voidtreckerexpress | Waking up (again) is hard to do.

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xion [crau]

Waking up (again) is hard to do. - Locked

Who: Xion, Lea, Vexen. Possibly Ken, Ansem, 'Nort later on.
Where: Medical
When: Day 20 of Llama
What: Xion wakes up after another coma.
Warnings: Angst. Lots of angst. Violence and death mentions. Did I mention Angst? Also KH drama.

Xion had blacked out. Again. Taiki had carried her back, but she wasn't aware of that. Hadn't been aware of anything else until now. She floated back to herself, in pain. It wasn't physical. But coming back was remembering. And she didn't want to. Because remembering meant accepting that she was alone now. Taiki probably survived, because otherwise she'd be a Dusk or worse now. But Axel, Roxas, everyone else... they were all gone.

And it was her fault.

She didn't want to wake up. The first indicator that she had was the tear that rolled down either side of her face. She struggled to fall back under again. She didn't want to be in a world, any world, where Axel and Roxas had been destroyed. Her hands closed into fists at her sides as more tears ran. It was just her and Taiki now. His master was gone. Everyone else was dead. And Xemnas was probably still around somewhere. Taiki must have gotten them away, somehow.

Which meant they still had to fight.

Her fingers flexed as she tried to summon her Keyblade. And... nothing happened.

She sat up quickly, panic filling her eyes as they snapped open, skin going paler than usual. "Not again." she whispered, bringing her empty hand forward and trying - again - to summon her Keyblade.

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Lea had been sitting next to Xion's bed, sketching his latest little doodle for her; happy chibi versions of herself and Roxas riding a giant ice cream bar down a hill like a sled. Concentrating on the drawing, he'd missed the tear and smaller movements, but her sitting upright suddenly sure got his attention.

"Whoa, hey!" He set his drawing aside and moved to gently grasp her shoulders, hoping to guide her to settle back on the mattress. "Easy there, sleepy head. You're safe. Everything's fine." Well, not everything. But everything immediately relating to Xion.

Edited 2021-06-08 05:46 (UTC)

Her eyes managed to go even wider when she saw him. "Axel!" she said and everything she didn't know were feelings, didn't know she felt, was in her voice. Shock. Relief that he was alive. Confusion. Love. Friendship. Gratefulness.

Confusion was strong in the mix, as usual.

"Axel!" she said again, more tears falling. "You're... but he said... how are... you and... what....?" too many words all tried to get out of her mouth at once and collided.

She thought he was dead. Him, and everyone else and... and it had hurt. But he was here and he wasn't dead. Was he? He wasn't right? Or had Xemnas lied about killing him and had just turned him back into a Nobody again? But the marks weren't on his face so he was still a Somebody, wasn't he? She wasn't sure. But either way he was here, he was okay. Everything else they could work with. But then... "Roxas...?"

Lea sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled her into a gentle hug, letting her rest against him whether or not she thought to hug back. "Hey... it's OK," he said, rubbing her back soothingly. "It's OK. Whatever you saw and heard out there? It wasn't real. It was illusions, just like the maze and that section of Twilight Town. Except that the last batch of them was designed to say and do whatever would hurt or scare us the most."

"Everyone from the train made it back alright, and all the people from that world are safe. Roxas still isn't on board, but he's back home waiting for us, just like he's been since he left. In the mean time, I'm fine and you will be too."

She started sobbing into his shoulder, leaned against him, her hands curling into fists as she processed through everything. "He said... he said that he'd killed everyone else, except that I... that I destroyed Roxas," she sniffled loudly. "Then... Then Taiki showed up and I tried to protect him but..." She closed her eyes tightly as more tears came back.

"Ju... just illusions?" she whispered, needing to be sure. To hear him say so. Even if it was another lie. Because he would only lie to protect her.

"Just illusions." Vexen's voice comes from nowhere, just a second before a dark corridor manifests at the door to the room. He steps out of it and immediately tosses a water bottle to land next to Lea. "Albeit highly personal ones. How are you feeling, child?"

Lea jumped slightly in surprise at the disembodied voice, but relaxed almost immediately. He ignored the water bottle for the moment to give Vexen a brief, annoyed look. "You gotta quit doing that," he said.

