voidtreckerexpress | (closed) i wish i had a spell to stand against the sadness

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(closed) i wish i had a spell to stand against the sadness

Who: Madoka, Ignis, Tony
When: Right after her post.
Where: Probably the kitchen and Tony's lab?
What: Madoka gets an unfortunate reminder of unprocessed trauma and ends up needing her dads.
Warnings: Trauma. Probably talk of young girls getting beheaded and/or eaten by monsters. Tony is probably worth a warning of his own just in case.

[ Things have been fairly good in the train up until now. Sure, the missions have been scary - especially in the beginning. That first one was just much too overwhelming for Madoka. But she's gradually grown used to them, to the point where she can handle them. She's met nice people. She's gained new friends. She's gotten adopted. Everything has been relatively good.

So much so that it's completely pulled her mind away from everything back home. Everything that she's seen in such a short timespan. Maybe it's exactly because she hasn't thought about it in so long that it hits extra hard now she's gotten a reminder of it.

Madoka completely abandons the ICP and runs, her chest tight and her heart pounding in her ears. ]

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[ Considering she hardly feels like she can even think, it's probably either a miracle or sheer instinct that her feet just keep going until she manages to reach the kitchen. The girl probably looks more like a ghost than human right now. Her face is so pale that it looks like she might just pass out on the spot, she's breathing really hard from having ran as fast as she could over here, her eyes are hazy with unshed tears.

But even through that haze she can see the man standing there. Her chest doesn't fill up with relief quite yet while the memory that was brought back to the forefront of her mind is still so strong, but at least she's found one of the only people she'd want to see right now in this state as she stares at Ignis.

Her mouth drops open, unable to even form words for a moment or two more before she manages to squeeze out one tiny word, almost sounding more like a sob than anything else. ]

Papa..

[ It's the first time she's actually called him that. Before she felt unsure about it, hesitated, but not this time. She's just scared. She wants her parents. And right now, right here - that's him. ]

[ The downside of being stuck on a train is that you can't just keep running forever. Eventually you're just going to run out of train. And yet that's all Madoka can think about right now. She just has to keep running, maybe then she'll be able to somehow escape the memory that keeps replaying over and over in her head, making her feel sick to her stomach.

The only thing that manages to make her stop running for a moment is the realisation that there's suddenly a familiar door in front of her. Or rather, the realisation of the person she's most likely to find behind it.

Usually she'd stop and question herself at least thrice. Should she be doing this? What if she'd bother him? What if she's just overreacting?

Not right now though. The feeling is just too intense. She just feels so sad and overwhelmed and scared, and right now she just wants someone she trusts and knows she can rely on. Madoka just needs someone to be there for her since it feels like she'll go crazy otherwise.

So there's none of the usual hesitation. Madoka just rushes in there, and even if Tony is in the middle of something, the girl just blindly runs to practically throw herself at him. He should be able to notice the way her entire body is shaking as she clings to him, but even more noticable is the fact she just starts sobbing a moment later. ]

[Tony was reading when when the door to his lab is thrown open and a tiny blur of pink and blue charge him. There were a few shocking things about this situation. The first is that Madoka, of all people, would ever open a door without knocking and double-checking with him that it was okay to come in (not that he minded). Second, that knowing his luck, he wasn't in here doing something stupid. The other was obviously the distress she was in.

His arms went around her and he tugged her closer.]

Mady? What's wrong? What happened?

~~Who do I need to murder?~~

Ignis had a lot on his mind since his small chat with Tony. Something within their relationship had shifted. It wasn't anything bad either. They had spoken of Madoka and had expressed admiration of different qualities they saw in each other. And then there was the odd feeling of peace, something that he wasn't on friendly terms with, trying to protect a crown prince from an empire bent on destroying him.

So the advisor had gone to the kitchen and since Blue team was on meal preparation he decided to see if he couldn't come up with a new recipe.

