voidtreckerexpress | (no subject)

Who: Jiang Cheng & Lan Xichen
Where: Quiet carriage
When: Early Rabbit
What: Terrible confessions
Warnings: N/A atm

Jiang Cheng has never been good with words.

There are a lot of things he is not particularly good at, many things he is not adept with, and those are the things he has wrestled with his entire life. He had never been good enough for his parents, had never managed to be good enough in the eyes of the people he loved most. He had failed Wei Wuxian and his sister, had been unable to be the kind of parent he had hoped to be with a-Ling. His nephew never wanted for anything, was never really harmed, but he wouldn't call himself the best of parents.

He wants to be better, and that is what pushes him now. He had made some kind of amends with Wei Wuxian. He has managed, somehow, to be good to a-Ling, despite him not being from his own world. He is a good friend to Madoka, if not some kind of familial figure that he can't quite put into name.

Wanting to be better does not equate to being better, however, and that is the difficulty he has at the moment. He has asked Zewu-jun - Lan Xichen, and it feels strange to think it - to meet him, has tea prepared, has Sandu placed at his side, and he is prepared to just... Talk, but it isn't easy. Not even having had the conversation with Wei Wuxian, as if that would ease any of his problems.

(As per usual, it felt as though it made them worse).

He doesn't know what he's going to say, has nothing rehearsed that might help him, and that puts him in a poor situation - Jiang Cheng is rarely good, off the cuff, rarely able to say what is on his mind without there being some sort of problem with it. But he is try, and that has to count for something. He hopes.

Lifting his head, he blinks when Lan Xichen appears, bowing his head in a gentle, proper greeting.

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Jiang Cheng isn't good with words - he never has been - and there's an edge of discomfort as he tries to find the proper things to say. Wei Wuxian had made it sound so easy - which, in reality, was the opposite. It was difficult, baring himself, being emotionally vulnerable.

At least Xichen agrees, and the nod of his head softens some of the awkwardness clinging to him.

Breathing out a little, he pushes his tea to one side, swallowing back the strange discomfort before he looks over at Lan Xichen, his eyes a little wider. He didn't expect such comfort so quickly, and it makes his voice coming out a little haltingly, his voice low and soft as he musters some sort of response.

"It is not all that you want," he repeats, voice a little hoarse, before he breathes out a soft laugh. "I - I imagine that we're on the same page, then."

Lan Xichen is a kind man, who will save another from flounder and drifting in the wind.

It is easier now because they both wish the same thing and Xichen knows it, has an unfair advantage from speaking to a certain someone who helped him along. For now, he does not reveal his secret, though it feels like a scandal to keep it.

Later, when it is in the past and will not unsettle.

Omission is not technically lying.

"Not all I want," he says again, offering a warm smile that turns a hint mischievous before it settles back into soft kindness. He likes the sound of Jiang Wanyin's laughter, of the way it settles into the space between them like a secret shared. He has not heard this sound often and wishes to seek more of it. "It would seem so."

And then a gentle chuckle. "Unless you still wished to say what you'd intended to before I interrupted."

Jiang Cheng should be thankful for the forethought of Lan Xichen trying to ease this for him, but it has the poor side effect of making him feel like a complete idiot.

Knowing that they want similar things doesn't make life too much easier for a man who has spent his life feeling a sense of longing and not being aware of what to do with it: he has never had much of any kind of relationship, and the affection he had held for Wen Qing had been doomed from the start. This is different - it is real, and right in front of him, but he doesn't know what to do.

He wonders how much experience Xichen has, and it makes his mouth drop open before he grits his teeth, forcing the strange feeling of embarrassment away.

"No. You have understood me well enough, I don't think I need to say anymore." Why run the risk of making even more of a fool of himself? His fingers twitch absently around his teacup as he places it to one side, his eyes not really able to lift to look at Xichen.

He must look stupid.

"I'm glad."

"I must admit, I was mostly just being hopeful," Xichen says carefully, not unkindly. Jiang Wanyin isn't the easiest man to read, is not the man he knows from his own home.

He is different, yes, but Lan Xichen is learning to read him here too. To understand, a bit better, he hopes.

He looks from Jiang Wanyin, first to his tea and then to where his hand now rests on the table. "Would you allow me to do something perhaps a little bold?"

"Isn't that always your nature? Optimism?" Not that Jiang Cheng can be particularly sour about it, given how well it has worked out for him this time. He knows that Xichen looks for the best in people, that he tries to be good, and strong, and has a pride to him for all his gentleness - but he had never imagined it might lead to anything like this.

There's still a bit of childish embarrassment to him, a flush that makes his body shift a little before he turns his head back up to look at Xichen.

"Bolder than what has already been said?" He shakes his head. "As you please."