voidtreckerexpress | relations [closed]

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relations [closed]

Who: Seto, Xander, and Siebren
Where: Quiet car booth
When: Llama 16
What: Having accidentally made a discovery about the nature of their relationship, a trio works things out.
Warnings: physical and mental abuse, long-term trauma, war...basically it's a doozy folks

Seto is feeling a strange rush of emotion as he makes his way to the agreed meeting place. What had hung between them as a backdrop has now been spoken aloud and confirmed. He'd already known Xander was his loving, somewhat overbearing, but nevertheless appreciated brother. But he'd voiced that terrifying realization to Siebren and it had been...accepted.

This, of course, meant it was time to be honest with each other. Seto had already told them the bits of his story he couldn't hide back when they first met, but...there was more, wasn't there?

He awaits Siebren and Xander, standing in the middle of a quiet car with a neutral stance and slight smile. He's laid out a small pile of drinks and snacks on the front end of one bench...surely they won't be missed at the party.

"Hey," is how he greets them, a hint of a smile on his face. They're here for a serious reason, maybe several...but even he has to admit it feels good to not be so uncertain about what they are anymore.

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Seto takes in a breath as he watches Xander, curious about what his brother perceives. There's clearly something going on, and a part of him aches to hop over and join the comfort pile. But not yet, that's too much too soon.

He instead looks across the car and locks eyes with Siebren.

"I think we can take it. You've faced our darkness and supported us. Let us return the favor."

He speaks with sincere conviction. "No matter what it is, it won't scare me away.."

"Burden?" Xander repeats that word, more out of surprise than anything. A burden? It's always a shock to him when someone insists they're a burden. Alex. Seto. There have been others, and now Siebren joins them.

He has to protest. "You are not a burden! Confused and scared, maybe, but we all are at some point! I was before I entered this room, but you guys--my family--supported me, and I'll be damned if I don't do the same!"

Xander moves out of his seat, to kneel on the floor before Siebren and gaze up at his face. "Dad. Dad. Seto and I are here for you. We're not going to leave you alone. No matter what. I--I killed a demon for Camael, once. If I have to do the same for you--I-I'll do it."

That, too, is scratching the barest surface, but if they want actual details, he'll share them. They're family. They deserve nothing less.

Once again, Seto says something for which he feels he can formulate an adequate response, and then Xander upends him completely. He can handle the protests, and the support - they are helping, actually, as the fear ebbs enough for him to begin to get a handle on it-

And then Xander takes a knee in front of him and the melody swells to a crescendo, screams in his mind as something shifts and he does not know why-

But he does. He has seen people on their knees before him - no, before Sigma. Demanding to know what he was- calling him a monster- begging for their lives- none of it ever made a difference- there was a mission to be accomplished and they needed to be dealt with-

He takes a shuddering breath as reality falls back into place around him. This is not the same - there is no mission and Sigma is not here - but he cannot do this-

"Xander, please." He reaches down to pull Xander back to his feet, and if his voice and his grip are unsteady, he is attempting to ignore it. "I- It is nothing like that. I am not in that sort of danger."

Besides, an awful little voice in the back of his mind reminds him, dripping poison with every word, he has no need of others' violence when Sigma is fully capable of enacting his own.

Seto once again feels very, very lost. Why is Siebren pulling Xander up? It's clearly more than worrying about his knees getting stiff. But he doesn't feel as Xander does, he can only rely on what he sees...and Siebren's body language is familiar. He's suppressing something, but what?

He closes his eyes and tries to remember what he knows. Siebren has incredible power, and becomes a terrifyingly competent warrior when a situation calls for it. Being 'old' is an amusing distraction from whatever else in his life was on his mind. His fear is not related to an enemy being after him. If the danger isn't from someone else, then is it...

"Then what danger is it? Are you afraid that whatever it is will hurt us somehow? Because...I know you won't. Do you remember how many times I've placed my life in your hands? You've always pulled through."

He steps in to help Xander up, then tugs so the two boys are seated on either side of their father. "You don't have to say anything. Just...sit with us for a few minutes?"

And he'll lapse into silence at his side, offering a grounding presence.

Yes. He's felt that before--only faintly with Siebren, but another friend from Artepus has done this sort of thing before...

Why does Xander only think about Rekah now? (Because there wasn't need before. Because she was never really dangerous. But Siebren isn't dangerous, his mind protests...)

