who: Two Lan Xichens, Lan Sizhui & others on request where: Garden Carriage wen: Second half of Merrimont what: Two different family discussions & potentially more. A catch-all post for Lan Xichen (lanhuan@). warnings: No warnings, potential for lots of sad toot toot flutting.
[ After a moment's consideration, he shakes his head slightly. ]
The one who did it would never have allowed us to hear it played like this, and we are not the kind to sneak in secrecy unless we have a very good reason. The only evidence was a pair of cut-off pages, neatly, from a book in the restricted section which nobody really looks for.
It comes down to who we choose to trust. In our pride... we choose wrong.
[there are so few people allowed in the library, that xichen's chest aches at the thought of who it could be.
still, if he hadn't heard and hadn't had reason to be suspicious --- there's already something awful about that.] The only person I trust who's skilled enough to play a song of this difficulty is Wangji and he wouldn't do this. [even with all of xichen's failures in his role as a brother, with wangji laying healing and scarred, he knows in his heart that he wouldn't consider it.]
xichen's own pride flares, stubbornness with it. he is not a child, meant to be coddled and protected. he has lead men through a war, had taken on the mantle of sect leader before he'd left his adolescence. he had not been left to flounder of course, with his uncle still at his side, but -- he lets out a sigh, watches his older self with a crease in his brows.] And if knowing could prevent it?
[ Xichen slowly raises his eyes and looks at his other self.
Can he do it, if he knows? Will he even believe it enough to act, without the deed being done? ]
When people asked similar questions of the train, I believe there was no conclusive answer. It is not known what happens after people leave the train. There are some who have left and returned, remembering; there are some who have left and returned, not knowing anything about their time here.
So I cannot answer you.
And if you choose to not know, to spare yourself, I can tell you what would make a difference, if you would heed it and remember it.
Trust da ge. Even when it seems his anger is blinding him, his judgment is sounder than ours.
[it is still frustrating, a jab at xichen's own pride as he listens. his older speaks with certainty and logic that cannot be overlook, there is no example of someone knowing what they'd learned upon there return.
that's reasonable, he knows.
still, if there is a chance then it seems unreasonable to hide this. he nearly says just that, when the other keeps speaking.
xichen knows himself, knows who and what he believes in. knows that he is the sort to maintain balance, to mediate and to see all sides of a conflict. knows too, that when he believes in someone he will see reason in their actions and choose to see light where there is dark. 'if you choose to act' is not the harsh assessment it could be to some. there's no lying to an older version of himself, no hiding.
between them, he does not have the upper hand.
yet, if things have played out a similar way in both their lives --- ] There are few matters where da-ge's and my opinion greatly splinter, especially when it comes to those that anger him. The most focal being Meng Yao.
[ There is no upper hand in what is to come for the younger self. What is already coming. Xichen knows that if he could change things, he'd give his best to do that, but... he doesn't think it's possible.
But if it is...
He is trying to give him enough to be able to make a difference without destroying his ability to trust in himself and hope. Without paralyzing him as he is himself, now, paralyzed.
Again, he doubts he has the ability to do that, but he has to try.
He inclines his head slowly. ]
Indeed. Jin Guangyao... decided to sacrifice a great many things in order to achieve his father's approval, and when he gave up on that, to achieve other goals. None of it that should have been his to sacrifice.
I am sorry.
[ Again, Jin Guangyao. Not Meng Yao, because Xichen still thinks that Meng Yao still might have chosen otherwise than Jin Guangyao did. And not A-Yao. ]
[and xichen, though he does not know the man before him quite as he is known, can pick up on the difference in the name.
in what it means, in the betrayal that his older self alludes to.
his brows crease, drawing together.] After the war, what more is there to sacrifice? [the wens are no more? and meng yao -- xichen cannot think of him as jin guangyao, even if it is the name the man prefers now -- has only a future to build.]
[ Xichen squeezes his eyes. Everything and anything that is not us.
But he shakes his head. ]
I can tell you details, and others can confirm them if you wish them to, but I also know that you may disbelieve them all the same. [ Because Xichen here could have. ] And the details will hurt more than you can imagine. But all they boil down to is this - da ge was right about him.
It is not that Jin Guangyao does not care, at least that much I do not believe we were wrong about. But he is more... willing to act according to his ... objectives than that care. Every time.
