alice liddell. Ω (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
irrationally) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
voidtreckerexpress2020-06-22 07:39 pm
irrationally) wrote in voidtreckerexpress2020-06-22 07:39 pm
Entry tags:
(closed) i just want to know what blurs
Who: (Older) Alice and Wen Qing
When: Day 27 of Fiddlesticks
Where: The medical carriage
What: Alice freaks out at the information piece and rushes over to talk about it with someone she trusts.
Warnings: Talk about mental health issues.
Ironically enough Alice starts to feel sick to her stomach just trying to process the message about voidsickness. It was already bad enough when it was briefly mentioned in that message that appeared right before their ability to communicate got all strange, but the more information she sees about it, the worse she feels.
It's just like back home. Claiming they have erratic behaviour, blaming it on a sickness. Hallucinations being a rare symptom of voidsickness. Suddenly it feels like Alice can't trust her own mind anymore. Her breath halts inside of her throat.
Usually she'd keep these sorts of things to herself, but right now? She just can't. It's too much, too overwhelming. She has to at least talk with this about someone rather than feeling like she's going crazy all by herself.
So after tearing herself away from an ICP, Alice starts running straight through the train until she arrives at the medical carriage. There's some relief at seeing the face she was hoping to see here, though the relief is quickly drowned out again by the dread at the thought of the information she just learned.
Alice doesn't even try to seem calm. She couldn't. She's obviously worked up - it's visible in her facial expression, her hitched breath, the way her hands keep moving as if she isn't quite sure where to put them.
"We.. we need to talk." It's no request for Wen Qing's time - usually she might at least be polite enough towards someone she considers a friend like her to actually ask rather than demand, but she's much too worked up right now to even attempt politeness.
When: Day 27 of Fiddlesticks
Where: The medical carriage
What: Alice freaks out at the information piece and rushes over to talk about it with someone she trusts.
Warnings: Talk about mental health issues.
Ironically enough Alice starts to feel sick to her stomach just trying to process the message about voidsickness. It was already bad enough when it was briefly mentioned in that message that appeared right before their ability to communicate got all strange, but the more information she sees about it, the worse she feels.
It's just like back home. Claiming they have erratic behaviour, blaming it on a sickness. Hallucinations being a rare symptom of voidsickness. Suddenly it feels like Alice can't trust her own mind anymore. Her breath halts inside of her throat.
Usually she'd keep these sorts of things to herself, but right now? She just can't. It's too much, too overwhelming. She has to at least talk with this about someone rather than feeling like she's going crazy all by herself.
So after tearing herself away from an ICP, Alice starts running straight through the train until she arrives at the medical carriage. There's some relief at seeing the face she was hoping to see here, though the relief is quickly drowned out again by the dread at the thought of the information she just learned.
Alice doesn't even try to seem calm. She couldn't. She's obviously worked up - it's visible in her facial expression, her hitched breath, the way her hands keep moving as if she isn't quite sure where to put them.
"We.. we need to talk." It's no request for Wen Qing's time - usually she might at least be polite enough towards someone she considers a friend like her to actually ask rather than demand, but she's much too worked up right now to even attempt politeness.
no subject
It doesn't even take her opening her mouth for a demand for Wen Qing's attention, something which is alarmingly uncharacteristic for Alice, no, the first glance at her stricken face is already enough to thoroughly alarm Wen Qing.
She slips from her chair and walks over quickly, joining Alice and placing herself right in front of her, her hands reaching for Alice's shaking ones - she doesn't quite touch her, though, just comes close to it but leaves the choice to her if she will seek touch.
"What happened?" she asks, her voice firm and all business, just short of going steely.
Because something has happened. Something has hurt her friend. It better be something. If it is someone there will be hell to pay.
no subject
It's why, when she feels the other's hands almost reaching for hers, Alice actually covers the gap and takes a hold of Wen Qing's hands. Sure, the physical touch is the tiniest bit comforting, but it's also just to ensure Wen Qing is real and right here in front of her. There's no way Alice can trust her own mind right after reading a message like that.
She doesn't pause for long though. Wen Qing is obviously alarmed, and although Alice doesn't feel okay, she still doesn't want to make a worried friend (what a weird, weird concept) wait.
"I.." She starts, then stops, like she's having trouble finding the words. She swallows, but her throat feels incredibly dry. "Did you hear? About that.. that voidsickness?"
no subject
"I heard," she says, her face as grim as her voice, and only turning grimmer now as she takes in the state of her friend. She had thought about the health dangers for the passengers at large and how to monitor their health, yet she hadn't thought about how Alice in particular would feel about it.
Now that she is thinking about it, though...
She pushes her towards the examination bed. "Sit," she says, already placing herself on the bed herself so that it will look more like a place for them to sit and chat than being here to be examined. "Sit, and then tell me what you are thinking."
no subject
But even with that in mind, this is still hard. She hesitates before speaking up, staring down at her hands for a moment in silence before Alice manages to force some words out.
