voidtreckerexpress | sail through an empty night; [open]

Entry tags:

sail through an empty night; [open]

Who: Otoha and whoever risks coming across him.
Where: Quiet Car
When: Jelly 5
What: Otoha and Koumyou had A Discussion and now he’s struggling with repressed feelings.
Warnings: Talk of death, blood, murder, patricide/fratricide. Also just be warned that if your character is an asshole to him there’s like a 70+% chance Otoha will retaliate physically.

Yosuke Otoha considered himself to be a resilient person. He’d gone through so much - he’d even been inches from death twice in the past week and a half, closer than he’d ever been - and survived years of training and battles and never once felt fear or pain.

But nothing really had prepared him for Reiji’s death, nor the faint guilt that if becoming a Karas hadn’t stripped his memories then he could have been there sooner - but then he’d be dead and so would Reiji.

His conversation with Koumyou had only made those feelings worse, and a faint fear of what Reiji would be facing if reincarnation really was real. As kind as he was, he had still joined the yakuza, after all.

When he wakes up on Jelly 5 he heads straight to a quiet car, which isn’t unusual. He’s not a morning person and he doesn’t want to be disturbed by other people doing their morning routines. But when he closes and locks the booth’s door and lies down, he doesn’t sleep.

Instead he starts crying, silently at first before breaking into sobs. He feels weak, but at least he can’t be heard.

... Except the door is see-through, and if someone walks past at the right angle he’s pretty clearly visible.

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There has been quite a lot to think about these past few days, and for the most part Ryo has simply focused on what was in front of him at the time. Letting his mind wander had only led to homesickness, so he's kept his focus narrow. He hadn't forgotten about the angry stranger who could feel no pain, but he hadn't spent time thinking about him either.

Until now, it seems, as he walks past the quiet rooms and sees the stranger collapsed on a bench. He stops, startled, and looks more closely - he doesn't see any blood, but...is he crying?

It looks for all the world like he's crying.

...oh.

He leaves, and it's a while before he returns, holding a steaming mug in his hands. He hesitates - this could be bad - this could get violent - but-

I am a healer, you are my patient, and I will take care of you.

-he has to try. He makes sure he's at the right angle to be visible and knocks on the door.

He’s not sure how long he’s been in the car. An hour? A few? At a few points he’s pretty sure he fell asleep briefly, but he has zero way of figuring out for how long.

The rap at the door startles him, though, and as he tries to get up to see who it is he rolls too far and ends up rolling onto the floor, bonking his head. Good thing he can’t feel pain...

He looks up and scowls slightly upon spotting Ryo, the expression doing nothing to hide how his eyes are red and puffy. He pulls himself to his feet and unlocks the door, opening it slightly.

“... What do you want?” His voice is scratchy and tired, raw from crying.

...or that could happen.

To his credit, Ryo keeps a straight face as the stranger gets up and opens the door. It's only funny if the person who fell is laughing themselves; otherwise, it's a concern, and he was already concerned about this person to begin with. "I brought you tea," he says simply, gesturing to the mug.

“... Why?” He doesn’t move to take the mug and ticks his hands inside his pockets so Ryo doesn’t look too close. At least his shoulder bandages are less bulky now. “Don’t you have other things to do? People to worry about who actually need it?”

Edited 2021-01-11 04:08 (UTC)

It's possible he doesn't like tea. It's also possible that he's hiding something. Best not to make assumptions. "Not at the moment, no," he says calmly. "Only you."

“... You’re not going to leave me alone until I let you pester me, are you?” Even with naps and the train-mandated sleep he still sounds exhausted.

That sounds like acquiescence. Exhaustion, sure, but acquiescence. "Essentially."

He sighs and steps aside. He’s at least glad he’s in something close to his old clothes so he feels slightly less testy for this conversation.

“... You’re not going to tell anyone what we talk about.” It’s not a question.

Ryo's first response - of course not - never makes it out. This person isn't from his world and wouldn't know about healers' rules. "You have my word," he says, entering and closing the door behind him and clicking the lock into place. He places the tea on the bench the stranger had been on beforehand and takes a seat on the opposite bench.

