"It is the pen I always use," he said as he summoned from his staff the pen Link had carved him.
He started making notes with the pen in the notebook.
First impression. So much like Ferio.
Once thought I wanted Ferio to wind up his father so Ferio would see what it was like raising Ferio. He gave a small nostalgic smile as he write that.
Wound up equal parts terrified and hopeful he and Ferio would meet. They'd either be good for each other or destructive.
Masquerade ball. The cookies. Learning to make them for Link.
The booth. He sat back a bit and looked at what he wrote before circling it several times and adding notes to that section. the day I realized I felt so protective, that I wanted to teach and help. Wanted to see him grow up into who he would be. Not fits and starts like Ferio. But throughout. Argot. Wanting to help him. Worry. So much worry. Idiom.
Realizing I was worrying more and more.
How often I thought about him in his absence, which seemed odd at the time.
He lifted his pen from the page, reviewed what he had written, and realized that he had gone well past answering the question. He could be here for decades if he were to write everything.
So he lifted his pen from the page and reviewed his notes. Considered the question again, then took a deep breath.
"First of all, to get it out of the way, The Doctor and his choices had absolutely nothing to do with mine. I did not get inspired to adopt someone because he was adopting people, nor did I feel any grandiose obligation to help those he neglected. In hindsight I am uncertain if I was even aware he was adopting anyone at the time. It certainly is not part of my thoughts when it comes to you," he said firmly. "Either of you."
He took another breath, eyes roaming his notes as he gathered his thoughts once more.
"Link, when we first met... perhaps not my very first thought, but one of my earliest thoughts was that you reminded me so very much of Ferio. I was not Ferio's father, for the record. I never once considered myself anything more than his teacher at first, and then later a friend. Much later compared to the length of time between when I first met you and when I realized how I felt about you."
A breath. He was shakey. Afraid. This answer could make or break everything. He didn't know what answer Link wanted. What he knew was the truth. It was all he had. So he offered it.
"I went from seeing you much as I did Nash or Jane at the time. Someone I considered a friend. My... definition of friend has changed over recent years I will admit. At the time it was my original definition. You were like Presia or Ferio. Everyone I liked at all, save for my Princess was. It was my job to teach and guide when we were together, to learn from you when we were together. And that was it. I could go centuries without seeing Presea and hardly notice it. Ferio I noticed slightly more only because I was his teacher and his sister's for so long, and then even when he stopped coming to lessons, the princess often brought him up. But once I was with someone else, or more often, alone with my books, I rarely thought much of any of them, other than to note a book they should read or something I should inform them of."
"The holiday ball, the masquerade we were forced to attend. I started asking Jane and others about the cookies there, because I wanted to create them for you. I did not see it, at the time, as different from making a note for Presea. But when I did finally try to make them, I realized that there was something... different... in how I felt getting them ready for you than even in any lesson I had prepared. I did not know why or how."
"Over time I went from thinking you were just like Ferio, to - for a short period - day dreaming about you and Ferio waking up one day as father and son. I wanted to see that. I... do not know if you realize how odd that was for me, I am not one generally prone to daydreams and flights of fancy. And yet there I was thinking about how it would serve Ferio right after all the heart attacks he put everyone through to have a son so much like him. I actually found myself thinking about that and smiling from time to time when I meant to be studying."
He took a breath and looked at his notes again, trying to gather himself. "That... That didn't last long, honestly. I soon realized that wasn't actually what I wanted, amusing as it might have been."
"I realized that the way you made me worry was not at all the way Ferio made me worry." How to say this when he hardly understood it himself? "It wasn't just the intensity, though that was an aspect. It was more..."
How should he even say it?
He stopped and started making notes again. How would I react to Ferio getting a new scar? How would I react to Nope. Not even on paper. He turned the page and started again.
Would Ferio playing with bombs upset me? Yes. Same way? No. Why?
Frustration filled him. He was unused to lacking the words to explain something, but here he was, unable to put into words why Link playing with bombs panicked him when Ferio playing with bombs would likely only irritate him.
"I don't have the proper vocabulary for this, apparently," he admitted. "I will look into books to rectify this failing in myself as soon as I reasonably can, and I appologize for the fact that I do not seem to know the proper words to explain this. which is eminently frustrating. The best I can do is to say that I realized it was different. You playing with bombs as if they were toys scares me as well as upsets me in other ways, where as the thought of Ferio doing the same more... frustrates me. Please never show Ferio bombchu bowling. I do not think I could handle the two of you egging each other on that way..."
