Clef's physical body shook violently as his will rushed back to fill it. His eyes snapped open blankly as his form flickered. Shadow would see Clef's body change, clothing shifting to change with him. It took seconds, if that, before the form in the bed, shaking terribly no longer looked like a child. Older. Significantly taller.
Those eyes widened with something very akin to shock. Then his lips moved over a single word, a name, silently. "Link."
His form shuttered again and shrank back to Clef's usual state as his mind spun.
Link. Link needed him. As long as Link still wanted him, he had to be there for Link. Had to be. It didn't matter if no one else needed him, so long as Link did. He had to be here for Link. Had to be there for his son.
Sons.
Zelda might not remember him but Link did. Shadow did.
Was Shadow real or an imposter?
His eyes closed as he realized... it didn't matter.
Were any of them themselves any more?How many times had forces entered his mind since he Woke, changing him? How many false memories became real? What of those books that suggested that those of them who Woke were fundamentally just copies in a functional sense? Otherwise going back to Sleep wouldn't rob them of all they learned. That they caused the Flaws going back Awake because they were no longer the them that belonged to their worlds...
So if this was a fake Shadow....
Then the only answer was to treat him like he wasn't a fake. Because if he was really there to do otherwise would hurt him terribly. And if he was a fake...
Fakes could become real.
He wouldn't ever take over being Shadow if he was a fake, but he could still be loved, still be family. To imitate Shadow he had to be like him to a degree. Had to be good.
If this was a fake and Shadow, the real Shadow, did show up, he could and would love them both. Trust them both.
Because there was no way to be so like Shadow without being so like Shadow. Either to start or in becoming, in being.
Link needed him.
Shadow... Shadow needed him.
His head started to clear as his will filled him again.
He still didn't know who he was these days. He'd been questioning that since his first Storm. So why should Shadow or Link or any of them be any different? Was this Shadow real? the question was impossible to answer. As impossible to answer as was the now real or just another Storm or mind attack?
That he could question made it more likely this was real... but there was no certainty. There hadn't been certainty for years now.
So he had to focus on the now, on the things he knew to be true now.
He loved Link. He loved Shadow. He loved Zelda. Shadow and Link remembered him. Zelda did not. They were on the train. He was Clef. Guru of Ceiphro. Ascended of Naut. Passenger on the train. Was it real?
No way to know.
But it was now. And he wasn't trying to kill anyone. So if it was false it was a less dangerous false than some had been.
He had to act as if the now was real until he could prove it was or wasn't.
Again he anchored what he knew of the now in his head. Link was here. Link needed him. He loved and trusted Link. With most things, anyway. He didn't trust the boy to take his homework seriously. But to have his back...? Yes.
A flicker of memory, Link and Shadow leaving.
The anchor of his will wavered for a moment and he forced it still. No. NO. It was more complicated than that. Focus on who his boys were.
Link was the core of good, wanted to help and protect everyone. Shadow... Shadow couldn't see his own goodness, so Clef and Link had to see it for him. He could do that. He could be Shadow's anchor.
Link needed them for love, for a reminder that he was a person not just a tool of fate, not just a hero. But a boy, a friend, a son.
And Shadow needed them for something else. He needed people to believe in him. To help him see his own goodness, to help him believe in himself.
They needed him.
A faint impression of being told that people don't need people... but it was faint, like from a dream. And why would he have ever dreamed such a thing? Of course people needed people.
Of course?
Since when was that of course?
Memories of time spent in his tower, studying, broken by students coming to him or occasionally Presea breaking in and pointing out that no one had seen him in decades. He hadn't needed people then...
But then other memories answered those first, like they were fighting back... Sitting in the garden of their crystal castle with Zelda pouring over a tome and discussion potential ramifications of reincarnation on a sense of self.
A training session with Link that just wound up being more amusing than useful and yet... a dear memory and he felt...
A memory of watching Link and Shadow one time when the boys had been talking together in Naut. Nothing special or dramatic in that memory but the feeling was like the others...
He didn't have a word for the feeling, which was odd, because he was usually so good with words. But the closest he could come was... quiet. There was a quiet when they were around him. Not a silence, but a comforting quiet.
