voidtreckerexpress | We're trying so hard to get it all right

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We're trying so hard to get it all right

Who: Shadow Link, Clef, selected individuals
Where: Training Gym Carriage
When: Merriment 21
What: Emotional Drama
Warnings: Very emotional arguments that involve family.

Shadow knew himself. He had to know himself. If he wanted to be more than a shadow, he had to be aware of his own shortcomings and compensate for them so he could stay on the track that was important to him.

He had known for years Clef didn't understand that. Its why he had kept him at a distance on purpose. He couldn't risk someone being close who didn't understand that.

But he supposed the danger of trying to be a person is person things happened, like emotions sneaking up on you. It was unfortunate. It just meant he had to be more aware of his own feelings. He had to keep the hurt away from his heart.

But Link and Clef have never been able to talk and....

He couldn't stand Link being hurt more.

So he had to try something.

Which is why when he finds Clef during his exploration, he decides its time to try.

"Come with me," he said flatly, in a tone that isn't likely to listen to argument.

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"That's the point, Clef. People are people; every person is an individual, and Shadow is even more unique than that."

"Well yes. That is why thinking about people as individuals is about emotion. But you keep saying I've gotten that wrong too!"

"Except it isn't all emotions. What a person is has an effect. Some more than others. You look at me like a Hylian. I'm not," he said.

"No, I look at you as a person!" He burst out, unable to help himself. "It doesn't matter to me if you're from Hyrule, or Ceiphro, or Naut, or anyone else! I look at you like you're you!"

"Except...Clef...I don't know that you do."

"He doesn't. Ya don't. Looking at me means acknowledging what I am and what that means," Shadow said coldly. "Ya know, when I was lying to Link and Zelda, it wasn't even I felt bad for lying. It was knowing they would never see me as long as I was that really hurt. It was always that, that tempted me to be honest."

"What you are has far more to do with who you are than anything else! Your heart, your will! What you do and why."

"Clef, he's telling you right now about the 'what' and the 'why'. He's told you before."

"My heart is darkness!" Shadow snapped angrily, the lights growing dim. "What I am at my core is darkness. It's hate and fear and bitterness! A mindless creature that harbors all the dark that doesn't survive in the light of a person's heart, what is buried, which a hero has a lot of, that follows their owner for their life. That is what a shadow is. That is what I am without my....freakish, anomalous ability to actually think for myself. But just 'cause I can decide to be different does not change. What. I. Am! It doesn't make any of that go away!"

"Except that is exactly what you have done, Shadow! What you are doing! You are so much more than fear and hate and bitterness! You said it yourself! You chose to be different! To be the wonderful person we have all had the pleasure and honor of getting to know! Thinking for yourself, choosing for yourself, using your Will to be who it is you want to be! That is so much more important than how you began!"

Link kept quiet for a moment, putting a hand on Shadow's shoulder. He wondered if maybe they needed some outside help. Someone not as involved to explain things.

"But it doesn't change what I am! I'm not a good person, I just have enough reason to be good. I have reason to be someone better, but ya don't know me because ya insist I'm something I'm not! Yer the one who insists I wouldn't have hurt ya on Diagad when both Link and I know that was a strong possibility!" He throws up his hands in frustration. "That's part of why I love Sapling that has nothing to with with my Owner! He accepts that and helps me avoid slipping into easy instinct! I know I can trust him to forgive me for being tempted and help choose the right thing!"

"That is part of what makes a good person! Choosing to be good! For some people being good is as natural as being short, or being bipedal. But for some, being good is like being a pharle. You don't just wake up one day and you are a pharle with all the knowledge and skill needed! It is a choice. A series of choices. It is work. And effort. It is choices, and continual application of Will! Presea is not less of a Pharle because she had to work at it. And you are not less of a good person because you have to work at it!"

"You're ignoring him again. You're ignoring the whole we had to leave so I didn't have to end up pulling him off of you issue. You don't appreciate how hard he's working, Clef."

Link buried his head in his hands. "I think. I think we might need outside help," he said to Shadow, somewhat muffled by his hands. "Who else from Nautilus is still on board?"

"Ya insist I wouldn't have. That what Link and I thought was wrong, but it wasn't. Ya think I have some inherent goodness that would have stopped me. I don't," Shadow said, sullen. "Especially when I'm hurt."

He looks at Link. "...probably a good idea. I can't...I can't do this when it's my own hurt too..." He's great at reading and understanding negative emotions, but he has to be an outsider to find the solution. "Leia, at least. Also the cat is on the roster, but considering his personhood issues...."

"I do appreciate how hard he is working, but I think you are both selling him short, Link. Shadow I know that you work hard, I think you are stronger than you realize. I trust your self control, even if you do not."

“Leia would be good. He might listen to her.”

Link lifted his head and gave Clef a hard look. “Stop. He literally just said his feelings are hurt. To keep insisting you’re right isn’t love of any kind. You’re so keen on being right that our feelings don’t matter at all.”

The hero stood up, looking miserable. “Clef. We need to find someone you might respect enough to listen to. If you hear from a third person, maybe…”

He tried again. “Maybe you’ll start to understand us better. The real us.”

"I know how far my self control goes when tested. Ya don't," Shadow said coolly.

He sighs, standing up and he's going to reach for Link's arm. "Leia knows how to listen, at least, and I think she'll be good at explaining stuff. And she knows I can be a mess of something, so it wouldn't be the worse to explain a few things to her."

Maybe not the whole truth, because that is a lot, but he thinks he could get enough to get his own point across.

"Of course your feelings hurt. But believing in you is supposed to make you feel better! Encourage with honesty!" That was what the books had said...

"I respect and love you both and I am listening!" But they were just going in circles and things seemed to be getting worse, not better. and he didn't know how to fix any of it...

Link shut his eyes and took a deep breath so he didn't snap at Clef. Shadow's hand on his arm helped, and he was able to keep steady, as he opened his eyes again.

"We're going to go get Leia. We'll let her know what's...what's been going on, and maybe she can help." Link paused and sighed.

"This is not us abandoning you. This is not me rejecting you. This is what someone has to do when something isn't working. Find a new approach." Another deep breath.

He wanted very badly to add: "So please, in the name of Nayru, don't crawl somewhere and try to die, like you did back in the city?" But, he decided not to, as it certainly wouldn't have helped matters.

Shadow gritted his teeth. He just wasn't listening, not really. He kept a hold of Link. It was easier to be calm if he was close to Link, to keep the negative feelings at bay.

His brother was here and understood and that is Enough.

But he's still not as kind as Link. "So don't just give up again." For a third time, he knows. "The least ya can do is match effort." A sullen, bitter tone, something tired and he gently tugs Link to the door.

"I will... be here or in the library," he said softly. "I love you both. Just... remember that. Okay?" He'll talk to Leia. He'll talk to whoever they want him to talk to.

Link nodded silently at Clef, allowing Shadow to pull him towards and through the door.

It was good that at that moment he didn’t know about Clef’s earlier breakdown/near death experience.

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We're trying so hard to get it all right

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