voidtreckerexpress | Family therapy

Entry tags:

Family therapy

Who: Leia, Clef, Link, and Shadow Link
Where: The Quiet car
When: Orchestra- Day 18
What: Leia tries to help bring Clef and his boys back together again
Warnings: Feelings and possibly some angst

It had taken a little while to properly arrange it, but the four of them were now seated in one of the Quiet Car booth compartments, the door closed behind them to block out distractions from the rest of the train. Leia and Clef sat on one side of the table, Link and Shadow on the other. Each of them had a cup of tea in front of them, and there was a plate of simple sugar cookies in the center of the table; negotiations nearly always went better with refreshments, in this case enough to put people more at ease without being overly distracting. And it felt a bit like peace negotiations, despite the fact that those involved were a family, rather than squabbling bureaucrats or Senators. At the very least, she expected some boundaries would need to be redrawn before they were done.

"Alright," Leia said. "Since I'm largely here as a mediator, a few ground rules before we get started, to avoid this turning into an argument. Everyone is going to respect everyone else's right to speak. No interrupting or talking over anyone; wait until the person who's currently talking is finished. We'll go counter-clockwise around the table and take turns speaking. Myself, then Clef, then Shadow, then Link, then back to me, and so on. If you don't have anything to say at the moment, you're welcome to indicate that the next person should go, but then you'll have to wait until your next turn to speak again. And finally- this hopefully goes without saying, but just in case-, we're here to talk. Which means no weapons, no magic, and no Bending get broken out."

"Now... with that out of the way..." She nodded to Clef, indicating that she was finished.

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Wait, no Bending at all? What about to illustrate points? What about to give something to someone else? What about...

Sorry, you just took away Bending and magic. He hadn't been planning on using magic/Bending, but being told that it was fully out.... yeah he was panicking at the moment. He went from looking insecure and worried.... to panicked.

It probably would have been comical in other circumstances.

Now it is... probably pretty demonstrative of his issues. Here an in general...

Shadow could agree to those rules. Those were probably for the best honestly. Even if it might mean Link would have to pin him down if things did get out of hand since his weaponry and magic was more...instinctive then anything.

But for now, rules have been set out, and he can do his best to follow them because, frankly, Leia is being way more patient for them then she had to be.

He looked to Clef, because, well, it wasn't his turn to speak, and he was going to wait for indication.

Link hadn’t come armed, so, he was willing to accept the terms. He didn’t rely heavily on Bending either, so, it wasn’t a difficult request.

But, it looked like Clef was having difficulties even thinking about the inability to use magic.

Link waited for Clef to gather his nerves and speak. But as the silence stretched on, he felt his shoulders start to slump. This wasn’t going to work. The mage couldn’t even say a single syllable to him. Maybe things were just too broken…

He reached for his cup of tea, giving Leia a pleading glance.

Of all the awkward silences that Leia had been part of over the years, this one would definitely fall somewhere in the top ten most awkward, if only due to the number of people involved. But she didn't miss the looks anyone had on their faces, nor could she fail to pick up their meanings while they were all together in this. Clef, somewhat panicked. Shadow, mildly impatient. Link, pleading and worried. Things weren't exactly off to a promising start. But she'd been in far worse negotiations.

When it became clear that Clef was likely to remain frozen unless nudged out of it, she rested a supportive hand on his shoulder. "Clef," she said. "Breathe. You know what you feel and what you need to say." She gave his shoulder a brief, reassuring squeeze. They had talked about this. He just needed to remember it. Stop fighting. Stop trying to force it. Don't be afraid of your emotions... or theirs. I know you can do it. All of you.

"For the first time in my life, I feel like I am being vastly overestimated," he mumbled. "I... I don't know how to do this..." he added burying his face in his hands. He had been barely holding on going into this. Now being told no magic...

It didn't matter he hadn't been planning to use it, it was like a safety net, a comfort, a thing he could have at least some confidence. What could he do for Link or Shadow without his magic?

He looked at the boys, a million ideas of what to say going though his brain and being discarded. I love you? That would just tick off Shadow. Same with you're both my sons. Same with I am here for you.

"I'm sorry...." he whispered to them after a long moment. They... They needed someone so much better at any of this than he was. He was good at magic. He was a good teacher. He was good at fighting, defending people... magically.

And with his boys... that wasn't enough. He wasn't enough.

Maybe he never had been.

Shadow could feel the slump of Link beside him and he nudged his side, glancing over to him, and gesturing at Clef with his head.