He quickly returned his attention to Xion though. "He's right though. Just illusions. As non-existent as Demyx's work ethic." He smiled a bit at his own last comment, hoping it would get Xion to smile too.

She pulled back to stare at Vexen a moment, because he was also - she thought - destroyed. She swallowed then looked to Axel again. "Like in Daitu? Just a fake? Xemnas isn't really here, then?" she asked, glancing at Vexen again. Axel would lie to protect her, but not about this. She didn't think. But maybe if he did, she'd be able to tell by watching his reaction? Maybe?

"Dark corridors remain the most efficient means of travel around the train."

His words were matter-of-fact, but a faint smirk hinted that he knew full well what he was doing. After all, it would be easy enough to exit the corridor outside the room and knock before entering.

The smirk fell, however, at Xion's question. She, of course, would not know anything about the other Xehanorts...let alone his behavior during his period of amnesia.

"That is...somewhat more complicated of a question than you would expect. The Nobody you know as Xemnas is not here, however..."

He glanced over at Lea, hoping the other man would have a better idea of how to explain the difference between Xemnas and a Xehanort who had no idea what a Nobody even was.

Yes it would, and Vexen was just asking for Lea to do something similar to him once he could safely use dark corridors again. But that was of little importance just then.

What was important was the matter of explaining Xehanort. Which was... easier said than done. Lea sighed. "You actually slept through the last platform," he informed her. "No Roxas, so you didn't miss anything there, but there was somebody else from back home: Xehanort. Not any of the versions that are part of the new Organization, but the version that was Lord Ansem's apprentice."

"Back where we came from, he eventually lost his heart to darkness and split into Xemnas and the heartless that calls himself Ansem, Seeker of Darkness. But this version... is from way before any of that. Before he ever did any of the evil stuff that led to the beginning of the Organization and the current situation back home. He's not Xemnas, and with a bit of luck, he never will be."

"But... he is on the train. We don't trust him, and we're keeping an eye on him to make sure he doesn't try anything. But after initially confronting him on the platform where he didn't try to fight us at all, even after Vexen launched a massive ice spell at him, we're... at least giving him a chance to prove he's sincere. Partly since we... couldn't really leave him behind completely, even if we wanted to, thanks to how the train works."

"In the mean time, if you see him, no attacking him unless he attacks someone first. And I mean actually attacks, not just 'does something vaguely creepy at'. In the tight quarters here on the train, things could get ugly really fast if we got into a fight, and it's not gonna be any of us who starts one. Got it memorized?"

Vexen's words confused her, but when Axel started speaking....

Well she was also confused too, because Xehanort sounded like a Nobody name. And she couldn't match it to any Nobody she knew. But the way Vexen started it sounded like Xemnas' Somebody might be here? Which was horrifying, but... then Axel started in on this Xehanort. So she had to have misunderstood. Because Xemnas' Somebody would be called like Manes or something? Right? Since Axel was called Lea and Sora was Roxas' Somebody, and she was told that after he was recompleated, Saïx was called Isa. But Xehanort had the sound that was missing from all the Somebody names. She'd never met a Somebody with that sound in their names.

But Axel kept talking, disrupting her confused thoughts and when he got to the important parts...

"Wait..." her head hurt. She looked up at him, one hand going to the side of her skull. "Xemnas is here, but as a Somebody? But Xehanort can't be a Somebody name? And if we know where he is before he did all that stuff, shouldn't we be stopping him so he can't?"

Her other hand flexed and her Keyblade... failed to appear again. But headache or no, Keyblade or no, she was ready to march on out of there to do what needs to be done.

Even if that meant she was never created in the first place.

At first, Xion seemed to have the gist of it...but then she said something that made no logical sense. He raised an eyebrow, other eye squinted as he tried to figure out the thought process.

"Xehanort very well can be a Somebody name. Why would you think otherwise?"

But the rest...there was a clear logic to it, albeit a cold one. He couldn't deny that the thought had crossed his mind, and yet...and yet, it could so easily have been him in Xehanort's shoes. An innocent and well-meaning Even, arriving in a place with people who knew him as the Chilly Academic. Maybe that was why the idea didn't sit right with him. Or maybe it was just some foolish hope that he could find proof the colleague he'd once considered a good friend hadn't been an utter fabrication.

"No, that's not significant right now. The Xehanort who is here does not appear to have ill intent. It is possible that violence may not be necessary to prevent him from becoming the monster who gave rise to Xemnas and the Seeker of Darkness."