Setting the cookbook down, he pushed his glasses up over his nose and checked the book again. He was combining what was in the book with some new ingredients.

Suddenly something pricked in his mind and he looked up to see a pale Madoka. He'd never seen her like this and was immediately alarmed. Why did the girl look ready to cry? Had something happened? Other than the video of..

That word. She called him Papa? Or did she have a dream about the man at home?

Either way it didn't matter. Moving quickly from his position behind the counter, Ignis circled around and knelt before her. And as he did, he recalled telling Tony that he wished he could be more spontaneous like the older man.

So there was hesitation for a moment but then Ignis inwardly snarled at himself and enfolded Madoka in his arms. "What's wrong darling?"

His voice came out softly, never betraying that if someone hurt his daughter, they were going to answer to him. Tony wouldn't have a chance to deal with whoever it was.

[ At first it seems like she isn't even capable of talking. And it's not like she doesn't want to explain herself. Madoka doesn't want to worry him, doesn't even want to bother him, but it feels so hard to even find words right now. Her throat feels so tight, and everything just feels awful. All she can do is try to hide from the rest of the world and her awful memories by clinging to Tony instead, only letting out a whimper in response to his questions, followed by more sobs.

She's still trying though. It's hard, but she really doesn't want to let Tony in the dark when he's asking her what's wrong. But explaining it in full requires more words than she's capable of forming right now, so instead she only manages to force out one thing between choking up from the tears. ]

I.. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry..!

Apparently Ignis has chosen the most perfect timing to be able to get over his own hesitation when it comes to initiating physical contact with her, since it's much harder for her to do it herself while she's in this state. It already took so much to run all the way over here, and now she's done running it's like the rest of her body just decided to shut down rather than deal with everything.

But once she finds herself in the man's arms, she does manage to move. Just a little bit, just enough to cling to him tightly. There's a strange desperation in her shaking hands, like she's afraid he'll disappear if she lets go.

"I... I.."

She tries to explain, but further words are instead replaced by a sob. Being here with Ignis does make things better. Madoka had hesitated before about what to call Ignis now he was acting as her father here. Calling him the same way she calls her father back home felt a little strange in that moment, so she hesitated back then in the tunnels, but.. right now it only feels appropriate. She really is clinging to him like she would have done to her father back home, after all.

Tears start to roll down her cheeks as they fall from her eyes, but she really tries to force out the words, no matter how choked up she feels.

"I'm a b.. bad p-person..."

[As she continued to struggle with words, it reminded him of when Morgan got hurt. Even if he could see it was just a tiny little scratch, it would always kill him to know she was hurting and he couldn't make it go away. He hadn't seen Mady this upset before and it broke his heart.]

Shh.. it's okay, honey. You're okay.

[He reassured her as he pulled her onto his lap. He gently rubbed her back and watched her face as if there would be clues there he could use to piece this puzzle together. He glanced around the room for a drink for her, but the only thing he had was coffee that had gone cold. It might have traces of whiskey in it too.

Well!.. no, Tony. No.]

You're safe, Mady.

[ She's easily pulled onto his lap - Madoka is a near ragdoll in her current state, honestly, with her being too focused on her emotions to think much about what her body is doing. In fact, she doesn't move at all until he speaks those last words. Those get her to pull her face back enough to actually look at him.

Tony is right. She's safe. She isn't in that moment anymore, yet why can't she stop feeling like it even though she's right here with him..?

It's at that moment that Madoka seems to realise how awfully puffy and watery her eyes must look from crying, and she covers them with her hands in shame. It's not that she doesn't trust him with the emotion. She knows Tony wouldn't make fun of her, he's been supportive of her so many times already. But it just doesn't feel right to be so weak in front of him when she always thinks of him as the strongest person on the train. She ought to do better than this. ]

I.. [ It feels like it gets harder to breathe as she tries to explain herself, but she's really trying now. ] Someone.. S-Someone mentioned something to me, and.. and it made me remember something r.. really awful. And now I keep thinking about it, and.. and it's like I just.. can see it over and over..

