"He wasn't brought back, Jiang Cheng, he's never lived through any of that—wait, when, what..." Wei Wuxian pauses, lifting his free hand up to rub at his temple. "What most recently happened for you, did you already say?"
It's a matter of distraction to not be recalling right now, but he can't help it. All his own discomfort over this, and he'd spare Jiang Cheng from it, just like he wants to spare him so much. What favours has it done?
"Then don't take my word. Talk to Zewu-Jun. Take his, if you can't believe mine." A cracked smile, with eyes that don't smile in the slightest. He doesn't think Jiang Cheng means it, but he also thinks Jiang Cheng needs to hear about these things from someone not him, or not just him. "I know it's too much to bear, Jiang Cheng, but I'm trying not to..."
He gestures with his free hand, as it to encompass something unseen, fingers flexing and spreading, then curling back into his palm. "... Trying not to decide what you can handle for you." It's a quieter statement, and he can't actually look at Jiang Cheng when he says it. He's had time to his thoughts and his donkey alone on those roads he's wandered. There's no perfect way to protect those he loves; he's seen the costs, has witnessed his own failings, and he's still too new to being actively alive to know what to do with it. Run through events no one explained, herded and saved by a man who didn't tell him a word beyond what he had to, attacked again by the world they all grew up in and then exonerated in the bloodthirst that descended disguised in righteousness after Jin Guangyao. Before confirmation, before personal confessions.
The ground beneath his feet is only now starting to feel like it can be solid without depending on Lan Zhan, the one who had, against everything, chosen the narrow path of believing Wei Wuxian over everything else in the world. Who he tried to free of the burden of himself, again, because what is learning? Isn't it easier to walk away? He freely grants that blessing, again and again.
So he lets go of Jiang Cheng's arm, letting his hand fall away, empty, to his side.
"You can trust Zewu-Jun." More than either one of them might trust themselves.
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It's a matter of distraction to not be recalling right now, but he can't help it. All his own discomfort over this, and he'd spare Jiang Cheng from it, just like he wants to spare him so much. What favours has it done?
"Then don't take my word. Talk to Zewu-Jun. Take his, if you can't believe mine." A cracked smile, with eyes that don't smile in the slightest. He doesn't think Jiang Cheng means it, but he also thinks Jiang Cheng needs to hear about these things from someone not him, or not just him. "I know it's too much to bear, Jiang Cheng, but I'm trying not to..."
He gestures with his free hand, as it to encompass something unseen, fingers flexing and spreading, then curling back into his palm. "... Trying not to decide what you can handle for you." It's a quieter statement, and he can't actually look at Jiang Cheng when he says it. He's had time to his thoughts and his donkey alone on those roads he's wandered. There's no perfect way to protect those he loves; he's seen the costs, has witnessed his own failings, and he's still too new to being actively alive to know what to do with it. Run through events no one explained, herded and saved by a man who didn't tell him a word beyond what he had to, attacked again by the world they all grew up in and then exonerated in the bloodthirst that descended disguised in righteousness after Jin Guangyao. Before confirmation, before personal confessions.
The ground beneath his feet is only now starting to feel like it can be solid without depending on Lan Zhan, the one who had, against everything, chosen the narrow path of believing Wei Wuxian over everything else in the world. Who he tried to free of the burden of himself, again, because what is learning? Isn't it easier to walk away? He freely grants that blessing, again and again.
So he lets go of Jiang Cheng's arm, letting his hand fall away, empty, to his side.
"You can trust Zewu-Jun." More than either one of them might trust themselves.