He sits down but doesn’t touch the tea. He takes a few dee breaths before trying to speak. “... It’s been a week since... since the only person who ever cared about me as a person got killed and I -“

His throat feels like it’s closing up, and even swallowing doesn’t help the strain. “... I couldn’t protect him...” His voice sounds too loud in his ears, even as it comes out thin and nearly squeaking. “It’s my fault...”

Oh, gods. Oh that is a lot.

He remembers some of this from their conversation a few days ago - that he'd lost the only person who cared about him, and that he'd been killed by his only family - and if anyone is going to understand the difference between someone who cares for you and someone who's family, it's Ryo-

But the fact that it's only been a week-

It's honestly a wonder that he'd held it together during their conversation, as far as Ryo is concerned. "You don't have to get it out all at once," he says, voice calm. There is no other choice - he needs to be calm here, to be strong in order to give Otoha space to be weak. "You're safe here, and we have all the time in the world. Deep breaths, alright?" First things first.

He tries taking a few breaths and then takes a sip of the tea, trying to use it to soothe his throat a little bit. He sets the cup down before he can drop it all over himself or the floor and bends forward, clenching at the fabric of his pants.

"I killed... I killed the one who did it, but it was too late... I couldn't even get to the body since the amount of rockets they shot at me probably vaporized it instantly..."

He's not making sense. He knows this doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't understand the background, and he forces himself to shut up, biting his lip hard enough to break the skin slightly. Just breathe.

"... Can't figure out how to put this in a way that makes sense... don't know where to start. He'd be teasing me... telling me that I was safe, I'm away from the group but... I... I told him I'd go wherever he went and..." It's better that he didn't, it's better that he's alive - or whatever his state of existence is, now - but the guilt is still eating at him, making his chest feel hollow.

At least he's listening, now. At least he's breathing. It's not a lot, but it's better than hyperventilating in the face of grief.

There are a number of things Ryo doesn't understand in that explanation, but that doesn't matter. The emotion is what's important, and Ryo can understand that well enough. He gets up - slowly, carefully - and crosses the room, taking a seat on the same bench as Otoha. He's still an arm's length away - close enough to comfort, but hopefully not enough to be threatening.

(As though he could be threatening to someone who considers himself a killer and a monster.)

"It doesn't need to make sense," he says quietly. "It's okay to think about him and wonder what he'd say to you. It's okay to miss someone you love." Because he wouldn't miss him nearly as much - it wouldn't be affecting him nearly as much - if he hadn't loved the person he'd lost in some capacity. "And...it's okay to be hurt."

It's a hell of a thing to say to someone who can't feel pain, but...well, that's not the type of pain they're talking about right now. Sometimes you just need permission to grieve.

He actually laughs, though it's more of a shaky nervous laugh than anything else. "Can't... can't hurt... and I don't... I don't love. I can't." He never deserved it, he never has felt it. He's not sure what the relationship they had was, but it wasn't...

... As if anyone could love someone like him. Reiji had clung to him long enough that they'd become friends, but love is... different. Right? It has to be. He blinks a little bit, trying to keep himself from crying again. "... I... I guess... I don't know. He's... I don't know what I believe. Not sure anything happens after you die but I didn't get to... to bury him. Don't know where I would have - don't think he got along with his family since he never talked about them, so putting him in his family grave would be out, but I... I didn't get to do what should have been done for him. And I can't."

He was crying his eyes out earlier, but he doesn't think he can feel pain. Gods, he really needs someone to be there for him, doesn't he. Ryo lifts a hand and gently lays it on his shoulder. Hopefully the contact won't startle him or drive him away.

"I know it's not the same," he says quietly, "but the garden car is nice, and so is the greenhouse. Maybe you can set up something there for him? Something to remember him by, if you think he would've liked that." It would be less for his friend than for Otoha himself - memorials are generally for the living, after all - but that doesn't need to be said aloud.