He allows himself to be dragged up, by Siebren. By Seto. He's quiet for a long, long moment, before he wraps his arms around the older man and just gives him a hug. Without a hint of hesitation.

"I don't know who or what hurt you," he says, quietly. "But I don't think you'd hurt us. I've trusted you, too." Xander's armed Siebren in the past, for heaven's sake.

Xander doesn't say anything else, but he's markedly reluctant to release Siebren from his hug, too.

They trust him.

They do not know - they have seen pieces, but they do not know - and still they trust him.

It takes a few moments for the realization to sink in - to feel Seto at his side and Xander's arms around him - and to understand that this may be the lifeline he needs.

Something shifts, again, but this time, he thinks, for the better. He wraps one arm around Xander - careful not to crush his wings - and the other around Seto, holding them close and simply breathing.

His boys. His family.

It takes him some time to settle; for once, he allows himself the time, instead of attempting to simply cover his weaknesses up and move on. His breath hitches a bit, but finally evens out, and he can think again. He is still afraid - he does not know if that fear will ever truly leave him - but there is a warmth that had not been there before, a reassurance that perhaps things will not go as badly as he fears. The very idea of telling someone what exactly has happened to him no longer makes him want to escape, to sink through the walls and disappear.

And if anyone deserves to know, it is these two.

He sighs and lets them both go, resting his hands in his lap, allowing himself the time to gather himself and find words. It is another few seconds of silence before he manages to speak. "There was...an accident."

It is so very, very little, but it is a start. He can work with that.

"I...I mentioned my work. My experiments aboard the International Space Station." He pauses, swallows, soldiers on. "They were an unmitigated disaster." A hell of a way to start the story, but nonetheless true. "I still do not know how or why, but the containment field failed, and the resulting instability generated a black hole not two meters in front of me. It was a small one, but it was enough." His voice wavers on the last word, and he has to pause to gather himself again.

"I...do not remember much of what came next. It is...unfocused- scrambled- and I do not like to think about it. One of my current colleagues ran tests - according to her, the black hole essentially took me apart and reassembled me. It gave me my power over gravity, and it...adjusted my mind." It's a very mild description of events, to say the least. "I can hear- the music of creation- the melody of the cosmos-" It swells in his mind as he describes, louder and louder, pushing against his thoughts- "It sings to me- the answers are there, if only I could- if I could understand-"

As it so often does, the melody pushes into his mind, weaving through his thoughts, quickly subsuming them until he is gone, floating in an abyss of mathematics and music-

Until, as it so often does, the melody subsides, leaving a cold reality in its wake and the knowledge that Siebren has once again lost the thread of conversation. How long has he been gone? He does not know, but- but they are still here, and he is partway through an explanation.

"I...become lost in it, sometimes," he finishes weakly, as though they have not just witnessed it happen.

Is this the right approach? Seto has a moment to think here, and when he feels Siebren reel him in, he reaches up to fit an arm around his broad back. This moment of peace and togetherness is needed, a foundation of support for what's to come next. No matter what, he'll be here.

Soon enough, it's time for the truth. Seto shifts to give Siebren some space, though he remains closeby. He listens, tries to anticipate where things are going...

...so it was his powers. They weren't a chosen gift, but a byproduct of a terrible accident that left a permanent mark on the man. Seto couldn't imagine what it was like, but if the melody could swell up to consume his thoughts at any moment? That has to be terrifying. It must be so difficult to trust yourself when you can't trust your mind.

At last, he understands...some of it, anyway. So he reaches out and lays a smaller hand over Siebren's.

"Then we'll just have to help you find your way back."

A black hole. A black hole? Xander, being closer to a Scientist (a technomagician, if one wants to be proper; a mad scientist, to some), has more of a grasp on just what kind of event that was. No pun intended.

There, but for the grace of whatever gods exist, goes Drake, his foster father back on Artepus. And the fact that it happened to Siebren? That breaks Xander's heart, but not his resolve. Never that, at least.

"Adjusted," he says, sort of laughing wryly at that. "That's a word..."

