The frustration and emotions bubbled and bubbled and bubbled until he felt he was going to explode. Until he was perfect akuma bait.
And then all at once they just... drained out of him. He dropped into his seat like a puppet with all his strings cut. His head hit the table as all the energy that had been roiling within him just... vanished. Would it be back soon? Maybe. Probably. But at the moment there was...
Pain and confusion.
Emotional exhaustion.
Like a child on a sugar rush, the moment that rush ended. He spoke loud enough to be heard, just. But it wasn't because he was hiding his tears that he didn't lift his head. It was because at the moment he didn't think he had the strength to sit upright. He hardly had the strength to speak the words that felt like they were being ripped painfully from within his heart.
"Of course friendship would have been enough. But you became brothers... if I didn't want to be your father too...." now some of the words were swallowed by the table, some of the gaps now coming from hesitation, some now coming from words lost syllables. "...was afraid...." A small hiccup of a sob. "You'd feel.... left out.... unwanted.... afraid...." and then his shoulders were shaking too much for more words. Well, for more words that were understandable. He tried a few times before giving up the attempt. He felt wrung out, limp, weak. He had to be strong for his boys, they had said that. But right now... he didn't know how to be strong. Didn't know how to be anything.
It wasn't like when he gave up, his will wasn't leaving him or anything like that. He was just, for the moment... lost. Emotionally.
Look, he's not used to big emotions for such a sustained period of time. Usually someone snaps him out of his temper before it goes this strong or long. When he got too frustrated or too angry or too whatever... Presea used to hit him upside the head or bonk him on the top of the skull and it refocused him. Or he forced himself off of the emotional ledge. But this time there was too much, and... now he was just... spent.
Or maybe it was just that the pain was now so much stronger than the frustration. He couldn't figure it out. Didn't have the strength to turn inwards and try. Because inwards didn't matter. His own pain didn't matter. Couldn't matter. Shadow and Link had to be what mattered.
He forced himself to lift his head. Tried to. Managed it the fourth time. Didn't bother to hide his tears or his shaking. Was afraid that Link would be disgusted and leave over his weakness.
Link choosing to leave was a fear that he suspected would be with him forever. Lurking in the background. Waiting for weak moments like this to snap him up.
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And then all at once they just... drained out of him. He dropped into his seat like a puppet with all his strings cut. His head hit the table as all the energy that had been roiling within him just... vanished. Would it be back soon? Maybe. Probably. But at the moment there was...
Pain and confusion.
Emotional exhaustion.
Like a child on a sugar rush, the moment that rush ended. He spoke loud enough to be heard, just. But it wasn't because he was hiding his tears that he didn't lift his head. It was because at the moment he didn't think he had the strength to sit upright. He hardly had the strength to speak the words that felt like they were being ripped painfully from within his heart.
"Of course friendship would have been enough. But you became brothers... if I didn't want to be your father too...." now some of the words were swallowed by the table, some of the gaps now coming from hesitation, some now coming from words lost syllables. "...was afraid...." A small hiccup of a sob. "You'd feel.... left out.... unwanted.... afraid...." and then his shoulders were shaking too much for more words. Well, for more words that were understandable. He tried a few times before giving up the attempt. He felt wrung out, limp, weak. He had to be strong for his boys, they had said that. But right now... he didn't know how to be strong. Didn't know how to be anything.
It wasn't like when he gave up, his will wasn't leaving him or anything like that. He was just, for the moment... lost. Emotionally.
Look, he's not used to big emotions for such a sustained period of time. Usually someone snaps him out of his temper before it goes this strong or long. When he got too frustrated or too angry or too whatever... Presea used to hit him upside the head or bonk him on the top of the skull and it refocused him. Or he forced himself off of the emotional ledge. But this time there was too much, and... now he was just... spent.
Or maybe it was just that the pain was now so much stronger than the frustration. He couldn't figure it out. Didn't have the strength to turn inwards and try. Because inwards didn't matter. His own pain didn't matter. Couldn't matter. Shadow and Link had to be what mattered.
He forced himself to lift his head. Tried to. Managed it the fourth time. Didn't bother to hide his tears or his shaking. Was afraid that Link would be disgusted and leave over his weakness.
Link choosing to leave was a fear that he suspected would be with him forever. Lurking in the background. Waiting for weak moments like this to snap him up.