"And..." This does need to be said aloud. "Love is just...the ability to care for someone. Friendship is a kind of love." Truths of the world, delivered in the wake of grief. "And just because your body can't feel pain doesn't mean your heart doesn't." A beat. "I'm sorry." He can love, he can feel pain, and he's in pain because he lost someone he loved. There really isn't worse time to learn it, but...better to know and be able to heal than deny it and carry it forever, right?

Gods, Ryo hopes so.

He flinches hard but doesn’t move otherwise. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to pull himself together. “Friendship is different. It’s not... it’s not really love. Not in the same way. There’s... there’s a big difference.” Under his breath he mutters “One of those I’m allowed to have. “

“Don’t have a lot of the things Reiji liked... can try, I guess. Don’t want to be in the way.” He glances to the side and refuses to actually meet Ryo’s gaze. “... Never supposed to be in the way until I’m ordered to be.”

Edited 2021-01-13 20:40 (UTC)

Ryo is silent - for a few moments, and then a few more - as he tries to process that. He's not allowed to form connections. He's not allowed to be in the way unless otherwise instructed. He's-

He's Ryo, if the people of Eloe had used Ryo as a weapon instead of shunning him entirely.

What's worse is, it sounds like he doesn't know.

Ryo had known - he'd known that his treatment was wrong, and that he hadn't deserved it. He'd at least had Ryoga and his uncle to help him and take care of them. Even then, it had taken Endon and Orion months to convince him that there would be no retribution if he spoke his mind or made his presence known - that the world was not like Eloe, and they wanted him there with him.

And the person who would have done that for Otoha is dead. And he still thinks he's beholden to what he's been told-

And Ryo makes a decision.

He stands up and moves to be directly in front of Otoha, looking him dead in the eye. "Alright then," he starts, folding his arms and making his tone as authoritative as he can manage, "I order you to be in the way. If you want to do something that'll help you, and you think it'll put you in the way, then do it anyway." And while he's at it- "And I order you to make friends. It doesn't have to be me - just...find someone you like to spend time with. You shouldn't be alone."

This might not work - this might backfire spectacularly - but he has to try. Healers have authority, and he needs to start exercising it.

Otoha glances up and snorts at Ryo. "... I take orders from the will of the city of Shinjuku now, not you." But... she's not here. He's not sure what to do. He knows he's just a weapon. He knows he's being used.

It's just hard to know what to do when you've been given orders all your life and now just... don't.

"..." He sighs and puts his head in his hands. "What good's a sword without someone to use it? And what are... nn. Reiji was the only one who made me feel human. Like there was life outside of the structure. ... If I'd shut down the idea of running away, he'd still be alive. He'd still be..."

Don't cry, don't cry, don't -

It's not working, and a pained sob make its way out before Otoha can press an arm against his mouth. Why is his chest so tight? Why is it so hard to breathe? Why is he starting to shake?

"... Failed him. I failed him... I told him things would be all right..."

Edited 2021-01-13 23:18 (UTC)

It had been a gamble, and a failure, but at least it hadn't backfired. Beats the alternative.

But Otoha is breaking down, and...honestly, Ryo can't say he's terribly surprised. He's still grieving, even if he doesn't know what to do with it, and that is not overcome for easily. Ryo's posture loosens, and he reaches out to once again lay a hand on Otoha's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he says gently, and lets it settle. Sometimes, there's not much more that can be said for something like that - only space allowed for grieving, and a friendly touch.

It's a bit before he speaks again. "From what you've said of Reiji, it sounds like he might've wanted you to be more than just a sword." A full person instead of someone else's weapon. "And I think you have a chance to do that here, if you want." It's not much - it's so, so little - but if Otoha is the sort of person to worry about legacies and last wishes, it's at least a way forward.

He doesn't push Ryo away but doesn't lean into the touch, still hesitant and closed off. He tries to keep breathing, tries to keep himself steady, but he's choking back sobs and it's so hard...

"... He told me that my brother was going to get me killed. And he sure did try... he wanted to get as far from Shinjuku as we could." He sniffs and wipes at his face. "I don't know how to start over. I don't... have ambitions or hobbies or.. I was just trained to fight and given the basic education everyone has to get. ... I don't have skills outside of killing."