[ And experience it again. Especially the sounds. Those awful sounds of crunching of bone and flesh-- ]

M-Mister Stark, someone.. someone died because of me back home.. I-it's a-all my fault..!

Madoka was shaking and Ignis had zero experience with this without being a teenager himself. Sometimes Noct would have horrible dreams from when he was hurt as a boy by the Marilith and Ignis would be there to try and comfort the Prince until he felt better. However, this was a very different scenario. He wished he had Tony's wisdom and experience, but it was going to be obviously lacking. Hopefully Madoka would overlook it and forgive him.

The hands that were shaking were also clinging to him for dear life and the advisor felt like he was being tipped head first into parenting. His own hold on the girl tightened slightly, protectively. If there was one thing he was good at, it was being patient, so he waited for her to speak. Finally when she did speak a single word, he'd expected her to pull back to talk. But she didn't and that was alright.

Gently and awkwardly he rubbed her small back in a poor attempt to soothe her. The sob really worried Ignis, but he wasn't going to let that show to her at all. "Darling, it's alright, you're safe." And that's when he heard Madoka say she was a bad person. His body tensed slightly and he held on.

Questions first before assumptions so he tried to think critically and logically despite the girl crying, shaking and clinging to him for dear life. "Did someone tell you that?"

He didn't dare pull away, so she would have to first.

Edited 2020-02-07 02:08 (UTC)

[The last thing Tony was thinking about was how puffy and watery her eyes were. He gave her the smallest smile when she looked at him, but his expression was mostly worried.

He wanted to demand a name, but the more she talked the more he realized this was trauma. It could've been anyone and could've been something very innocent. He was still going to throttle the guy, but he at least might recognize it was an accident.]

Mady, darling, how can that be? You're so sweet and caring. Was it really something you did or did someone get hurt because someone else did something- like if they were protecting you?

When he asks that question, Madoka quickly shakes her head - something Ignis will probably be able to feel more than see, with how tightly she still is pressing herself against him. There's almost something kind of desperate about the way she shakes her head so quickly and intensely. Like she really doesn't want someone else to be blamed for something she feels like she caused herself anyway.

Her breath hitches as she cries, but she knows it's impossible to explain what's wrong to him as long as her face is that close to him. So Madoka sucks in a breath and tries to get her breathing under control as she at least pulls her head back. (Her hands, however, are not letting go of him at all.)

Now she can look at him, it's very obvious that she's crying. The tears are still flowing even now, after all. It's not that she doesn't feel safe near him - of course she does feel safe with him - but the revived memory feels much too intense to calm down from just yet.

"S.. Someone said.." She sucks in another sharp breath between tears. "Someone said something t.. that reminded me.. B-Back home my friends all died because I.. because I was too weak..!"

Madoka sniffs.

"And y-yet I'm here just.. living normally.. I-I'm making friends, and eating cake, a.. and I even have a father here.." Those last words make her grip on him just a bit tighter again. "I'm.. I'm doing all of that as if n-nothing's wrong. As if everything back home i.. isn't my fault. I'm such a bad person..!"

[ When she sees the smiling part of his expression, Madoka really wants to smile in return. She doesn't want to make him worried, and he is very obviously looking worried. But it feels impossible for Madoka to manage to gather together the power that's needed to say or do anything even slightly reassuring when she's still freaking out. If she already can't stop her tears and barely control her breathing enough to speak, then how could she go as far as try to smile?

At least Tony has the right idea in the sense that Madoka is, as ever, blaming herself for things that aren't her fault. Or at the very least not her direct fault. But in Madoka's head it all feels very much like she personally caused everything somehow.

So the girl shakes her head. Momentarily she shuts her eyes, but opens them again quickly when she realises looking at Tony at least feels much, much better than subjecting herself to the images in her own mind. ]

No, I..