"It mentioned hallucinations as a symptom of voidsickness. And I have those." She glances up at Wen Qing, momentarily speaking more rapidly as if she has a realisation about what that sounds like. "Not.. Not only since I showed up here though. I've had them consistently for a long time now, so I assume it's not as if I have voidsickness."
She's pretty sure she hasn't lost time, at least.
"But when we lost our ability to communicate.. I did glance at the message the ICPs briefly displayed. Whoever wrote it is assuming we have voidsickness. What if they come here and take my hallucinations as proof that I have it? What if.. What if they take me away for it?" The last part - and how vulnerable it makes her voice sound - makes it clear that the main point of this isn't necessarily a medical problem she's confessing to Wen Qing because of the other's medical skills. Instead it's a private worry she's sharing with a trusted friend.
no subject
So she turns towards her and reaches for her, one hand cradling hers while the other grips her upper arm.
"Alice," she says quietly, her voice a lot gentler than it would be if this were a matter of medical expertise. Which may be needed still but it's not the core of the matter, she can see this. "Look at me." Her lips curl into a tiny, comforting smile and she is overcome by such fondness for her. The hand on her arm goes up to try and brush over her hair instead, if Alice will permit this touch that is so much more than she has tried before - a kind of affection that has usually been only for her brother. "We can find ways to keep you here. We will think of something. The train is your home and we're not going to stand by and let you be taken from your home, even if they try."
no subject
The small, fond smile on Wen Qing's face is met with surprise in Alice's own expression. It's odd. She may be 19, but the amount of times she's found herself in a situation like this can be counted less than the fingers of one hand. She even allows that touch of her hair, the hand brushing over it, though something about it makes Alice look smaller than ever.
It's just odd to receive this kind of fondness. This kind of comfort. Even when it's coming from someone she already trusts like the other next to her.
"Home.." She repeats the word, as if to test it out. It's another odd thing. Even Wonderland had never been her home as much as it was a reflection of her own psyche, though it was the most comfortable place for her to be.
Though her gaze doesn't leave Wen Qing's, she's silent for a moment, before quietly admitting: "I want to stay."
Not just because she doesn't want to be held captive because she's seen like a lunatic once more at whatever place she might be taken away to by those people, but also because she actively wants to be here. With the people she cares about. With the fondness of her dear friend who's with her right now.
"I don't want to lose your company."
no subject
"I don't want to lose your company either, Alice," she says, voice somewhat shaky, feeling more than a little bit choked up with emotion. Such emotionality isn't something she permits herself often but there are special occasions - exceptions - when it feels perfectly alright to enjoy such an indulgence. What moment, if not now? In fact, it feels right to give voice to a little more, something she has been feeling but never quite knew how to put into words without it feeling like too much, too presumptous. "You're like family," she says quietly now.
There's just another moment of hesitation before she reaches out for her, moving to enfold her in a hug though she makes sure to be slow enough about it that Alice could easily move away, and then she won't pursue.
no subject
It has to be important to Wen Qing too, or otherwise the other wouldn't bother to mention it like this.
So after trying to let her mind sit with that for a moment, Alice slowly moves her arms up to hold the other in turn. It's a rather weak hold, but it's very much there. She even leans against Wen Qing slightly. Not enough to put her weight on the other woman, but enough for these to be a bit more contact between the two of them.
"You mean that? About.. family?" Despite there not being anyone present to overhear them, her voice is soft, like the words are only meant for the two of them.
no subject
It had been a rather intuitive thing to call her like family, a deep feeling that she may have been vaguely aware of for a while but never really put her finger on before until it now seemed appropriate to give it a name. But she doesn't know how to offer such a thing. Family is blood, even when you don't like them, it is bonds that tie you for better or worse, and it is bonds born through shared experiences and shared hardships. Wei Wuxian had become family in the Burial Mounds. But she'd never said it to him as such. With Alice, with their differences in their cultures and their experiences, it feels like a thing that needs to be stated to be understood.
"If you want to," she offers, more tentatively now. She finally pulls away and folds her hands on her laps, fingers clenching and unclenching rhythmically. "It is an offer."
no subject
"I want that."
It's not as if having a sister is something unfamiliar to Alice. She grew up with one before the fire, after all. But Lizzie had always been so different from her. Older and more serious, whereas Alice has been the dreaming child. She adored Lizzie - still does now - but they never felt on the same level. She's never had one on a more similar level, one she felt she could share anything with, without having to fear ridicule.
She doesn't break the embrace, but moves back just slightly enough for her to be able to look at the other. So Wen Qing can see in her gaze that she means this.
"After all.. When I felt worried about this matter, you were the first person to come to mind to talk to about it. It's why I am here now." There are other people she could have talked to about it. But no one has Wen Qing's seemingly perfect balance of good common sense, sympathy and determination to deal with these issues. "I trust you completely, despite that being.. difficult for me with most other people. Isn't that what being family is about? In that case, we already are family."
no subject
"I'm glad," she says, her voice just the tiniest bit choked up because she may be able to measure her words into something which doesn't show how affected she truly is, but she can't cover up the tone of her voice just as well. She reaches for Alice's hand and grasps it firmly in her own, cradling it against her chest. "I'm very glad that you will permit me to call you family, Alice."
