Chewing On More Than The Meal - OTA

[najaran]

Who: Najaran, open
Where: Garden Car
When: Every day starting from the first day of the mission until the day before platform.
What: Having discovered she can't go onto this mission, Najaran has a lot to think about, and is throwing herself into chores while she does.
Warnings: Angst, trauma mentions, probably violence mentions, emotionally heavy topics possible.



Najaran had been warned before other missions - and then kept off of them - when the world was hostile without her SCA. This time she had tried to avoid everyone who might have stopped her and...

it was bad.

She made it back to the train and laid down a while to recover, but then she had a lot to think about. And she wasn't used to sitting still and brooding. So while she thought she threw herself into chores, so the people on the mission would come back to clean clothes and fresh food.

The way she saw it there were two main issues.

One was that she refused to be pulled away when she could still help, when people still needed her. But like this, she wasn't able to help anyone at all.

But she realized that... that wasn't the only issue. Because even if she wore the SCA... on a world like this, she was still less than useless, she was a liability.


Because even if the SCA protected her... that didn't guarantee it would protect her friends. She wouldn't let them suffer just so she could go out and...

And what?

Could she value her friends over strangers? Could she value strangers over her friends?

It would kill her if Thunderbeak or Knight or one of the others died because the world itself was hostile to them and she insisted on being there to help. But if she went to help with the SCA and didn't summon her friends.... What then? What skills did she actually have that could help anyone other than being a Cepter?

None.

She would just be someone the others had to protect.

She couldn't even bring Goligan for his wisdom, he had been as bad off as she'd been, practically. Without her cards, without Goligan, she was just a teenaged girl. She could do chores, but what was she going to do? Scrub windows at the monsters?

A tear rolled down her face as she cut the vegetables for the stew she was making. She would blame the onions. And yes, she was still cooking in the Garden Car over an open fire.

After Kigi had died, Najaran hadn't quite minded becoming a virtual slave for a few days, because the chores helped keep her mind off of having lost her friend.

But that was the sort of thing time could heal, could ease. Time spent with Gargoyle and Wall Of Stone, listening to their stories about Kigi. Time spent telling her friends here about what Kigi did, what her people did, to save the world.

But there was nothing time or talking could do about the fact that without her cards she was a klutzy glutton. Sure she could fight with a sword, and she could use a shield, if she had to. But not for long. She just didn't have the upper body strength. Or the coordination. She wasn't Joaquin, she couldn't make potions and elixirs for any problem. She wasn't clever Atla with strategies and courage and fire arm skills. She wasn't Ganz who could swing an axe as large as he was and throw people around like rag dolls. She wasn't Kigi, able to shoot a bow and arrows. She didn't even know if you said shoot a bow or shoot arrows. Ad even if she did, she didn't have a bow. Or arrows.

She had spell cards, but she was forbidden to use those. Because she messed things up whenever she tried.

Because she was useless as anything other than either a Cepter or a servant.

After the first day, Goligan had stopped arguing with her, because what was the point? She wasn't listening. The man-headed cane rested against the huge suit of armor that was helping to peel and cut and otherwise prepare from his seated position in the corner. Naja's smaller creatures stayed close to her whenever they weren't running and fetching for her. Except Woodfolk who was hiding in the soil.

Najaran hardly noticed when people came and went, hardly realized when the days changed over, just got up and went back to chores and brooding. She was still careful with the fire, and to not cut herself or burn herself but otherwise, she was working mechanically, more focused inward than outward.

She didn't even notice when people had come back...

Comments

[najaran]

"What does he want you to call him?" she asked as she started trimming the fat on the meat to cook separately, since he had the vegetables in hand.

[sevenyearsasleep]

"I...I think dad. But, sometimes, it's hard."

He carefully cut the vegetables into nice evenly sized pieces.

[najaran]

"Why is it hard?" she asked, curious.

[sevenyearsasleep]

"I'm not sure," Link admitted. "But, it's...I dunno. Part of it, I don't want to be rejected for it. And I also know that someday, I'm going to end up dying, and I'm pretty sure that'll be a long time before he does.....it's complicated."

[najaran]

"If he wants you to call him dad, why would you be rejected for it?" she asked, totally confused. "and besides, if you think you're going to die soon," how she interpreted that, "Shouldn't you use the time you have being happy instead of scared all the time?" she asked. She put the fat into the water to flavor the broth then took a break from the meat to spear a carrot chunk with er knife to nibble on.

She's from a world where they don't know to wash up after handling raw meat, okay?

