voidtreckerexpress | A New Platform [Intro Post April]

A New Platform [Intro Post April]

On the Train

Once again passengers are awoken by the morning announcement.

"Good morning passengers, it is day Sixteen of the month of Kazoo. Points have been updated on the system."

They have indeed, and everyone can spend the morning shopping. Those who have been on the train for a while will also be expecting the second announcement that comes after lunch. A lunch that may be a bit sparse: between the big eaters and the stress bakers, the stores have been stretched thin the last two weeks.

"Shortly arriving into a designated void platform. Exit from void in ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one." A lurch and a jolt and the windows fill with the fog that means they are at a platform. The steam is thin, with blue skies seen above. The sun shines brightly down, warm light pooling on the platform.

As usual the first to leave the train notice nothing as they walk silently, rucksacks on their backs, towards the barriers: Cassie Lang, Glorfindel, Jessie Custer, Olivia, Paddra Nsu-Yeul, S’reee, Thea Queen, Wei Wuxian.

But on the platform itself there are new faces. Wearing hoodies in all four colours, in various states of confusion.

For New Passengers

At first all they can see is steam, billowing around them as they come to their senses. As their eyes adjust, they will see they are on a platform, open, with a vine-covered wall stretching high either side of the barrier. In front of them is a single track extending both ways into thick fog.

They are standing, in clothes that are not their own and a style they might not even recognise. They are carrying a rucksack on their back. For a moment it seems to just be them, alone in the white haze; then the steam begins to fade and they realise they aren’t alone.

The platform is not large, and seems smaller with eighteen figures scattered around. All facing the tracks, all dressed in cargo trousers and hoodies. To both the left and right, tracks disappear into the mist.

A roaring sound, and out of the fog arrives a train. Jet black with gold writing on the side. The Voidtrecker Express. There is a hiss as the doors slide open and out step a strange assortment of people. Some are human, some are less so. Most are wearing the same hoodie in one of the four colours, red, orange, blue and purple, though some are sporting different clothes in a variety of styles. The doors close behind them.

The Train

After a short time, the doors hiss open again. Those from the train may encourage those on the platform to board. It’s not like there's anywhere else to go, and even if there was, you feel a pull. A need to board, a feeling that staying on the platform would lead to something terrible. If that is not enough, there are plenty of people on the platform now, to encourage them onto the train.

Each ICP shows the same message and next to the screens there are stacks of leaflets written by those on the train, with further information (see
'Publications'). The store rooms have been restocked with fresh ingredients, including plenty more tomatoes.

For passengers that have bought items, these are also scattered around the luggage carriage in various suitcases and bags. There is a suitcase stocked with spare wash kit items, for those who are running low as well as a box labelled Do Not Use Yet that is full of small bags.

New passengers will find their ticket allows them into their cabins. They may need to negotiate for beds, especially if they want a top bunk! Room is tight but there are storage cubbies at the head of each bed, beds fold up and the bottom bunks double as benches for the small table. There is storage under those benches full of spare blankets and pillows.

Departure

A second horn sounds to encourage any stragglers who are making the most of the sunshine. The doors slide shut. Veteran passengers know what will happen next, but they may wish to brief their new companions.

The train sets off, the fog obscuring the view again as it picks up speed.

"Welcome aboard, passengers of the Voidtrecker Express." A female-coded artificial sounding voice echoes throughout the train. "Please take the time to read the passenger information displayed on the Information and Communication points and familiarise yourself with the layout and emergency exits."

The train begins to tilt, leaving the ground and rising up into the fog-filled sky.

"Entrance into Voidspace imminent. New passengers are advised to remain seated. Entry into Voidspace in ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one."

A shudder, a jolt, a lurch to the left. A flash of light, colourful and blinding. As quick as it happens it is done. The train seems to steady itself. The fog from the windows is gone now, replaced with a kaleidoscope of ever-changing colours.

Welcome to the Void!

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His logic is sound. And usually she would have listened to it. As irrational as Alice can be at times, molded by having been in Wonderland for so long, she still can acknowledge solid logic when she sees it.

But a little bit less so while she's still panicked, her body still in absolute flight or fight mode. And since there's no way to physically fight a fire, it's very much leaning towards the former.