Lea gave Vexen a bit of a look at the question about names. See the kind of questions he's had to field for the past couple years?

He at least had a reasonable guess as to why she thought such a thing though. "Just because someone's got an 'X' in their name doesn't mean they're a Nobody," he said. "Though the fact that Xehanort's name starts with an X might well be why all the humanoid Nobodies were given them too. He seemed to like to mark what he though was his, and the 'X' sigil did that pretty effectively." Though that did make him wonder briefly how Xehanort had gotten his name. Because really, who named their kid 'Xehanort'?

"But Vexen's right. In our time, we don't have much choice about how to deal with Master Xehanort and his new Organization. But if there's a chance to solve a problem without destroying the source, you take that chance."

"And in any case, you're in no shape to go running off to fight someone anyway. This time, you're gonna stay right here and take it easy til Vexen gives you the all clear. No charging off before you're recovered and collapsing again like last time."

"If we stop him now then none of you ever have to be hurt!" she protested. "None of it will happen! And if we're doing that it..." a bit quieter but no less determined, "it makes sense for me to be the one that fights him." Because win or lose, she's gone. This way no one else has to be hurt.

"That is not how time travel works, at least not in the worlds we are familiar with."

The Void...seemed to operate on its own rules with these things. A detail he noted as a difference between it and Interspace, in his ongoing quest to figure out what made the former so much more difficult to navigate.

"Any influence we might have would most likely be to the benefit of alternate timelines, wholly divested from our own. And regardless of that fact, violence is not our only option here. Attempting to kill him as he is now would be little different than if I had made an attempt on Axel's life as my first recourse for preventing a repeat of what he did in Castle Oblivion...except for the fact that Axel at least recalls what he has done to cause my discomfort."

Edited 2021-10-01 06:24 (UTC)

"Vexen's right," Lea said. "Nothing we do now can change what's already happened to us. But it could help create a different world, one that doesn't have to go through everything that happened to ours." Knowing that somewhere a version of him might not have lost his heart, might have grown up safely with Isa in Radiant Garden, and knowing that so many worlds would be spared so much suffering if they played their cards right? That was more than enough for Lea.

"And Xehanort, as he is now, isn't a threat. This isn't a fight-or-run situation. It's not black and white, one thing or the other. It's... very much a weird gray area that we're all kind of figuring out as we go along. But jumping to conclusions or just reacting and attacking him out of fear or anger isn't going to help."

"He's not a Heartless. He's not a monster. He's not Xemnas. He's just... a person. A person stuck on this train like the rest of us, and we need to figure out how to get along with him and not make things worse. Got it memorized?"

She shook her head. "If there is any way to stop everything, we should be doing it! Even... Even if it is for another version of us." Which was a concept that was still a little hard to wrap her head around. "We can't just let him start all over again! We have to protect the Somebodies here! And of we can stop him from ever having used us..."

Again, she would stop herself from existing but that... that would be worth it, right? So Axel and Roxas wouldn't have to suffer...

"Yes, we should do what we can to protect the people here. Your compassion and desire to do right by others is admirable," He approaches Xion's bed and kneels down to be closer to her reclining eye level. "Though I will note that Xemnas' claims that Nobodies are unworthy of concern was complete garbage. We may begin as hollow shells, but those of us that retain our personalities can become full people again."

He huffs and shakes his head, quiet for a few seconds as he tries to figure out how to put his point.

"But the Xehanort who is here is not an active threat. He cannot even imagine what might have motivated him to do the things he has been accused of. He is, in his current state, innocent of the crimes we recall. If we can prevent whatever catalyst caused him to go down the path that led to becoming Xemnas, then we will be protecting one more person than we would have if we simply eliminated him at the first opportunity."

"Seconding the fact that a lot of Xemnas' claims about Nobodies were garbage, including that one," Lea said. Garbage that he'd bought into, hook, line, and sinker for far too long. But still garbage.

"And yeah, there's more ways to keep someone from being a threat than just flat out eliminating the person. In fact, that should be the absolute last resort for anything that's not a Heartless or some other kind of monster. This Xehanort hasn't done anything to deserve being hurt, and we can't treat him like he has now that we know better. We will fix things for other versions of us, but we'll do it by preventing him from becoming Xemnas, not by killing him. Everyone involved in this should have a chance at a better life. Including him."