[ She sucks in a very shakey breath, trying to sort out her thoughts enough to convey them to him. ]

Back home, I.. I knew a girl. She was a magical girl, a-and she was fighting the evil witches back home all by herself. S-She didn't even have parents, or siblings, or friends.. So I thought.. I thought it was so sad that she had to fight all by herself like that. No one ever even a-acknowledged what she did.. S-so I promised her that I'd fight with her..! I'd become a magical girl too, a-and then we could fight together. But she got distracted when I told her that, and... and..

[ The hardest part to tell draws out another sob from her. ]

She died..! T-The witch bit her head off, and then ate it.. And all I could do was watch, b-because.. because I don't have any power, and I was too weak.. She died all by herself like that, without anyone knowing, just because of me..!

Alarms are going off in his mind, but Ignis can't figure out what the issue is. He continued to hold onto Madoka and he's still unsure what to do or what to say so he remains quiet but he can almost hear his heart breaking to hear this girl crying her heart out. He just felt so helpless and useless to aid her.

As she pulls back, the advisor reached up to gently wipe the tears away, but he didn't try to tell her not to cry. He'd heard that was important from overhearing some of the girls on the train talking that they hated when the men in their lives did that, so he didn't.

"Who darling? On the train?" Ok someone was getting a talking to. And then it felt like his heart was breaking all over again because she blamed herself for her friends dying and saying she was weak. Madoka was a source of strength for Ignis and he was positive for so many other people. After all, her post made people come together and work for the greater good. But he figured all of that might get overlooked.

At this point he felt like crying when she gripped him saying she had a father here. Ignis could relate to what she was saying because beneath all of his smiles and carrying on as if nothing was amiss, daily he thought about Noct and the others. Were they safe? Had something happened? Were they alright? Were they eating?

"You're not a bad person." He tried to say this gently and easily. "But I don't think anyone back home would begrudge you the opportunity to have a life, would they? Would your friends want you to be happy or sad?"

The words don't make her stop crying, but as she stares at him Madoka does at least seem to try and think over what he's saying - a testament as to just how much Ignis' words and opinions mean to her, really. They're able to at least momentarily halt her overwhelming self-doubt.

She sniffs, and then shuts her eyes to shake her head.

"T.. They'd want me to be happy, I think.." She can already imagine Sayaka screaming about what she'd do to anyone who made Madoka cry, after all. That's always what she's been like.

At least the crying is quiet now, compared to the sobs from earlier, but it does make her have to pause between sentences before she can speak on.

"But.. they all.. they all died so painful and lonely.. Then w-why am I the one still l-living and being happy like this..? They were all s.. so much stronger and better than me.."

Ignis felt his heart lurch as Madoka said her friends would want her to be happy. He would never say as much but sometimes he wondered what the boys back home would say about him being separated from them and being on the train, finding a place here and a family and all that. He could only hope that they would be as kind and as understanding as this girl's friends.

They still hadn't broken contact and he was still as determined to make sure he wasn't the one who broke it first. But now she was asking hard questions, one he didn't have answers to because if the same thing happened in his situation, Ignis would have the exact same thoughts.

His hand shook a little as he fought with himself. He couldn't quite bring himself to do as Tony did with the head pet, but he very very briefly lifted a hand to touch her face. "I don't have the answers as to the why darling. But you can always honor them by wearing their favourite colours or listening to songs that they liked or remind you of them." Ignis tried to smile, to be strong for Madoka's sake.

[Tony waits. He's not known for patience and he'd never claim it as one of his virtues, but for Mady, he waits until she's able to talk to him. If she needed more time, he would've granted it, but he was a little relieved when she finally starts talking.

He was taken back by the violent imagery and how that had obviously traumatized this girl. Hell, even he might need therapy over seeing some girl's head ripped off and eaten. WTF was that?]

