voidtreckerexpress | And all my walls began to shake

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And all my walls began to shake

Who: Ran (both closed and open prompts)
Where: Various
When: In the few days after departing the Winter Faire after this log and after new arrivals
What: Ran deals with the aftermath of learning about Shinichi
Warnings: N/A?

A. Closed to Ai - The night after the fair, after carrying him back to the train, Ran had holed up in one of the quiet rooms with him, talking. Exhaustion -- mental, emotional, and physical -- had seeped in, and she'd slowly drifted off as they spoke. At some point he'd woken her up, encouraged her to go to bed, and she'd stumbled half-asleep down the darkened hallways to her cabin, crawling into her bed for full rest.

In the morning she awakens still wearing the same clothes she had the day before, her hair mussed, dark marks beneath her eyes. Climbing down the ladder to her bunk, she catches sight of Ai still sleeping. She pauses a moment, a small furrow between her brows -- then grabs her gi and goes to change. She'll return in a few minutes to put last night's clothes on the bed.

B. Open - Ran will slowly seek out a few people who Shinichi has indicated know about him over the next few days, so feel free to reply as though she's found them if your character is one of these. Alternatively, they (or anyone else) can find her in the gym, spa, or kitchen:

Gym - Ran is most often here, attacking the practice dummies and bags with unusual focus and fervor -- sometimes to the point where she looks as though she could have well killed one if it had been alive. Indeed, she has snapped one of the bags from its chain again, and one of the dummies is looking more than a little worse for wear.

Spa - Find Ran in the sauna, wrapped up in a towel and trying to listen to birdsongs. She may get awkward and leave, though, if someone male enters.

Kitchen - Ran stress cooks. Though it's not her team's turn to prepare food, she can likely be found in the kitchen either puzzling over one of the new recipes or trying to make something good out of what basic ingredients are available. Again, much focus, and possibly more mess than she normally makes.

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[Katsuya does not open his eyes.] Like I jus' said! I was in on Conan's secret, an' much as I told 'm tha' stuff would come out, I still helped keep it, so I d'serve what's comin'.

I won' ev'n move.

[sir,]

Mou, I'm not hitting you!

[A bright spot of color has risen to each cheek.]

Who do you think I am??

[Maybe she punches desks and lampposts senseless at home and has threatened to chop Shinichi in half, but.]

[But.]

Nyh?

[Well, now he's opening his eyes.] Y' ain't, seriously?

...dang, kinda used t' tha' bein' how th' steam gets let off. Me an' Honda clocked each other loads 'f times back in th' day....

[This is a poor defense.]

...Er. ...Well, alrigh'. If y' ain't, uh...

[He scratches his head.] ...hones'ly, 'sorry' an' a free punch was all I got, this ain't really the kinda thing tha' happens enough t' really have a great way t' talk abou' it.

[Ran's still flushed, and frankly, both a little flustered and agitated.] Most people don't just go around and punch each other!

[And really, Jou, do you want a girl who can kill an innocent desk to punch you?]

[Quieter,] You can tell me why you didn't say anything. That's a beginning?

[HE CAN TAKE IT !] Ain't really a 'jus' goin' around situation' though yeah?

...Like I said- was a promise. Th' two 'f us woke up in tha' cave, an' I called 'm out on it. An' he was pr'tty stubborn about not sayin' shit, [he added, frowning.]

I mean...I had some hefty secrets 'f my own, I get it...but like I told 'm, that shit comes out one way or another. Thing is though, how'd it feel comin' from me, instead of him? Leas' I could do was giv' 'm th' chance t' come clean on his own.

[.........] Still a dick move though, an' I've been decked f'r less t' be honest.

[She's quiet for a bit, rubbing slowly at her wrist.]

[It's hard to feel settled with the aftermath of learning about Shinichi -- hard to feel settled with the fact that so many around her knew and she didn't. For the last day or so, she's felt like the world had knotted a blindfold over her eyes . . . and in effect, it did.]

[But who's to blame for it? Who does she direct the frustration and anger towards now that she can see? Does anyone truly merit it? Is she just as much to blame, accepting and swallowing lies, ignoring her own instincts?]

[So far it's been a mingling of both, and it's not any more satisfying to ease what she feels.]

[Jou, at least, is acknowledging what's there -- some balm to that lingering ache. Her reply is quiet.] I get it. I . . . really do.

I think . . . it's just really hard not to feel alone right now. Even understanding, it's hard not to be angry with other people. And angry at myself.

