voidtreckerexpress | (open) i don't know how to word it

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(open) i don't know how to word it

Who: Inigo and you!
When: Fiddlesticks 27
Where: Sleeper carriages, luggage carriage
What: Inigo loses a boyfriend.
Warnings: None, just a very sad Inigo.

( scenario a - sleeper carriages )

Maybe you've already noticed it, but something about Inigo today seems.. off. Or at least, extra off, considering Inigo has already seemed to be acting more strangely than usually the past few days, especially since the day of the party.

But today? Today things have seemed to reach a fever pitch. Maybe you're worried enough to go check up on him, in which case you might find the guy in one of the hallways of the sleeper carriages, near his room. If you bother to ask him what's up though, he'll just laugh.

"What? No, I'm fine! Of course I'm fine, what could po--"

That's the exact moment he turns to head into his room to try and hide from this conversation, only to forget to scan his ticket. Which means he's just walking head-first into the door, causing him to topple over to the ground.

It's fine. He's fine. This is fine.

( scenario b - luggage carriage )

Inigo is trying really hard to carry on as usually. Really, he is. Because that's just what he does. He's not someone who sits around and mopes. Sure, the circumstances here may be different than the ones back home, but old habits are hard to give up, and Inigo's oldest and most stubborn habit is definitely the thought running through his mind that he has to be okay. He has to be strong. So despite the moments where he slips up and seems off, he tries so hard to laugh. And joke. As if nothing is up.

As if he doesn't feel like his heart has been torn straight out of his body.

But it's so hard to keep it up all the time. At least the shower is a good place to cry, but when Inigo finds it occupied exactly at the moment he needs it, he quickly tries to look for another place. He knows nowhere on the train is safe to hide from everyone, but he figures the luggage carriage is at least the furthest out of the way. It's the only option right now. It's either that, or crying in the middle of the train.

Which is why if you happen to be in the luggage carriage - or went looking for him everywhere only to end up here - you may find Inigo sitting on top of some suitcases. His knees are drawn up to his chest, and although that makes it impossible to see his face from the current angle, the telltale sounds of sobs are probably all anyone needs to see what's going on here.

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"I, uh.."

There's a bit of a croak at the end of that sentence, like his crying makes it hard for his words to trail off like that, and Inigo frowns at the realisation that there's no way he can hide this or smoothe it over. Tidus isn't a total idiot, there's no way he's going to believe it if Inigo says he's fine while he's sitting here crying in a far off corner of the train. No way to claim some dust got into his eyes or anything.

"You.. haven't checked the list of passengers lately, huh?"

Not that he expects everyone to check it obsessively. But Inigo just really doesn't want to have to say the words directly. Yuki is gone. Yuki is gone, and he rejected me almost right before he disappeared. He probably disappeared since he couldn't stand even being on the same train as me.

This is a dumb indirect way of saying it, but it's the best he can do right now. Unless he wants to start crying even harder again than the few tears that now roll down his cheeks fairly silently.

Tidus doesn't know what he means, not right away; his mind wondering what the passenger list can have to do with this, and then, wait, which name could it be? And there's two people that Tidus knows of importance to Inigo, for him to mention them in the past.

It could be either one. And which of the two it is doesn't matter, Tidus's face dropping further to a shared pain to see the state of Inigo. He takes a forward this time, his name a sympathetic misery on the end of his lips.

"Inigo..."

What can he do? What can he say--and he knows there's really nothing anyone can do to make these times better. But Tidus walks those last few steps over to Inigo, to the trunk that he sits on. He takes the edge of it, a squeeze that Tidus still gives Inigo room for by not fully resting on it, keeping himself steady by the placement of his feet and a hand between them.

"Sorry."

He doesn't look at him, head bowed to give him that privacy to his tears.

If there's anything that's appreciated about the way Tidus is handling this, it's the fact that he's not looking at Inigo. It feels a lot easier to not be super hard on himself for letting someone witness his tears when said person is at least not literally seeing them. So even though the situation may still be a little awkward and mostly very, very painful, it's not as awkward as it could be.

He sucks in a deep, shakey breath, unsure of what to say. There's nothing that could make this better and he knows it.

And when his brain can't think of what to say, of course the first stupid thing that comes to mind sneaks right out as Inigo buries his hands in his hair.

"Yuki actually turned me down. A while ago, back at the party. And now he disappeared."

Guess that makes two of them with awkward situations in that department, huh.

It's painful to hear, both the tears and Inigo's confession. The hand resting on his leg curls into a fist, his features tightening as the frustration of it sinks in. When Inigo was already unsure where he and his boyfriend stood, and then, now, the guy had disappeared. And why? What was the point of anything that happened on this damn train?

"It's not your fault," he says, a heat in his throat with the force he says it with. "If he's disappeared...there's a chance he'll come back, right? It happens. You'll get to talk when he comes back."