She wasn't alone, sweetie. You were there with her. She had a friend and I'm sure she was so glad to have one. You were her friend the very moment she needed one the most. And it's not your fault you didn't have any magic or weapons to fight a witch like that. Maybe that's why you're here? You get to learn all this cool stuff about fighting and magic and when you go back, you're going to give that witch the biggest fight she's ever been in and kick her ass- I mean, butt, sorry. But that wasn't your fault. You didn't do that to her. The witch did.

For a moment she stares at him when he says that. She's not sure if that's enough, honestly.. It doesn't feel like it's enough. With the sheer amount of constant self-doubting and self-blaming Madoka does, it feels like she should have been punished by now for her own involvement in her friends' deaths.

But if Ignis says it's so, then maybe she should just believe that. He's never been wrong before, after all. And she already knows he wouldn't just lie to her. So even though his words are hard to accept as a solution, Madoka nods all the same.

And more importantly, she definitely is leaning into that touch he's giving her. It just feels comfortable to be near him. It's not as if she's completely stopped feeling upset just yet, but it's at least getting less frantic. The memory revived by that one word from the man on the network is growing less intense. She can slowly start to breathe again.

"Before my friend Mami died.."

She speaks slowly. It's still hard to talk about, after all, and it feels like she'll just start crying all over again if she forces herself too hard.

"I.. I promised I'd become a magical girl too, so she wouldn't have to fight by herself anymore.. But I never got to fulfill that promise." Because Mami died, careless from Madoka's sudden promise. Died all alone inside of that Witch's barrier, without anyone even knowing she was gone. "B-But.. because of that we talked about what I should w-wish for when I'd become a magical girl.. And she said that if I couldn't think of a wish, I should just wish for a really big cake."

That memory feels so vivid, even now. Mami's smile. The tears she wiped away.

"I wonder if that's why I keep wanting cake.." Maybe it was her mind trying to honor the other girl, just like Ignis said, without Madoka even consciously realising it.

[ Madoka sniffs as she listens to him, trying really hard to calm down. It's tough, but she at least wants to give him proper attention while he's crying to help her out. Her hands move up to furiously wipe at her eyes, trying to at least get rid of the tears there. ]

You think so..?

[ She really isn't so sure of that herself, but Tony is so amazing. Surely he'd know better than her when it comes to these things. ]

You really think I could learn something like that..?

[ Sure, it won't do anything to bring back her friends. She's just going to have to live with the trauma of seeing their horrible deaths and the guilt of not having been able to save them. (That's why - despite her efforts to try and calm down - she still looks pretty upset as she stares at him.) But maybe she could still do something about the future, to prevent more people from getting hurt. ]

At least Madoka seems to be okayish for right now. And if she was or if she wasn't, either way Ignis would be there no matter what. He was surprised for some reason that she was leaning into his touch but obviously the girl needed it.

The dusty blonde head turned to the side to listen to every detail, knowing what she said would be important, so that was what he focused on. He wasn't quite sure the details as to what a magical girl was, but obviously it had to do with magic. What kind and how to wield it would be points of curiousity for the scholar and he'd find out. But the important thing was to let her talk.

The cake part makes him smile though and he nods. "You will have to forgive me as I am quite unsure what a magical girl is, but I can supply the cake if you provide the details." The smile grew a bit warmer and he nodded. "If you want to work on becoming what you promised, I will be there with you every step of the way. You're not alone here." He knew Tony would be there for her too, but that was between them.

He's doing better than he himself might realise. Because really, the thing Madoka needs the most right now is comfort - and he's already been providing that with his presence and physical contact - and a distraction from those painful thoughts. And the latter is exactly what's starting to happen with what he's saying.

Of course it doesn't mean she'll completely forget about this memory. It will for sure haunt her dreams at night, but for the moment she's just trying to take in what Ignis is saying while trying to rub the tears off her cheeks.

