Shadow leans into Link, a little more color returning and the next breath that comes has actual air. He glances at him and Leia and looks down. "Pretty sure I'm still right on the freak of nature bit, shadows are generally monsters at worst or tests at best, things went real weird," he said. "But I know I am what I am for 'cause of my own hard work. Whatever spark there was for something different, I'm the one who decided to keep being more. I ain't questioning that. That's why its important to me."
The thing is, Shadow could understand now having a good outlet for strong emotions. It had been a source of a lot of his mistakes. No means to know how to deal with all the loneliness and pain and hurt he had endured, had led to a lot of aggressive moves and manipulations that were probably less then ideal. He couldn't fault someone for seeking a way to release their emotions, and it was why he could usually look for the deeper meanings in arguments. Even as Clef shouted and hit things, the display of emotion did little to change how he was feeling as more the words.
"Link couldn't," Shadow said. "If he was made into a meat puppet, sure, but when he's making any sort of choice on his own, he couldn't do it." He paused and shrugged at Leia. "I don't know ya to say what ya'd do." And then he looked at Clef. "Ya...could. Ya can get pushed enough, broken enough for that. Too much 'greater purpose' without enough 'have to help do dumb chores' impulses. The type to be pulled into the 'righteous need sacrifices' ideas."
"I didn't need that. I didn't need to be broken. I didn't need to be made into a meat puppet. Lord Ganon never manipulated me. Vaati never scared me. I knew what I was doing. That makes a difference Clef. There's a huge difference between the person who steals a loaf of bread because they and their family is starving and the person who does it because they want to hurt the baker's livelihood. Because at one point, hurting people was my go to solution. Even now, its my first thought. I always have to think what would someone better then me do?" He glares at the tabletop as he speaks, voice low.
He holds up the torn notepad. "There is a big enough part of me that wants to do this to ya so maybe ya would finally get it, that the reason its not my go to isn't because of my 'character' as an extremely deliberate choice. I'm not asking ya to fixate on flaws, but ya think my motivations are that I admire good people because I'm good, and that person doesn't exist. I admire them for a lot of reasons, and none of them are that," He drops the pad and he looks at Clef. "I act like a good person because I realize that being good is how I can be happy."
"The first thing I used was myself, and that did nothing. All it showed was ya were so convinced on what our relationship should be, that when I reminded ya of what it was, it didn't even shake yer resolve. Ya have this picture of who I am, on what our relationship is, that ya've never truly looked at me or where we are."
He leaned closer, trying to catch Clef's eyes. "Why do ya think yer my father? I never agreed to that. Why do ya think I'm yer son? When did I ever act like it? When did I ever show even a sign I wanted that? For crying out loud, Clef, if anything, I've been acting more like a parent to ya, helping ya figure out how to handle a complicated relationship with Link. I never wanted a parent, I was hoping for a friend, but ya decided what we were without a care on my opinion. Why do I need to be yer son to matter?"
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The thing is, Shadow could understand now having a good outlet for strong emotions. It had been a source of a lot of his mistakes. No means to know how to deal with all the loneliness and pain and hurt he had endured, had led to a lot of aggressive moves and manipulations that were probably less then ideal. He couldn't fault someone for seeking a way to release their emotions, and it was why he could usually look for the deeper meanings in arguments. Even as Clef shouted and hit things, the display of emotion did little to change how he was feeling as more the words.
"Link couldn't," Shadow said. "If he was made into a meat puppet, sure, but when he's making any sort of choice on his own, he couldn't do it." He paused and shrugged at Leia. "I don't know ya to say what ya'd do." And then he looked at Clef. "Ya...could. Ya can get pushed enough, broken enough for that. Too much 'greater purpose' without enough 'have to help do dumb chores' impulses. The type to be pulled into the 'righteous need sacrifices' ideas."
"I didn't need that. I didn't need to be broken. I didn't need to be made into a meat puppet. Lord Ganon never manipulated me. Vaati never scared me. I knew what I was doing. That makes a difference Clef. There's a huge difference between the person who steals a loaf of bread because they and their family is starving and the person who does it because they want to hurt the baker's livelihood. Because at one point, hurting people was my go to solution. Even now, its my first thought. I always have to think what would someone better then me do?" He glares at the tabletop as he speaks, voice low.
He holds up the torn notepad. "There is a big enough part of me that wants to do this to ya so maybe ya would finally get it, that the reason its not my go to isn't because of my 'character' as an extremely deliberate choice. I'm not asking ya to fixate on flaws, but ya think my motivations are that I admire good people because I'm good, and that person doesn't exist. I admire them for a lot of reasons, and none of them are that," He drops the pad and he looks at Clef. "I act like a good person because I realize that being good is how I can be happy."
"The first thing I used was myself, and that did nothing. All it showed was ya were so convinced on what our relationship should be, that when I reminded ya of what it was, it didn't even shake yer resolve. Ya have this picture of who I am, on what our relationship is, that ya've never truly looked at me or where we are."
He leaned closer, trying to catch Clef's eyes. "Why do ya think yer my father? I never agreed to that. Why do ya think I'm yer son? When did I ever act like it? When did I ever show even a sign I wanted that? For crying out loud, Clef, if anything, I've been acting more like a parent to ya, helping ya figure out how to handle a complicated relationship with Link. I never wanted a parent, I was hoping for a friend, but ya decided what we were without a care on my opinion. Why do I need to be yer son to matter?"