So what's he supposed to do? He's been distracting himself with training, but... well. He gets out of there when the fight club is active.

Ryo keeps his hand there, still gentle, trying to anchor him if he needs it.

"That's okay. What you do have is time." And that's worth so much more than one would think. "You don't have to do anything right away, but you have the time to think about what you like to do instead of what someone else expected you to do. You don't need to have an answer yet, but you can at least ask the question."

That Otoha is still crying hasn't escaped his notice, but he'll address that soon enough.

"... I suddenly have to make all of these choices that I didn't before. I want... I don't know. What I want is to stop this... pressure in my chest. It's... is this what pain is like for people?" Is it like pressure? He has no idea.

He's not sobbing anymore, at least. He reaches over and tries to figure out where to put a hand with this arrangement so just rests it on Ryo's back. "... I don't... how do people do things without... it's not like every aspect of my life was controlled, but a lot was. There's... always been some kind of goal or order..."

Is this what pain is like for people?

Oh, gods. Oh, gods.

Someone with no concept of pain would have no idea how to deal with it, and losing a loved one for the first time is a struggle at best, and here Otoha is, caught at the intersection of the two-

For a moment, Ryo fervently wishes it were Keita here instead of him. Not because he wants to be home, but because Keita's been a healer for longer than Ryo has been alive. He'd know what to do here- he'd know how best to help-

But he's not here. It's just Ryo, with his hands on Otoha's shoulder and his heart quietly breaking for his patient. "This is what it feels like when your heart hurts," he says quietly, feeling the words out and praying they're the right ones. "It's grief, and...the only way out is through. The best thing you can do for yourself is...let it out." He takes a slow breath, lets it out. "I'm sorry."

"... How long does it take to heal?" He's afraid that he already knows the answer - never - but he has to ask. "I shouldn't be feeling this. I shouldn't be feeling hurt. It feels horrible."

He sniffs and takes a moment before he speaks again. "My father - brother... same thing... always said that I couldn't feel fear. I... it's true that getting hurt in a fight doesn't scare me. But it's less that I can't feel it and more I put it to the side and just let it come out in nightmares." He's gotten used to them over the years, though they come and go depending on what's going on. "... I... there's a reason I don't sleep until the train makes me."

Edited 2021-01-14 06:24 (UTC)

Everything Otoha says only breaks his heart all the more. He should have known it would be like this once Otoha mentioned he hadn't been allowed to love, but actually hearing it is something else entirely. "Why wouldn't you feel like this?" His voice is quiet, stable through an act of will and nothing more. "You lost someone you care about, and that hurts. That's...that's what this is.

"And it..." He needs to know. "It never goes away completely. It hurts less, over time, if you let it heal, and after a while it stops hurting all the time, but there will still be some days that..." He trails off and shakes his head. He still has days when he misses a mother he never met. "It never leaves you completely, but I promise you it won't always be this bad."

He's quiet, listening, and there are some things there that he puts aside - there are some things that he'll need the help of all three gods and Fate herself to unpack - but there's still a greater arc to this, something he can respond to without going too deep. "I think you might need to face those too, but- one thing at a time."

And then, bitterly, "And don't ever let anyone tell you what you can't feel. They don't know."

The curse doesn't have feelings. It doesn't matter if you hurt it. He'd left Eloe behind for a godsdamned reason.

"Because... because I'm not a person. Not... really. Not in the same way. You're a person if you're treated like a person. And I... I don't know." He drops his hand and takes a few deep breaths. "... I don't know. I just... I don't know. I don't understand what... what it is I'm feeling."

If this is what pain is like, he'd rather not. He'd like to opt out of this version, too.

For a moment, Ryo stills-

You're a person if you're treated like a person.

-then moves forwards, wrapping both of his arms around Otoha and pulling him into a hug. There has to be something he can do- something more- something better- but whatever it might be, he can't think of it. He can't get past the fact that the person in front of him is in pain and doesn't even think he's a person because other people in his life decided he didn't deserve to be treated like one.

