voidtreckerexpress | Not So Secret Reports

Who: Open - but it might be hard to find the person behind this mess
Where: All around the train by now, in many public cars. (So not the sleepers, but pretty much everywhere else.)
When: the days following the VoidStorm
What: At one point Xion's journal fell and pages were scattered around the train...
Warnings: Angst. Possible suicide/self harm mentions. Frustrations. Kingdom Hearts drama.

Now that things have calmed down some, there is more than just emotional clean up to see to. Among the debris of things people might have dropped or broken are scattered pages from a fairly basic seeming notebook. The handwriting is perhaps not the best, and some of the words have been smudged or scattered.

Whoever wrote the pages... they aren't there when the pages are found. The hand writing doesn't match the signs around the train, so it probably isn't whoever made those. In fact, few people - if anyone - would have seen this handwriting before. That means the clues are in what little is legible of the pages themselves.

But there are hints of what might be an interesting story, were one bored enough to investigate....

(OOC notes: The pages are numbered here for convenance of meta-planning. They are not numbed IC and are in no way indicative of order. Also Xion is not near any of the pages and has not yet realized they are missing. So these are for people to interact with each other or just post thought posts about having found them. So sadly these will not count for bonus AC new CR with Xion unless someone actually finds her.)

Threaded | Flat

[This page contains a part of a list, mostly illegible. It has been stepped on a number of times, and has gotten wet at some point.]

G[....]s???
[...]dic[...]? Hea[.....]ll?
Gy[.....] ing? Like what we d[.........] ng?
[............]
[..]t. Can I just stay he[....]
[....]ing. Whe[.....] kep[......] ice cream?

[The rest is obscured completely.]

[This one is also not in great shape, but there is less written on it.]

Ax[...] says that I should [.....] there is to do. I'm trying I just [.....]....

[The page is torn and badly damaged. Only the middle of it remains, and in some places the illegibility of the handwriting suffered the addition of footprints.]

...do I even have a heart? [.....] thinks I do. For a while I thought maybe they were r[....]. But I don't think I'm any different than I was before. Did I [.......] or do I still not [......]? What am I now? Have I really chan....

[This page is intact and actually legible. There just isn't much there.]

Do plants have hearts? How are plants different than animals? Are plants people?

[This is clearly a continuation from the missing page before it.]

Not supposed to be with them yet. The me he's supposed to know isn't the me he's not supposed to remember yet. Did I damage things by being remembered too soon? She's not here to tell me. I've looked for her. They're supposed to remember me when they meet the me I'm not yet. But how much will it change? How much will I have changed? How much can I change and still be me? I'm scared to change. To become someone else. There is so little of me that actually even partially exists. When if who I become isn't someone they would want to be Best Friends with? What if they no longer like who I am if I become someone full and real? If I change? What if I no longer like the things I like or fear the things I fear. Will the me who I am die [.....]

I once wrote that I loved [.....]. But was I ever even capable of love? If I am able to love will I still [..............].

I don't know. I don't. I don't want to lose what I have. Even if I am not supposed to have it.

I completed my mission, but I haven't yet. I shouldn't exist as I am now. But I do. And I am scared to go back. Why do things have to change? Why do I [............]

Who am I?

Edited 2020-10-19 16:28 (UTC)

[This page is very much worse for the wear. And clearly part of something from a previous - missing - page.]

from the dorms. He was [......] Noa. I keep thinking Noa will show up, because he always did back [...] the [....]l. [......] fight against [......]

[.........] said that fear is an [.......] But I said he was wrong sure he was wrong. Because even animals can be afraid.

But then [......] said that animals have hearts. I am so confused.

I want to ask him if Noa is here too, even though he is tall and scary, because I want No[.........] to talk to me together so maybe I can understand. But the nice man with the tea from the school is no longer nice. And the nice man with the car told me not to read books and I am so confused now.

They all changed. What if he changed too.

What if I change? How much can I change, and still be me? If I change, what will be left? Would Noa know? Would he think he knows, even if he is wrong?

Why didn't my books explain more?

[The page is mostly blank, save for a few words in the center.]

"I don't understand."

[The top half of the page has been torn off or destroyed.]

trying. I really am. I know he wants me to try harder. I just... I don't know what to do. I am trying to look at this like a mission. But he helps me with missions sometimes. He doesn't give them to me. But I can do a mission. Right? I can do this as a mission. I [...........]

I'll keep trying and I'll keep making my l[............]

The rest of the page is gone.

[Just a scrap of paper a fragment of a page caught half under a seat.]

what are games? What are they for? I [......]

Edited 2020-10-19 16:37 (UTC)

[This one is only the top of a page.]

I am not just a number. I am no longer a number. I am me. Whoever that is, it is still me. He said we are counted by bodies. But I don't want to be X[The rest of the page is missing.]

[This is clearly a continuation from a previous page.]

different since [......]. I don't know why. It is like... I do not even know how to describe it. I don't understand. I don't know who to ask because I don't know how [.....]

Sometimes it is like my whole [..........] differently than what I expect. I don't understand. I am so confused. I've spent more time [............] upset. Because he wants me to go out and learn more. But I don't even know how to as[..............]

I do want to understand. At least, I think I do. Understanding won't make me change? Right? I'll still be me, even if I figure this out?

Or is this me changing already? What will be left? Can I stop this from happening? Should I? Is this what it [...........]a heart? Or do I already [..........] right after all? I don't understnad.

Help me.

Do I want help?

How do I find out?

Ice cream! Now we just need a sunset. And to be together again. But at least he'll smile when I show him the ice cream. Right? I finally figured out how to use my points and I bought us a whole bunch, since I can't just treat after each mission and we don't have missions every day anyway. But I don't know where we should eat them or how to know when. Maybe he'll know. But now we have the ice cream, and that's a start. And maybe we can all be together again soon?

[This is part of a page, it is badly twisted up and damaged.]

mission on [......] we got to see all sorts of interesting things at least. And I got to fight. It is easier than trying to figure things out, fighting. Even if the monsters don't [.....]h and drop munny. Also now that I c[........]blade without hurting anyone, fighting is better again. I can do missions and I am less scared when I am fighting. I think missions are better here than they were there. But we still don't know why we're doing these missions. I think about that sometimes. Last time we were told to do missions and we did but that [..........................]

[............................]

[...........................]

[.....] never to help him again. But it was too late to undo all the damage I did.

[..........] undo the damage we're doing every mission?

[Another page fragment.]

[......] nightmares. I didn't think anyone but us had them. It was scary, seeing him afraid. He's almost never afraid, except when one of us is hurt or in danger. I don't think I've ever seen him afraid for himself. I don't want him to be afraid, but I don't know how to pro[.....]

Not So Secret Reports - OTA. Sorta.

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