Wei Wuxian played this version of 'Cleansing' for me and told me to listen to da-ge as well... [not quite, but close enough. xichen had been hesitant then but between wei wuxian and himself, even without the details it is hard to deny that betrayal will come at the hands of meng yao.
jin guangyao.
xichen can't make that shift in his mind, even if he sees a version of himself before him that falls victim to the sacrifices one of his closest friends is willing to make.]
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voidtreckerexpress2021-08-08 07:04 pm
no subject
Not until it was too late. Far too late.
no subject
no subject
The one who did it would never have allowed us to hear it played like this, and we are not the kind to sneak in secrecy unless we have a very good reason. The only evidence was a pair of cut-off pages, neatly, from a book in the restricted section which nobody really looks for.
It comes down to who we choose to trust. In our pride... we choose wrong.
no subject
still, if he hadn't heard and hadn't had reason to be suspicious --- there's already something awful about that.] The only person I trust who's skilled enough to play a song of this difficulty is Wangji and he wouldn't do this. [even with all of xichen's failures in his role as a brother, with wangji laying healing and scarred, he knows in his heart that he wouldn't consider it.]
no subject
No, of course he would not.
Besides... it happened before his seclusion was over.
[ So... not yet. But soon. ]
no subject
So, Xichen sits with brows furrowed and knowing he's toeing toward an edge.] Who else is capable then?
no subject
Knowing will hurt. And you will not have a way to make it hurt less. It is likely going to be easier if you do not ask.
[ Easier.
Kinder.
Whether it will be better, Xichen cannot say. ]
no subject
xichen's own pride flares, stubbornness with it. he is not a child, meant to be coddled and protected. he has lead men through a war, had taken on the mantle of sect leader before he'd left his adolescence. he had not been left to flounder of course, with his uncle still at his side, but -- he lets out a sigh, watches his older self with a crease in his brows.] And if knowing could prevent it?
no subject
Can he do it, if he knows? Will he even believe it enough to act, without the deed being done? ]
When people asked similar questions of the train, I believe there was no conclusive answer. It is not known what happens after people leave the train. There are some who have left and returned, remembering; there are some who have left and returned, not knowing anything about their time here.
So I cannot answer you.
And if you choose to not know, to spare yourself, I can tell you what would make a difference, if you would heed it and remember it.
Trust da ge. Even when it seems his anger is blinding him, his judgment is sounder than ours.
no subject
that's reasonable, he knows.
still, if there is a chance then it seems unreasonable to hide this. he nearly says just that, when the other keeps speaking.
xichen knows himself, knows who and what he believes in. knows that he is the sort to maintain balance, to mediate and to see all sides of a conflict. knows too, that when he believes in someone he will see reason in their actions and choose to see light where there is dark. 'if you choose to act' is not the harsh assessment it could be to some. there's no lying to an older version of himself, no hiding.
between them, he does not have the upper hand.
yet, if things have played out a similar way in both their lives --- ] There are few matters where da-ge's and my opinion greatly splinter, especially when it comes to those that anger him. The most focal being Meng Yao.
no subject
But if it is...
He is trying to give him enough to be able to make a difference without destroying his ability to trust in himself and hope. Without paralyzing him as he is himself, now, paralyzed.
Again, he doubts he has the ability to do that, but he has to try.
He inclines his head slowly. ]
Indeed. Jin Guangyao... decided to sacrifice a great many things in order to achieve his father's approval, and when he gave up on that, to achieve other goals. None of it that should have been his to sacrifice.
I am sorry.
[ Again, Jin Guangyao. Not Meng Yao, because Xichen still thinks that Meng Yao still might have chosen otherwise than Jin Guangyao did. And not A-Yao. ]
no subject
in what it means, in the betrayal that his older self alludes to.
his brows crease, drawing together.] After the war, what more is there to sacrifice? [the wens are no more? and meng yao -- xichen cannot think of him as jin guangyao, even if it is the name the man prefers now -- has only a future to build.]
no subject
But he shakes his head. ]
I can tell you details, and others can confirm them if you wish them to, but I also know that you may disbelieve them all the same. [ Because Xichen here could have. ] And the details will hurt more than you can imagine. But all they boil down to is this - da ge was right about him.
It is not that Jin Guangyao does not care, at least that much I do not believe we were wrong about. But he is more... willing to act according to his ... objectives than that care. Every time.
no subject
jin guangyao.
xichen can't make that shift in his mind, even if he sees a version of himself before him that falls victim to the sacrifices one of his closest friends is willing to make.]