"Oh.. I'm sorry, I should've told you.." Madoka sucks in a deep breath as her breathing finally starts to steady a bit. "Magical girls are.. um.. There are these monsters in my world called Witches, and magical girls are the people who protect everyone else from them. They're all girls around my age.."

You know, hence the term 'girls' and not magical ladies or something.

"You can make a contract to become a magical girl. It means you'll have to fight, but you also get one wish in return. I-- I really wanted to become one at first. Since I thought it'd be nice to be able to help everyone like that. But.. after what happened with Mami, after I saw her die like that.." Her voice shakes a little again, but this time she manages to keep herself from crying all over again. "I was so scared.. I didn't dare to do make a contract anymore. I didn't want to die all alone like that.."

She shakes her head, as if to shake off the thought.

"But right now there's a really, really powerful scary Witch back home. And all other magical girls.. m-my friends.. they're dead. I'm the only one who can do something about it, so I do have to become strong.." She doesn't say it with as many words, but the implication is pretty heavy in the words she does say. If Ignis - and Tony for that matter - want to help her with that, she's alright with it. But she wouldn't want to bother them.

He shook his head. "You've no need to apologize darling." His heart ached as he listened and with what she saw..well it now made a lot of sense. But his voice remained as gentle and unruffled as always when he spoke to her.

"Perhaps that might explain your reluctance to fight here." There was absolutely no judgment in the tone, it remained calm and steady.

There was a smile. "Don't forget you have people here who love and care about you. So don't be afraid to let others help you bear your burdens."

[When she starts rubbing at her eyes, it reminds him to pull a handkerchief out of his pocket and offer it to her. At her question he nods with a little smile.]

Of course you can. You're Madoka. You can do anything you set your mind to. And don't feel bad about crying. Sometimes when I think of my daughter from back home I get sad too. I've been told that's how you deal with grief is to let yourself cry and tell stories about those you've lost.

[And not to drink the emotions away, but obviously not something he was going to bring up here.]

That gentle reassurance is so much like Ignis.. although it's the last part that's a little more difficult to hear. Because she knows she has people who care about her here. Surprisingly more than she ever thought. But she's always been so bad at sharing her worries. Even back home with her parents she was always so cryptical if she did ask them something, never betraying her full problems. She just doesn't want to be a bother to anyone else, especially when they might already be dealing with her own burden.

"I.. I know."

She slowly nods.

"But.. everyone here has gone through tough things already at some point, right..?" Especially when you consider just how many people here seem capable of fighting. There's no way so many people in Madoka's own relatively peaceful world could do all that. "I don't want to add my own problems to anyone else's.."

[ She'll gladly take that handkerchief to wipe away her tears while she listens to him speak. The mention of his daughter is what gets her to momentarily pause. Leaving a daughter behind back home.. that must be really tough. She can only imagine what it's like, since she's much too young herself to fully understand any parent's feelings, but it must be pretty sad if it's enough to get Tony of all people sad.

She pauses, letting the handkerchief rest on her lap for a moment as she seems to think. ]

Then.. maybe you can tell me a story about her?

[ Maybe that'd help him too, right? Madoka always feels better about things when she doesn't feel like she's the only one benefitting from it. And it's not like she'd mind hearing, since she's a little curious what his child could have been like.. Not to mention it might be a good distraction from her own awful memories. Surely Tony has happy memories of his daughter. ]

O-Only if you don't mind.

Hypocrite right here because Ignis doesn't share his problems. Many were the times he took on the burden of something, absolutely refusing to share whatever was wrong, even with Noctis. And he didn't ask for help on the battlefield either, instead always being the one to give to the others.

There's a genuine smile of understanding because Ignis gets it. And as Madoka goes on, that smile only increases.

"Of course darling. But sometimes sharing troubles with others helps both parties out."

But she would more than likely have a quicker 'in' with Ignis than anyone else, with the exception of Tony of course.

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(closed) i wish i had a spell to stand against the sadness

for ignis

for tony

Re: for tony

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