's own pride as he listens. his older speaks with certainty and logic that cannot be overlook, there is no example of someone knowing what they'd learned upon there return.

that's reasonable, he knows.

still, if there is a chance then it seems unreasonable to hide this. he nearly says just that, when the other keeps speaking.

xichen knows himself, knows who and what he believes in. knows that he is the sort to maintain balance, to mediate and to see all sides of a conflict. knows too, that when he believes in someone he will see reason in their actions and choose to see light where there is dark. 'if you choose to act' is not the harsh assessment it could be to some. there's no lying to an older version of himself, no hiding.

between them, he does not have the upper hand.

yet, if things have played out a similar way in both their lives --- ] There are few matters where da-ge's and my opinion greatly splinter, especially when it comes to those that anger him. The most focal being Meng Yao.

[in response to the huff, xichen lets out a soft chuckle before glancing u at the roof of the train car.

the scenery is nice but it is clear that it is not the real sunshine on their faces, that the train cannot given them everything. it's close enough, though, and for now it's giving him time with a nephew he will learn. he tilts his head back to sizhui, noticing that he's perked up a bit at the mention of the other junior.] No harm, I think. You two are very close, yes? Back home, I assume, and seemingly here as well?

[ There is no upper hand in what is to come for the younger self. What is already coming. Xichen knows that if he could change things, he'd give his best to do that, but... he doesn't think it's possible.

But if it is...

He is trying to give him enough to be able to make a difference without destroying his ability to trust in himself and hope. Without paralyzing him as he is himself, now, paralyzed.

Again, he doubts he has the ability to do that, but he has to try.

He inclines his head slowly. ]

Indeed. Jin Guangyao... decided to sacrifice a great many things in order to achieve his father's approval, and when he gave up on that, to achieve other goals. None of it that should have been his to sacrifice.

I am sorry.

[ Again, Jin Guangyao. Not Meng Yao, because Xichen still thinks that Meng Yao still might have chosen otherwise than Jin Guangyao did. And not A-Yao. ]

[flustered as he is, hearing his uncle laugh feels nice; really warms the cockles and such.

while lan xichen's focused upward, he's all eyes on drawing, finishing his shading then moving on to darken some other lines here and there. eventually, the bunny he has drawn feels satisfactory enough that his gaze lifts, tilting toward the man at his side again once their focal point comes back around to jingyi.] Both, I'd say. There are clear differences between us and I'm sure the same goes for our worlds. [but he hasn't asked for any specific details, nor does he think it'd be the best idea when there's a chance some sensitive subject may come up at the wrong time.] Lan Jingyi is Lan Jingyi, no matter what. [just as it has been with the alternate universe zewu-jun, hanguang-jun, and wei-qianbei.]

[he glances back at the page, looking at what his nephew is drawing. the lines are dark, darker than they need to be in some points but the art itself is well put together.

he nods at the assessment, tilting his head slightly.] Is he so passionate when it comes to his friends in your --- in our world as well? When you know him?

[and xichen, though he does not know the man before him quite as he is known, can pick up on the difference in the name.

in what it means, in the betrayal that his older self alludes to.

his brows crease, drawing together.] After the war, what more is there to sacrifice? [the wens are no more? and meng yao -- xichen cannot think of him as jin guangyao, even if it is the name the man prefers now -- has only a future to build.]

[ Xichen squeezes his eyes. Everything and anything that is not us.

But he shakes his head. ]

I can tell you details, and others can confirm them if you wish them to, but I also know that you may disbelieve them all the same. [ Because Xichen here could have. ] And the details will hurt more than you can imagine. But all they boil down to is this - da ge was right about him.

It is not that Jin Guangyao does not care, at least that much I do not believe we were wrong about. But he is more... willing to act according to his ... objectives than that care. Every time.

[there are certainly other things he'd like to add to the artwork; foliage dotting the landscape, more animals, a small pond with perhaps lotuses or something, but his attention is wholly on filling xichen in about this dragonified version of the lan disciple they both know.

he does note the correction though mentions nothing of it, preferring to go with the idea they're from the same universe yet at different times.] Oh, yes, there's no difference there at all. Fighting for friendship with both fists up, that's how it always seems. [and one has to admire his tenacity when it comes to such things.]

Wei Wuxian played this version of 'Cleansing' for me and told me to listen to da-ge as well... [not quite, but close enough. xichen had been hesitant then but between wei wuxian and himself, even without the details it is hard to deny that betrayal will come at the hands of meng yao.

jin guangyao.

xichen can't make that shift in his mind, even if he sees a version of himself before him that falls victim to the sacrifices one of his closest friends is willing to make.]

[that earns a smile, a slight nod from the elder. he is glad, then, that sizhui has a friend like this in all the possible worlds. that he is not as isolated and along as he and his brother had been, though they'd had each other. though, eventually, xichen had mingjue and meng yao.

growing up alone is difficult.

he thinks of his own brother, injured back home.] Then I'm glad the two of you have each other and grow up together. [a pause.] Friendships like this are important.

[being alone was exactly one of the things he'd worried about when first arriving in cloud recesses; nobody shunned him in any straightforward manner, but he was an outsider, it'd been something mutually acknowledged and agreed upon by everyone. (despite this, children can oftentimes be quite cruel—) lan jingyi, however, didn't care about that and, against everything, had marched up to sizhui one day to immediately claim they were friends now.

it's something he'll always remember, no matter how many worlds away they are, and it seems like an exact action this lan jingyi would've done too— or something similar to it, perhaps?] Me too, [he agrees softly, easygoing.]

They are and I hope, whether we come from the same exact world or not, you have as equally important friendships too.

Back home, I certainly do, and there is no need to worry for me here.

[gentle, the smile turns to something assuring that normally works on his brother at least. he is not sure if it'll work on his nephew, if he will leave it be at that.] It seems Jingyi is such a good friend he is willing to fight for your honor, nephew.

Mmn. [he nods with affirmation, grinning outright at the following comment.] Of course not, Zewu-jun. I'm sure you're quite capable of making friends. [lan xichen is kind, friendly, intelligent and more than able to befriend people himself for these reasons, plus a whole handful of others—

but maybe now isn't the time to launch into that and get distracted when his honor has been brought up.

sizhui clears his throat, gazes back down at the drawing and momentarily shuts his eyes, sighing before reopening them so he can start sketching again.] Yes, he is, which I appreciate. [and it sounds like there's a ‘but’ coming on, though he hesitates, scribbling with more intent now.]

[Closed] discussions need to be had!

lan xichen (lanxichen) | who better to seek answers from than oneself?

lan sizhui (deferences) | sometimes there is no need for words

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