those who practice the Insight that Brings Us to the Other Shore see no more obstacles in their mind

[its_dad_sanzo]

Who: Devero, Koumyou Sanzo
Where: a locked room in the Quiet Car
When: Kazoo 26
What: Koumyou has been teaching Devero meditation to build his focus for a while now, preparing to teach him how to use his chi. This is one of those lessons, and they finally push a little further than just regular meditation.
Warnings: I can't see it needing any! But I will add them in here if something comes up.

This lesson has thus far gone the same as their previous lessons. Sitting in front of each other on the floor in a locked Quiet Car room, Koumyou holding Devero's hands, his voice quiet and rhythmic as he talks Devero through a series of meditation exercises.

In full lotus, if Devero was able to manage it, or partial lotus if not. Back ramrod straight.

"...Now," Koumyou's just finished one of the exercises, and continues in the same quiet voice, "gently hold onto the quiet, the stillness of your mind. Picture holding it in your cupped hands, like a glass bauble. Not too tightly, not too loosely."

Koumyou gives him a moment to try to envision that fully, and then, "And now, continue to hold it, and open your eyes. Observe the world without letting it change what you're holding. For as long as you can. If you have to shut them again, and return to the exercise, that's fine."

Now that he has the focus established, he has to start being able to maintain it outside of a full meditation.

Comments

[subcircuits]

Eyes closed, breathing metered and even, Devero envisions a glass bauble in his hands. He imagines as many of the little sensory details as he can: the smooth cool curve of glass, the fragility implied by how light it is-- a fragility he's only come to appreciate since coming to the train, given how much of the glass in his world is actually high-tech reinforced polymer. He's broken several bottles and cups through careless handling--

Damn it.

Eyes still shut, he breathes deep, down into his stomach, falling back on the flow of the air and following that back to mental stillness. He tries again, fingers flexing a little as he rebuilds the bauble of focus in his mind's eye.

Then, he opens his body's eyes-- and makes the mistake of looking directly into Koumyou's, immediately getting distracted.

This time he says it out loud, if quietly. "Damn it."

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou still has hold of Dev's hands, and actually moves them to cup the air. Upright, like praying, fingers bent around the bauble that isn't there. Maybe doing it physically will help?

"It'll take several tries," Koumyou lets him know gently, letting his own hands fall away, "it's fine. Try to stay calm. Go back to the breathing exercises if you need to, we're in no rush."

[subcircuits]

"Copy that," Devero murmurs quietly. He closes his eyes-- again-- and focuses on his breathing-- again--

Getting frustrated isn't going to make this any easier.

Breathe. In and out, the air flowing through his body, following its vital pathway. Focus on it. Extend that focus out, letting his mind fill with the sensation of the floor underneath him, the clothes on his body, the movement of his lungs and his heart and his blood until there's no room in his head for frustration.

He sits in that space for several minutes, until he can maintain it. Only then does he curl his hands closer together, forming a solid cup out of his hands.

Visualize. The stillness of his mind pools in his fingers, not a glass bauble but water to be contained. The pressure of his hands, enough to cup real water, keeps him grounded as he opens his eyes again--

Looking at his hands, this time. Not making the boyfriend mistake again.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou couldn't be more pleased by Devero's progress, here.

"Good," he keeps his voice as gentle and quiet as it's always been for these sessions, though. No need to complicate it, yet. "Stay 'out' for as long as you can maintain it. If it starts to slip, just dip back in again."

[subcircuits]

It certainly hasn't been easy for him. When they'd started this, Devero had thought his knowledge of anti-anxienty breathing exercises and yoga meant it would be easy for him to get the hang of meditating.

He'd thought wrong. His mind has proven very difficult to quiet without pharmacological help and it's taken him a lot of work and practice with Koumyou to even get this far. Not only has it been an exercise in learning to clear his mind and focus, it's also been an exercise in managing his frustrations and expectations.

He keeps his eyes fixed on the space between his hands. He concentrates on the way his skin feels where his hands overlap, on maintaining the pressure necessary to keep his tranquility from leaking away. His gaze is intent, his whole mein almost severe in its seriousness...

He hasn't noticed how the increasing tension in his arms and shoulders as he presses his hands together, nor the way he's started to stoop forward over his lap.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Well, that sure is some focus!

But it's not quite the right kind, is it? This tense determination to maintain tranquility. So it has Koumyou reaching out to take his hands again, with a gentle, "You can't force it, Devero. Let's re-center."

Well, he could force it along somewhat, but not at this stage. Not when Koumyou's just trying to get him to establish baseline focus so that he'll know what to aim for when they move on to chanting instead of traditional meditation. And eventually, chanting while moving.

Maybe eventually, chanting without having to do it out loud.

"Back to breathing, eyes closed. In through the nose, hold it... out through the mouth... back straight, shoulders loose. In through the nose..."

He'll guide Devero like this for as long as it takes to relax him again, still gently holding his hands. And then, only once he judges that Devero's back to a calmer state, he offers, "Do you want to keep trying, or shall we call it for the day?"

[subcircuits]

It goes without saying that Devero hadn't even been aware of how he was forcing it, and he startles a little when Koumyou's hands wrap around his. He looks up at priest, wide-eyed-- and then laughs softly at himself.

"Right," he says, taking the gentle correction well, as is usual for him. "Re-center, okay."

