voidtreckerexpress | [closed] my heart is like the ocean searching

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[closed] my heart is like the ocean searching

Who: lan sizhui and dennis severs.
Where: cinema carriage.
When: merriment, day nineteen.
What: just two boys watching some stuff together!
Warnings: n/a but will update if necessary.

Despite their awkward first talk about everything that'd happened during alternate universe shenanigans and the somewhat stilted greeting they'd initially had today, Sizhui's pleased he agreed to watch something with Dennis in the cinema car anyhow. However, there's one thing neither of them really planned for: deciding what they should watch before arriving at their destination.

Not that the younger boy minds, given it's a distraction from the ever-present anxious buzz making him feel like he'll vibrate out of his skin.

“How does ‘Sing Cat Sing!’ sound? Oh, or perhaps ‘Tilt of An Eye?’ They both sound rather interesting.” And they're two films he hasn't watched yet. Although, because it's always amusing to see peoples' reaction when he mentions it, Sizhui's mouth curves at the edges before he suggests, “The ‘Bees on a Train’ seems to be popular, too.” He's heard quite a lot about it and the whole being hunted by an outrageous number of deadly killer bees.

He brushes some loose hair off his neck and over his shoulder, continuing to rummage regardless of what answer he receives. There are hundreds to choose from here, surely they can find something they'll both enjoy?

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After his um... meeting with Jingyi he'd had a lot to think about, even without that he'd still have much rattling around in his head concerning Sizhui and what had happened. Running into him granted him a chance to ask him if he wanted to hang out, the cinema seemed like as good an idea as any. He'd yet to watch anything in there, why not with his friend?

Sizhui is of course a saint and agrees to it and Dennis considers things that Jingyi has told him. Or warned him of.

"Sing Cat Sing sounds interesting." Dennis offers, hands in his pockets as he watches Sizhui, standing just behind him.

"... hey," Spoken softer, "You know you don't gotta be here if you don't wanna, right? Don't got to do this for me or whatever." Sizhui was too considerate and put others first, that's what Jingyi had told him and Dennis believed it. He knew it for a fact himself.

"I mean-" He sighs, don't make this fucking weird Severs, "I want to still do stuff, if you want to." But only if Sizhui really wants to.

It'd come as no surprise that Dennis and Jingyi talked to each other; Sizhui would've actually been more shocked if his two friends hadn't, to be honest, but either way, his thoughts can't help wandering into concerned territory since he has no idea what they discussed. (Even if he can hazard a guess, he prefers not lingering or prying.)

Saintly though he is, Sizhui's genuine when he tells Dennis he wants to watch something with him! The choices are just offered in case there's a particular genre Dennis may want, which is really, truly not something he minds putting over his own suggestion— he's seen ‘Merry Little Voidtrain’ at least a hundred times now, so! “Perfect,” as he selects the film then his attention upturns, eyebrows arched following a quiet hm? at Dennis's ‘hey.’ What comes after that isn't entirely unexpected, yet he softens anyway, his gaze lowers and Sizhui shakes his head.

“I know, Dennis, but I wouldn't have accepted if I didn't want to be here.” He bites his lower lip, silently contemplating, one hand reaching to cup against his cheek, fingertips drumming faintly while Dennis explains himself. “I do want to, so long as it's not awkward for you.”

Because although he's gunshy, he isn't the individual possibly questioning other particular things about himself he's learning here aboard the train. “While you might think I'm just saying it, I assure you, I'm not forcing myself to stay and you aren't guilting me into it, either.” Genuinely, he wants to remain friends, but only if it's comfortable with both of them, not because they feel obligated after everything.

Of course Sizhui is an absolute angel, assuring him he wants to be here and there's a nagging voice in his mind that tells him he's just saying that. For all Jingyi meant well in talking to him, he's got Dennis second guessing everything now.

"Not gonna lie and say it ain't." It's awkward, it's really awkward. He feels like there's this big invisible wedge between and it's his fault. No matter how kind Sizhui is, he can't help but feel terrible.

"But s'not your fault," He shakes his head, looking down and away and fucking hell, he's already making this "a thing" now too, isn't he? His shoulders shrug as he tries to get his thoughts all together.