Optimism wasn't his thing, but he knew Leia could do the counselor thing, and he still wanted it to work. For Link's sake, if nothing else.

Shadow looked over as Leia and Clef spoke, leaning forward to rest his chin in his hand. He tilted his head, looked at Link, then at Clef again. "Father's never know how 'to do this,'" he commented. "My owner's father was a pretty good dad and they were absolutely terrible communicators."

He paused and glanced at Leia. "Metaphysical ownership thing and he's named Link too, owner is simple reference." Since Owner can be worrying without context and Leia wouldn't be partial to that information.

He looked at Clef again. "By the time I showed up, like half of their conversations were arguments between him wanting him to work with others for unity and his safety, and my owner feeling like his skills weren't being respected. Sad thing was, his dad even knew more or less where my owner's head was at, but he couldn't bridge that gap of understanding," he said and snorted. "It actually took the Four Sword and dealing with himself to admit that maybe his dad had a point."

Shadow doesn't expect perfect parenting, because he knows its not. He just also didn't see Clef as a father figure. But it was important for Clef and Link to know perfect parents didn't exist, not even for a Link who did have a parent.

"Though, even if my owner was mostly in the wrong at that time, his father was motivated by his own protectiveness that didn't help matters. Its a fine line, sometimes."

Link straightened up a bit at Shadow's nudge and looked again at Clef. When he finally did speak, Link felt relieved. Not just because of the progress it represented, but, because of that whispered apology. He'd half-expected to hear a litany of his own failings as an adoptive son and person in general.

He listened to Shadow, and briefly wondered what his own birth father had been like. Link figured that the man would have been much like Shadow's Link's father, from the scarce details he knew.

"Mr. Talon and Malon don't always get along. That's mostly because he's lazy and Malon is a terrifying force of nature. But, they love each other."

Link took a breath. "Why'd you choose me? Outta all the kids in Nautilus. I mean, I know the Doctor was snatching up all the human kids from Earth, but...why me?"

He could be there for them. Guide them, advise them, help them. Show them he loved them, rather than telling them. Magic was highly useful, but it wasn't what he needed practice in. And not something she'd let him use as a crutch. Best to get used to the idea now, in case they wound up in any more circumstances where their powers were compromised.

Still, as openings went, she'd heard far worse ones. At least he was talking again. And being honest.

She nodded at Shadow's clarification. She wasn't fond of the whole cycle of reincarnation that produced sword-wielding chosen warriors given little choice in their fate in their world., but it still couldn't be called ownership. And without context it would indeed have been worrying.

And she couldn't help but smile slightly at Malon- presumably another child Link knew- being described as a 'terrifying force of nature'. After all, she knew full well how much of a handful Ben had been, and how much of one she herself had been too by all accounts.

"It can be a difficult balance, yes," she said. "Wanting to protect your children while also respecting their ability and independence, especially as they get older. And we don't always get it right. I know I didn't with Ben. And my parents didn't, either, with me."

"They kept me in the dark about their efforts against the Empire until I was about as old as you are now, Link. And even then, it was only by accident that I found out. They thought that if I was innocent, if I knew nothing of the Rebellion, that the Empire would spare me if they were found out and we were captured. They were wrong, and deep down they knew it. But it was a lie they had to keep telling themselves in order to keep going. The idea that they could somehow keep me safe in the increasingly hostile galaxy that I was about to become a much bigger part of."

"Perfect parents don't exist. Nor do perfect children. Because perfect people don't exist. We all have our faults and foibles, myself included. That's part of what makes life interesting. And complicated."

Edited 2021-12-17 07:15 (UTC)

"I agree that perfection is not an obtainable goal," Clef started then stopped himself, hunching a bit more in, because that was usually the start of an argument between him and Link. And... not what they were here for at all. He was afraid that they'd just...

That if they argued now...

Link would just... just leave.

Clef rubbed at his face and focused on Link's question. So many words rushed at his head all at once and he started to reach for the gem in his staff, then stopped himself just in time.

"There is so much I want to say to answer your question, Link," he said softly. Then looked to Leia. "May I at least use magic to fetch my pen and create paper so I can make notes and put my thoughts in order? So I don't say the wrong thing and hurt them further?" the last was almost a whisper.

"Its really not. Can't expect it from others and definitely not for yerself," Shadow said. "What matters is learning from mistakes."

Shadow hummed. "Probably do him some good. At least writing gets out his thought process if it goes badly. "

“Good enough. That’s all you gotta aim for. Just…good enough.” Link’s expression softened considerably.

