voidtreckerexpress | We're trying so hard to get it all right

Entry tags:

We're trying so hard to get it all right

Who: Shadow Link, Clef, selected individuals
Where: Training Gym Carriage
When: Merriment 21
What: Emotional Drama
Warnings: Very emotional arguments that involve family.

Shadow knew himself. He had to know himself. If he wanted to be more than a shadow, he had to be aware of his own shortcomings and compensate for them so he could stay on the track that was important to him.

He had known for years Clef didn't understand that. Its why he had kept him at a distance on purpose. He couldn't risk someone being close who didn't understand that.

But he supposed the danger of trying to be a person is person things happened, like emotions sneaking up on you. It was unfortunate. It just meant he had to be more aware of his own feelings. He had to keep the hurt away from his heart.

But Link and Clef have never been able to talk and....

He couldn't stand Link being hurt more.

So he had to try something.

Which is why when he finds Clef during his exploration, he decides its time to try.

"Come with me," he said flatly, in a tone that isn't likely to listen to argument.

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"People who get feel like they have nothing to live for. I've done that." He is just saying. He knows how people can do that, having done it.

"He's always had control issues. Thoughts on how things should be. He doesn't know how to admit when he doesn't have it, how he could be wrong. And he's reacting in the worst way possible," Shadow said.

"Yer mad and yer hurt. Its hard to show affection when that happens. Just means ya need space to breathe and sort out how ya feel," he said. "Yer allowed and deserve that."

"I don't know what to do for him. I can't lie to him and tell him I'd do things differently a second time."

Link let out a long sigh. "It doesn't feel like I deserve it. But, at the same time, I can't be his father."

"Link." Shadow pulls back enough to look in Link's eyes, hands going tonthe sides of his face. "If we had stayed, the chances got real high I was going to actually lash out at him and once that starts, I don't think I could stop unless ya made me stop and that woulda hurt ya and him and me."

"Ya made the right choice. Especially when I don't know if I could have even tried to leave on my own after that and be okay." He lowers his hands finally.

"And ya deserve to feel yer hurt. He has to recognize that ya can't always be the self sacrificing hero who doesn't suffer and so do ya."

Link chewed his lip. “I…I do know. That’s what I figured, and I tried to explain that to him. He didn’t believe it.”

He took a deep breath. “It’s, uh, a new one to get a negative critique from someone I’ve helped. Other than Ruto, but, I can’t really compare him to her.

I’m trying. To do better with my own feelings.”

"Cause he sees some perfect version of me that doesn't exist," Shadow said with a sigh. "Ya helped the one ya could help. He wasn't breaking."

Shadow hummed, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and leading him off to the side to sit to the side of the gym since that was likely where he was.

"Ya didn't deserve it. Ya were making the best choice ya could in the circumstances."

"I know. That's why I want to tell ya that ya deserve it. So ya keep doing it. I'm glad yer trying, I know its hard." He knows better then anyone how hard it is for a hero to think of themselves first.

"He's really...incredibly egotistical." Link knew he wasn't perfect, not by a long stretch. He knew he could be impulsive and reckless and that his lack of self-care worried those who cared about him.

"I also think he's jealous." He shook his head. "Maybe that's the wrong word for it...but, I don't know. Feels like he is. Jealous that I helped you, jealous that I helped other people after we left..."

It was incredibly hard for Link to think about his own feelings. And having tried to discuss them with Clef and having that conversation implode, didn't make things any easier for him.

"I'm okay. I mean it. I'm hurt, but, I'm okay. I just need to do some thinking, y'know?"

"He is. I think its why he struggles with failure so much, egosticals sorts usually do," Shadow said. Which is a bit from knowing from experience.

"Jealous that ya helped me?" Shadow said, looking surprised at that. Because why would people be jealous of him ever????

"Hmmm....okay. Just remember I'm here for ya," Shadow said, squeezing his shoulder. "We're brothers and I just....I want to do all I can so ya'll be okay."

"I think he is. I just can't tell if he's aware of it or not."

Link nodded with a lopsided smile. "I'm getting more okay. I just have to keep telling myself it's not intentional."

"Link. Trust me when I say he is not aware in the least," Shadow said. "I have see a lot of deluded people with more self awareness then him."

"Hmmm, still hurts though. Makes it understandable, but ya don't have to forgice before yer ready," he said.

Link tried and failed to fight back a laugh on that one. "Okay, you have a point."

He nodded, his expression growing more serious. "I just...I just want him to be the dad. To not expect me to be the one to go looking for him all the time, to at least try to understand sometimes."

"Seriously, who knew someone could get that old and not know what a clue was," Shadow said with a snicker.

Shadow smiled sadly and nodded. "I know. I mean, that was why I kept him at a distance. I knew he had a hard time understanding....and I knew I needed that. It wouldn't work without it. I kind of hoped with ya being a legitimately good person, he would have an easier time."

"Probably because it's not in a book."

Link sighed. "Yeah, I--I'm not really sure he even understands me."

"Probably."