He closes his eyes and lets Koumyou lead him back to that quiet, still place inside of him, the place he'd never even known was there until Koumyou had unlocked it for him. He's breathing easily, loose and still when Koumyou speaks next.

"One more time," he murmurs, quiet and even, eyes still closed.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Noticing in the last attempt how hard Devero had grabbed onto the physicality of his own hands, Koumyou actually re-positions first one and then the other into a basic mudra. "There, try it like this. Hold the stillness inside your chest, this time."

[subcircuits]

"Hold the stillness inside my chest," Devero repeats, calm and even. "Okay."

He sits for a moment or two more, making sure he'll be able to be physically still-- to keep his hands where Koumyou put them-- before getting back to metaphorical stillness. He visualizes himself, sitting so precisely on the floor, envisions each exhale as carrying away a piece of his banked frustration and agitation until he's empty inside. He focuses on how that feels, in his body and in his mind, and only then does he open his eyes again.

This time he looks up, over his teacher's head, staring at and through the unadorned emptiness of the wall of the cabin. Nothing to see there. So far, so good.

[its_dad_sanzo]

And Koumyou continues to be very pleased with his progress. Look at him! Even if it doesn't last for long, he's already managing this much!

"There you go," as before, Koumyou keeps the energy in his voice peaceful and serene, lest he pop the bubble. "When you start to feel it slip, just shut your eyes and re-center. It's okay."

[subcircuits]

Inhale, exhale-- inhale, exhale-- Devero continues to imagine every cycle of his breath as carrying away distraction, a wind literally catching up creeping invasive thoughts and whisking them out of his mind and body. For several long moments he manages to maintain it-- but then the voidlight flickering through the window pulses with particularly strength and he glances over automatically to see what it could be--

Damn.

He closes his eyes and turns forward again with a sigh.

[its_dad_sanzo]

And Koumyou doesn't miss a beat, guiding him back through the exercise.

And then, once everything's calm and quiet again, he reaches out and takes Devero's hands, and gives them a gentle squeeze.

"That was really, really good, Dev!"

[subcircuits]

Devero shakes it off like a hound climbing out of water, raking his hair back from his face and smiling uncertainly at Koumyou. "You think?" he asks shyly.

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou's moved both his hands to one of Dev's, and gives it another squeeze, beaming, "Absolutely! You're progressing way faster than I did!"

As a toddler, but still. If anything, starting older makes it even more impressive! Adult minds are a lot less pliable, like when learning a new language.

[subcircuits]

Dev uses the other hand to scratch at the back of his neck, looking away shy and pleased. "Thank you," he says. He chuckles ruefully. "I'm not sure I believe that part, but it's kind of you to say."

[its_dad_sanzo]

"I really mean it, though!"

Koumyou goes up onto his knees so he can lean in and smooch Devero on the cheek, for good measure.

[subcircuits]

Well with a smooch like that, what choice does he have but to believe it? "Thank you, my dear," he says again.

The smooch makes him beam, but he becomes more serious as Koumyou sits back again after. "This shit is not easy," he sighs.

[its_dad_sanzo]

"Of course not," Koumyou laughs softly, "did you expect it to be?"

He goes ahead and climbs up to his feet, offering his hands down to Devero.

"But right now, we're building the foundation for everything that comes after. You'll see."

[subcircuits]

Devero takes his hands and lets himself be helped up. "Not after our first lesson I sure didn't," he says wryly. His first attempt to meditate with Koumyou Sanzo's guidance had been illuminating, to say the least.

"I know," he continues. "I know it'll be worth it. I just have to remind myself sometimes why we're doing this."

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou goes up onto his toes to plant another little cheek-kiss on Devero, squeezing his hands.

"Learning to use your implant couldn't have been easy, either... I rather imagine it to be similar. Only, instead of interfacing with something outside of your body, your hardware self, you're having to learn how to interface with what's inside."

This is accompanied by Koumyou lifting a hand -- still holding Dev's, and poking him lightly in the chest with a finger.

[subcircuits]

That's a connection he hadn't drawn, and he blinks as he considers it. "You know, there is always a learning curve when you network a new piece of tech into your system, implants included. I guess it's been so long since I was a neotek I don't even remember how it was."

He's poked! Leaning in, he nuzzles his nose against Koumyou's. He's only somewhat teasing as he says, "You're so wise, Sanzo-sama."

[its_dad_sanzo]

"I have my moments," Koumyou admits cheerfully, returning the gesture while Dev's nice and close. "My big handsome neomage."

[subcircuits]

"Koumyou!" Devero protests. He can't decide whether he wants to push the priest away or hide his face against him, tries to do both at the same time, and just ends up klonking heads with the other man. What can he do but laugh as his brain and body get on the same page and he backs up. "Sorry!"

[its_dad_sanzo]

"Hey! What was that for?!" Koumyou rubs his bonked forehead with one bony hand, laughing with him, "Maaaah... did I fluster you, I wonder?"

He totally did.

And he knows it.

[subcircuits]

And Devero knows he knows it, which is why his only response is a forced-serene, "Look into your heart and you will find the answer to that question."

Then he puts his palms to his cheeks, feeling the heat there. "--But you can look at my face if you need a hint."

[its_dad_sanzo]

Koumyou reaches up his hands to cover Devero's, and squishes him with them.

"You're too precious, Dev-chan!"

[subcircuits]

Devero laughs, delighted. "You bring it out in me, I can't help it!" he says, mock accusatory.