He nodded in agreement about writing. “Use your finger maybe? Then you don’t break the terms and you can feel better about it.” Link mimed tracing words on the table with his index finger.

Leia nodded her agreement to the notion that good enough was, well, good enough. Clef's request though, made her smile slightly. "Actually, I anticipated you'd ask something like that," she told him. Reaching into the pocket of her train hoodie, she pulled out a small notebook and a pen and offered them to Clef. "Will these do?"

"I have notebooks and pens for the rest of us too, if any of you would like to make notes or organize your thoughts that way. Doodling is also acceptable, provided you can do so and still pay attention to what's being said." She figured she'd better bring enough for all; she'd worked with people who'd claim unfairness for less, and she wasn't about to risk that.

His fingers brushed the notebook. "Thank you." He started to reach for the pen but it... it was the wrong pen. "but... I'd prefer to use my own pen, if that's alright? It's in my staff, no Bending needed. Just summoning it."

"He might feel a little outnumbered, even if this isn't a fight or competition," Shadow commented. "If he gets comfort from a pen, let him have a pen, that sort of things isn't flashy magic that can get distracting."

He paused. "I'll take a notepad and pen. Better to have something to fidget with even if I'm more likely to just rip up paper, honestly."

Link took an offered notepad and pen as well, planning to doodle to help with his own anxieties. He didn’t quite understand why Clef didn’t take an offered pen.

But, Shadow had a point about the possibility of Clef feeling out-numbered, so he merely nodded in agreement.

Leia handed Link and Shadow each a pen and small notebook. "Tearing up paper comes with the same caveat as doodling, but otherwise that's fine," she said. "As is origami, if you think you can divide your focus that much and still pay attention to the conversation."

"And since there seem to be no objections, you can summon and use your own pen," she said to Clef. "Though I'm a bit curious as to why it's significant now."

"It is the pen I always use," he said as he summoned from his staff the pen Link had carved him.

He started making notes with the pen in the notebook.

First impression. So much like Ferio.

Once thought I wanted Ferio to wind up his father so Ferio would see what it was like raising Ferio. He gave a small nostalgic smile as he write that.

Wound up equal parts terrified and hopeful he and Ferio would meet. They'd either be good for each other or destructive.

Masquerade ball. The cookies. Learning to make them for Link.

The booth. He sat back a bit and looked at what he wrote before circling it several times and adding notes to that section. the day I realized I felt so protective, that I wanted to teach and help. Wanted to see him grow up into who he would be. Not fits and starts like Ferio. But throughout. Argot. Wanting to help him. Worry. So much worry. Idiom.

Realizing I was worrying more and more.

How often I thought about him in his absence, which seemed odd at the time.

He lifted his pen from the page, reviewed what he had written, and realized that he had gone well past answering the question. He could be here for decades if he were to write everything.

So he lifted his pen from the page and reviewed his notes. Considered the question again, then took a deep breath.

"First of all, to get it out of the way, The Doctor and his choices had absolutely nothing to do with mine. I did not get inspired to adopt someone because he was adopting people, nor did I feel any grandiose obligation to help those he neglected. In hindsight I am uncertain if I was even aware he was adopting anyone at the time. It certainly is not part of my thoughts when it comes to you," he said firmly. "Either of you."

He took another breath, eyes roaming his notes as he gathered his thoughts once more.

"Link, when we first met... perhaps not my very first thought, but one of my earliest thoughts was that you reminded me so very much of Ferio. I was not Ferio's father, for the record. I never once considered myself anything more than his teacher at first, and then later a friend. Much later compared to the length of time between when I first met you and when I realized how I felt about you."

A breath. He was shakey. Afraid. This answer could make or break everything. He didn't know what answer Link wanted. What he knew was the truth. It was all he had. So he offered it.

"I went from seeing you much as I did Nash or Jane at the time. Someone I considered a friend. My... definition of friend has changed over recent years I will admit. At the time it was my original definition. You were like Presia or Ferio. Everyone I liked at all, save for my Princess was. It was my job to teach and guide when we were together, to learn from you when we were together. And that was it. I could go centuries without seeing Presea and hardly notice it. Ferio I noticed slightly more only because I was his teacher and his sister's for so long, and then even when he stopped coming to lessons, the princess often brought him up. But once I was with someone else, or more often, alone with my books, I rarely thought much of any of them, other than to note a book they should read or something I should inform them of."

