voidtreckerexpress | [Closed] my back against the wall again;

Vexen's posture has never been great, he tends to sit slumped forward like his spine is made out of cheap foam. Even so, his exhaustion is visible in his normally quick and almost frantic movements seeming downright sluggish. He's squinting at his screen, frequently typing something and then shaking his head before deleting it. When Ken speaks up, he rubs at his eye and turns to face the boy.

"Yes, child? Please tell me there is not some sort of new crisis."

"Not really. But..."

He takes a deep breath and puts a hand on his chest, fingers splayed out in a burst. He looks up at the older man, his jaw set.

"How did you get those scars? And don't lie to me and don't tell me that you're fine, or some stupid crap like that."

"Ah."

He pushes his chair back from his desk and rubs his entire face. This is...not a topic he'd be eager to discuss while well rested, let alone exhausted. Still, something tells him the boy isn't going to take that for an answer.

"There are scars from two separate incidents, but I suspect you are talking about the burns. They are...a complicated tale. I have been very open about my status as a Nobody, but I have been somewhat less forthcoming about the fact that I am, in fact, the second Vexen to dubiously exist. I spent a period of time, however brief, as a human, following the...demise of my original Nobody. That is the origin of the scars marring so much of my body." He sighs, end opens his eyes to look at Ken, hand still resting over his nose and one cheek. "Bear in mind that my original incarnation as a Nobody was not at all the same as I am now. I do not pretend that Nobody was not myself, but much of your current image of my should not apply to the person I was before my forced recompletion."

"... So it was bad enough to follow you..." That sounds... rough at best, horrific at worst. "You should have told me. ... I would have helped you take care of them, at least a little."

It's not as if he hasn't seen people with scarring or people who weren't well before. Maybe not to this degree, but...

"... You say you were different. How? What happened that made you... made you die so violently?" He tries to keep his hands from shaking, but it's hard. Hard to think of another parent dying, another person he couldn't protect even though he didn't even know Vexen back then. "I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but I want to understand."

"There is very little that can be done, and I already have assistance in handling what of it I cannot do by myself. I have seen no point in troubling more people than necessary about it, under those circumstances."

He shakes his head and slowly lowers both hands to his lap.

"And if you had met me in those days...I can say with absolute certainty that you would have detested me. I still wonder at the fact that Lea seems to harbor no lingering grudge, all things considered, to say nothing of Lord Ansem. For you see, a newly created Nobody, under normal circumstances, is not bound by emotional attachments. I betrayed my dear master, so that he could not interfere in research that ought by rights to have been stopped. I assisted in...horrible things, things that brought all consuming darkness to many different worlds, my own home included."

His hands clench so tightly that they start shaking, but the expression on his face is one of anger.

"As for what...ultimately led to my demise in that incarnation, it was inane power plays in an Organization that ought never to have been formed. An assembly of Nobodies, ostensibly with the intent of regaining our hearts, but a number of us had agendas of our own, myself included. It was an attempt to undermine both a rival and our leader, the latter of whom you have met in illusionary form...an end for which I was prepared to murder an innocent teenager that they both sought to manipulate to their own ends. Or at least, that was the final straw...I had not exactly been kind to my fellow Nobodies. I have...not broached the subject, but I wonder how much of the prejudicial nature of my death was connected to the fact that I had been complicit in my executioner's forceful transformation into a Nobody."

Research. Horrible things. The thought brings to mind the Kirijo Group, and he can feel his stomach turn. Okay. Well. He focuses on listening to Vexen, on hearing the intent behind his father's words, and hearing nothing but truth as far as he can tell.

"You hurt people. You turned them into Nobodies, you - you did experiments. But you weren't you." He reaches out and takes Vexen's hands in both of his, looking down at them. "You... you're responsible for it, but it's not all your fault. You're a good person. You care about people even if you're prickly. You're curious. You get angry, you get sad.... it was you, but it wasn't you."

He looks up, tears in his eyes that he doesn't bother to wipe. "... Burn scars, right? I've seen those kinds of scars before." Who does he know that Vexen knows who has fire magic? ... Oh.

