He took a deep breath, making notes as he listened, as he thought. He paused to try and gather his notes into some semblance of order.
Which would be easier if he could use magic to rearrange the sentences so like thoughts were together. He still didn't understand why magic was banned in this situation, really. It was nearly on a level with banning breathing. To his mind, both were needed for a proper intellectual exchange of ideas. Magic was such a useful tool for...
He saw the word he had been writing. teaching and it stopped him. He took a deep breath. He'd been focusing more on Link so far in this meeting, but he needed to also address this underlying issue with Shadow.
He found himself tracing the word over and over again as he gathered his thoughts. So many faces from his past flitted through his mind. And some of them... some of them hurt to think of. He took another deep breath and looked up, looking right into Shadow's eyes if the boy would meet his gaze.
"Listening and agreeing are not the same thing." And though his next words were aimed more at Leia, he didn't look away from Shadow. "And it isn't rose tinted glasses or an idealized version of anything."
He took another breath, and held himself very still, letting all the intensity of what he was saying show in his eyes. Because if he let any other part of his body give it physicality he might lose control of himself enough to break something. and that break might not be physical, might not be something he could mend. Or it could be the table if he let his magic slip. He was trying, but he already wasn't good with emotion and this...
For a moment Alcion's face overlayed Shadow's. But it was just a moment that his eyes went distant before they focused again. He fought to keep his voice even. "There are people that I have trusted with everything, that I have loved, that I have trained. Not the way I love the two of you, I see that now, and have for a while. But at the time?" He fought to shove the pain back. He broke off that sentence and started again, verbally regrouping. "When Lantis left. When Zagato kidnapped the princess, when people joined him and helped him destroy our world and betray our people... I realized then that I clearly had never known them as well as I thought I did." A hard swallow. Another deep breath. These wounds went deep. Some of these people he had trusted for centuries. He fought the tremor that ran through him, moved his hands under the table after setting down the pen.
"I loved and trusted them. They betrayed the princess, they betrayed their world, they betrayed us all. I cannot let myself be swayed by our shared past. Not when they are actively trying to kill people I protect and are helping Zagato hurt the princess and destroy our world."
Another deep breath.
"But that doesn't go a single way. I cannot judge them for having turned against everything they were and react to that without judging you in the moment you've told me where you turned away from everything you were. You see the bad things you did in your past. I see the choices you have made to make that the past. I see the choices you make now. I see the people you spend your time with, I see who you are now. I am not ignoring what you did once, but I am seeing that that is no longer who you are. Just as they are no longer who they were. There are certain thresholds that once crossed are not crossed back. There are points of no return in our lives, for good or for ill. You chose. That is what I see," he said firmly.
Another deep breath. This was also hard to say, but in a different way; for different reasons.
"When we were in Naut, and Link and I were... the way we were at the gate," and he still hated himself for how he had been then. Didn't hate Link for his part, just himself. Well, himself, Endos, and Papillon. "No one would have blamed you if you had attacked us to stop us, least of all us once we were ourselves again. Given the impermanence of death there, no one would have blamed you if you had killed us to stop us." His shoulders squared. "No one but you," he said firmly and clearly. "You stopped us in a way that hurt no one. That kept not only everyone you cared about safe, but everyone else there that could have been collateral damage. That is the choice you made."
This still hurt to say, but was also easier to say. The conviction was clear in his voice. "When you came after me in the library, I could see how deeply you cared. How hard you were trying. I saw you. I still see you. I may see you differently than you see yourself, but that does not mean for one second that I do not see you. I took your words to heart. Not only with how I treated Link, but others I loved. Including you. I waited, I will continue to wait, in hope that one day you will see me as family. But I stopped bringing it up except in cases like this where it came up because we are trying to be honest with each other on a deeper and more visceral level than typical interactions require. I do not want it because I see some fictional version of you, Shadow, but because I see you, and I have for a long time now, by your scale."
There were other issues that needed to be addressed that had come up. Some that hadn't, probably more than he realized. But this... this was important too. And it needed the weight of focus.