"I.. I can walk."

Her face is so very pale right now, even with how pale it usually is. Like she's a ghost, or about to pass out.

She's trying to think though. Walking, being carried, which would be worse right now? She can't let people see her like this, let alone being carried further on top of it. She'll look so weak. Everyone will know.

"Sorry."

He sets her down gently, but then immediately offers her his arm if she's so inclined (and/or still needs the support). "You have nothing to apologize for," he reassures her with grave sincerity. "Let's get you along to the spa car, hm?"

"No, I.."

She pauses, looking at him. But then Alice apparently does decide to take the arm that's being offered to her here, even though it's very gingerly. At this point she's already been seen in such a pathetic state, it's not like it could hurt to be seen actually accepting physical contact from someone, right?

Besides, Alice isn't sure if she would ever be able to make it on her own. Not with these unsteady legs of hers.

"I shouldn't-- be afraid. Not still, even now."

She'll find his arm sturdy as an oak tree, and he matches his stride to hers as he starts for the far end of the car.

"'Should' is a bullshit word when it comes to feelings," he tells her frankly. "You feel how you feel." And then, more gently, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Want is a big word there.

Even though she knows he means it. Devero doesn't seem like the type of person who would force that information out of her. But it's true that he has told her some things about himself, some things that still bother him deep inside.

Maybe it's only fair for her to tell him something in return. Especially now he's seen this.

"My family died when I was still a very young child." She tries to resist the urge to cling to the arm even tighter, but even just judging by her tone, it's not easy or painless for her to talk about this.

But she wants to, so she continues. "Someone set fire to our home. I only barely managed to escape out of the window, even though I ended up badly burnt, but.. the rest of my family died in that fire."

She doesn't have to be clutching his arm; Devero's empathetic enough to be able to hear how difficult it is for her to tell him this.

"Oh, Alice." Devero's voice is low and full of sympathetic pain. He has to fight the urge to sweep her into a hug; knowing that she wouldn't welcome the gesture, he manages. He does lay his other hand over hers where it rests on his arm, though, and almost bends toward her as if he's trying to keep her confession caught physically between the two of them.

"That's horrendous," he continues. He lets himself squeeze her hand. "No wonder the fire up front triggered you."

"I heard them," she confesses.

Maybe it's since his reaction is so sympathetic, so unlike anything she's ever heard back home when she talked about what happened, even when she was younger. When she was told to just get over it, to leave the past in the past, to be stronger than this.

Maybe now she can actually say this much out loud. Even if it's very, very quietly. It's only barely audible even to Devero.

"Just now, when I spotted the fire. I.. I could hear my family calling for me. Begging me to save them."

"Oh, Alice," he says again, his heart breaking for her. "Rust and ruin, how awful." He squeezes her hand again, once again wrangling down the urge to offer her more physical comfort.

"And you've never had any chance to process through what happened in a healthy way, have you?" It's mostly a rhetorical question-- he knows enough about the world she's come from to know that no one offered her any grief counseling or post-traumatic debriefing therapy. He looks away, eyes closing. "Did you get any help at all? From anyone?"

Edited (html.....) 2021-06-12 20:55 (UTC)

Honestly, the first question is a lot harder for her to answer than the latter, since Alice has absolutely no idea what a healthy way to deal with it would entail. Does it count when you go on a journey into your own mind to quite literally kill monsters there? Is that healthy? Who knows.

But the second question is a lot easier to tackle, since it's more straightforward. And when she's already confessing this much to him, it doesn't feel too hard to keep being honest, even if it leaves her vulnerable around him.

"People claimed to help me, but they were only helping themselves," she says. "Once I got out of the asylum, they sent me to a psychiatrist, but I later found out he was only trying to brainwash me for his own purposes."

Now he's starting to get angry, and she can probably feel the tension of the muscles in the arm she's holding. "You deserved better than that," he says, his anger on her behalf tightly leashed in his voice. "You were a-- a fucking child! You should have been taken care of, not used!"

".. It can't be helped."

It's only because he's holding back that she doesn't wince at the sudden anger, really. It's still bearable like this, especially when she knows that the feeling is on her part - it's for her sake. No matter how odd the idea of anyone getting mad for her sake is, honestly.