"... Lea." His grip tightens slightly as he tries to push away the anger. He's done with revenge, he told himself that, but the idea of anyone hurting Vexen, even if he deserved it, makes him feel furious and protective.

Would that he could separate himself from the previous Vexen so easily. But he still remembers having been that monster, the twisted thought processes that had driven his actions. Thought processes that he can, to his disgust, still see the logic in, cruel and selfish as it had been. But of course Ken would have a simpler perspective, one unburdened by the recollections of having lived as a hollow shell of one's self.

"I would...not go quite so far as to say I was not myself, but I was not my whole self. It is a fine distinction, and not one that I would expect someone who has not experienced life without a heart to fully grasp."

He rests a gentle hand on Ken's head. His fingers are slightly colder than usual, but it's not uncommon for his skin to turn cold instead of warm when his emotions run high.

"But just as I was lacking a vital part of myself back then, so too was the one who saw to my elimination. It was Lea's Nobody who killed me back then, and we spoke on the matter upon my arrival. He has no intention to do me further harm."

He looks up at Vexen, struggling to get his head around it. Lea - or Lea's Nobody - killed Vexen. And he's not mad. He can't quite connect the why together, but it's missing. Maybe he'll never understand.

Maybe it's better if he doesn't.

"... You know I'm going to go get his side of the story too, right? I need to know." His voice is quiet and tired, his previous energy practically bleeding out of him. He needs to know.

"I ust want you to remember - you're... a good person. And I'll fight anyone that tries to take you from me, real or illusion."

"You will find his tale to be much the same, although you should be certain to mention this conversation. I have taken care not to speak of the regrets of any former Organization member but myself, and I would not be surprised if Lea has made a similar policy."

As much as he and the fire user have their differences, they also have things in common. One of those things is that they both want Xemnas' other victims to have a chance at a new life, should they arrive here.

"If necessary, I will tell him to speak freely on the subject."

"It's not that I don't trust you or anything. I just... need to know why from his side. I can talk to him, I just..."

He shakes his head and looks up at his father seriously.

"How long did it take you to get help with it, though? Something like that... I don't want you to be hurting. I know you think it's just that you're supposed to take care of me, but I'm supposed to help take care of you, too."

"I had...some assistance from other medical volunteers, and the train has provided me with the medication I need to manage the general discomfort. Lord Ansem has been providing more frequent aid since..."

He pauses, frowns, and rubs at his eyes.

"Dear Light, how has it only been a month since that mission? It feels as though it ought to have been several times that long."

Edited 2021-08-01 06:06 (UTC)

"Missions are just... they feel like they take forever." He leans into Vexen, closing his eyes.

"I just worry about you. ... I don't want to lose you. I... I don't want to lose anyone."

He wraps his arms around the boy in what he means to be a secure and reassuring grip, but he can't help his utter fatigue showing through.

"I cannot say the scars are not an inconvenience, but they are not going to endanger my life. And I am quite certain Lea does not mean to attack me again, considering he gave me a magical bangle that wards against heat and flame."

"I don't want you to be in pain, either. I just... I wish I could do more." The people that he cares about... seeing them hurting feels like a failure.

"... You're really important to me. I... I got scared when I saw the scars, but I couldn't really... bring it up then. I couldn't... and then I got scared to bring it up again. Until... until now."

"I have the pain well managed, there is no need to worry about that. I just need to figure out where my new limits are, seeing as I have only had them for a matter of months."

He gives Ken's hair a light ruffle as he stifles a yawn.

"All told, it has actually not been very long since I ceased to be that abomination."

"... Okay." He leans into the ruffle, letting out a quiet sigh. "I... um. Have you eaten yet today? Other than that stupid slime." He knows you, Vexen.

"You need to build up your energy again. It's good that you helped, but you're still wiped."

He has to think for a moment, the way he's been drifting in and out of sleep since the mission making it hard to reliably track time. After several seconds of work to pin down roughly when things happened, he nods.

"Simple fare, I have not had the energy for much beyond the nutrient paste, but I had some toast and fruit the last time I was awake, before this. I...believe that was several hours ago?"

"... Fine. Just be sure to eat again soon. Promise me." He crosses his arms and looks up. "I'm going to get you to take care of yourself one of these days..."