Absence. But... Absence was a negative word and odd when their presence was what triggered it. It was as if some of the constant worry and mania to study as much as he could to figure things out, to fix things... to solve things... that frantic panic always in the back of his head since that day before the princess...
He pulled away from that, back to his mental point, refusing to remember that look on her face, those tears that...
No! Focus, Clef. Pin it down. It is important to understand.
Why was it important to understand?
Link's stricken face. Shadow holding himself like he was expecting a blow... it was important because they needed him to figure it out. So he had to focus. He was the one who was supposed to have all the answers. So he needed to figure them out. So what was it, this absence by presence?
It was... all that manic... all that...
THIS. It was THIS.
This was quieter when they were with him and happy.
When whatever Storm or whatever it had been when they had been a happy family this... this was gone, this was absent. He worried and fretted and tried to fix things of course but not...
Not this.
But... was that selfish? To want to be with them when they were happy because it made him less functional? Made him stop working to figure out solutions to all their problems? Shouldn't being with them make him more desperate to find ways to help them, not more at ease...
Another memory. Far older. He was sitting with Presea on the floor of her basement, books surrounded them. He was helping her learn Pharle's craft. They were learning together. She was... she was getting it better than he was understanding it faster. Her work was cleaner. Better. He had been so desperate to learn, to understand... but the harder he tried the worse he was. But then she touched his hand, stilling it. "Clef, if you hammer the metal too much you don't make the shape better you just ruin the metal," she had said. Well, sh might not have been quite that kind, he knew his memories of Presea were often colored differently from reality, even back then.
Why?
Come back to that later. Hold onto the memory...
"Look, you're the one who pointed out pharling starts with the fundamentals of blacksmithing, even if everything we do is through magic and materials. Well, you're doing the magical equivalent of overhammering, so stop it."
"So I should just... give up on it?" he asked, disgusted with the misshapen lump had been turning into a gauntlet before melting down on him.
"Of course not. Nothing is so far broken we can't fix it," she said with a grin and a wink. "Just not now."
"Why not now?"
"Because now..." she pulled him to his feet as she got up, "Now we need to deal with Mokona..."
But it hadn't been about Mokona. She explained it later. It was about the break. Stepping back for a bit then returning to the task fresh.
A break.
But that wasn't right. Using them as a break, right? Wasn't it selfish to want to be around them just because he felt better when they were near and happy? Because after spending time with them he felt so much more capable?
But... it wasn't one way, was it? He helped them too. Didn't he? They liked being with him, they got something out of it too, didn't they?
He.. he thought Link did. And Zelda. But Shadow...?
What had he ever been able to do for Shadow?
His head hurt. But he kept pushing. Kept trying. What had he ever been able to do for Shadow but hurt him?
Hadn't he been trying for ages now to figure out something he had to offer the boy? He hadn't even been able to make him armor.
What could he ever give to Shadow that would matter?
Was... was loving him enough?
No. He knew the answer. It wasn't. But what could he do for Shadow? How could he make him see how much he loved him...?
No... that was the wrong. That was still about him, Clef. Not about Shadow. He needed to figure out what to do to help Shadow. But what could he ever do? What could he ever give to Shadow that Shadow would want?
Shadow... didn't want him. Didn't want him around.
He... he knew that. It hurt, but he knew that, had known that for a while. All he'd ever been able to do was keep his distance, letting Shadow choose when to come to him.
And he never had.
And Clef... Clef needed to come to terms with that. Because it wasn't Shadow's problem. It was his. He shouldn't keep trying, shouldn't hurt Shadow by letting Shadow see how he felt. This wasn't right, this wasn't good for Shadow.
But...
Wait. That....
If Shadow needed him and Link to see his good for him, to help him see for himself, then how could he also...
No.
No. He knew this. He needed to stop this argument. He needed to leave Shadow to Link. Because he wanted help from Link, loved Link, would accept help from Link. Was trying to help Shadow making Shadow resist being help? Was he hurting Shadow?