And it's hard to know what to do with any of it.

Yeah...prob'bly feels more like ev'ryone was in on some huge secret leavin' y' out...hell I didn' even know so many others were until th' day I caught sight of th' guy in Luggage! An' that was...well.

Th' festival. [Awkward. And he's rubbing the back of his neck.] ...Look. If there's somethin' y' oughta know, 's tha' that's th' only thing I lied abou'- even at th' wint'r fest. Got tha'? I really didn' know where he was aroun' then, but more than tha'...I meant what I said abou' what's keepin' th' guy up at nights.

Bein' angry...well, I figure you've got th' best idea of it. Beat on a few things until it's spent. ...Probably go way faster hittin' someone's nose, but y' said yer piece on tha', [he adds with a laugh.] Oh!

[He roots around in his pocket a moment.] Act'lly, I was holdin' off on th's f'r my own injuries, but... Hoi, come on out Kaseri..!

[A pokeball is pulled out, and tossed- Kaseri is there, along with her naturally calming aura.]

Here- give 'er a pet. She'll help y' cool off too, it's her thing~!

[The sight of Kaseri prompts a little smile, at least, and Ran crouches to touch her, fingers finding the spots that she knows the tiny horse particularly likes. The ponyta is calming, though even Ran knows it's a temporary fix; certain things have to be addressed at their root. Infection has to be drained before a wound can heal. Still, she's not sorry for the respite or the coolness that seeps through her mind.]

Thank you . . . [For Kaseri, for being genuine, for finding her to apologize. There's still some pain, and part of her still wants to be angry, upset that this ever happened in the first place, but. That doesn't feel like a part that's helpful right now, especially when Jou clearly has remorse for it.]

[And she really doesn't want to punch him.]

[Scritching Kaseri, she reminds herself to return to her workout later. And then maybe the spa. She needs to find other ways to channel this.]

I'm glad you told me about the nightmares, even though I could tell you weren't supposed to. . . . Maybe it's something that-- [The name doesn't come perfectly easily.] --Shinichi and I can talk about now. I don't know if I can do anything, but . . . he needs sleep. He thinks he's invincible sometimes, that he can handle anything. But he needs sleep.

I can't imagine that talking about it wouldn't help, at least a little. It's better than keeping it all in.

[Katsuya for his part just looks a bit bashful for a bit.] Hell, tell me somethin' I don' know. I keep tellin' 'm stayin' up ain't gonna help, but best I got is findin' a pokemon w'th Sing 'r somethin'...

I mean at leas' th' train knocks us out a bit or he'd be real screwed, but it's still not great, [he groans.] Doesn' 'xactly help that he can't figure out tha' 'constant' doesn' make it normal either. I mean, I could say I got in fights plenty back home, didn' make it any good. I try talkin' t' him about half of what he dreams up, an' he waves it off like it's no big deal!

[Which is definitely not helping either of them fix this, but, listen!! It's nice to finally be able to get frustrated over this.]

He's like that. [Ran's smile is small and lopsided, wry.] He always has been. He just doesn't open up easily, especially about what he feels . . . sometimes even for me, and we've known each other since we were little. He's also just . . . stubborn.

[Very stubborn.]

You almost have to demand it out of him. [The smile is still there, but also even more lopsided as she focuses on where her fingers are stroking through Kaseri's mane.] It would be nice if something like "Sing" would work, but he'd probably resent you when he woke up . . . and it wouldn't get rid of the dreams.

[A breath.] He needs to address the source of them. I'll try to talk to him. I don't know if I can do anything, but at least maybe now we can talk about them better. I always felt like he was holding back -- and now I know he was.

Heh! I know th' type!

[He is the type.

Katsuya idly scratches at his chin, slowly mulling over the ideas as they come to him.] Hmmm...maybe Sing an' Dream Eater...

Hehehee, probably makes abou' as much sense as th' rest of th' train but I've been thinkin' about this a while I'll admit! He can snip all he wants at me, I got th' perfect excuse t' be invested in this, y'know? His dreams keep hittin' my head!

[He sighs though, nodding.] Talkin' though...'s a good start. Better than shovin' a second Kaseri at 'm or somethin', probably.

[Kaseri, for her part, just gives a cheery whinny.]

[Ran is one of those types too, though in a slightly different way -- and much less aware of it. She has the automatic tendency to deflect concern unless she's really hurt and she knows someone well . . . as though afraid to worry the other person or that their needs are more important than hers.]

