voidtreckerexpress | Chewing On More Than The Meal

Who: Najaran, open
Where: Garden Car
When: Every day starting from the first day of the mission until the day before platform.
What: Having discovered she can't go onto this mission, Najaran has a lot to think about, and is throwing herself into chores while she does.
Warnings: Angst, trauma mentions, probably violence mentions, emotionally heavy topics possible.

Najaran had been warned before other missions - and then kept off of them - when the world was hostile without her SCA. This time she had tried to avoid everyone who might have stopped her and...

it was bad.

She made it back to the train and laid down a while to recover, but then she had a lot to think about. And she wasn't used to sitting still and brooding. So while she thought she threw herself into chores, so the people on the mission would come back to clean clothes and fresh food.

The way she saw it there were two main issues.

One was that she refused to be pulled away when she could still help, when people still needed her. But like this, she wasn't able to help anyone at all.

But she realized that... that wasn't the only issue. Because even if she wore the SCA... on a world like this, she was still less than useless, she was a liability.

Because even if the SCA protected her... that didn't guarantee it would protect her friends. She wouldn't let them suffer just so she could go out and...

And what?

Could she value her friends over strangers? Could she value strangers over her friends?

It would kill her if Thunderbeak or Knight or one of the others died because the world itself was hostile to them and she insisted on being there to help. But if she went to help with the SCA and didn't summon her friends.... What then? What skills did she actually have that could help anyone other than being a Cepter?

None.

She would just be someone the others had to protect.

She couldn't even bring Goligan for his wisdom, he had been as bad off as she'd been, practically. Without her cards, without Goligan, she was just a teenaged girl. She could do chores, but what was she going to do? Scrub windows at the monsters?

A tear rolled down her face as she cut the vegetables for the stew she was making. She would blame the onions. And yes, she was still cooking in the Garden Car over an open fire.

After Kigi had died, Najaran hadn't quite minded becoming a virtual slave for a few days, because the chores helped keep her mind off of having lost her friend.

But that was the sort of thing time could heal, could ease. Time spent with Gargoyle and Wall Of Stone, listening to their stories about Kigi. Time spent telling her friends here about what Kigi did, what her people did, to save the world.

But there was nothing time or talking could do about the fact that without her cards she was a klutzy glutton. Sure she could fight with a sword, and she could use a shield, if she had to. But not for long. She just didn't have the upper body strength. Or the coordination. She wasn't Joaquin, she couldn't make potions and elixirs for any problem. She wasn't clever Atla with strategies and courage and fire arm skills. She wasn't Ganz who could swing an axe as large as he was and throw people around like rag dolls. She wasn't Kigi, able to shoot a bow and arrows. She didn't even know if you said shoot a bow or shoot arrows. Ad even if she did, she didn't have a bow. Or arrows.

She had spell cards, but she was forbidden to use those. Because she messed things up whenever she tried.

Because she was useless as anything other than either a Cepter or a servant.

After the first day, Goligan had stopped arguing with her, because what was the point? She wasn't listening. The man-headed cane rested against the huge suit of armor that was helping to peel and cut and otherwise prepare from his seated position in the corner. Naja's smaller creatures stayed close to her whenever they weren't running and fetching for her. Except Woodfolk who was hiding in the soil.

Najaran hardly noticed when people came and went, hardly realized when the days changed over, just got up and went back to chores and brooding. She was still careful with the fire, and to not cut herself or burn herself but otherwise, she was working mechanically, more focused inward than outward.

She didn't even notice when people had come back...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"In that one instance it did, yes," Leia said. "But could just as easily not have. And there were many other times that it didn't."

"Your whole debate about wearing the SCA or not is based on your desire to help and protect people. Relying on luck rather than understanding and good planning in the type of situations you're concerned about is effectively gambling with their lives and goes directly against that desire. I had to learn that the hard way. I don't want you to have to too."

"But trying to research it keeps hitting blank walls."

"Trying to research what?", Leia asked. "The SCAs, or the rules and laws of the various places we visit?"

"How to turn that part of the SCA off, or just more about it at all."

"Please also take this with a grain of salt, as Najaran is a terrible student," Goligan said dryly.

"HEY!"

"Naja," Leia said, "I seriously doubt you can turn off one of the primary safety features of a Safety Control Apparatus without deactivating it completely. You keep trying to find ways to avoid having to make difficult decisions, but this one in particular isn't going to let you dodge it. The choice to wear it or not is yours, but you can't have the benefits of something without the drawbacks. That's not how life works."