"Just keep remembering things, but I know that weren't real... but it feels so real and it's just- we did some of those things, it weren't all just false memories." There were real kisses, hand holding and a feeling of giddy warmth being around Sizhui. Even it if had been built on a false life, did that really negate it?

And that's exactly one of the worries Sizhui's had about all this. While he understands Jingyi's intentions are good (and surely Dennis thinks somewhat the same), knows his fellow disciple is just trying to help, it's brought about more worry in an unintended way, which he's sure has consistently weighed on Dennis's mind ever since everything went back to normal.

“Mm.” Soft confirmation because yes, it's super-duper awkward no matter how hard they try and act like it isn't. Nothing can be the exact same as it'd been before, which Sizhui understands, yet still finds difficult to accept entirely.

It's nobody's fault except the ridiculous illusions that had control of their minds long enough to implant false memories, leaving them in this ‘not-quite-friends, not-exactly-boyfriends’ situation. He opens his mouth, hesitates, closes it again after Dennis shakes his head then upturns his attention in spite of himself; he doesn't want to watch his friend, someone who he's supposed to be close to and care about, suffer such terrible aftereffects.

“No, they weren't all fake, and I remember them every day too.” Of course he does, what else is he supposed to think about whenever thoughts of Dennis wander through his mind? Because what they'd had may have been an imitation relationship but that doesn't make strong emotions disappear overnight, especially when what they had felt good. “The relationship might have been falsified, that doesn't mean the feelings were.” And thus, here they are, tiptoeing around them like they aren't there or awkwardly trying to discuss things.

Of course he understood Jingyi's intentions. Someone was fucking with his best friend, or what he considered it, and any good friend would step in and set things right. Stand up for them. Much as it sucked, he gets it.

And that's the thing, even after his talk with Jingyi and knowing that through it all at the end of it he's right. But the thing is when him and Sizhui had spoken before about this as awkward as it had been, Dennis had said he wanted to be friends. That he wasn't "that way". This was never meant to hold them in some weird limbo, but the memories did that to them regardless.

Dennis head pops up at Sizhui saying he remembers them every day. It makes his chest feel tight and he's unsure if it's a good or bad feeling. He has to almost bite his tongue to stop from asking if that means Sizhui likes him. Wouldn't that just be cruel? What with him being so insistent that he's not gay. Maybe not even insistent, just in denial that he could like another man, like both men and women.

"Yeah..." Is all he can really say in the end. Clearing his throat he'll motion at the movies Sizhui had been digging through. "So Sing Cat Sing, right?" Or something else. Anything would do, besides the bees. Maybe a distraction would do them good. Or maybe this is literally a date you fools.

Though Dennis gets it, Sizhui also understands that it does feel bad to have someone jumping down your throat whenever you're confused and still trying to figure things out after something so... nebulous. (See, he's not dealing with that and he is certainly doing his best to not handle his own mixed emotions on the subject, right now especially.)

No need for an even deeper spiral while he's already trying to stay afloat in the lingering sensitivity of this conversation— ...which, after some consideration, sounds way worse than it should and thank goodness it wasn't said aloud. Why would an illusionist do such a thing to people? Make them live such intimate sorts of unknown relations, friends and family alike, just for whatever? Ugh, that feels worse to think about! So, he stops, attention captured by Dennis's head suddenly lifting, his own eyebrows arching with curiosity.

What, did he say something wrong? It's the truth, after all, he does remember them quite often – far more than he'd like to admit at times! – but he's been busying himself with other things in a desperate attempt to ignore how nice it'd felt holding Dennis's hand or folding him up into a hug. Being honest, that's something he'd like to do now in hopes it might comfort the other boy, yet he resists, gazing toward the film once it's brought up again.

“Yes, it sounds fun!” And lighthearted, something they both could use at the moment, despite the faint joyful lilt in Sizhui's voice. He moves to get it set up, gesturing at the nearby popcorn machine. “Do you like those popped corn kernels?”

Maybe there was some truth to the illusions and the false lives. Maybe that was the point in some way. He's not thought that far into it yet.

"Popcorn? Yeah!" Okay, okay this he can do. Just, everything is fine, they're good friends and that's all they need to be. Nothing complicated, nothing that could hurt Sizhui.