Her... what? Compassion? What... what was compassion? She didn't remember it from any of the picture dictionaries she had been given. Her desire to do right...? She just... just wanted to save her friends. She didn't know anything about right or not right. Usually she just did her missions and tried to do her best at them but... this was different. If there was some way to save Axel and Roxas, she had to try, right? And what if he tried to turn Taiki into a Nobody and send him out to kill things. That would be be bad, wouldn't it?

She frowned in thought at his comment about retaining personalities. "I had nothing to retain," she said softly. The train had told her she was a person now. Was... Was he saying she wasn't? Did that mean he was lying to her? Or wrong? Was the train wrong? But... Axel had said she was a person now too... so Vexen had to be the one who was wrong. Or lying. Right?

She looked between the two of them as she listened, getting more and more confused. And... more and more distressed. "But.. if we don't know how to prevent that... what caused it..."

The how would she protect anyone? She didn't know how to stop things from happening, just to fight whatever had to be fought afterwards. nd she wasn't even all that good at that.

She looked down at her gloves. Would being here make things worse? Would he look at her and realize what she was, what she had been? Would he look at her and realize what he could do and then use her to hurt Axel and Taiki and everyone else here? And that other version of Axel and Roxas...? She closed her hands. What was she supposed to do?

Last time... last time she knew she wasn't strong enough to fight him, so she had to go away, to return to Sora.

She knew she'd have to do that again at some point, for the future that Roxas told them about. But she didn't want to go back. She wanted to stay.

A tear rolled down her face, as again the thought ate at her. What happened to this her if he went back, became part of Sora? The part of her that went to Diatu and met Taiki. The part of her that fought eagulls and found the ice creamatarium and met all those other Somebodies?

She'd become a different Xion.

All she had were her memories, and she'd be losing half of those.

Her shoulders began to shake.

But if that was what was needed.... to protect Axel and Roxas and Taiki and everyone... she had to do it, right...? Right....?

Xion was crying. Was it...because of what he'd said? He'd been trying to avoid saying anything harsh, but he still knew so little about how her mind worked. Her heart was a unique thing, not the carefully designed and meticulously constructed sort he'd given the Riku Replica. And even if it had been, he had missed so much of her development, had only the vaguest idea what she'd been through...it really drove home how badly he'd failed as her creator.

He took an unsteady breath and reached into a pocket to produce a cloth, stained with dark brown splotches and reeking of coffee but currently dry, to offer. He doubted she would react well to him reaching toward her face right now, even if his instinct was to dry her tears himself.

"You are unique, a new heart and mind not dependent upon a prior existence."

A success beyond anything he could have imagined, a synthetic heart serving as a seed that grew into an entirely unique person. The fact that others had treated her like a failure...he knew why, but it did nothing to lessen his disgust.

"As for how we are to prevent something with an unknown catalyst...observation, and considering what those of us who knew him prior to his descent into obsession might have missed. We are now aware of context we did not have at the time, that may be of assistance in figuring out what we must watch for now."

Lea saw Xion's inexplicable but all too familiar reaction, and Vexen's reaction to her reaction and despite the circumstances, had to fight the urge to face-palm. "... I swear, I don't know how the two of you ended up being so alike in some ways when neither nature nor nurture was involved," he said with a sigh. "Xion, I don't know what conclusion you've managed to jump to from that, but I can already tell it's the wrong one."

"And both of you? Neither one of you is a failure. Got it memorized? I don't let anyone talk about my friends like that, even the little voices in their own heads."

He took a deep breath and exhaled. "As for Xehanort... basically what Vexen said. Hindsight is 20-20 and all that, and we've got a better idea of what to look for now, so we can prevent him from going off the rails." Probably. Hopefully. But with Xion, he had to sound certain, lest she latch onto any hint of doubt and worry it into a massive tangled mess.

"But what if by staying... I'm what gives him the idea?" she whispered. She had taken the cloth she was handed, but had no clue what she was supposed to do with it, so she was just kind of holding it. "I can't let him hurt you, Axel or anyone else on the train. Even if it means..."

Means she has to leave.

She looked down again, unable to stop the tears. Unaware she should try.

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Waking up (again) is hard to do. - Locked

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