He rubbed at his face and looked at his notes. Right.
"The day you had that booth... I think that's when I first really realized that I didn't just want to teach you, the way I wanted to teach Ferio. When Ferio passed a certain point then stopped coming to lessons regularly I was frustrated and annoyed. But I could focus on teaching his sister and push that aside. And once I was back in my tower those emotions wouldn't bother me again until I was planning the next lesson for them. But with you... I felt a deeper need not just to teach you but also... a desire to see you learn. And yes, those are separate things. I loved the look on your face when you made connections. When things made sense to you. And watching you working to figure out something that didn't, when I knew you would come to the answer. I wanted to see you learn and grow. Not just at lessons, but between as well. I wanted also to... to protect you. Not because I thought you couldn't protect yourself, but... well in part because I realized you wouldn't. But also just... because you had become important to me in a way nothing else had. I didn't have words for it then, I lack them still now."
"But more and more... I wasn't able to push thoughts of you aside when I went to study. Less and less did I want to. More often the things I studied were a direct result of thoughts about you or conversations with you. Or ways to protect you."
He pursed his lips. "I always believed in the Magic Knights legend. I was part of forcing those girls to save our princess and our world, part of pushing them onto what I thought was their destiny. But hearing you talk about your fate and being a hero, and having no choice... you made me rethink everything, Link. Made me realize that I have done to those girls something I can never make up for. Being a hero should be a choice each person makes for themselves. Not a choice made for them."
He held up a hand. "I know it is a choice you would make over and over again, that is not in question. It is who you are... but having seen so many different worlds' versions of healthy childhoods...."
He wiped at his face. "I am making a has out of this..." he muttered.
"The summary is I wanted to adopt you when I realized that I wanted to be there to watch you learn and grow. To help you when you needed help. That I wanted you to be part of my life. Not just for a lesson here and a lesson there. But an actual part of it. When I realize that if I lost you to something I could have helped to prevent..." He shook his head. "Again, I know you are capable and strong but... I wanted to have your back, and to know that you had mine."
He shook his head and looked at Leia. "I really am not good at this. I don't know how to properly explain it. Are you certain there are no books on the subject that I could study so I could articulate this more efficiently?"
no subject
He started making notes with the pen in the notebook.
First impression. So much like Ferio.
Once thought I wanted Ferio to wind up his father so Ferio would see what it was like raising Ferio. He gave a small nostalgic smile as he write that.
Wound up equal parts terrified and hopeful he and Ferio would meet. They'd either be good for each other or destructive.
Masquerade ball. The cookies. Learning to make them for Link.
The booth. He sat back a bit and looked at what he wrote before circling it several times and adding notes to that section. the day I realized I felt so protective, that I wanted to teach and help. Wanted to see him grow up into who he would be. Not fits and starts like Ferio. But throughout. Argot. Wanting to help him. Worry. So much worry. Idiom.
Realizing I was worrying more and more.
How often I thought about him in his absence, which seemed odd at the time.
He lifted his pen from the page, reviewed what he had written, and realized that he had gone well past answering the question. He could be here for decades if he were to write everything.
So he lifted his pen from the page and reviewed his notes. Considered the question again, then took a deep breath.
"First of all, to get it out of the way, The Doctor and his choices had absolutely nothing to do with mine. I did not get inspired to adopt someone because he was adopting people, nor did I feel any grandiose obligation to help those he neglected. In hindsight I am uncertain if I was even aware he was adopting anyone at the time. It certainly is not part of my thoughts when it comes to you," he said firmly. "Either of you."
He took another breath, eyes roaming his notes as he gathered his thoughts once more.
"Link, when we first met... perhaps not my very first thought, but one of my earliest thoughts was that you reminded me so very much of Ferio. I was not Ferio's father, for the record. I never once considered myself anything more than his teacher at first, and then later a friend. Much later compared to the length of time between when I first met you and when I realized how I felt about you."
A breath. He was shakey. Afraid. This answer could make or break everything. He didn't know what answer Link wanted. What he knew was the truth. It was all he had. So he offered it.
"I went from seeing you much as I did Nash or Jane at the time. Someone I considered a friend. My... definition of friend has changed over recent years I will admit. At the time it was my original definition. You were like Presia or Ferio. Everyone I liked at all, save for my Princess was. It was my job to teach and guide when we were together, to learn from you when we were together. And that was it. I could go centuries without seeing Presea and hardly notice it. Ferio I noticed slightly more only because I was his teacher and his sister's for so long, and then even when he stopped coming to lessons, the princess often brought him up. But once I was with someone else, or more often, alone with my books, I rarely thought much of any of them, other than to note a book they should read or something I should inform them of."