"Can't do a movie without popcorn, s'like... tradition." Sure, that's it. He'll come over, wanting to help. He knows how to use this! Putting some kernels in and butter oil, he'll turn it on. Now they wait! His gaze wanders to Sizhui, considering many things, but really all he can do is hate himself for thinking how pretty he is, always is, and wondering why he can't just.

Make up his mind about shit.

"Back home lots of cinemas got extra things you can put on your popcorn, like flavored powders. Taste like cheese, bacon, ranch... even caramel. Makes it fun, not that it ain't good just as."

There's absolutely, one-hundred-percent no rush on Lan Sizhui's end, so Dennis has more than enough time to figure his stuff out while he handles his own problems.

“Popcorn, that's it!” Obviously, it makes sense to call it that, keeping in mind how it's made and what with. Although somewhere in the back of his mind, he vaguely recalls hearing the name before now... which he'll leave unmentioned since it proves a good distraction for the other boy. “Really? Hmmm,” he hums, contemplating, nodding affirmingly afterward. “Snacks and a movie sound like a good tradition.”

This whole time he's chatting, Sizhui has gotten their movie set up, unbeknownst to him Dennis's attention has drifted from the popcorn machine to him instead, even though there is that ever-present sensation of being watched. (He's just ignoring it in favor of focusing on anything but the fact Dennis might be staring.)

However, when Dennis mentions those odd-sounding popcorn flavorings, he can't resist glancing back over his shoulder, eyebrows raised with interest. “Caramel, you say?” He's never considered popcorn having sweet-tasting additives before.

Thank god someone here doesn't mind things being slower! This isn't an overnight sort of thing. And forgive him Sizhui, he's a hot mess and so embarrassing right now. Tell him staring is rude, he's done it before after all.

"Caramel yeah, but you know what's better than the flavoring stuff? Making actual caramel popcorn. Make fresh caramel and put popcorn in there and get em all coated then once it's hardened up you eat it." So good! So fattening...

"Some people adds nuts too or salt. All good really." Speaking of popcorn, it's starting to pop now and his attention falls to it. Making sure it doesn't burn.

No, it sure isn't something that'll just happen— also, look, he will forgive Dennis for staring... but if he tells or even asks him to stop, that means Dennis might actually listen and – selfish as it might be – Sizhui doesn't necessarily mind being checked out.

Being thoroughly intrigued by this caramel-corn idea though, he lets the movie go for now, shuffles over to the popcorn maker, peeking in through the window while it starts spitting out puffed kernels. “That sounds divine.” And like something he'd eat so much of, he would end up with a bellyache, but worth it from what Dennis has described. Do they have caramel on the train? If not, how do they go about getting some??? Because Sizhui's already feeling a mighty need.

“Actually, now that you mention,” he remarks with further consideration, “peanuts and salt would cut through the sweetness rather nicely.”

Well good. He's going to keep being checked out. Sorry not sorry!

For all his head and heart have been a mess since getting back from the mission, when Sizhui shuffles over to stand beside him while the popcorn starts to pop, he feels a warmth come over him. He's happy being with him, even for stupid little things like this.

"S'good mix." He'll contemplate something for a second, "... if we've got sugar on the train could make some caramel actually. Not like, right this second, but another time." He's never made caramel before, but it can't be that hard. The popcorn seems to be mostly done so Dennis will open the machine, getting a bag ready as he grabs the scoop. He smiles at Sizhui as he reaches in to start scooping.

"You want extra butt- fuck." He hisses, yanking his hand back and dropping the scoop in the machine. There's a couple more expletives as he looks at his hand, scored red where he'd hit it against the pot the kernels cooked in. Shit was hot as hell.

Exactly the proper response, to be honest.

More popcorn comes and Sizhui's expression brightens until his eyes are almost owlishly wide, he's beaming outright, and both his hands are coming together so he can absentmindedly fidget. Strange, how the silence is this comfortable even after everything, but Dennis's next remark isn't intolerable either. “Sounds like it. Sweet and salty seem to be a popular combination, I've realized.” So many new flavors aboard the train, it's taken a lot of experimenting to learn what's good, what isn't, what he can and cannot handle. Moderation, he's also learned, is something important to pay attention to; with all foods, but sweets, especially. At the offer, he nods, “No, not now, but we could try some other day. I'm sure the train has plenty of sugar on board.” Taking into account how much he's used making his own sweets . . .

