We're trying so hard to get it all right

[shadowcourage]

Who: Shadow Link, Clef, selected individuals
Where: Training Gym Carriage
When: Merriment 21
What: Emotional Drama
Warnings: Very emotional arguments that involve family.

Shadow knew himself. He had to know himself. If he wanted to be more than a shadow, he had to be aware of his own shortcomings and compensate for them so he could stay on the track that was important to him.

He had known for years Clef didn't understand that. Its why he had kept him at a distance on purpose. He couldn't risk someone being close who didn't understand that.

But he supposed the danger of trying to be a person is person things happened, like emotions sneaking up on you. It was unfortunate. It just meant he had to be more aware of his own feelings. He had to keep the hurt away from his heart.

But Link and Clef have never been able to talk and....

He couldn't stand Link being hurt more.

So he had to try something.

Which is why when he finds Clef during his exploration, he decides its time to try.

"Come with me," he said flatly, in a tone that isn't likely to listen to argument.

Comments

[guru_clef]

"It was a book about your world! And I spoke to everyone who would speak to me from there! I would have visited as well if it was safe! If I thought I could do so without causing a flaw! We were planning a controlled trip! And again, My world, Naut, so many of the Storms, Will seems omnipresent as the driving force of everything! I've never seen any proof that there are worlds where it is not! And a fairly large body of proof for where it is! That is like saying I am presuming air is important because I breathe it! I see you and Link breathing it too, I see it in every world we have been to! Even when we needed magical help to get it, there was no denying it was crucial to survival!"

"And I was not refusing to be helped! I was trying desperately too understand, but yu two kept jumping from topic to topic from strategy to strategy so fast that every time it felt like I thought I might have a grasp on some faint understanding, it was just gone again! I kept begging that we all just sit and talk! Why couldn't we have just started from the top and just talked?! Calmly, rationally, figuring out together what was real! Why was I unwilling to listen or bad or whatever it was you thought I was just because I was still trapped? I WAS TRYING TA UNDERSTAND AN NEITHER OF YA COULD GIVE ME TWO WHOLE SECONDS TA JUS THINK!"

He winced. He had been doing so much better about his temper, and his accent. He was mad at himself for letting both slip. Link said it, he was supposed to be the father. And Shadow had made it clear to him that his own temper was not allowed, needed to be shoved to the side if he wanted to be a good father.

He was TRYING to learn. He was trying his hardest. That his best wasn't enough was a yet. He could always improve. He was trying to improve. He was studying as hard as he could. But none of the books helped with any of this!

"I NEVER CHOSE TO JUST GIVE UP AND DIE..." Well accent was under control. But the temper...

He struggled to pull it in, to try and shove his anger away where it wouldn't hurt Shadow. Or Link. "I am trying to learn! And I do question everything! But there are only so many minutes in each hour! Trust me, if I had a spell that let me follow every question and study every subject all at once all the time, do you think for a moment I wouldn't use it!? I AM TRYING!"

But everyone kept expecting him to learn faster, to be there already. Learning, proper learning took time. An unimportant skill could take easily a hundred years to gain a firm understanding. Important ones, like how to be a good father, how to fight the mind control.... those... it made sense for them to take longer! He'd been alone for centuries for the most part. He'd had his new family for less than a decade. But they expected him to have figured everything out by now! Learning didn't happen that fast! Not with things that mattered, especially! And right now nothing mattered more than Link, Shadow, Zelda, and learning how to protect and be there for all of them!

All he ever asked of Link was that he try, that he not give up. Clef himself was trying. But somehow that was never what anyone seemed to want of him. He knew how to study. He was very good at it. It was one of the few things he was confident at. He knew how to learn. And it took time, magic bless it!

[shadowcourage]

Shadow had to stare at that. "Clef...the storms were part of the system Nautilus is. Did ya not get that?" He asked. "Because yer sample size is literally two places. Nautilus' realm and yer home. Did ya ever actually research the worlds in the dream or did ya just look at what was literally in front of ya? Also I don't need to breathe. I mimic the motions because I'm a shadow. I don't even need it to talk. Which seems...a fitting metaphor for my point."

Shadow scoffed. "Which also proves ya don't listen. Ya can't talk yer way out of mind magic. Even going by different rules, the only way its gonna be effective is if it uses logic against the brain. The brain is great at justifying things. Anyone whose even a little good at it knows to push the story that the person will believe. Take a guard? Well, they're guarding something and their former friend is a traitor, or an impostor. Need a villager? Well, their friend needs their help with something. And ya? Considering ya can't even admit I'm not yer son under normal circumstances, ya weren't gonna let go of yer little fantasy with logic. But no, can't believe Shadow on the thing he did for months at a distance on several individuals. I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about, right?" There is definite bitterness and resentment in his voice.

"I WAS LITERALLY WATCHING YA DIE!" Shadow shouted back, whole form turning black for a few moments. "I couldn't even go to get help after I started to investigate because the smallest push was enough to send ya even deeper into the abyss! YA! GAVE! UP!"

"And the only way yer not gonna is if ya admit it and decide to be better because running away from yer flaws and weaknesses just make them worse," he snarled, color returning.

"Even now, yer doing it again. Ya won't listen to me, about things I know, about what I saw. Ya have never once respected my opinion if it didn't fit yer world view. 'Shadow is a good brother, so he understands Link.' Anything outside of that definition, ya have just told me how I am wrong and mistaken, even when its about myself. I keep trying to help ya, because I care about Link and he cares about ya, and I was caring about ya too, until ya made it abundantly clear ya have never tried to know me. Not once. And its just a great metaphor for how ya are, Clef. If it doesn't fit the worldview ya WANT, it isn't worth knowing at all," he said.

