Clef fought his own frustration, struggling to keep control of his temper which tended to flare as often from frustration as from anger. It had never once been the right answer, and yet he couldn't ever get it to go away completely. Moments like this it kept trying to take over again.
The urge to rant and scream, to call people names, to jump up and down... he didn't know why it was there, why it would vanish for decades just to reappear stronger than ever. He was seven hundred and forty something, for Ceiphro's sake, why did he still have that impulse to act like a child? And why did it seem to happen most often in moments when being an adult and communicating clearly was so very important?
He forced the twitch in his limbs and the accent that always came out when he lost his temper down. It took effort. His frustration was so strong it was like a living thing trying to burst out of him.
He managed not to scream, or to lose control of his pronunciation, but some of the frustration leaked out in his tone, he couldn't help it.
"Of course his motivations and desires are good enough, but how are you all missing the heart of what he's saying?" he asked, frustrated. He felt trapped by the small space between chair and table, by the small carriage, to be honest the train felt small and confining. He wanted to pace, where pacing meant a path that spanned miles of sky. Or possibly acres of grasslands.
"Look at what he said himself he wanted!" he said, aiming his words at Leia, because that...
That would hurt less. Not himself. But Shadow. He hoped. He didn't think him snapping at Leia would change her opinion of him or hurt her. But he'd already seen the effects of his fraying control on his boys. This was the best he could do, talk to Leia, but with words meant for them all to hear. Fight to keep his accent from slipping to keep himself from seeming more like Presea on a tare than the educated mage he is meant to be.
"Look at the people he chose to let himself love! To want approval from! Link. Zelda. They are two of the best people I know in so very many ways! I'm not saying what he wants is what he wants because he shares my morals, but because what he wants is fundamentally good! Perhaps not in a direct point A to point B way but even roundabout, he is choosing good! He is choosing to emulate Link and Zelda for their approval perhaps, but why would he want their approval if they didn't have his approval?!"
He was shaking with the effort it took to stay in his seat.
"Saying that he would choose them over the world is" a self deluding statement but he managed to stop himself from giving those words voice, and said instead "a statement with a lot of emotional meaning perhaps," he managed. "But in practice? In practice he knows Link and Zelda well enough by now to know that they would always choose the world over themselves. They have done so. Countless times. I've known them less long than he is, and even I can see that. I suspect everyone on the train can tell that by now already. And Shadow was smart enough to see we were controlled at the Gate! He knows this is a thing, and specifically has empirical evidence that Link and I, at the least, are able to be controlled in that way. If Link or Zelda ever said they wanted to see the world burn - any world - I think Shadow's first reasoning would be that something was wrong with them. Because he knows them better than that!"
He would have run a hand over his face, but he was now holding the table so hard he would have left hand prints if his body at all reflected his power or age in a way other than Ceiphro's.
Finally he turned to Shadow, unable to keep himself from doing this, frustration bringing him to near tears that his wonderful boy couldn't see for himself how wonderful he was. "You said it yourself. You could have chosen to join Endos. That it was tempting. Not because you wanted to destroy things, but because it might have brought you short term closer to Link and Zelda." And himself, maybe? Maybe. He couldn't focus on that now o his point would get muddied. More lost than it already was.
"You didn't want us to get hurt. So you did what could have gotten you hurt."
No, wrong path. Try again. Deep breath, Clef.
He took a deep breath then said, trying so hard to be calm, but losing it, "Why is it all or nothing with you and Link when it comes to selfishness?!" And... he lost control of his accent and his temper flared, making his motions jerky and twitchy as he fought against them. "Ya can have selfish thoughts and wants and be tempted by them without bein selfish! Ceiphro, wanting things you want IS NOT SELFISH OR EVIL! Ya can want and even take steps to what ya want without it bein a mark against ya if ya don't hurt anyone doing it! Or if you accidently do an ya try an make amends..."
Blast it all. He struggled to try and control himself, a tear escaping. "Just like Link needs to learn to say no more often, to..." fighting so hard for control "to accept that he has a right to actually put himself first sometimes, you have ta..." dang it "to... you have to accept that wanting things, even wanting things you think is wrong doesn't make you evil, Shadow. I want you all to come and move to Ceiphro with me, for us to all stay there forever. I want it desperately. I honestly think you all would love it there, and while I know that if it was a visit, you could all be happy there for a time, I also know that Zelda and Link at the least would never abandon Hyrule, and that while I don't know if you would or not, I know you'd never abandon them! You;d all be so fixated on doing what is right for Hyrule that if some power or entity ever tried to force you all to stay on Ceiphro, the three of you would fight against it with all you had. AND I'D BE THERE HELPING YOU. Because while what I want more than anything is for us to all be a family living happily there, I know that is a selfish want as long as it isn't what you guys want. So I'm not going to force it. I might bring it up from time to time, but I would never truly honestly push it, I would never try to twist your arms metaphorically or otherwise, because I know it is a selfish wish. But I still allow myself that dream, that day dream. I want it, but more... I want you three to be happy and healthy. I want you three as safe as is reasonably possible. Even if that means I'm stuck in Hyrule for the rest of your lives. And you better beleive I'm going to do everything in my reasonable power to find a way to make those lives as long as possible!"
He winced at how loud he'd gotten at the end there, chest heaving, heart pounding since the words at the end had come out in such a rush that he had been forced to chose between breathing properly and keeping his accent in check. Breathing had lost out. He could breathe after. But words once said couldn't be unsaid.