If not for Dennis injuring himself, he might've thought where that sentence had been cut off was funny, but that's not the case; Dennis bumps his hand, drops the scoop, withdraws from the machine cursing all the while and Lan Sizhui reaches to catch his burned limb. Without thinking, he moves his opposite hand, rests it over the red, scaled skin and instinctively draws power to heal the burn— although, nothing happens because he isn't channeling qi like normal, but drawing from a well he'd forgotten he no longer possesses, so he's sort of just. Awkwardly holding Dennis's hand.

At this point, he's realized his mistake, withdraws with a soft ah then downturns his gaze, cheeks flushed. “Sorry, I— I forgot...” Don't judge him too much for that, Dennis! (Even if it did work in a sense, though they won't know until later.)

It's not exactly how he figured things would go tonight, but could be worse. Sizhui takes his hand and for a moment he totally forgets that he's in pain, gawking like a fish. It takes him a second to realize what he's trying to do and then it clicks.

Sizhui is trying to heal his hand... with his um, the cultivation thing? Mouth closing he tilts his head a little watching, expecting something to happen, but nothing seems to be.

"Forgot?" Dennis isn't sure what he means, but looks at his hand, before holding it to his chest. Still fucking hurts, but maybe, just maybe, it's a wee less red. Not that either of them would notice.

Silly as it is, watching Dennis gape like he does almost makes Sizhui smile. (Almost being the keyword there since he's fast enough to bite his cheek and stifle it.) It's reminiscent of their first meeting, when he'd thought about playfully telling Dennis to close his mouth because he looks like a fish, which proves somewhat comforting in this situation.

Before that thought can linger too long, Dennis has already closed his mouth despite still staring at their hands.

Sizhui inhales, attention darting every way except looking at Dennis, then he huffs, raises the same hand he'd used just a few moments ago and shyly rubs the side of his neck. His own gaze has lowered again, doing its best to catch Dennis's hand, though seeing it red nevertheless is disheartening enough to have him upturning again. “I don't, ah, have those same healing powers from before?” Sure, he could probably at least heal Dennis's burn with his cultivation magic, but that hadn't been his first intention.

Sorry Sizhui, boy is terrible at keeping his mouth closed. He's gotta be careful, he's gonna catch flies if he doesn't stop that.

God why does he have to keep making things so weird an awkward between them? Or he sure feels like it's his fault, some how. When Sizhui explains his mouth opens in a quiet 'oh', before pressing into a thing line and he's gingerly touching at his burn, wincing.

"... so you ain't able to do nothing from that last place we was at?" Easier to focus on that sort of thing then how uncomfortable either of them may be now.

"Can sorta do mine. Kinda, but not really." Dennis holds up his uninjured hand, focusing and there's a flicker of something flashing up around his hand, but it's just that. He grunts, trying to do it again, and same as before just a flicker, but it doesn't form any real barrier at all. Sighing heavily he'll let his hand drop.

"That's 'bout all I can do. Not very helpful."

...oh no. No, no, no, Sizhui would definitely be closing Dennis's mouth for him before that could happen! Or at least attempting to? Because eugh, nobody deserves that kind of problem, gaping like a fish or not.

They're both at fault in some manner, to be fair, what with Sizhui's blatant disregard for any possible uncomfortable feelings that might linger whenever he'd grabbed Dennis's hand. Much simpler to ignore it though, his gaze briefly drifting again then redirecting once more and his expression softening at the sight of Dennis cringing.

He shakes his head, “It doesn't seem like it? Unless I just need more practice...” This at least makes sense: one needs to practice their abilities to get better at them, so maybe he'll get better if he keeps trying despite it seeming like nothing happened. However, that is also something he doesn't dwell on, especially considering what Dennis has just said about his powers still working somewhat, and that's far cooler than fussing about how his own isn't working anywhere near proper-like. His already widened eyes somehow open further, he makes a soft gasp toward the flicker of blue, reaches to press his left fingertips against his mouth.