He crossed his arms, voice cold. "And that's why we're not family. I won't be that close with anyone who refuses to look at me."

[guru_clef]

He had started to gather his reply, his points, what he was going to say as he listened until what Shadow said about not needing to breath knocked the rest away for a moment. He had to fight with his natural intellectual curiosity which became absorbed in wondering not only how that worked, but how it could be magically replicated. Because this was not the time. But it was fascinating. There was a rather large part of him that wanted to know more.

But the rest of him, the larger part thankfully, was trying very hard to focus on Shadow and what Shadow was saying. "Of course I want to do better! to overcome my flaws! I know I have flaws, everyone does. Why do you think I have been studying so hard on how to protect all of us from mind control?! I know it is one of my weakest points! But I can't just find a solution that only works for me. I need... I have to find a way to protect all of us. Keep us all safe!"

"What do you mean I have never respected your opinion? I have worked so hard, am still working so hard to reshape how I talk and react based on WHAT YOU SAID TO ME! I have tried many times to get to know you! I want to know you!" He looked right at him, desperation in his eyes. "Just because I see you differently than you see yourself does not mean I do not see you, Shadow! I am sure you see me differently than how I see me, we both see Link differently from how he sees himself and differently from how each other sees him! That doesn't make any of the views invalid! And it does not mean I am not desperately trying to get to know you!"

He took a deep breath. He had to say this now, he might never be given another chance. "You made it clear you wanted me to keep my distance, so I have been doing my best to do that, to wait until you WANTED to talk to me. I have been trying this whole time to respect your wishes. So what does that leave me to see? What Zelda and Link say about you, and how you are with them when we're all together! How often you push yourself for their sakes, push aside what you want, for them. You even just said now that you're here to help Link! So why are you so surprised that I see you as a good brother to him and a good person!? You said you wanted to care for me, that is what I wanted too! I have been doing my best to do what you have made it clear you want because I WAS LISTENING!"

[shadowcourage]

"Studying real hard, 'cause ya never asked me once about it. Did ya even ask Zelda? Link doesn't know a lot of magic, but both of us know some pretty big stuff. At least she should," Shadow said flatly. "Also good luck finding books on the subject considering how much of the time feels like a fever dream, especially when yer fighting it. But wow, literally step one would be 'hey Shadow, can ya help us practice?' Use that dark magic for good after all the bad ya did."

"How ya talk to LINK because me being a good brother fit yer world view," Shadow said. "But when it comes to me or things I know outside of that? Don't see a whole lot of that. And the thing about seeing someone differently from how they see themselves? It takes understanding how they see themselves and why. Because then ya can explain yer point and maybe they'll learn something new. Like Link did."

"But ya have never understood why I see myself the way I do. The fact ya didn't even pick up I don't need to breathe is telling of how much ya've paid attention to what I am and what that means. And as for that talking to ya thing? Yer still on that? Because last I checked, ya got that impression when I rejected ya when I was actively lying to Link and Zelda. And I explained that's why I was the way I was in the library. But of course. Of course ya were too obsessed with feeling sorry for yerself to realize that my aggression, in fact, had nothing to do with ya. And everything to do with the lies I was telling and the trouble I wanted to avoid," Shadow said, leaning forward, hair darker, eyes redder.

"Because if we're talking flaws, that's the big one, Clef. Yer egostical. If it doesn't have to do with ya, then clearly its wrong. I can't be doing things because I'm worried about others, its cause I hate ya. Link can't be leaving to keep me calm, its because he's abandoning ya. Things can't be different from yer world because why would it be? Thoughts ya hate can't be an intruder, because ya would clearly know it is. Thoughts that make ya despair can't be dark manipulations, no, its just ya losing hope, so ya might as well die right there," he said, voice a low, angry hiss.

[guru_clef]

"Of course I asked Zelda! And I do know how you see yourself, or I thought I did! That's what has me so worried! But what you are doesn't matter as much as WHO you are, Shadow. Yes, maybe I thought you needed to breathe too, but it's not like that's the kind of thing people ask each other!"

Why did people keep accusing him of having an ego?! There was nothing wrong with understanding his own abilities and power and his own worth! But that didn't mean he saw things the way Shadow said he did! No more than anyone else, anyway! "I never said everything had to be about me, not once! And everyone has thoughts they don't like and argue with themselves! Why should I have thought that was manipulation? By questioning we learn and grow! And I am as allowed to be upset as anyone, aren't I? I work so hard to keep my temper in check, but now I'm not allowed to be upset at all? How is that any kind of reasonable!?"

[shadowcourage]

"What I am does matter for who I am! Its pretty inherent considering I'm the only one of my kind like me I've ever heard about!" Shadow said, throwing up his arms in frustration. "Ya can't divorce the who and the what when the what is a pretty hard thing to make a who out of!"

"Ya don't have to say it, ya act like it. And if ya can't notice when there are weird thoughts, ya will never be able to resist mind control because the ones to fear are the ones who try to not be noticed. Not everyone is gonna go 'bleh, I control ya now,'" he said with a scoff. "And yer allowed to be hurt, yer allowed to be upset. Yer NOT allowed to put the responsibility of being in the situation on yer son. It was the person in control of Diagad and yer own inability to fight back, not Link."