[It's not a good habit.]

Is there even another Kaseri-chan?

[Not that she thinks Shinichi would be game for a rainbow pony trailing him around. It would likely offend his ego.]

Hehe, 'course! Wouldn' be her, jus' her species, but yeah!

Place I was in b'fore, all their animals were stuff like this- could do all sorts 'f stuff! I've been thinkin' about it though, since he's not really uh...

[He's making a gesture about his height. Terrible.] ...Doesn' really have any firepower if shit goes south, y'know?

An' I'm bettin' y' have an idea how fast he is runnin' into that kinda stuff too. Be great 'f somethin' could at least get 'm outta it.

[Ran nods.] I had talked to Eva-san about something similar to that a while ago; she had wanted to get Conan-kun one. I said that was fine as long as he was made clear on the responsibility for it.

[The smile she produces goes a bit lopsided again.] I guess . . . I don't really have to give him permission now. It's up to him. He's just . . . stubborn, so I'm not sure if he'd say yes.

[Looking down at Kaseri as she finds a good spot along the mini-pony's neck,] I'll be honest; animals at home are companions -- or wild. Eva-san asked me about one too, but aside from everything on my mind at the time, I think I didn't like the idea of something alive and innocent potentially getting hurt to protect me. Shinichi wouldn't say so, but I think he'd be concerned about that too.

Ah yeah, I noticed tha' about Eva's... [He scratches his head, Kaseri glancing back.] An' I get what yer sayin' too- in my actual home, no way could normal animals do...this.

I say pokemon were Alola's animals, but it feels more like I was livin' around a bunch 'f spirits an' th' like, y'know? I mean...some can talk! An' not even b'cause they're psychic or anythin', Meowth's species is basically jus' 'normal cat'!

...an' all that aside, some ain't ev'n animals. There's like....Rocks. Plants...like I said, felt more like bein' surrounded by youkai.

....So I figure...they're smarter than tha'. Hell, maybe even smarter than 'Conan', in some ways..! [he laughs, before frowning.] ....Jus' gotta figure out which one works best...

[Softly,] They still can get hurt, Jou-san. And do we know they have the same attachment we do to the train?

[A small shake of the head.] I'm not trying to say it's a horrible idea. After all, I've worried about him since I came here. And as I said before, it's ultimately not my decision. Just. I know he'll think about it. Hesitate because of it.

[Blue eyes flick back up to him.] How do you make peace with it?

[Without pause-]

...By trustin' 'm.

...Kaseri woke up on th' platform w'th me. An' when it comes t' others, I've been makin' sure they can handle goin' off platform first. An' if an emergency hits...

[He gives a short whistle, holding out a ball. In an emergency he wouldn't bother with that, but it's rude to the ponyta otherwise.

In an instant, and a bit of red light, she's in.]

....Can't hurt her now. More durable than most too- not tha' I want her hurt but like I said.

I've been thinkin' properly abou' th's.

[Aaaaahhh that said... Letting Kaseri out as he continues, he sighs.] ...c..course...'s still hard t' gift someone helpful t' a guy who thinks they don' need help, so I gotta really make sure it's somethin he'd like...

Jou-san.

[Because it doesn't feel like he's really hearing what she's saying, and that's a little frustrating; he's already off on the same pattern of thought about what to get. He's apparently serious about potentially getting one of these for Shinichi, and though her concerns matter less, some of her reservations will be echoed by Shinichi. If he ever wants Shinichi to actually use his gift, he needs to have an answer.]

Shinichi and I are alike that way . . . we don't want anyone -- or anything -- innocent to get hurt. He's not going to make something fight for him if it could get hurt or killed.

"Durable" doesn't matter. Trusting them won't matter either -- though that will be hard to get him to do too. Making something be in danger, putting it at risk of being killed for his benefit matters the most.

...I don' think you're gettin' what I mean here.

I said I trust 'm- an' tha' means more than' jus' figurin' she'll act one way or another. I ain't makin' anyone fight, if they don't wanna fight, [he says seriously, tone now reflecting that entirely.] Because they'll tell you when they don't wanna.

If yer more familiar with Eva's 'pokemon' I get it- hell, whatever Princess is, looks more like a chinchilla than anythin' I ever saw in Alola.

But they ain't jus' animals in Alola. Hell, th' only reason I use these? Is b'cause they're real damn effective at gettin' 'm outta th' way of somethin' if I can't tackle 'm th' way I would a person from tha' distance.