So he hugs him, because human connection is all he can think of to help.

"Congratulations." His voice is barely above a whisper. "You're a person. It hurts sometimes, but I promise there are good parts."

He freezes completely, his brain not really processing what's going on. This kid... this small and almost delicate-looking kid... is hugging him? He's hugging him, arms wrapped around him and pulling in close. That's... that's what a hug is.

Otoha's breath hitches and he presses his face into Ryo's shoulder, starting to shake a little. "... No one's ever... no one's..." Breathe, Otoha. "... No one's ever... done this..."

Not just treated him like a person, but hugged him. No one's wanted to get close, and by the time he had an actual friend it would have just been weird.

Every time Otoha speaks, it adds another dimension to the tragedy. It's awful - it's awful - but it makes a horrible kind of sense. He can't feel pain, his only family said he couldn't feel fear, he thinks he's not a person because nobody treated him like one, and he'd lost the only person who'd cared about him. When would he ever have had the opportunity for something as simple and normal and nice as a hug?

Ryo holds him a little more tightly as he trembles. "And now someone has," he says, as firmly as he can manage, though he can't quite keep the tremor out of his voice. "And if you want another one, tell me, and you can have another one. Whenever you need it."

"Not in front of my team captain, I have a reputation to uphold." He manages a shaky laugh - it's not much of one, but he's already set himself up as someone tough who can do what needs to be done.

"... You're a good kid, Ryo." He lifts his hand and gently ruffles Ryo's hair. "I... uh." He doesn't say this often, but... "... Thank you." He takes a few deep breaths and then lets go, pulling back a bit to try to figure out what's going on in his brain.

"I... um. I know Sanzo said something about making a memorial for Reiji, but... that feels too public? Maybe just... planting something for him. I'm not sure. Something that doesn't have to do anything but just be there peacefully." He's open to ideas.

The laugh is a relief - human emotions are human emotions, and it's good to see Otoha allowing himself to have them, like he damn well should. "After five days?" He's teasing a little bit, playing along, and gods know it's making him feel better too.

He stills completely as Otoha ruffles his hair-

"You're a good kid, no matter what anyone else says. Don't forget that, okay?"

-and a wave of homesickness crashes over him. He winces and swallows it back - this is not the time - and then steps back as Otoha lets him go. "Anytime. I mean it." And if he looks a little misty-eyed...well. Today has been a lot, hasn't it.

He takes a seat on the bench again - next to Otoha this time, as they're already well past that arms-length barrier. "There are open plots in the greenhouse. I was planning on asking for one after we come back from the mission - you can use part of mine if you want, or you could probably get your own too. And...flowers? Maybe a tree? Persephone might have some ideas, if you want to ask her." Most of Ryo's gardening has been strictly utilitarian, and a goddess of spring is probably the best resource around when it comes to growing things.

... Shit, did he do something wrong? He frowns briefly, resting his hands on his lap. "Oh. ... Wait, we were supposed to - oops." He ducks his head slightly. "Should have thought of that... put a few flower seeds in an empty spot. Mostly trying to figure out how to do it right... I've harvested plants, not grown them."

Hm. "You can have that spot. I'm not planning on growing much at first. I... don't really know how."

He listens, head tilted a bit - something happened, though he's not sure what - but when Otoha gets to the explanation-

He leans forward and laughs, quiet and fond. After everything he's been told today, that explanation is a welcome relief and a bit of a pressure release. "Well I guess that one's ours, then," he says with a smile. "Show me where it is - we can put a sign on it or something."

"All right. ... Maybe you can help me clean it up a bit. It's pretty... how should I put it? ... It's kind of a mess."

He's doing his best. He carefully rests a hand on Ryo's shoulder - the hair ruffle was too far, so maybe this will work. "I... it'd be... good to learn something that doesn't involve fighting or killing?" He doesn't mean to, but the end of it turns into a question. He's not sure how to do this, but he's going to try.

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sail through an empty night; [open]

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cw: brief incest mention

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