"The holiday ball, the masquerade we were forced to attend. I started asking Jane and others about the cookies there, because I wanted to create them for you. I did not see it, at the time, as different from making a note for Presea. But when I did finally try to make them, I realized that there was something... different... in how I felt getting them ready for you than even in any lesson I had prepared. I did not know why or how."

"Over time I went from thinking you were just like Ferio, to - for a short period - day dreaming about you and Ferio waking up one day as father and son. I wanted to see that. I... do not know if you realize how odd that was for me, I am not one generally prone to daydreams and flights of fancy. And yet there I was thinking about how it would serve Ferio right after all the heart attacks he put everyone through to have a son so much like him. I actually found myself thinking about that and smiling from time to time when I meant to be studying."

He took a breath and looked at his notes again, trying to gather himself. "That... That didn't last long, honestly. I soon realized that wasn't actually what I wanted, amusing as it might have been."

"I realized that the way you made me worry was not at all the way Ferio made me worry." How to say this when he hardly understood it himself? "It wasn't just the intensity, though that was an aspect. It was more..."

How should he even say it?

He stopped and started making notes again. How would I react to Ferio getting a new scar? How would I react to Nope. Not even on paper. He turned the page and started again.

Would Ferio playing with bombs upset me? Yes. Same way? No. Why?

Frustration filled him. He was unused to lacking the words to explain something, but here he was, unable to put into words why Link playing with bombs panicked him when Ferio playing with bombs would likely only irritate him.

"I don't have the proper vocabulary for this, apparently," he admitted. "I will look into books to rectify this failing in myself as soon as I reasonably can, and I appologize for the fact that I do not seem to know the proper words to explain this. which is eminently frustrating. The best I can do is to say that I realized it was different. You playing with bombs as if they were toys scares me as well as upsets me in other ways, where as the thought of Ferio doing the same more... frustrates me. Please never show Ferio bombchu bowling. I do not think I could handle the two of you egging each other on that way..."

He rubbed at his face and looked at his notes. Right.

"The day you had that booth... I think that's when I first really realized that I didn't just want to teach you, the way I wanted to teach Ferio. When Ferio passed a certain point then stopped coming to lessons regularly I was frustrated and annoyed. But I could focus on teaching his sister and push that aside. And once I was back in my tower those emotions wouldn't bother me again until I was planning the next lesson for them. But with you... I felt a deeper need not just to teach you but also... a desire to see you learn. And yes, those are separate things. I loved the look on your face when you made connections. When things made sense to you. And watching you working to figure out something that didn't, when I knew you would come to the answer. I wanted to see you learn and grow. Not just at lessons, but between as well. I wanted also to... to protect you. Not because I thought you couldn't protect yourself, but... well in part because I realized you wouldn't. But also just... because you had become important to me in a way nothing else had. I didn't have words for it then, I lack them still now."

"But more and more... I wasn't able to push thoughts of you aside when I went to study. Less and less did I want to. More often the things I studied were a direct result of thoughts about you or conversations with you. Or ways to protect you."

He pursed his lips. "I always believed in the Magic Knights legend. I was part of forcing those girls to save our princess and our world, part of pushing them onto what I thought was their destiny. But hearing you talk about your fate and being a hero, and having no choice... you made me rethink everything, Link. Made me realize that I have done to those girls something I can never make up for. Being a hero should be a choice each person makes for themselves. Not a choice made for them."

He held up a hand. "I know it is a choice you would make over and over again, that is not in question. It is who you are... but having seen so many different worlds' versions of healthy childhoods...."

He wiped at his face. "I am making a has out of this..." he muttered.

"The summary is I wanted to adopt you when I realized that I wanted to be there to watch you learn and grow. To help you when you needed help. That I wanted you to be part of my life. Not just for a lesson here and a lesson there. But an actual part of it. When I realize that if I lost you to something I could have helped to prevent..." He shook his head. "Again, I know you are capable and strong but... I wanted to have your back, and to know that you had mine."

He shook his head and looked at Leia. "I really am not good at this. I don't know how to properly explain it. Are you certain there are no books on the subject that I could study so I could articulate this more efficiently?"

"I can pay attention," Shadow said, taking the notepad and just opening to a loose page. And listening to Clef talk, which was certainly a lot, and also not something where his opinion mattered much. This was about Link and Clef and Link should make his own decision on that.

"There are definitely no books," Shadow said, twirling the pen between his fingers. "Any there might be ya'd risk getting reliant on to try and quantify how ya feel instead of looking how ya actually feel."

Link saw Clef was using the pen he’d carved for him in Nautilus, and he was touched. Some of the warmth gave way to confusion as he watched Clef write…and write.