He.. he knew he was. That was why he kept trying to stay away. But... why was it so hard. Usually when he knew the right thing to do he could just do it. So why was it always so hard to do? Why did he always find himself thinking of things he wanted to say to Shadow? Things he wanted to show him? Why did he spend so long trying to figure out gifts for him when he knew that Shadow wouldn't want a gift from him...? Why did he still feel so guilty that he still hadn't come up with something anyway?
Memories of Shadow as actually his son, in the Storm or whatever. Being there with him when Shadow was sick, knowing both his sons loved him.
The boys leaving when they were saying things that he understood now but hadn't then...
Another memory, like a counterpoint. When his mind had been taken by Endos. They had been attacking the gate. Link was there, and Zelda. And him. And he had been sure, so sure they were doing the right thing. And then Shadow showed up. And there had been a moment... A moment where he had been sure that everything was finally... right.
And then Shadow took Zelda and... and he knew that there had to be something more going on that he didn't see. He hadn't suspected for a second the reality of it, but he had known KNOWN that Shadow would never hurt Zelda. No matter what. That he had been missing something. Even brainwashed he had been sure that Shadow would never hurt Zelda but... afraid that Link might hurt Shadow.
Why?
Why had that been his fear? Now, the know that may or may not be real... He couldn't see Link hurting Shadow. He couldn't see either of them hurting each other or Zelda. For anything. So why had he thought that way then?
He... needed to think about that. Later.
Of course he had been thinking about it since they had been broken free of that spell and still didn't have an answer.
But there was something that needed an answer now... something he had to... what? What? Why couldn't he remember... Shadow. He needed to...
All at once the much more recent memory hit him. Shadow coming to him in the library to talk to him and then...
And then....
Shadow saying he was selfish, not being able to focus on Shadow no matter how hard he tried. Pain. Pain and...
Something in him shied away, focused on the other side.
Shadow had come to him.
Shadow had wanted to speak to him and he...
He had wasted the opportunity.
A tear rolled down his face.
Shadow was right. He was selfish. Shadow should have had his full and complete attention. So why hadn't he...?
No. Wrong question. He needed to find Shadow, appologize and... and...
And then leave him alone? But if he came to him, did that mean...?
What did that mean?
Tears rolling he opened his eyes slowly, realizing that... he had no clue where he was or what had happened.....
Part 1
Those eyes widened with something very akin to shock. Then his lips moved over a single word, a name, silently. "Link."
His form shuttered again and shrank back to Clef's usual state as his mind spun.
Link. Link needed him. As long as Link still wanted him, he had to be there for Link. Had to be. It didn't matter if no one else needed him, so long as Link did. He had to be here for Link. Had to be there for his son.
Sons.
Zelda might not remember him but Link did. Shadow did.
Was Shadow real or an imposter?
His eyes closed as he realized... it didn't matter.
Were any of them themselves any more?How many times had forces entered his mind since he Woke, changing him? How many false memories became real? What of those books that suggested that those of them who Woke were fundamentally just copies in a functional sense? Otherwise going back to Sleep wouldn't rob them of all they learned. That they caused the Flaws going back Awake because they were no longer the them that belonged to their worlds...
So if this was a fake Shadow....
Then the only answer was to treat him like he wasn't a fake. Because if he was really there to do otherwise would hurt him terribly. And if he was a fake...
Fakes could become real.
He wouldn't ever take over being Shadow if he was a fake, but he could still be loved, still be family. To imitate Shadow he had to be like him to a degree. Had to be good.
If this was a fake and Shadow, the real Shadow, did show up, he could and would love them both. Trust them both.
Because there was no way to be so like Shadow without being so like Shadow. Either to start or in becoming, in being.
Link needed him.
Shadow... Shadow needed him.
His head started to clear as his will filled him again.
He still didn't know who he was these days. He'd been questioning that since his first Storm. So why should Shadow or Link or any of them be any different? Was this Shadow real? the question was impossible to answer. As impossible to answer as was the now real or just another Storm or mind attack?
That he could question made it more likely this was real... but there was no certainty. There hadn't been certainty for years now.
So he had to focus on the now, on the things he knew to be true now.