"There's a chance," he admits, his voice still a little broken as he says it.

Because he doesn't really believe it. Sure, there's technically a chance, but it doesn't feel like things ever work out that way for him. For some reason it's like he can already sense that he's for sure going to have to watch Yuki's unresponsive retreating back on the day they arrive at the next platform.

"But even then, I.." His voice trails off, and Inigo shakes his head before uselessly attempting to wipe some more tears away. "I don't think he likes me anymore. I'm pretty sure he realised I'm not all that great."

"That's not true," Tidus rejects before it can even sit in the air between them, be allowed a place in their conversation. "Did he say that? What happened between the two of you? You...proposed? And then what?"

There's more to these tears, but that apparent proposal--was it a proposal? Tidus can't imagine it being anything else, when they were already together--was as much a part of this as all the rest. And at least there, with the doubt and the self-deprecation that comes from that-- Tidus can address that. Try and give the comfort Inigo probably thinks he doesn't deserve, but does.

But the train up and taking his guy--that, he can't do anything about.

Proposed. Sweet Naga, Tidus just has to hit the painful nail right on the head, doesn't he. It's obvious how spot on he is too, because Inigo looks even more pained and embarrassed when he hears that word, nervously running his hand through his hair so fast that he's practically just ruffling it.

"It.. wasn't really a proposal.. Naga knows I would've done something bigger for that. But I.. I suppose it was slightly like that in spirit.." Honestly, it was him promising himself to Yuki into the future, so it was practically the same thing, huh. He feels like an even bigger idiot looking back on it now. "I had already told him before that I'd just come over to his world to live there with him as soon as I would have finished up some matters back home." He speaks slowly, if not just because recalling what exactly happened at the party is just painful.

"I'm not quite sure why, but he suddenly asked me if I could spend a month in his world before going back to my own.. And I was.. I was slightly hesitant about it, I suppose, since I am worried about the state of some things back in my own world, but I still agreed to do it as long as it'd make him happy. But then he.."

Inigo's voice trails off, and he shakes his head before burying it in his hands again. It makes the next part a bit more muffled, but still audible.

"He suddenly got all quiet.. And no matter what I said to reassure him, he told me to forget all about it. And then he just left."

What a mess. Can he say he knows what was going through Yuki's head? No--not really. Not with any certainty. There was something there unsaid, a trouble that spilled into this complicated state, and now Yuki couldn't explain his actions and what was on his mind until he (hopefully, Tidus hoped--) came back.

Love was so complicated. So was life.

"Maybe he got worried for you," Tidus remarks, putting no weight to the thought; there's really no basis for him to draw from. "I don't know the guy, but going to his world, settling down... it's a lot, you know? And you didn't do anything wrong," he states, knowing he'll need to, for whatever amount Inigo will believe it, "but, whatever you were asking him... who knows what could've been going through his head? Would you wanna stick with him when you got there? Would you change your mind and be stuck in his world? Maybe he got cold feet, I don't know. But I know he doesn't hate you."

Now Tidus looks at Inigo, as if he needs to face him with those words this time to ensure them. To make sure Inigo is hearing him.

"You both need to talk when he gets back," he says, knowing there's no other logical step to this problem. "No matter how hard it feels. You've gotta talk to each other."

By the time Tidus looks at him, Inigo is looking back at him. Very much looking like a wreck, considering how puffy his eyes look - he must have been in here crying for a while already now, by the looks of it - but he's still actually looking back at Tidus.

But that also makes it easy to see the very conflicted feeling in his eyes.

"I.. I don't think he wants to. I mean-- I've tried!" Maybe he should have full on stopped Yuki from leaving at that party. But in the moment it felt like such a controlling and manipulative thing to do, he couldn't bring himself to do it. "I tried telling him that I meant all of it, and I tried to assure him, but.."

He started to talk faster and faster, a near ramble, but that's the moment he has to stop again as he choked up, having to wipe some newly formed tears from his eyes.

".. but I also just really didn't know what he was thinking. For all either of us know, he could hate me. Maybe he wouldn't want to talk to me even if he does show up again."

He leans in just a touch, hand twisting with his arm supporting his weight on the trunk as he does. Inigo looks the wreck Tidus expected him to be, but it's not any of that he focuses on. No one looks good when they've been crying over a broken heart.

"But why? I don't believe that. You two were happy before this, weren't you?" Tidus reasons. "This is the only thing that's happened between you two?"

Unless there was something else going on in their relationship, thinking that the other guy hated him--it was almost childish, the way that Inigo was framing it. He was upset about something, but hate? But reason was never the friend of someone already distraught, and the train adding to an already stressful situation didn't help.

"I don't know."

He was happy. He knows that much. He was always happy around Yuki, but who knows what the other was thinking? If Yuki could suddenly start acting so strangely, then what could he have been thinking about all this time?