When she had found herself on the train she had hoped to find some peace and tranquility and a chance to repay with good deeds the mercy of being given a second chance at life. Yet the train has given her so much more than just life, it has given her new and old people to love, too.
"I promise I will always watch out for you, and you will always have a home with me." She gives her hand another squeeze as she tries to school her face into something sterner again. "So this is how it is now. Anybody who wants to take you away from here will have to deal with your family, too, and don't you forget that."
no subject
She definitely thinks she herself should be the one honored to be family here though, not Wen Qing.
But Alice does smile, although it's not as wide as others might.
"Thank you. But.. don't get too hurt doing that sort of thing." Not that she isn't glad Wen Qing is willing to protect her and her happiness, but the mere idea of her getting hurt for Alice's sake already makes her heart hurt. "I don't think I would ever be able to forgive anyone who hurt you."
Which sounds sweet, and it is, but it also has the underlying meaning of 'I will literally murder anyone who harms you', so.. you know.
no subject
She looks down at their hands, her brows drawn together deep in anguished thought. "I lost my family before, you know. Did I ever tell you that? All my relatives that had survived the war and the prison camp to be saved by Wei Wuxian, with the exception of A-Yuan and A-Ning they were all executed. They decorated the walls of Nightless City with their corpses. When they set me on fire, I was led to believe my brother had already died the same death as I would." Her voice is kept matter-of-factly as she speaks of that terrible day, of sacrifices and broken promises - they should have been safe, the rest of her family, they had been promised only Wen Qing and Wen Ning would die.
Yet while her voice remains measured, her hands tremble.
"So you see, I know what it's like to lose family. I don't take such threats lightly." Not that she ever had but now she knows how much this kind of loss and the helplessness to go with it hurt. It hurts a lot more than being willing to take risks to protect the people that are yours.
no subject
"I.. did not realise we were so similar," she slowly says. "My family was also murdered. And there was an attempt to kill me through flames as well, but I only narrowly escaped the fire."
That statement makes her look down at their joint hands as well. As if she could somehow magically see the burns appear on Wen Qing's skin, similarly to how they must have been there on her own skin when she was much, much younger. But no matter how much time passed, Alice still knows the feeling so well. It's only a reminder of how incredibly unfair the world is that someone would attempt to do something similar to someone as amazing as Wen Qing.
Alice can feel her blood start to boil, the familiar murderous impulse immediately rearing its head. But she knows it's a useless one here. The people who hurt Wen Qing and Wen Qing's family was far beyond her grasp, so she tries to force it back down instead.
"You are right though. It means we just have to work even harder to keep each other safe. No matter what happens."
no subject
She shakes her head, hoping to shake off these dark memories along with it.
Yet the frown won't leave, even if it isn't on her own behalf anymore. "I didn't realize that you had been caught in a fire, too," she says, that part is news to her. Infuriating news. "Is that another crime that the good doctor is responsible for?"
no subject
She nods. Suddenly Alice feels glad to have been pulled onto the train at the moment she was rather than earlier on. She hadn't had the opportunity yet to tell anyone that it had been his fault, rather than assuming it had been accidentally started by her the way she had for years and years.
"He.. set fire to our house to cover up his crime. My family perished in the flames, but I followed my cat out of the window. I was burned, but alive." She wishes she could say the same for Wen Qing. The way the other spoke of herself.. it seemed much more permanent. A fire with no hope for salvation. Alice quickly drags her thoughts away from it before the pit it forms inside of her chest threatens to swallow her whole. "That is why he involved himself with me again later in life. He was trying to get rid of the last remainder."
no subject
"He deserves to pay for his many crimes," she says, though she is sure Alice knows so already. It's just a confirmation so she knows they are on the same page. "I told you so before, but I promise again. If he shows up, you won't be facing him alone."
She looks down at her hand. "But for today, I hope you can rest easier knowing you aren't alone anymore." The rest, the dangers tangled up in Void Sickness and enemies from home both, won't be resolved in a day.
no subject
But the people who posted that message about voidsickness, about them being some rogue train.. those are new. Unpredictable.
Although it seems she's found protection even from them.
".. I will rest easier." She means it. It's obvious from the way Alice's tone gets softer, a bit more raw around the edges. There's nothing left to guard it, because there is no guarding necessary in front of Wen Qing of all people. "You have done so much for me, even though I'm sure you are aware of that. Your words.. they mean a lot to me." She squeezes the other's hands lightly for emphasis. "If there is anything at all you ever require, anyone at all who bothers you.. Please let me know. I will help you instantly, no matter when."
Because that's what friends do, she thinks.
It's a weird thought, but it also feels warm.