"It is in the past now." After all, no one on this train has tried to harm her. Everyone here has been oddly nice, if nothing else. "I made sure he couldn't hurt anyone else in such a way again, but.. it does not erase what happened to me."

Hearing her be so rational about it helps him keep control of himself. He takes a deep, deep breath and holds it for a moment before releasing it so. "You're right," he says. "What's happened is what's happened; all that any of us can do is move on from it."

He looks down at her, sidelong. "--But that doesn't mean what happened doesn't matter. You don't have to act like it never happened or that it's behind you now, just because it's in the past. We can't change the shape of the past, but that doesn't mean it doesn't shape who we are in the present."

If there wasn't already something resigned about her earlier words, then there sure is now, once she opens her mouth to speak.

".. I know." She knows so well, too well, that her experiences in the past have shaped who she is now. And not in a single good way, she thinks, though she tries to keep most of the self-depreciation to herself. Devero has already helped her enough through this dumb vulnerable moment.

"There was.. another me on the train before. A younger me. I didn't resemble that girl anymore in any way."

"Of course not," Devero says, as if that should go without saying. "How could you? You're not her, any more than I--" He pauses, then forces himself to continue on. "--than I resemble that World Guard sergeant from 10 years ago, the one who who hadn't ruined his career yet."

At least with what he's told her, she gets why he's saying that, rather than be confused by the reference. Even in her current state, she still remembers talking with him about that. How broken up he seemed to be about his decision.

Alice sucks in a deep breath, trying to calm down as she exhales again. It's like there's still a nervous energy pricking under her skin.

"Then what about you? Do you feel that you are better than that person from all that time ago?"

"...I don't know." He thinks about it for a moment as they continue to walk, frowning faintly. Finally, he continues, "Right now, I'm not. But I think maybe... maybe I will be? Once I've had to chance to... resolve some things."

There's another pause, but it's a pregnant one, and sure enough he continues again. "People who've been through trauma need to process what happened to them before they can heal and move on. But if we're not given a chance to go through that processing, it's going to keep us..." He gestures with his free hand, trying to grasp at a word or concept, settling finally on, "wounded."

He looks down at her, his eyes dark and hooded. "How can we be our best selves if we're walking around wounded?"

"But then.. how are you planning on resolving that?"

What chance do they get to process anything now, when they're stuck on a train hurdling itself through the void and constantly throwing them into stressful missions? Sure, at least Alice - and Devero too, she thinks - are away from the bad influences they had back home, but that's only a marginal improvement.

It sounds like he might have a bit more of an idea than her though, since he is talking about resolving some things.

And Alice trusts him enough to be willing to listen to him on this.

"Step one has been identifying the rot." He has to look up and away from her, his eyes fixing on the door at the end of the carriage. "When I first arrived here, I didn't know anything was wrong--"

He cuts himself off there, because even as he says the words he knows they're a lie. The skin across his shoulders prickles and he shifts them uncomfortably. "I had been in denial about anything being wrong," he corrects himself softly; the tension eases. "It's been-- months-- and I'm still figuring out all the ways she's fucked me up.

"Once I've figured out what needs to change, then I can start figuring out how I want to change it."

She, huh? She's gotten tidbits here and there from Devero, enough to determine that he really had been through some stuff, but here he seems to be talking about a single person. She wonders if it's the same person he mentioned way back during the tea party..

.. but it's probably best to not ask. Especially when Alice herself isn't at her best either, and she shouldn't risk any emotionally complicated situations right now.

"I think that part is much harder," she says, softly. "Figuring out how to change it."

After all, Alice already identified what needed to change a long time ago. Maybe she's ahead of him there, never having denied her trauma - if not just because the trauma slapped her in the face to a point where she couldn't ignore it. But it also means that she might have to find out the answer as to how to change it all by herself.

"It is," he says with a nod. "But you can't figure out how to change it until you know what it is. Like I said, that part's just step one.

"Step two is figuring out what your end goal is. What do you actually want to change? Step one is point A, but without a point B to shoot for, how are you supposed to plot your line, right?"

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A New Platform [Intro Post April]

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