He doesn't say anything right away, a silence that stretches conspicuously. The shame he carries is a boot on his throat, choking off his air, and it's only by closing his eyes and forcing himself to just breathe that he's able to stave off a full-blown panic attack.
"I was dishonorably discharged," he says finally, mumbling the words into his palms. "My squad was guarding a Reclamation Corps camp out in this ruined city they were surveying, but there were these ludds in the city too and they started-- s-started picking us off. First equipment, then our scouts and perimeter patrol. But then somehow they got u-under the west end of the encampment and they set bombs, and the wh-whole thing caved in when they set them off, and--"
He picks his head up, the words starting to come faster. "--And I just remember the ground starting to go out under my Scorpion, and all the civilians with the Corps were screaming and falling and all I could think was I won't let these people die. So I-- I hacked the control interface for the exo and I turned off all the limiters and I just went."
Abruptly he sits up, knocking Sanzo's hands away even as he turns to face him urgently. "I saved every single one of those people, Sanzo! I pulled every goddamn civilian out of there before the sinkhole could eat them!"
But after that outburst, he slumps, the volume of his voice falling. He leans back against the pool again, suddenly seeming tired. He laughs once, humorlessly. "And I almost died from the biofeedback overload. One of my mates had to drag me out of the sinkhole after I-- I passed out. Nearly lost his fucking leg doing it, too.
"...They got me for tampering with equipment at the court martial. Couldn't appeal it, because that's exactly what I did. It was the only way to save those people, but-- but it was the wrong choice? They wouldn't have discharged me if it wasn't the wrong choice."
He scrubs at his eyes, not that his face isn't wet already. "So there it is. My first big fuck-up."
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"I was dishonorably discharged," he says finally, mumbling the words into his palms. "My squad was guarding a Reclamation Corps camp out in this ruined city they were surveying, but there were these ludds in the city too and they started-- s-started picking us off. First equipment, then our scouts and perimeter patrol. But then somehow they got u-under the west end of the encampment and they set bombs, and the wh-whole thing caved in when they set them off, and--"
He picks his head up, the words starting to come faster. "--And I just remember the ground starting to go out under my Scorpion, and all the civilians with the Corps were screaming and falling and all I could think was I won't let these people die. So I-- I hacked the control interface for the exo and I turned off all the limiters and I just went."
Abruptly he sits up, knocking Sanzo's hands away even as he turns to face him urgently. "I saved every single one of those people, Sanzo! I pulled every goddamn civilian out of there before the sinkhole could eat them!"
But after that outburst, he slumps, the volume of his voice falling. He leans back against the pool again, suddenly seeming tired. He laughs once, humorlessly. "And I almost died from the biofeedback overload. One of my mates had to drag me out of the sinkhole after I-- I passed out. Nearly lost his fucking leg doing it, too.
"...They got me for tampering with equipment at the court martial. Couldn't appeal it, because that's exactly what I did. It was the only way to save those people, but-- but it was the wrong choice? They wouldn't have discharged me if it wasn't the wrong choice."
He scrubs at his eyes, not that his face isn't wet already. "So there it is. My first big fuck-up."