If Koumyou hadn't caught Devero's hand, he might have been able to hold himself together. He might have been able to come up with-- something-- enough detail to wrap up this conversation without revealing more than he already had. He might have been able to find a way to convince Koumyou that everything was fine even if he'd flown off the handle. (He's such a bad boy, after all. Isn't that what she always tells him? So lacking in discipline, so pathetic.)

But the priest's bony fingers do catch Devero's. He looks down at Koumyou and it's like something inside him shifts, like snow on the side of a mountain that's disturbed and just starting to slide.

"No fraternizing with anyone!" he says, and he laughs another one of those shaky, humorless laughs. He covers his eyes with his other hand as they overflow, as if he could halt the tears if he just presses hard enough. "Madame expects me to always be available to meet her needs and she says-- she says its her prerogative to decide who to share me with, she says I can't be trusted and I've tried to prove to her I can be, I want to be good for her I swear I do, but I always fuck something up so it's just easier to avoid people so I don't upset her, I don't want to upset her and I don't want to be disciplined but--"

He uncovers his eyes and seizes Koumyou's hand with his other. His eyes are wild, a man staring into the avalanche oncoming and knowingit's probably going to annihilate him. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. "But I don't want to have to avoid you. It's not fair!"