Because he loved both of his boys, and the both meant more to him than anyone he'd ever known before arriving in Naut.
no subject
Which would be easier if he could use magic to rearrange the sentences so like thoughts were together. He still didn't understand why magic was banned in this situation, really. It was nearly on a level with banning breathing. To his mind, both were needed for a proper intellectual exchange of ideas. Magic was such a useful tool for...
He saw the word he had been writing. teaching and it stopped him. He took a deep breath. He'd been focusing more on Link so far in this meeting, but he needed to also address this underlying issue with Shadow.
He found himself tracing the word over and over again as he gathered his thoughts. So many faces from his past flitted through his mind. And some of them... some of them hurt to think of. He took another deep breath and looked up, looking right into Shadow's eyes if the boy would meet his gaze.
"Listening and agreeing are not the same thing." And though his next words were aimed more at Leia, he didn't look away from Shadow. "And it isn't rose tinted glasses or an idealized version of anything."
He took another breath, and held himself very still, letting all the intensity of what he was saying show in his eyes. Because if he let any other part of his body give it physicality he might lose control of himself enough to break something. and that break might not be physical, might not be something he could mend. Or it could be the table if he let his magic slip. He was trying, but he already wasn't good with emotion and this...
For a moment Alcion's face overlayed Shadow's. But it was just a moment that his eyes went distant before they focused again. He fought to keep his voice even. "There are people that I have trusted with everything, that I have loved, that I have trained. Not the way I love the two of you, I see that now, and have for a while. But at the time?" He fought to shove the pain back. He broke off that sentence and started again, verbally regrouping. "When Lantis left. When Zagato kidnapped the princess, when people joined him and helped him destroy our world and betray our people... I realized then that I clearly had never known them as well as I thought I did." A hard swallow. Another deep breath. These wounds went deep. Some of these people he had trusted for centuries. He fought the tremor that ran through him, moved his hands under the table after setting down the pen.
"I loved and trusted them. They betrayed the princess, they betrayed their world, they betrayed us all. I cannot let myself be swayed by our shared past. Not when they are actively trying to kill people I protect and are helping Zagato hurt the princess and destroy our world."
Another deep breath.
"But that doesn't go a single way. I cannot judge them for having turned against everything they were and react to that without judging you in the moment you've told me where you turned away from everything you were. You see the bad things you did in your past. I see the choices you have made to make that the past. I see the choices you make now. I see the people you spend your time with, I see who you are now. I am not ignoring what you did once, but I am seeing that that is no longer who you are. Just as they are no longer who they were. There are certain thresholds that once crossed are not crossed back. There are points of no return in our lives, for good or for ill. You chose. That is what I see," he said firmly.
Another deep breath. This was also hard to say, but in a different way; for different reasons.
"When we were in Naut, and Link and I were... the way we were at the gate," and he still hated himself for how he had been then. Didn't hate Link for his part, just himself. Well, himself, Endos, and Papillon. "No one would have blamed you if you had attacked us to stop us, least of all us once we were ourselves again. Given the impermanence of death there, no one would have blamed you if you had killed us to stop us." His shoulders squared. "No one but you," he said firmly and clearly. "You stopped us in a way that hurt no one. That kept not only everyone you cared about safe, but everyone else there that could have been collateral damage. That is the choice you made."
This still hurt to say, but was also easier to say. The conviction was clear in his voice. "When you came after me in the library, I could see how deeply you cared. How hard you were trying. I saw you. I still see you. I may see you differently than you see yourself, but that does not mean for one second that I do not see you. I took your words to heart. Not only with how I treated Link, but others I loved. Including you. I waited, I will continue to wait, in hope that one day you will see me as family. But I stopped bringing it up except in cases like this where it came up because we are trying to be honest with each other on a deeper and more visceral level than typical interactions require. I do not want it because I see some fictional version of you, Shadow, but because I see you, and I have for a long time now, by your scale."
There were other issues that needed to be addressed that had come up. Some that hadn't, probably more than he realized. But this... this was important too. And it needed the weight of focus.
Because he loved both of his boys, and the both meant more to him than anyone he'd ever known before arriving in Naut.