...But until then, I didn' use these. When I firs' fell int' tha' world, Kaseri here found me in th' woods, an' started knockin' stuff out left righ' an' center while I tried t' get outta th' place. Followed me right out, an' followed righ' int' th' plane f'r that matter.

[He frowns, and one could swear the ponyta is giving a cheeky grin.] ...Still wonderin' how she pulled tha' one off.

NhHIHIiiiII~

[Anyway.] Tha' ain't th' point though! Th' point is, I wasn' even lookin with' 'off train' as a priority! We're talkin' abou' what he needs, ain't we? Pokemon ain't about t' leave th' train if it doesn' wanna- and lemme tell yah, if it wants t', yer gonna wanna get outta th' way instead 'f stoppin' 'm.

Trus' me, some of th' stuff Kaseri here flung off was at leas' a few feet over me, an' twice 's wide!

[The pony continues to grin, and seems to even be chuckling somehow.]

I ain't trustin' 'm like animals.

I'm trustin' 'm like peole.

[It's still not perfect, admittedly . . . but Ran also has to acknowledge the idea that it won't -- maybe never will -- be. It eases her mind a little, though, listening to him at least talk about free will, and the gravity and focus of it helps.]

[Quietly, running her fingers over Kaseri's withers,] Thank you. I didn't get what you meant. I . . . have to be honest in that I don't think it fixes everything. I'm not sure it will for Shinichi either. But it helps to think about it more that way.

Maybe it was Eva-san I was talking to about battling . . . I'm sorry; I can't remember.

He does need protection. He's . . . not quite like he should be. But. I think that does have to be secondary if you want to give him one. He's probably not going to be excited about it as it is; telling him it's for protection probably wouldn't go well at all . . . even if having some of those abilities still might be good.

It might help if there's some similarity to an animal he likes from home, if that's a possibility?

[A small mental sweatdrop.]

. . . And nothing that looks like Princess.

Ex'actly! Don' worry abou' not gettin' everythin' though, I spent a good few months on Alola- kinda got an advantage here, [he laughs.]

Anyway, like y' said, he's th' sort that'll jus' buckle down even more 'f we r'mind 'm he can't reach th' top shelf, so best t' focus more on th' nightmares deal. At leas' tha' one, I can say 'hey, th's helps me too, wise guy! I wanna sleep too!', [he 'quotes, frowning for added effect until the end. Then, he's back to being all smiles.]

Heheheee, 'n any case, I c'n guarantee nothin'll look like Princess! Pretty near everything in Alola looked like it belonged in a cartoon- ev'n th' big, dragony sorts.

...Course I can't get one 'f those in th' train no matter what so...

[Hm. Well.] Mnh? What kinda animals does he like?

[It would make Ran feel quite a bit more at ease if he could sleep as well. After all, that started all of this . . . her urgency about finally getting him to rest caused her to raid Shiho's stash of medicines. She can see it wearing on him daily, and he keeps pushing off the idea that the lack of sleep ultimately has a cost he can't afford to keep paying.]

Something that could help with the nightmares would be the most important.

[Her head tilts a little, thinking.] He really does like cats. It's not something he shows openly, but. He goes soft around them. Dogs, too -- they're used in detective work, and I think they're in Sherlock Holmes.

[Cue large mental sweatdrop, remembering suddenly:] And sharks. He says detectives are like sharks.

. . . I'm not sure I like the idea of something like that, though. With . . . the teeth.

[Maybe it's not for her, but a small shark running around with big teeth at ankle level is not appealing. It goes a little too far towards the edge of "monster" for her.]

Cats, dogs...Righ', those are definitely around. Uh...

...nyhhh...sharks huh...

[There's not a lot coming to mind but...] ...yeesh, tha's his idea of a detective..? Well, there's Gible, but he'd prob'bly end up tryin' t' keep th' thing from bitin' through th' train in tha' case an' I'm pretty sure it can't eat nightmares f'r tha' matter.

Oh! ...Mentionin' it though, I guess we ain't limited t' jus' animals either. I mean...loads 'f pokemon are plants or ev'n 'objects', if anythin'. Heck, there's dragons! ...Maybe I should jus' skim th' pokedex f'r anythin' with a cool head at this point...stuff tha' has their sense about 'm...

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And all my walls began to shake

fdhjkgvd lISTEN IM EXCITED

XDD

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