“Dennis...” he slowly trails off, brow furrowing, his own lips pinching at the corners when the urge to take Dennis's dropped hand arises. Thank goodness, it's easier to tamp down and he straightens instead, squares his shoulders, looking almost comically determined now. “The fact you can make something matters! Practice, and I'm telling you, it'll get better.” He'd probably look funnier if he didn't look so damn sincere, too. “I'll even help! As a sparring partner, you know? Ah,” a beat of contemplation before he continues, “if you aren't already full up on those?”

Since someone's surely offered to teach him hand-to-hand and such, right?

This is why Sizhui is the best.

And no, Sizhui also isn't at fault here, he'd just been trying to help him. Dennis would never hold that against him, ever. At the way Sizhui says his name he's not sure if he's done something wrong or... but no, here his friend is holding him up and encouraging him. Really he's too good to him.

"M'hoping. Want to be able to help more on missions, be useful, protect people." Protect you, his mind supplies.

"Ah- no, not really. Mean got Inigo still kicking my ass in sword training, but not much else." Is that what Sizhui meant? "Won't say no if you wanna kick my ass too." Wait. Is that- let's not think too hard about it.

"Think that'll help me do better at this?" He tries his powers again, it takes a second as he has to really focus, but the flicker comes again. "S'weird trying to get it to work. Have to like think about it, like how it forms and stuff. Don't know how to explain it really."

Nobody deserves to be eating bugs because they're so shocked for whatever reason.

Fair, and though Sizhui has been trying to do better with not grabbing onto people, being the tactile person he is, it's far more difficult than anticipated. Maybe he could've sounded less worrisome for Dennis's sake, it's easier letting himself get sillily excited about his friend's newly gained powers instead.

“Haah...?” He tilts his head, considering, then it's followed by a quick shake and his expression pinches again. “Hey now, what you provide at the moment is something too, okay?” That needs to be known first, yet as Lan Sizhui continues, he smiles faintly. “But it's great you want to do more.” God knows, they can use as much of that as possible, given how some missions have gone horrifically sideways.

Dennis getting his ass kicked in sword-training – how very eloquently put, by the way! – is both exactly and not quite what he'd meant; his smile widens anyhow, something almost akin to a smirk that he instinctively reaches up and covers before it ends up getting too big. Then he clears his throat, lowers the hand, still grinning though it's reeled in. “We could swordfight as well if you like but I'm also trained in hand-to-hand combat, which is what I was thinking, in case you're tired of Inigo ‘kicking your ass,’ as it were.” (Gasp, such foul language!) Following a brief moment of hesitation, he nods, “Anything that can focus your concentration, test what energy you put into using the power... it ought to help in some manner? And perhaps meditation.”

He lowers his gaze, watching Dennis attempt again, both hands tucking into the pocket of his hoodie. “Makes sense,” Sizhui affirms. “When I tried to heal your hand, that's what I did, but it's different when I use my qi.”

Dennis is a very eloquent speaker, an absolute Shakespearean maestro with words.

"Can't let you guys get all the glory being all badass with your swords." All these awesome fighters here on the train and he was still just some firefighter from London. He's trying to fix that. A work in progress.

"Know how to knock a bloke out if I gotta, but wouldn't mind more formal training. Guess wouldn't be so bad getting knocked on my ass by you either." What's with all the asses, Dennis? At least Sizhui is joining in on the assness. Honestly it's cute sounding hearing it from his mouth.

"Huh, so how's it differ with your qi stuff?" As much as his hand still stings, he's kind of forgotten about it now with them talking. He's even going to try to bag them some popcorn again. Properly this time, without hurting himself.

Lucky for Dennis, Sizhui's impressed with him, silver-tongued or not. Part of that is because he's resilient; his stubbornness to continue helping, despite other fighters' badassery, although firefighters are just as distinctly tough in their own ways.

“No, I suppose not.” He mmns consideringly, head tipped, gaze tilting toward the popcorn maker again. Whatever Dennis puts his mind to, he believes he'll do great things and wholeheartedly supports him along the way. Also, now that he's thinking about it (thanks to Dennis's mention of more formal training), there are other things he could teach his friend... if he's interested in them, that is? Only one way to find out and that's asking outright.