"I wonder if there's another person he does understand," Shadow said, leaning against him.

"I don't know. I don't think so. He still doesn't understand why his Zagato took their princess. Even after he came to Nautilus and explained things. And Clef still killed the guy...."

That was another entire issue on its own, one that Link really wasn't ready to tackle. Morally, he found it abhorrent. But as it had happened in Nautilus, Link presumed the fellow had returned to a Gate and then had gone back to Sleep.

Link sighed. "I don't think he understands people. Too many outside factors that you can't read about in books. And then when you factor in other cultures and other worlds, he's....not as learned as he likes to think he is."

"....wait, seriously?" He paused. "Why did he kidnap her?"

"Said they were in love. That she was trapped trying to keep their whole world going with her prayers."

Link hesitated. "I believe him. It made sense. He wasn't looking for sympathy or support. He was just stating facts. He was angry, and it made sense that he was angry. It made sense that he'd hate a world and system set up to depend on one person alone, a person who didn't get to have a life outside of prayer. Especially if he loved her."

He frowned. "Goddesses, is that the entire issue? That Clef doesn't understand love?"

Shadow listened and....

That bitter resentment grew. Ah. So that might have been it. It would explain a lot.

"I mean, we know he doesn't. He thinks love is a purely good thing and it ain't. Love is a powerful thing, and like all powerful things, perfectly capable of evil as well as good. Pretty sure light isn't used for evil back home rests solely on the fact it isn't something many can use," Shadow said.

"It certainly explains why he tells himself I'm a good person who was misguided instead of the truth. Pretty similar. Loved someone enough where burning the world sounded like a great idea," Shadow muttered.

Edited 2021-08-15 12:47 (UTC)

"I'm not even sure if he's had any friends. Peers, I mean, like...equals. Not students or whatever."

If Clef had even ever been a child. Link was starting to doubt it. He knew the man didn't remember his own parents, which, given circumstances, Link couldn't hold that against him. So those early types of loves, did they even happen for Clef?

Link exhaled slowly. "He sets standards that no one could possibly live up to. It's terrifying and hurtful. I'm not a scholar no matter how many books he shoves my way. He sorta sees people how he wants them to be."

"Just threw himself in all his books and trying to be a powerful magic user. Not too many could be on summoning savior levels," Shadow said. "Also why he'd trap himself at ten. Not many well adjusted people would choose that."

"He sets standards that people fail immediately. He assumes yer gonna be like a kid the books say, he acts like I'm some hero type who just thinks badly of himself. Instead yer nowhere near close to any kind of kid with weird maturity and immaturity levels and I just know what parts of me that struggle with trying to be good. He paints these pictures in his head and he won't see the truth of them," he said, burying his face against Link's shoulder.

"That's apparently a cultural thing. His world is a little weird. If you had to be stuck at an age, I'd personally think sometime in a person's twenties would be ideal, but, there's a lot to be said for looking old and crusty too."

Link shared Shadow's frustration there. It was frustrating in his own situation, sure, but, he felt it more acutely on his brother's behalf. He wanted Clef to be able to see Shadow's efforts for how hard they really were. Not just take them for granted.

He put his arm around Shadow and sighed. "Probably wouldn't have been such an issue if I'd been an uglier kid." It was a thin attempt at humor.

"They get their people stuck at ten? Seriously? Who wants to spend centuries regularly trying to reach the top shelves of things," Shadow said. "Twenties definitely makes more sense. Hermits do get listened to a lot more though."

It was certainly part of his resentment. He wanted things to be better for Link, of course. But to be told hus efforts were easy, its natural for him to be good...it just felt like insult to injury.

"Too adorable to be anything other then a perfect angel, huh?" Shadow said with a small, slightly amused huff.

"The earlier they stop aging the more powerful, or something like that. But, there's a lot to be said for aging gracefully. Gosh, I'm not sure anyone would take the Lake Professor seriously if he looked like a kid...."

He snorted. "That, and, I'm pretty sure no one would have tried to adopt me. Ugly kid who runs around armed to the teeth and plays with explosives? Probably a non-issue."

"So they want their strongest to be beaten by shelves," Shadow said flatly. "What happens with a naturally gifted kid ends up as a toddler? Or a kid playing? They ever think that through?"

"Clearly took a few too many blasts, can't trust that in a home. Ya just got cursed with good looks," Shadow said. "Not that I can complain too much. At least its working out better for your descendants. Puppy dog eyes were very helpful in getting out of trouble."

"If I'm understanding correctly, it's a willpower thing. They can stop and start aging, if they're powerful enough. But, yeah. I'd prefer being able to reach things."

He snorted a laugh. "Funny thing, puppy dog eyes do nothing in a society of all children." Link paused. "Okay, maybe on Saria. But, not generally."

"And he....just keeps being ten." That was a long pause. "He really is egosticalbto stay ten that long just to say how strong he is."

"That is yer downfall. Meanwhile my owner got out of so much trouble for years that way. Just got worse with Red. A shame I was never alone with him, I might have heel turned sooner," he said. "Downright adorable."

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