Xander's not a telepath. He can touch Siebren and feel his father's emotions--and the strange, distorted distance that his dissociation brings. The yearning, the ache that accompanies the melody that only Siebren can hear. It makes a startled sob catch in his throat. He doesn't particularly lose track of time like Siebren is forced to (or cannot possibly help), but that and the thoughts of what he must have endured afterward sends tears coursing down the empath's cheeks, and while Seto, always more reserved, covers one of Siebren's hands with his own, Xander can't help but hug the older man.

"Yeah, Seto's right," he says, drawing back and sniffling, rubbing an arm across his face. "We're not just here for the happy shit, we're here for the entire ride." A bit crass, maybe, but it's heartfelt.

This is, Siebren thinks, the first time that he has returned from the melody and been welcomed. Normally he is greeted with confusion, or a snide remark, or simply ignoring the problem; this is the first time he has returned to find unconditional support.

He turns his hand over, taking Seto's hand in his, and wraps his other arm around Xander again. "Thank you," he says quietly, shaky but genuine. "Though I must warn you...it gets worse from here." If they plan on sticking it through to the end with him, he can at least give them - and himself - time to gather themselves.

Worse? How much worse can it get? Seto tries to imagine...it was a war, wasn't it? Siebren's a well-practiced combatant, but sometimes when it gets serious...another persona seems to take over. The closest comparison he has is the early days when Atem possessed an unknowing Yugi, but he doubts it's as simple as Sigma being a wandering spirit from an artifact.

"We're staying," he confirms, squeezing Siebren's hand. "It's not your fault."

Xander's thoughts echo Seto's. How much worse can it be? Except didn't someone mention something called the Omnic Crisis? But Orisa was an Omnic, and she was all right...

It's more than a little confusing to Xander, but he can definitely latch on and agree to one thing his brother says. "Yeah. You said it was an accident. That means you didn't mean for it to happen!"

He's still upset that Siebren had it happen, but the past is the past, and can't be changed. He wants to feel guilty that he couldn't do anything about it--but Xander knows better. If he'd been there, he would have, but it is what it is.

"Just take a deep breath. Do you need something to drink? We're here." It's pretty clear that Xander isn't the only one trying to gather up his thoughts.

Taking the time to breathe and to warn them helps. "I am alright, but thank you," he says in response to Xander's inquiries, nevermind that that could not be further from the truth. He takes another breath, attempting to center himself, and lets it out slowly.

"I do not remember how I returned to Earth - heavily sedated, I assume," he starts. "When I arrived...my world has no magic, no supernatural forces, and so powers like mine were unprecedented. There had been some progress in artificial gravitic manipulation - the Tobelstein reactor comes to mind - but nothing capable of matching what I am able to do. I was...unstable, unable to control my powers or think beyond the melody, and I do not think anyone knew how to handle it."

He is trembling again, despite his best efforts; surviving the accident was one thing, but his treatment afterwards is what most of his nightmares consist of. "I spent...a long time...locked up. They could not control me, and I was considered to be dangerous, so...I was relegated to a straitjacket and a padded room, begging for my freedom to people who would not listen. I do not know whether they reported me as dead or simply erased my presence from the world. Either way, I was...an oddity, to be kept under lock and key for observation, catalogued as Subject Sigma."

He takes a slow breath, still shaking, and lets it out. There is precious little calm to be had here, but he will take what he can. "I spent much of that time inside my own head, believing I would never be released." That he would spend the rest of whatever remained in his life in isolation, screaming and begging for his freedom until he died. "And then one day there were...alarms. Gunshots. The people who became my current colleagues found me and got me out. They gave me the time and the space to recover and find myself again."

It sounds like such a happy ending, and he knows now that it is not. "I have only just recently realized that they are not who I thought they were."

Seto's expression darkens a little as he listens---out of worry, not fear. His mind is conjuring images of what that's like. To have your mind torn apart, never to be put back together the same way...and then to be locked up, alone. Solitary confinement would make that experience far worse.

And then he went from that to a group of people who supposedly understood, only to...what? Be used as a weapon? People are largely scum, and will exploit any opportunity for power. He knows that in his bones. But in that situation, surely Siebren's feelings toward this group would be complicated...

Any apology he can think of sounds hollow. But as Xander has shown him...part of providing emotional support is through action. So he makes his way into the group hug, draping himself over them.

"You deserved better."

They could not control me. If that didn't ever sound familiar. And unpleasantly so. Didn't the Artificers do the same, basically, to him? And he was fully in charge of his faculties, such as they were.