“Do you? In what sort of way?” Headbutting in the face, striking on either side of the head, and putting someone into a chokehold are a few ways that come to mind, but his attention is recaptured by Dennis admitting he wouldn't mind getting clocked out by him either. Regardless of biting his cheek to stifle it, Sizhui's smirking faintly anyway, “Don't worry, I think that can be arranged, and if there's ever a chance you might like to learn archery, I do have a bow you could learn with.”

Since, despite his small stature, he really can pack a punch when it matters and has no trouble handling a strong bowstring.

Explaining spiritual energy, however... hmmm. Another quiet hum comes then Sizhui glances back up at Dennis once he's certain the other boy won't burn himself a second time. “I'd say it's hard to explain but to tell you the truth, it isn't? I don't think about it as much.” He's been doing it so long now, cultivation comes almost as easily as breathing.

Firefighters are pretty awesome and badass, but so far none of that has helped with magic and supernatural beings and monsters. Alas.

"Well placed fist square in the face can do it if you hit hard enough... if not that add a bike chain to it-" Dennis realizes that Sizhui probably doesn't know what that is, "A thick chain used to make a wheel spin, you wrap it around your fist, can really mess someone up." He maybe knows from experience. Er. Being the one to beat a face in with it that is.

"Wait you got a bow too?" What else is Sizhui keeping from him?! "Look I won't say no, not like we ain't got plenty of time to train here." He can't imagine he'll ever be any Robin Hood, but can't hurt to try!

"... huh, so it just comes more natural. You're so used to it you don't even gotta think really." He hopes one day his own budding powers will be like that. It'll just be a thing and not something he has to really think hard on, especially in the heat of things.

Obviously, this is why he and Dennis need to practice, get those skills more up to par on both their ends so they can use them whenever necessary (and then continue training until it's where they can even perhaps use them frivolously).

Sizhui nods, listening intently to Dennis's explanation, his mouth opening to remark about not quite understanding, although his friend is faster, already launching into clarification of what a ‘bike chain’ is; he knows what chains are, but from what he's being told, it sounds different than what he's familiar with. Sure sounds like Dennis has experience, which is good (?) that he can defend himself, despite the crudeness of it. “That's some sort of self-defense, at least... Good.” They have somewhere to start now.

“Mmhmm,” he hums with confirmation. “Perfect, then we can teach you that as well.” This way, Dennis would have long-ranged weapon training too and Sizhui can let him hold onto the bow for however long he needs. As for what else he's keeping from him? Well, one day, Dennis will witness Sizhui's ability to use his instrument like a melee weapon alongside his devastating battle magic.

Another brief head-bob, his attention downturns and he plucks up a piece of popcorn, tossing it into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. Once he's swallowed, “Not in the slightest, whereas I believe I might think too much about my other abilities.”

It will happen! They'll be little badass besties.

Oh speaking of the popcorn. Dennis will offer a filled bag to Sizhui and get one for himself. It took long enough, and some pain, but finally. Popcorn!

"Eventually you guys will whip me into something worthwhile." Dennis jokes, popping a few pieces of popcorn into his mouth. The day he gets to see Sizhui in action and kicking ass and taking names will be a day for sure. Training is one thing, seeing this soft tiny boy in a real battle? Damn.

"Sounds like we both think too much." Not Dennis out here dunking on himself when it comes to all this stuff with Sizhui and his own bullshit. Still, he smiles softly.

"What about catching that movie now, huh?"

Absolutely, it'll just take time... but they've got plenty of that aboard the train.

“Thank you.” Sizhui accepts the popcorn bag, holding it carefully between both hands, grinning wide. “Eventually,” he teases in kind, nodding with affirmation then lifting his container to take another piece he can munch while contemplating. It's definitely a sight to behold, though to be fair, he'd dislike Dennis being anywhere too close to an actual battle if he isn't trained appropriately. Gods forbid, he gets caught up and something tragic happens that might've been avoided by urging Dennis to stay away instead.

“Ay yi yi,” then he shakes his head, reaches one hand out, rests it on Dennis's shoulder and gives a gentle squeeze. “Exactly why we should do something a little more mindless.” That way Dennis can't diss himself whenever they're occupied with their movie.

“Yes, let's do so!” Sizhui's expression brightens almost instantly, he lowers the hand to Dennis's forearm and tugs, guiding them over to sit so they can finally start watching more proper-like now that they've gotten snacks.

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[closed] my heart is like the ocean searching

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