[sevenyearsasleep]

"It's...complicated. He doesn't really accept a few things about me. Like the shorter life-span thing. Or," Link added some salt and pepper to the water, along with a little cream. "a few things about my brother."

He smiled, not judging her cooking practices at all. "I think I have a few more decades in me."

[najaran]

"My Master doesn't accept things about me too," she said, still confused, but doing her best to be polite, as if just talking abut Master Horowitz meant he was watching her behavior. "But I mean... that's just how adults are, right? Always wanting you to do better, learn better, change and stuff? Goligan is like that too."

[sevenyearsasleep]

"I don't know. Some adults are. I've met some adults who like me as I am, though. Like Mr. Talon. I've never felt stupid learning from him. But, he's not tried teaching me book stuff, he's only taught me real stuff. How to fix fences, and how to trim hooves, how to help a heifer during calving..."

Link chewed his lip. "I guess...I guess I want to be loved as I am. Not for who I could be."

[najaran]

"He doesn't love or like you?" she asked, confused. "Then why did he want to be your father?"

[sevenyearsasleep]

“He likes and loves me. But, even my best efforts at reading and writing weren’t enough. So, I eventually stopped trying.”

Link examined some spice jars, sniffing a few of them, before adding nutmeg to the soup.

“He wants me to be a scholar. I want to be with people instead of books.”

[najaran]

"Kid of like me and spells, huh?" she asked, setting things aside to lean back. "If I could use my spells, maybe I'd be less useless."She closed her eyes, putting her hands behind her head as Cait Sith came to curl up beside her, comfortingly.

[sevenyearsasleep]

“Magic is tricky,” Link agreed. “I was granted a few spells by the Great Fairies, but, most of what I can do requires my ocarina.”

He continued. “Maybe you’re like me and you’re better with weapons?”

[najaran]

"I can use a sword long enough to not die, usually," she muttered. "But not for long. I'm a Cepter, very few of us use our weapons ourselves."

[sevenyearsasleep]

Link snuck a bit of vegetable. "What's a Cepter?"

[najaran]

"Someone who can summon Culdcept Cards. I have a few weapons in my Book, but mostly monsters."

[sevenyearsasleep]

He glanced at the few creatures that were around them and gathered she didn't mean monsters in the same sense he did when he spoke of the temples.

"They seem to like you."

[najaran]

"We're friends," she said, resting her hand on Cait Sith's cloak. "And we need each other. They can't leave their Cards without a Cepter, and I'm useless for anything other than chores without them."

She took a breath. "But even if they never helped me fight or do anything again, they'd still be my friends. We've been through a lot together."

[sevenyearsasleep]

"Sounds like you're pretty useful? I mean, if they can't leave their card without you, you're really important."

[najaran]

"To them, sure. On my world there are lots of Cepters. Here... and I couldn't help on the last mission at all."

[sevenyearsasleep]

"I'd say that's pretty good. I mean, being needed by friends is important."

He stirred the soup a little. "Why couldn't you?"

[najaran]

She sat back up and went back to cutting the lean meat. "Because I couldn't breathe without my SCA. And not only do I not want to wear that... even if I did for this mission... I couldn't summon my friends. And without them, I'm just... me..." she said with a small shrug.

[sevenyearsasleep]

"Oh, yeah. We have to wear those. I think if we die without them, we....ah....stay dead."

Link watched her. "I don't think there's anything wrong with being 'just' you. If you're a good friend to these guys, you could be a good friend to others. Maybe you could bandage wounds? Or feed people who were hungry?"

[najaran]

"Back home if you die you stay dead. I'm not going to let that force me to wear the SCA," she said, dryly. "Not if it is going to stop us from helping people again."

As to the rest... She shoved the meat into the pot, as she thought. "Not sure how much help any of that would be on a mission, especially compared to what I can do on other missions, and what others could do on ones like this." Also the last time she'd tried to help at an infirmary it hadn't really been a rousing success. But maybe it would be different if the people who were injured hadn't had a choice about being in danger, unlike the people in Soron.

"How could being a friend help, though?"

[sevenyearsasleep]

"You can't help anyone if you're dead," Link pointed out. "If you die and come back there's always a chance of helping more people."

He smiled at her. "You'd be surprised. Having a friend helps with morale, and, sometimes, having a friend stops people from doing stupid things."

[najaran]

"I still don't even know how coming back after dying would work," she said thoughtfully.

"How would I know if they're doing something stupid? And how would I even stop them?"