"Yes yes, once I manage to muster the energy to get up. Honestly..." He rubs at his face and reaches for a cup of coffee on his desk. "I'm not sure I was this tired even after we repelled that demonic invasion."

"Yeah." Where he nearly died.

... He pushes the thought aside.

"I'm gonna go... if you haven't eaten in a few hours I'm gonna drag you off."

"Very well, if you're that concerned, I'll get something now."

He reaches into his pocket and, with a smirk, produces a familiar tube of nutrient slime. Considering the amused look in his eye and the way he's watching Ken, he's almost certainly deliberately waiting for a reaction.

He rolls his eyes and groans. "You're impossible." But there's a faint smirk on his face - he can at least appreciate the troll.

He stands up and rubs his face, grabbing the chair to put back. "I'll see you later."

"So I have been told."

He both looks and sounds downright proud of this fact, one hand raised in a vague wave.

"I will be here for some time. If I am not at this desk, I have probably decided to make use of the cushions downstairs."

He huffs and nods, heading out to try to find Lea. Where could the older boy be...

As it turned out, Lea was in the kitchens, putting sandwiches together and wrapping them to store in the fridge for later. More easy meals for tired people could only be a good thing, after all. And sandwiches were much easier to eat wherever you happened to settle than soup was.

He glanced up when he heard someone approaching, then smiled slightly when he saw who it was. "Hey, Ken," he greeted him with a small nod. "Looking for something?" He did seem to have a purpose in mind, at least, though Lea didn't know what it might be.

"You, actually." Ken looked around to make sure that - no, no one else around at the moment. It was starting to get close to when people were winding down for sleep, anyway.

"I need to talk to you about your history with Vexen. ... About how he got his scars."

Ah. Lea'd honestly been wondering when that would come up. He finished up the sandwich he'd momentarily paused in wrapping and set it with the others before focusing his attention on Ken.

"I guess he told you, huh?", he said with a bit of a sigh. "Or did you figure it out on your own?"

"Both, sort of. You're the only one other than Chidori that I know has fire abilities, and the only one he knows. And I know what burn scars look like. I asked him what happened, but... I want to know from you, too."

He was tired, but there was a cold calmness in his eyes. Not anger, not sadness, just... watching.

Lea nodded. It was both fair and understandable. "Alright then... Where to start...?" He thought for a moment, considering how much background he'd need to give to have things make sense.

"I wish I could say there was a good reason for what I did at Castle Oblivion, but... looking back, there really wasn't," he started. "Axel... I commanded the Assassin Nobodies for a reason; I was the guy the Organization sent out to deal with traitors and troublemakers. And out of the team the Organization sent to Castle Oblivion, there were a few people that I was sent there specifically to make sure didn't come back from the mission."

"Vexen wasn't one of them though. He just had the bad luck of being in the wrong place at the wrong time; I was trying to get in on Marluxia and Larxene's plans and find out what they were up to, and they needed some proof that I was on their side. And since Vexen was getting a bit too talkative for their liking with Sora, having me kill him was the perfect test. And since I was trying to put on a good show for Marluxia, I didn't just kill him. I incinerated him."

Lea closed his eyes: he sounded as horrified and disgusted now as Sora had then, describing the incident. "He was begging for mercy, and I just..." He shook his head and exhaled in a sigh. "It's kinda hard to explain being a Nobody. I'm sure you already know what one is, but explaining what it's like is hard. Axel both is and isn't me. Or I guess... he's what's left when most of me is taken away. Just try and think what it would be like, if you knew that nothing you ever did would make you feel sad, or scared, or angry, or guilty, or anything else."

"Not that that justifies any of it, of course. Eventually, thanks to Roxas and Xion, I started to develop a new heart, but when I was in Castle Oblivion as Axel... I was just as cruel, manipulative, and evil as anyone else in the Organization. I've been trying my best to help fix the harm I caused, but..." He trailed off a bit for a moment. "But I don't really know how much I can do in the end. I don't even know if a person can make up for something like that, you know?"

He listened in silence to the story - though it sounded more like a confession. Guilt, hurt... all of it just put out in front of him. He didn't react much, though internally... the whole idea of all of it was horrific. If he were without... any emotion at all...

