voidtreckerexpress | I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

Entry tags:

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

Who: Nita and YOU. Preferably close CR, but anyone can stop by.
Where: Quiet Car, second floor, a room near the front of the carriage.
When: Middle half of Grasshopper; post-platform, pre-event.
What: A(n ex-) wizard retreats. Some may come to reprimand, some to console, some just to find out WTF happened.
Warnings: ... Discussion of what's basically psychic assault in this log, folks. Mind your headspace!

After the platform, Nita retreated into herself. That was the best way to describe it; she could not be 'booked' in one of these rooms the same way she could have been in the Medical Car, but she spent as much time as she could in just the one room, not speaking unless spoken to, not leaving except to go to the restroom or fetch another journal.

No matter when one arrived to check on her, she would be either resting - staring off into space more than actually sleeping - or writing.

Some of the words were crossed out, as if she had had a tough time finding the right ones, but the writing looked to be formal in nature. A report. And, most notably, it was in English, not the alien curves of the Speech.

If she had to live with her actions, Nita figured, the least she could do was explain them - and explain why they were wrong.

Mostly, though, what encompassed her mind was the emptiness of it all. She couldn't even be angry now.

Fitting.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This time, Nita gave Kitty a slightly-confused look; the teen had hit the idea right on to start with, after all.

"The train itself. I made contact, clamped on with the spell and started digging and..."

She sighed.

"All I could sense was confusion, and then anger. Then it kicked me out and-"

She cut herself off, slumping her shoulders.

To be honest, she hadn't been sure. While people had talked about the train being sentient before, she hadn't thought anyone could actually use mental attacks on it. Hearing Nita confirm that the train was actually sentient now though didn't exactly surprise her.

What really surprised her was that Nita was the one doing it at all.

"But why were you attacking the train in the first place?"

"Given how many people are angry at the train, I guess I should be surprised something like this hasn't happened before..."

But that wasn't answering the question.

"Did you know Sven? I saw that he'd disappeared and was just - just sick of it all. I hit my limit."

And now all the good will she might have been fostering with the train is gone.

She ran the name through mind for a moment, then shook her head.

"No, I don't think I did. I'm sorry to hear that though." She knew about people disappearing, but she could only guess how difficult that could be for some people. "Were you two very close?"

"We'd... shared some personal things, after the mission in Gyueran."

After what happened to A-Qing, she didn't add, even though it was also true. No need to send herself on another guilt trip right now.

Nita curled up into herself, sighing again.

"I don't know what to do now. Or, I know what I should do, but I don't know where my head's at to do it, or- or something!"

"Hey, Nita, it's okay," Kitty tried to soothe her, placing a gentle hand on Nita's arm. "Let's just take a breath, and if you want I can try to help you figure things out. Okay?"

Nita exhaled, then, and just- breathed.

"... Okay. Maybe if I talk it out piece-by-piece?"

What would her mom say? ~~Oh god, what would her mom say?~~

She nodded encouragingly. "Sounds good. Take your time."

~~Maybe she should have complained about not knowing where to start telling the tale...~~

Eventually, Nita began to speak again. "I've been sleeping off-schedule, ever since the mission. I wouldn't blame it on void sickness, but sleeping and being tired all the time can't have been good either. And I've been losing people for- a long time. Well before I came here."

She looked up at Kitty, not sure how much the teen could relate but expecting there was at least some commonality there.

Kitty could definitely understand some of that, even if it wasn't entirely the same. Even back home, she did find her sleep schedule slightly off after a mission, and a week of school never really helped that much. And while she hadn't lost a lot of people, she could relate to the pain of losing someone, and she couldn't imagine what it was like to go through that more than once.

So instead of answering, she simply nodded, urging the other teen to continue.

It took Nita some time to pick up the thread again, without a prompt from Kitty, but she managed.

"And I've never used psychotropics before while I've been here - I only attempted to use them in Nautilus, the other place I'd been, when I was literally not in my right mind. And back home, I only used them when I felt there was no other choice, and I still worried the whole time because what I was seeing was private."

It all felt a bit like babble to her, now, but she pressed on.

"So, when I saw Sven's name was yellow, I guess I just... snapped. And doing psychotropic wizardries, just because you're angry..."

She shook her head.

"That's not the person I normally am. Or the person I want to be, even."

She waited patiently, letting Nita take her own time. And as she spoke, she nodded.

"Sometimes, grief can make us do things we wouldn't normally do. I don't think anyone will judge you for that."

She wouldn't, at least.

Nita almost snorted; she'd gotten real angry first breaking through her depression, too, after her mom had passed...

"It's more the thought that I could do it again, under the 'right' circumstances, that's what I'm afraid of."

"Ah..." She could understand that too. "Well...what do you usually do when you're angry? Even if you don't usually get as angry as this."

"Normally? Find something productive to do with it. Not necessarily training, but there are-"

Were

"Wizardries that can be supercharged if you make yourself focus right."

Nita made a noise: part nostalgia, part regret. "Usually, though, when I'm angry I need to defend someone else or rescue them. It doesn't exactly help in acing math tests, or other mundane stuff."

Or attacking people.

"Why do you need to defend someone when you're angry?"

Not that it was a bad thing to do.

"I meant literally."

Nita sounded almost sheepish now. "Saving my partner from getting trapped in someone else's mind while trying to help them fight the Lone Power, helping take back the Crossings from hostile mercenaries... also saving my partner from a power-mad Martian princess. Anger can be a good tool, you just have to not let it control you."

She sighed. "And I failed at that big time, this time."

"Well...yeah, anger can be a good thing. But needing someone else to work through it can make it harder to deal with, even if you are using it for something good. Even having to be productive with your anger all the time can make things difficult."

Nita just gave Kitty a Look.

"It's not as if I'm angry all the time!"

She sighed again, shaking her head.

"Maybe I just need more time, for this."

"Well I know. I'm not saying that you are. It's just...well, being able to work through your anger can take practice, just like anything else. And sometimes it can be harder to do that if you focus on others on the occasions that you do get angry."

Still, she didn't want to upset Nita any further. "But yeah, maybe just take a bit more time."

"Okay."

She gave Kitty another, regular look.

"I'll- I'll see you around, though, right?"

She sounded vulnerable, now. A pang of weakness. Watch me drive other people away, one could derive she was thinking.

Kitty picked up on some of that, at least, and she hoped her smile was enough of a reassurance to show that she wasn't going anywhere.

"Of course. Just let me know if you need anything, okay?"

Nita nodded, lapsing again into silence.

She would wave as Kitty walked out, though.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

CW: mention of canon death

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Think we can head towards wrapping this one?

Probably yeah

no subject

no subject

Wrap!