Of course now terror was washing through him and he was worried that he'd said the wrong things anyway.
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The urge to rant and scream, to call people names, to jump up and down... he didn't know why it was there, why it would vanish for decades just to reappear stronger than ever. He was seven hundred and forty something, for Ceiphro's sake, why did he still have that impulse to act like a child? And why did it seem to happen most often in moments when being an adult and communicating clearly was so very important?
He forced the twitch in his limbs and the accent that always came out when he lost his temper down. It took effort. His frustration was so strong it was like a living thing trying to burst out of him.
He managed not to scream, or to lose control of his pronunciation, but some of the frustration leaked out in his tone, he couldn't help it.
"Of course his motivations and desires are good enough, but how are you all missing the heart of what he's saying?" he asked, frustrated. He felt trapped by the small space between chair and table, by the small carriage, to be honest the train felt small and confining. He wanted to pace, where pacing meant a path that spanned miles of sky. Or possibly acres of grasslands.
"Look at what he said himself he wanted!" he said, aiming his words at Leia, because that...
That would hurt less. Not himself. But Shadow. He hoped. He didn't think him snapping at Leia would change her opinion of him or hurt her. But he'd already seen the effects of his fraying control on his boys. This was the best he could do, talk to Leia, but with words meant for them all to hear. Fight to keep his accent from slipping to keep himself from seeming more like Presea on a tare than the educated mage he is meant to be.
"Look at the people he chose to let himself love! To want approval from! Link. Zelda. They are two of the best people I know in so very many ways! I'm not saying what he wants is what he wants because he shares my morals, but because what he wants is fundamentally good! Perhaps not in a direct point A to point B way but even roundabout, he is choosing good! He is choosing to emulate Link and Zelda for their approval perhaps, but why would he want their approval if they didn't have his approval?!"
He was shaking with the effort it took to stay in his seat.
"Saying that he would choose them over the world is" a self deluding statement but he managed to stop himself from giving those words voice, and said instead "a statement with a lot of emotional meaning perhaps," he managed. "But in practice? In practice he knows Link and Zelda well enough by now to know that they would always choose the world over themselves. They have done so. Countless times. I've known them less long than he is, and even I can see that. I suspect everyone on the train can tell that by now already. And Shadow was smart enough to see we were controlled at the Gate! He knows this is a thing, and specifically has empirical evidence that Link and I, at the least, are able to be controlled in that way. If Link or Zelda ever said they wanted to see the world burn - any world - I think Shadow's first reasoning would be that something was wrong with them. Because he knows them better than that!"
He would have run a hand over his face, but he was now holding the table so hard he would have left hand prints if his body at all reflected his power or age in a way other than Ceiphro's.
Finally he turned to Shadow, unable to keep himself from doing this, frustration bringing him to near tears that his wonderful boy couldn't see for himself how wonderful he was. "You said it yourself. You could have chosen to join Endos. That it was tempting. Not because you wanted to destroy things, but because it might have brought you short term closer to Link and Zelda." And himself, maybe? Maybe. He couldn't focus on that now o his point would get muddied. More lost than it already was.
"You didn't want us to get hurt. So you did what could have gotten you hurt."
No, wrong path. Try again. Deep breath, Clef.
He took a deep breath then said, trying so hard to be calm, but losing it, "Why is it all or nothing with you and Link when it comes to selfishness?!" And... he lost control of his accent and his temper flared, making his motions jerky and twitchy as he fought against them. "Ya can have selfish thoughts and wants and be tempted by them without bein selfish! Ceiphro, wanting things you want IS NOT SELFISH OR EVIL! Ya can want and even take steps to what ya want without it bein a mark against ya if ya don't hurt anyone doing it! Or if you accidently do an ya try an make amends..."
Blast it all. He struggled to try and control himself, a tear escaping. "Just like Link needs to learn to say no more often, to..." fighting so hard for control "to accept that he has a right to actually put himself first sometimes, you have ta..." dang it "to... you have to accept that wanting things, even wanting things you think is wrong doesn't make you evil, Shadow. I want you all to come and move to Ceiphro with me, for us to all stay there forever. I want it desperately. I honestly think you all would love it there, and while I know that if it was a visit, you could all be happy there for a time, I also know that Zelda and Link at the least would never abandon Hyrule, and that while I don't know if you would or not, I know you'd never abandon them! You;d all be so fixated on doing what is right for Hyrule that if some power or entity ever tried to force you all to stay on Ceiphro, the three of you would fight against it with all you had. AND I'D BE THERE HELPING YOU. Because while what I want more than anything is for us to all be a family living happily there, I know that is a selfish want as long as it isn't what you guys want. So I'm not going to force it. I might bring it up from time to time, but I would never truly honestly push it, I would never try to twist your arms metaphorically or otherwise, because I know it is a selfish wish. But I still allow myself that dream, that day dream. I want it, but more... I want you three to be happy and healthy. I want you three as safe as is reasonably possible. Even if that means I'm stuck in Hyrule for the rest of your lives. And you better beleive I'm going to do everything in my reasonable power to find a way to make those lives as long as possible!"
He winced at how loud he'd gotten at the end there, chest heaving, heart pounding since the words at the end had come out in such a rush that he had been forced to chose between breathing properly and keeping his accent in check. Breathing had lost out. He could breathe after. But words once said couldn't be unsaid.
Of course now terror was washing through him and he was worried that he'd said the wrong things anyway.