Leia is a surprise. Shadow respected her ability, of course, that's why he asked for her help. But to hear her talk of him, it felt...she did actually get it. At least as much as to be expected from what information she knew. It was a surprise, but...not an unpleasant one. It's almost enough to help him simmer down, but...
Shadow was listening, he was, and honestly this is why he had been pushing the Link and Clef issues first and foremost. Because that? That was fixable, he was sure of it. It was just working out an understanding, sorting through feelings for two people who were bad at their own feelings.
But him and Clef? He wasn't sure. He couldn't be sure because the more he listened, the more those resentful, bitter feelings squirmed. He didn't care about the raised voice or the frustration, he can take dramatic emotions thrown his way...
In the end, it was about the context of the words. And the one, single, important fact Clef just Would Not Accept.
"I. Am. A. Shadow." He snarled, eyes going white, face dark, and a hand grabbed his notepad just to shred through a large chunk of the papers. "Ya keep looking at me like I'm a human, a Hylian, a species that is normally a person. I am an anomaly. Half the reason I like nerd stuff and books is 'cause its my intelligence that lets me try to be more then base instincts. To be more then the thing that just wants to keep Link forever or attack or destroy anything that upsets me!"
His chest is heaving, but there is no actual air moving in and out of his mouth as some sense of color returns, but its muted, washed out. "Ya know why I 'let myself love them?' Because I am incapable of being indifferent. I can love 'em, I can hate 'em, but I'm always going to feel a desire for connection for good or ill. I can't ignore they exist because is it a fundamental part of me I can't ignore Link and its apparently a thing where he can't ignore Zelda, and that transfers because I was not meant to be a person. And this isn't me quesitoning my personhood, I know I'm a person, I just also know I'm a freak of nature for it!"
"No, the real miracle is I gave a single flip about YA! That is the challenging thing for me to feel because that is alien and foreign and that's why yer continued denial of who and what I am hurts because I let ya in and ya threw it in my face!" Shadow hissed, claws digging even more into the paper. "And that's why Link had to drag me away on Diagad because I would have hurt ya because here's the thing about my selfishness, we know for a fact I can kill countless innocents if it was getting in the way of what I wanted because I did it. I could kill my owner because I tried. This isn't me thinking wanting to be happy, or putting myself first, or whatever is bad, its knowing if I don't keep properly motivated, I could easily destroy lives for my own selfishness without a second thought. I love Link and Zelda and my owner and my princess enough to try and be better, but that doesn't change the fact I am that person. That I will always be capable of it."
He's shaking, leaning harder into Link. "And its not that they're heroes I love them. Their heroics is way low on the list of things for me to admire. I admire their courage, their determination, their will, and that goes into heroics, but its not the heroics I care about. I like Zelda's calm, I like her intelligence, I like how she views shadows. I like Link's spirit and humor and how crafty he is. I like how they both try to actually understand me and accept that I'm doing my best despite my flaws. That they helped me maintain my efforts when I was faltering. And I understand their loneliness and I just....want that to not be the case, and that is why I keep trying to help ya and Link because he loves ya so much and ya love him and he deserves it, because I would gladly drag 'em to a peaceful place if they would go too. But ya keep trying to say we're family, but I don't need a father, but I wanted to have someone I care about see me who I know was totally separated from a shadow impulse, but that is separate of ya and Link and ya two can fix it, but we can't because ya just. Won't. Look at me!"
no subject
Shadow was listening, he was, and honestly this is why he had been pushing the Link and Clef issues first and foremost. Because that? That was fixable, he was sure of it. It was just working out an understanding, sorting through feelings for two people who were bad at their own feelings.
But him and Clef? He wasn't sure. He couldn't be sure because the more he listened, the more those resentful, bitter feelings squirmed. He didn't care about the raised voice or the frustration, he can take dramatic emotions thrown his way...
In the end, it was about the context of the words. And the one, single, important fact Clef just Would Not Accept.
"I. Am. A. Shadow." He snarled, eyes going white, face dark, and a hand grabbed his notepad just to shred through a large chunk of the papers. "Ya keep looking at me like I'm a human, a Hylian, a species that is normally a person. I am an anomaly. Half the reason I like nerd stuff and books is 'cause its my intelligence that lets me try to be more then base instincts. To be more then the thing that just wants to keep Link forever or attack or destroy anything that upsets me!"
His chest is heaving, but there is no actual air moving in and out of his mouth as some sense of color returns, but its muted, washed out. "Ya know why I 'let myself love them?' Because I am incapable of being indifferent. I can love 'em, I can hate 'em, but I'm always going to feel a desire for connection for good or ill. I can't ignore they exist because is it a fundamental part of me I can't ignore Link and its apparently a thing where he can't ignore Zelda, and that transfers because I was not meant to be a person. And this isn't me quesitoning my personhood, I know I'm a person, I just also know I'm a freak of nature for it!"
"No, the real miracle is I gave a single flip about YA! That is the challenging thing for me to feel because that is alien and foreign and that's why yer continued denial of who and what I am hurts because I let ya in and ya threw it in my face!" Shadow hissed, claws digging even more into the paper. "And that's why Link had to drag me away on Diagad because I would have hurt ya because here's the thing about my selfishness, we know for a fact I can kill countless innocents if it was getting in the way of what I wanted because I did it. I could kill my owner because I tried. This isn't me thinking wanting to be happy, or putting myself first, or whatever is bad, its knowing if I don't keep properly motivated, I could easily destroy lives for my own selfishness without a second thought. I love Link and Zelda and my owner and my princess enough to try and be better, but that doesn't change the fact I am that person. That I will always be capable of it."
He's shaking, leaning harder into Link. "And its not that they're heroes I love them. Their heroics is way low on the list of things for me to admire. I admire their courage, their determination, their will, and that goes into heroics, but its not the heroics I care about. I like Zelda's calm, I like her intelligence, I like how she views shadows. I like Link's spirit and humor and how crafty he is. I like how they both try to actually understand me and accept that I'm doing my best despite my flaws. That they helped me maintain my efforts when I was faltering. And I understand their loneliness and I just....want that to not be the case, and that is why I keep trying to help ya and Link because he loves ya so much and ya love him and he deserves it, because I would gladly drag 'em to a peaceful place if they would go too. But ya keep trying to say we're family, but I don't need a father, but I wanted to have someone I care about see me who I know was totally separated from a shadow impulse, but that is separate of ya and Link and ya two can fix it, but we can't because ya just. Won't. Look at me!"