"But... isn't part of life trying to find a way to learn to have the benefits without the drawbacks, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else? Like training... that's trying to summon more creatures without the draw back of being exhausted. Or being able to cast a spell without"

"NO SPELLS"

"Getting yelled at by anyone who has ever been around when I cast a spell," she said, dryly. Seriously. Curufin was the only one ever to not yell at her after she cast a spell near them. She sighed.

"I know somethings you can't have both ways, of course, but isn't it part of what it is to be human to try? Just so long as we try without hurting anyone else, that is."

Edited 2022-02-13 11:15 (UTC)

"Training can improve your skills in various areas, yes," Leia said. "You learn and grow, become stronger and wiser. But you can't fundamentally change the way a world works. For example, no amount of training or invention can remove the danger of fire. Yes, it can be used in a controlled way for various purposes, but the danger of being burned is always there. You can minimize the risk with practice and caution, but there's no way to eliminate it entirely."

"The same is true for the SCA. They're part of this world and they function a certain way. With caution and attention to your surroundings, you can minimize the potential need for evacuation. But that potential is always going to be there. You can't prevent a Safety Control Apparatus from ensuring your safety; that's just how it works."

"If this is the kind of life you want- traveling to other places and helping the people there- then you're going to have to learn to make difficult choices. And then to accept the consequences of the choices you make. There is no amount of training, no trick or invention or special technique that's going to let you avoid that. And more generally, if you want to be treated like an adult, you'll have to behave like one, which also includes making decisions and accepting their consequences."

"In short, you'll need to grow up, Naja. Not all at once, or immediately, but you'll have to. I can help you get there, but ultimately, most of it will be up to you."

She had been listening, ready to answer, but something... something shifted when Leia mentioned fire. She blanched but also... looked determined, looked like she expected to be attacked and was ready for it. Not from Leia though, her eyes were distant. It was unclear how much after that she heard, hand tightening on Goligan, lips pressed together in a thin line.

Leia blinked when she noticed Naja's shift in focus. "Naja?", she said. "Are you alright?"

It took her a moment to realize she was being spoken to.

"What...?" she asked, still a bit out of it.

"I said, are you alright?", Leia said. "You seemed to completely lose focus there for a few moments, to the point where I'm not sure you heard most of what I said."

"Sorry..." she said, rubbing the back of her head, sheepishly. "You got me thinking..."

"You, thinking?" Goligan teased, but there was an edge of worry in his tone.
Najaran seemed to ignore him.

"Someone back home... I'm not sure if I'm supposed to stop him or help him or what at this point..." she admitted. "But I'm starting to see how he became... what he is..."

"If you mean Zenith, what he is... is a danger," Goligan said flatly. "Have you forgotten how many times he's tried to kill you? Or how he attacked Sir Owen? Or the way he didn't care who he hurt the first time you met him?"

Naja's lips compressed as she shook her head. She reached up to fidget with her earring, forgetting for a second that her current earrings were just studs. Her fingers stuttered until they found the ear lobe, then fell. It just.. wasn't the same and besides, her mind was on Zenith now. "I haven't forgotten," she murmured. "But he did save me from the Lord of the Flies," she pointed out.

"Because he wanted to kill you himself!"

"And he did help out in the forest... Against the Dark Lord..."

"After he made things worse. By attacking you! Without any regard for the situation or the innocents he could have killed!"

She nodded, pensively. "Exactly.." she said quietly, falling into thought again. "After."

"Naja," Leia said, raising her voice just slightly to snap the younger woman's attention back to her, "having a forgiving nature is usually a good thing. But there is such a thing as taking it too far. And you are most certainly doing so with this 'Zenith'. It's one thing to see the good in people. It's another to make excuses for their evil acts simply because you want them to be a better person than they are." Even to this day, Leia had forgiven Anakin, but she hadn't forgiven Vader.

She shook her head. "I'm... not sure it is that, though...." She considered. "I mean I want him to be a better person so people keep dying, but it's not like I want to just think he's a better person but..."

She leaned back a bit.

"According to my Master, he grew up raised by a good person. And I think I can kinda understand some of what might have happened to make him so... so...."

"Evil?" Goligan supplied.

She just shrugged. "But... Something is changing. I think. I mean... the first time we met him he was attacking mostly indiscriminately, didn't seem to care who he hurt so long as he got a good fight but.... Someone like that wouldn't actually put himself at risk to help us, right?" she asked Leia. "What if... what if treating him decently... is what it takes to help him be better?"

"Then he's doomed," Goligan said, flatly. "you and he can't be in the same space five seconds without screaming at each other, and ten before you start trying to kill each other."

She sighed and let her head droop. "I know. I just.... if my Master hadn't taken me in, if my dad had been less of a good person... would I be just like Zenith now?"

"Never!" Goligan said fiercely.

Najaran looked far less sure.

Chewing On More Than The Meal - OTA

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