"The holiday ball, the masquerade we were forced to attend. I started asking Jane and others about the cookies there, because I wanted to create them for you. I did not see it, at the time, as different from making a note for Presea. But when I did finally try to make them, I realized that there was something... different... in how I felt getting them ready for you than even in any lesson I had prepared. I did not know why or how."
"Over time I went from thinking you were just like Ferio, to - for a short period - day dreaming about you and Ferio waking up one day as father and son. I wanted to see that. I... do not know if you realize how odd that was for me, I am not one generally prone to daydreams and flights of fancy. And yet there I was thinking about how it would serve Ferio right after all the heart attacks he put everyone through to have a son so much like him. I actually found myself thinking about that and smiling from time to time when I meant to be studying."
He took a breath and looked at his notes again, trying to gather himself. "That... That didn't last long, honestly. I soon realized that wasn't actually what I wanted, amusing as it might have been."
"I realized that the way you made me worry was not at all the way Ferio made me worry." How to say this when he hardly understood it himself? "It wasn't just the intensity, though that was an aspect. It was more..."
How should he even say it?
He stopped and started making notes again. How would I react to Ferio getting a new scar? How would I react to Nope. Not even on paper. He turned the page and started again.
Would Ferio playing with bombs upset me? Yes. Same way? No. Why?
Frustration filled him. He was unused to lacking the words to explain something, but here he was, unable to put into words why Link playing with bombs panicked him when Ferio playing with bombs would likely only irritate him.
"I don't have the proper vocabulary for this, apparently," he admitted. "I will look into books to rectify this failing in myself as soon as I reasonably can, and I appologize for the fact that I do not seem to know the proper words to explain this. which is eminently frustrating. The best I can do is to say that I realized it was different. You playing with bombs as if they were toys scares me as well as upsets me in other ways, where as the thought of Ferio doing the same more... frustrates me. Please never show Ferio bombchu bowling. I do not think I could handle the two of you egging each other on that way..."
He rubbed at his face and looked at his notes. Right.
"The day you had that booth... I think that's when I first really realized that I didn't just want to teach you, the way I wanted to teach Ferio. When Ferio passed a certain point then stopped coming to lessons regularly I was frustrated and annoyed. But I could focus on teaching his sister and push that aside. And once I was back in my tower those emotions wouldn't bother me again until I was planning the next lesson for them. But with you... I felt a deeper need not just to teach you but also... a desire to see you learn. And yes, those are separate things. I loved the look on your face when you made connections. When things made sense to you. And watching you working to figure out something that didn't, when I knew you would come to the answer. I wanted to see you learn and grow. Not just at lessons, but between as well. I wanted also to... to protect you. Not because I thought you couldn't protect yourself, but... well in part because I realized you wouldn't. But also just... because you had become important to me in a way nothing else had. I didn't have words for it then, I lack them still now."
"But more and more... I wasn't able to push thoughts of you aside when I went to study. Less and less did I want to. More often the things I studied were a direct result of thoughts about you or conversations with you. Or ways to protect you."
He pursed his lips. "I always believed in the Magic Knights legend. I was part of forcing those girls to save our princess and our world, part of pushing them onto what I thought was their destiny. But hearing you talk about your fate and being a hero, and having no choice... you made me rethink everything, Link. Made me realize that I have done to those girls something I can never make up for. Being a hero should be a choice each person makes for themselves. Not a choice made for them."
He held up a hand. "I know it is a choice you would make over and over again, that is not in question. It is who you are... but having seen so many different worlds' versions of healthy childhoods...."
He wiped at his face. "I am making a has out of this..." he muttered.
"The summary is I wanted to adopt you when I realized that I wanted to be there to watch you learn and grow. To help you when you needed help. That I wanted you to be part of my life. Not just for a lesson here and a lesson there. But an actual part of it. When I realize that if I lost you to something I could have helped to prevent..." He shook his head. "Again, I know you are capable and strong but... I wanted to have your back, and to know that you had mine."
He shook his head and looked at Leia. "I really am not good at this. I don't know how to properly explain it. Are you certain there are no books on the subject that I could study so I could articulate this more efficiently?"