... Well, Shinjiro would have been dead sooner, and he probably would have been killed by Sakaki. Or maybe not, if he hadn't wanted to die.

The idea of Vexen begging for mercy was... at once ridiculous and deeply upsetting, He took a few deep breaths. "I might not understand it, but... I understand doing things that you wouldn't do if you were really yourself." The illusions of the bodies... "I understand wanting to change. To make up for past mistakes. ... Someone like that gave up his life to protect me."

He stepped forward and put a hand on Lea's arm. "Neither of you are like that anymore. You keep moving forward." His fingers tightened around Lea's arm, bowing his head. "You're taking responsibility for that stuff. ... And if either of you start to slip that way again, I'll catch you."

It was indeed horrific. But it was also proof that people could get used to just about anything. Maybe becoming desensitized to their own emptiness had been a defense mechanism, their minds' way of making sure they didn't go completely insane. Or maybe they just gave up too easily. No way to know, really.

Lea looked uncertain at first, but smiled slightly at Ken's promise, gently ruffling his hair with his free hand before letting that hand drop to Ken's shoulder. "Thanks," he said. "Really. And I'll look out for you too. In a lot of ways- good and bad-, you're like I was when I was a kid, and I'll do my best to keep that bad points from getting to out of hand."

"All this reminds me though; I got Vexen something back before the mission, but he was too busy with his shiny new lab for me to find a moment to give it to him. Should probably do that before I forget about it."

He sighed and leaned into the touch, face flushing slightly. It wasn't that he hated touch, he was just afraid... but Lea was okay. "I'm... I'd like to think I'm a little better at controlling myself than I used to be..."

At the mention of a present for Vexen, he looked up. "What kind of present? I can deliver it for you, if you want..."

"A little better," Lea agreed, his smile becoming something a bit closer to its usual self. "But you still charged a monster with a kitchen knife and would have done the same even without backup. So there's still some room for improvement. Once everyone's not so tired, we really do need to start you on those magic lessons." And since control was such an essential part of fire magic, it would likely help out in more ways than one.

And as for the present... "It's a book," he said as he tidied away the sandwich ingredients. "And I'll have to get it out of my locker in the armory; been keeping it there since Xion's and my room is crowded enough already. So I might as well go with you to deliver it. We could maybe bring him some coffee and a sandwich though too. If I know him, he probably needs at least one of them, possibly both."

Edited 2021-08-04 06:12 (UTC)

"... What, is that a problem?" He seriously didn't know what was wrong with that. "But magic lessons would be... um. Would be nice." He watched Lea and moved to help put some of the stuff away once he saw the other moving to do so.

"Yeah, probably. He was eating more of that nutrient paste crap when I left him in the library. He's either still reading or he's fallen asleep on the beanbags."

"The fact that you don't see the problem with that just proves my point," Lea said. "And I never did get around to asking Vexen about magic teaching tips so that's one more reason for me to go with you. I've never really taught anyone magic before, and I wanna make sure I'm doing it right, you know?"

With the sandwich ingredients packed away, Lea put most of the sandwiches safely in the fridge where they could be easily accessed and kept fresh, keeping one out for Vexen. "Ugh, he's still eating that stuff?", he said, grimacing slightly in disgust as he moved to get a cup of coffee from the drink machine, preparing it the way Vexen liked. "Well at least there can't be too much of it left by now; he's not gonna have a choice but to go back to solid food soon."

Coffee and sandwich prepared, Lea put them on a tray for easy carrying. "OK, this is all set; now just gotta go grab the book, then find Vexen."

He huffed but didn't argue. It was clear there wasn't going to be any convincing him.

"He is. I won't be surprised if he orders more of it from the train. If he does, we've got to hide it."

He nodded at the tray. "Do you need help carrying something? I don't think you have enough hands or all of those things."

"Definitely," Lea said. "Where do you think is a good place to hide stuff from him? If we put it in one of our lockers and he found out, he'd probably just freeze the lock to break it and get it out."

He picked up the tray and turned to leave and head for the armory. "Not right now. But you'll probably have to carry either the tray or the book once we've picked it up. I definitely don't have enough hands for both that and the tray."

[Closed] my back against the wall again;

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