When Clef did speak, Link listened, even if he was a bit confused here and there. He’d thought it had been a simple question. It seemed there were a lot of layers to Clef’s reasoning, so many that Link feared he couldn’t understand them all.

“See, I agreed because you were the first person ever to ask in any world I’d been to. You were kind to me. And you didn’t want impossible things from me.”

Link wasn’t as verbose. Even at his most talkative, he couldn’t compete with Clef.

“Until you did. And I tried really hard, but, unlike helping people…you never were happy with the results. You just kept moving the goal post on me, and eventually I decided to stop. But, that’s not really important.”

He chewed his lip, twirling a pen between the fingers of his left hand.

“My hobbies—-I won’t show anyone from your world my favorite pastimes.”

Link twirled the pen in the opposite direction.

“I have your back. You just don’t always see it.”

Leia still wasn't sure of the significance of the pen, other than it being Clef's favorite, but it looked hand made. A gift maybe? It seemed to have some significance to Link too, which lent some weight to that theory.

"There may be books to help expand your emotional vocabulary," Leia said, answering Clef's question first, "but Shadow's still mostly right. Any books like that would only be a starting point; they could give you words, but not teach you how to use or apply them to your life, just like reading a dictionary doesn't teach you how to write or speak well. They could provide a foundation, perhaps, but you'd still need to do most of the building yourself."

"And it might be helpful to know what specific things Clef asked of you that you found unreasonable," she said to Link. "There's generally nothing wrong with consistently encouraging someone to improve, but that can go too far sometimes if the other person's own needs and desires aren't taken into account enough."

Edited 2021-12-25 05:34 (UTC)

Clef didn't hear what Leia said. It was hard to hear anything over the roaring in his ears. That... and the sound of his own heart shattering.

See, I agreed because you were the first person ever to ask in any world I’d been to.

It didn't have to be him. Link... Link didn't love him. Had never loved him. This was... was just like Link doing any task asked of him. He hadn't become Clef's son because he wanted to.

But because he never said no to anyone.

And for as well as Clef knew him... thought he knew him... how did he miss that? How did he ever let himself think... think that it could have been more?

And you didn’t want impossible things from me. Until you did.

Link had agreed, because he thought he was doing a kindness for Clef... and now... now he regretted it.

Clef couldn't focus on the room, or anything said after that. Just the sound of his heart shattering over and over again.

He was unaware that he'd gone still and pale, unaware of the pain in his eyes and the tears falling free of them...

Shadow looked at Link and will reach for his free hand, squeezing it gently. Just to reassure him since he was being vulnerable and he can feel the pain in now showing the past times.

It wasn't like they were ALL inherently dangerous, jeeze.

Except then Clef had grown quiet again and he's doing his best to listen to these rules.

And...crying?!

He doesn't even know why and he looks at Leia for some help here because even if he can guess at negative emotions, he can't figure out what Link said to get THIS reaction.

Edited 2021-12-31 09:31 (UTC)

Link needed that reassurance from Shadow because now he was just as flummoxed.

“What’s wrong? Why did you stop talking? I told you how special you are. That out of all the adults I came across you were the only one interested in me for my own sake……”

He looked from Clef to Leia and Shadow.

“I promised not to show your friend the fun stuff….I told you I had your back, just you didn’t always see it…….what’s wrong??”

Link sincerely couldn’t fathom what he might have said to get such a reaction.

Edited 2021-12-31 15:21 (UTC)

Leia had thought it was going reasonably well until she felt the stab of heartbreak from Clef. But she was just as baffled as Link at why his words had produced such a reaction; it had sounded perfectly reasonable to her. But then, she wasn't coming into this primed to hear things any particular way. Clef and Link had both come into it inclined to think that the other thought the worst of them. Link may have been starting to shift slightly away from that, thanks to the pen, but Clef... Clef apparently hadn't.

She had been about to attempt to translate when Link did the job for her, for which she was more than willing to let speaking outside his turn slide. Rather than try to explain Clef's problem to Link right away though, instead, she opted to make sure Clef was still with them. "Clef?", she said simply, resting a hand on his shoulder. Hoping the touch would bring him out of his shock if Link's words couldn't do the job alone.

"It... it didn't have to be me? Anyone who asked... if they asked first... you would have said yes?" he asked in a whisper. His eyes closed and the tears fell. "Did you only say yes because... because you thought I needed this and to help me? Did you... did you never actually want... for yourself.." his voice cracked. "You only said yes... to help me?" he whispered.

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