What was done to Siebren was tantamount to torture, or worse. And while Xander can understand the gratitude that Siebren must have felt to be freed by this group--hadn't he felt thankful, when Drake told him he'd never have to worry about the Artificers ever again? (And even after that, there was a period where Xander didn't like being alone. Because what if Drake was wrong?)

He rests an arm around Siebren's shoulders--Xander can project calm, but he doesn't want to do too much. Surely his story is calling up all sorts of horrible memories, and the feelings are making him ache, but he's not going to shut them down.

"You did. And you didn't deserve to be used that way, either."

Though he does not yet know it, Seto's train of thought is exactly correct; he had not been rescued out of the kindness of anyone's heart, and it had taken him far too long to realize it. "And yet I am still being used, I think," he says quietly, wrapping an arm around Seto as he settles in. It's a terrible assessment, but so far as he can tell, an accurate one.

"My colleagues helped me recover and even gave me lab space and equipment - they encouraged me to return to my work, and I was happy to do so. I suppose it was a matter of time before they requested my skills in return." A viewpoint he can hold now, with the benefit of hindsight and a day's worth of clear thought, though it had taken him entirely by surprise at the time. "They required the use of my powers on missions. I was never given the parameters of the mission outside of my personal objective, and I was rebuffed when I inquired, but they were all...violent." His throat works for a moment, but he presses on. "I have never liked violence, and living through the Omnic Crisis only cemented that opinion, but...it was expected of me. They were angry, if I did not perform up to standard, and while they never threatened to return me to captivity, they also did not assure me they would not." The threat had hung heavily in the air, over Siebren's terror and guilt, leaving him only one way to survive.

"And so I created Sigma. He is...a mindset - another layer between me and the mission at hand. Every choice I make is still my own, but it is...easier, for Sigma to do what must be done during missions. Sigma is able to enact violence as needed, and I handle the consequences afterwards." The fact that his mask shares the name he had been assigned in captivity does not escape him, though he cannot think on the subject too hard before the melody subsumes him. "Seto is one of the few people here who has seen him in action." He had been active during the final fight on Nion, but no one had recognized the change in the chaos; Ken had also witnessed Sigma, but that version of Ken is long since departed.

"I was not able to consider the implications - of the missions, of what my colleagues were truly after, of why Sigma would be necessary - until just recently. That day that sent us all back in time did not send me far, but it placed me before my experiments but with my memories intact. Normally, I cannot think too deeply on more troubling subjects without being overtaken by the melody, but that day-" His voice wavers and he stops, remembering that day. Remembering the realization of just how much blood was on Sigma's - his - hands, at the behest of a group of people he does not truly know with motivations that are suspect at best. "Sigma- I have done terrible things," he manages, "for people whose motives I have been unable to question until just recently. I do not know who they are or what they truly want - only that they have been using me and I cannot say no."

Seto's worst suspicions are confirmed. His grip tightens as Siebren reveals his history, and at last Seto understands. So that's how Sigma was born. How such a gentle man with vibrant passions could be forced into becoming a weapon.

"...you won't get any judgment from me." I've done terrible things too, and I was entirely willing and of sound mind, Seto thinks, but this isn't about him. This is about helping Siebren. A man who's had very little control over his own destiny, through no fault of his own. Only to end up here. What a joke.

But after all of that... "You've chosen to protect us ever since. That's who you are. I doubt a stern lecture would work on your 'past associates', but...ugh. I'd love to."

"I'd love to, too." Certainly Xander had done worse, himself, without a thin veil of a second self to cover up or, perhaps more properly, put him at a remove from it. He'd always had the right reasons--saving his brother and Irina from the other Camael's wrath; there'd been other events as well.

"I don't hold a lot of stock in the Bible, but here I think 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone' is a good line to quote. That and...I think if you'd managed to come back to some semblance of sanity on your own, or helped to that point, I don't think you ever would have had a need for Sigma. You made him to help protect yourself. And I'm sure there's plenty of research on the mind that speaks to that sort of thing." Xander might not have seen the hard, cold facts about that for himself, but he'd grown up in a laboratory environment. As an experiment. He'd joke that he'd picked things up by osmosis, but now wasn't the time for that.

"It's the people who machinated you for their own devices that deserve the blame here. Not you."

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