He loved Link. He loved Shadow. He loved Zelda. Shadow and Link remembered him. Zelda did not. They were on the train. He was Clef. Guru of Ceiphro. Ascended of Naut. Passenger on the train. Was it real?
No way to know.
But it was now. And he wasn't trying to kill anyone. So if it was false it was a less dangerous false than some had been.
He had to act as if the now was real until he could prove it was or wasn't.
Again he anchored what he knew of the now in his head. Link was here. Link needed him. He loved and trusted Link. With most things, anyway. He didn't trust the boy to take his homework seriously. But to have his back...? Yes.
A flicker of memory, Link and Shadow leaving.
The anchor of his will wavered for a moment and he forced it still. No. NO. It was more complicated than that. Focus on who his boys were.
Link was the core of good, wanted to help and protect everyone. Shadow... Shadow couldn't see his own goodness, so Clef and Link had to see it for him. He could do that. He could be Shadow's anchor.
Link needed them for love, for a reminder that he was a person not just a tool of fate, not just a hero. But a boy, a friend, a son.
And Shadow needed them for something else. He needed people to believe in him. To help him see his own goodness, to help him believe in himself.
They needed him.
A faint impression of being told that people don't need people... but it was faint, like from a dream. And why would he have ever dreamed such a thing? Of course people needed people.
Of course?
Since when was that of course?
Memories of time spent in his tower, studying, broken by students coming to him or occasionally Presea breaking in and pointing out that no one had seen him in decades. He hadn't needed people then...
But then other memories answered those first, like they were fighting back... Sitting in the garden of their crystal castle with Zelda pouring over a tome and discussion potential ramifications of reincarnation on a sense of self.
A training session with Link that just wound up being more amusing than useful and yet... a dear memory and he felt...
A memory of watching Link and Shadow one time when the boys had been talking together in Naut. Nothing special or dramatic in that memory but the feeling was like the others...
He didn't have a word for the feeling, which was odd, because he was usually so good with words. But the closest he could come was... quiet. There was a quiet when they were around him. Not a silence, but a comforting quiet.
Absence. But... Absence was a negative word and odd when their presence was what triggered it. It was as if some of the constant worry and mania to study as much as he could to figure things out, to fix things... to solve things... that frantic panic always in the back of his head since that day before the princess...
He pulled away from that, back to his mental point, refusing to remember that look on her face, those tears that...
No! Focus, Clef. Pin it down. It is important to understand.
Why was it important to understand?
Link's stricken face. Shadow holding himself like he was expecting a blow... it was important because they needed him to figure it out. So he had to focus. He was the one who was supposed to have all the answers. So he needed to figure them out. So what was it, this absence by presence?
It was... all that manic... all that...
THIS. It was THIS.
This was quieter when they were with him and happy.
When whatever Storm or whatever it had been when they had been a happy family this... this was gone, this was absent. He worried and fretted and tried to fix things of course but not...
Not this.
But... was that selfish? To want to be with them when they were happy because it made him less functional? Made him stop working to figure out solutions to all their problems? Shouldn't being with them make him more desperate to find ways to help them, not more at ease...
Another memory. Far older. He was sitting with Presea on the floor of her basement, books surrounded them. He was helping her learn Pharle's craft. They were learning together. She was... she was getting it better than he was understanding it faster. Her work was cleaner. Better. He had been so desperate to learn, to understand... but the harder he tried the worse he was. But then she touched his hand, stilling it. "Clef, if you hammer the metal too much you don't make the shape better you just ruin the metal," she had said. Well, sh might not have been quite that kind, he knew his memories of Presea were often colored differently from reality, even back then.
Why?
Come back to that later. Hold onto the memory...
"Look, you're the one who pointed out pharling starts with the fundamentals of blacksmithing, even if everything we do is through magic and materials. Well, you're doing the magical equivalent of overhammering, so stop it."
"So I should just... give up on it?" he asked, disgusted with the misshapen lump had been turning into a gauntlet before melting down on him.
"Of course not. Nothing is so far broken we can't fix it," she said with a grin and a wink. "Just not now."
"Why not now?"
"Because now..." she pulled him to his feet as she got up, "Now we need to deal with Mokona..."
But it hadn't been about Mokona. She explained it later. It was about the break. Stepping back for a bit then returning to the task fresh.
A break.
But that wasn't right. Using them as a break, right? Wasn't it selfish to want to be around them just because he felt better when they were near and happy? Because after spending time with them he felt so much more capable?
But... it wasn't one way, was it? He helped them too. Didn't he? They liked being with him, they got something out of it too, didn't they?
He.. he thought Link did. And Zelda. But Shadow...?
What had he ever been able to do for Shadow?
His head hurt. But he kept pushing. Kept trying. What had he ever been able to do for Shadow but hurt him?
Hadn't he been trying for ages now to figure out something he had to offer the boy? He hadn't even been able to make him armor.
What could he ever give to Shadow that would matter?
Was... was loving him enough?
No. He knew the answer. It wasn't. But what could he do for Shadow? How could he make him see how much he loved him...?
No... that was the wrong. That was still about him, Clef. Not about Shadow. He needed to figure out what to do to help Shadow. But what could he ever do? What could he ever give to Shadow that Shadow would want?
Shadow... didn't want him. Didn't want him around.
He... he knew that. It hurt, but he knew that, had known that for a while. All he'd ever been able to do was keep his distance, letting Shadow choose when to come to him.
And he never had.
And Clef... Clef needed to come to terms with that. Because it wasn't Shadow's problem. It was his. He shouldn't keep trying, shouldn't hurt Shadow by letting Shadow see how he felt. This wasn't right, this wasn't good for Shadow.
But...
Wait. That....
If Shadow needed him and Link to see his good for him, to help him see for himself, then how could he also...
No.
No. He knew this. He needed to stop this argument. He needed to leave Shadow to Link. Because he wanted help from Link, loved Link, would accept help from Link. Was trying to help Shadow making Shadow resist being help? Was he hurting Shadow?
He.. he knew he was. That was why he kept trying to stay away. But... why was it so hard. Usually when he knew the right thing to do he could just do it. So why was it always so hard to do? Why did he always find himself thinking of things he wanted to say to Shadow? Things he wanted to show him? Why did he spend so long trying to figure out gifts for him when he knew that Shadow wouldn't want a gift from him...? Why did he still feel so guilty that he still hadn't come up with something anyway?
Memories of Shadow as actually his son, in the Storm or whatever. Being there with him when Shadow was sick, knowing both his sons loved him.
The boys leaving when they were saying things that he understood now but hadn't then...
Another memory, like a counterpoint. When his mind had been taken by Endos. They had been attacking the gate. Link was there, and Zelda. And him. And he had been sure, so sure they were doing the right thing. And then Shadow showed up. And there had been a moment... A moment where he had been sure that everything was finally... right.
And then Shadow took Zelda and... and he knew that there had to be something more going on that he didn't see. He hadn't suspected for a second the reality of it, but he had known KNOWN that Shadow would never hurt Zelda. No matter what. That he had been missing something. Even brainwashed he had been sure that Shadow would never hurt Zelda but... afraid that Link might hurt Shadow.
Why?
Why had that been his fear? Now, the know that may or may not be real... He couldn't see Link hurting Shadow. He couldn't see either of them hurting each other or Zelda. For anything. So why had he thought that way then?
He... needed to think about that. Later.
Of course he had been thinking about it since they had been broken free of that spell and still didn't have an answer.
But there was something that needed an answer now... something he had to... what? What? Why couldn't he remember... Shadow. He needed to...
All at once the much more recent memory hit him. Shadow coming to him in the library to talk to him and then...
And then....
Shadow saying he was selfish, not being able to focus on Shadow no matter how hard he tried. Pain. Pain and...
Something in him shied away, focused on the other side.
Shadow had come to him.
Shadow had wanted to speak to him and he...
He had wasted the opportunity.
A tear rolled down his face.
Shadow was right. He was selfish. Shadow should have had his full and complete attention. So why hadn't he...?
No. Wrong question. He needed to find Shadow, appologize and... and...
And then leave him alone? But if he came to him, did that mean...?
What did that mean?
Tears rolling he opened his eyes slowly, realizing that... he had no clue where he was or what had happened.....