"There were times when.. when he was obviously thinking about something, but not talking about it. And sometimes I tried to push and get it out of him, and sometimes I didn't since I felt like it was too much.." He lets out a sorry breath. "It's as if I'm always doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. I push when I shouldn't, and I back down when I should go harder. Maybe he just couldn't take that anymore."

Inigo wouldn't be surprised. Nor would he blame Yuki. He was already amazed enough that someone like Yuki even wanted to date him to begin with. Inigo has had enough of a taste of many rejections to know not a whole lot of people would want to.

"You've got to have more faith in the both of you than that, don't you?"

It's a gentle chide, and barely a chide at all for that; a tease without straying away from the mood of their conversation. A bump to Inigo's shoulder with Tidus's own that he has to lean in to give him, a sympathetic but reassuring look on his face while he still looks at the other guy.

But his head turns as he starts to speak, gaze dropping to the space of ground between his legs. "You know, some things are just... hard to talk about. Even if you like each other a lot. You can think the whole world of them in a few months, but there's no saying you know the whole picture. You're afraid of screwing everything up, or you have good reasons for keeping quiet. But...opening up's hard. Some things aren't the right time."

Or a right time never comes. Tidus kicks his foot lightly once on the steel floor, a mishmash of thoughts in his head he never knew he would have. He wish life was simpler, tries to live by those rules himself. But life--he knows how harder it can be. The secrets people keep.

"I don't think you should give up. If you really like him, then sometimes, you're gonna have hurdles. It's gonna take time. But... I don't think he hates you." There's a light sound, a huff that might come from laughter.

"Nah. That's just you thinking the worse. ...But I get it."

Opening up being hard.. Yeah, Inigo knows all about that. There are so many things he's hiding from everyone on the train. From Tidus too. Even as he pretends to be open and gladly babbles on and on about the safe parts of his story, his mind is constantly so busy trying to pick out which parts to leave out, what to hold close to his chest and never reveal. But he did try with Yuki. He tried so damn hard. He told him every single thing he usually never told anyone, no matter how hard it was. Inigo wanted to make sure to be open with him to show how much he trusted him. But somehow he couldn't get Yuki to trust him the same way in return.

But that's exactly the thing he can't talk about here right now, since he can't just say he's constantly busy hiding everything about himself, it'd defeat the entire point.

It feels like something twists inside of his chest, and before he knows it a fresh wave of tears spills down his cheeks all over again, even stronger than before. Strong enough for him to be unable to talk for a moment, burying his face in his hands. He hates it, crying in front of someone else like this. It just makes everything feel worse.

"How do you even know he doesn't hate me?" It's all he manages to squeak out. "You-- you didn't even know him. You're just saying stuff to try and.. to try and cheer me up."

But it just makes it feel worse, since Tidus doesn't know the whole story. There's no way he could.

"'Cause nothing you've said sounds like he hates you," Tidus counters, earnest in its delivery. "He had something he wouldn't talk about, and you said that's all there's been, right? And that's something big, and you two have to work it out--but people don't keep secrets 'cause they hate them."

Not always, but especially not like this. Unless there's more to it that Inigo's left out, it's complicated, but hate--even if he doesn't know the guy, Tidus doesn't want to put that on the table. It doesn't make sense. And he doesn't want to imagine a guy like Inigo in a relationship like that.

But he doesn't want to bombard the guy as he's in the midst of tears, holding before speaking again. His head angled in Inigo's direction, but not looking at him fully. Still tipped down, but acknowledging where he is.

"Do you really think he does?"

There's a quiet pause, a few beats where Inigo can't help but cry before he's able to draw enough breath again to answer.

"Well.. I guess hate might be too strong of a word.." Even Inigo is able to reflect on how his mind always immediately jumps to the most overdramatic places. (Most of the time he can reflect on that, anyway.) He rubs at his eyes, which are starting to get stupidly red and puffy at this point. Which isn't too great, but at least it allows him to not look at Tidus for a moment more as he answers.

"But.. um.. perhaps 'dislike' is a better word? I know this is going to sound rather pathetic, and I fully realise you might just laugh at me for it, but people usually aren't too fond of me. That's what already made me worried that Yuki eventually would reach the conclusion that it was a mistake to start a relationship with me."

...admittedly, Tidus does want to laugh when he hears that, or rather the end of what Inigo says--even if it's a laugh of surprise. There's a small intake of air that he stops becoming anything other than that; a held mouth, released when he says, dumbfounded:

"Well, forget everyone else! Who cares about them? If there's people who don't like you, what do they matter anyway?" Maybe it's too strong of a defensive to make at a time like this, speaking with a spirit of an opinion he's always held close to his heart.

But that doesn't stop Tidus, shaking his head before looking at Inigo again. And he shuffles himself in closer to him, nudging him with an arm.

"I like you. And Yuki..." He cocks his head the other side, letting it loll some. "I don't wanna speak much for the guy, but it sounded like the two of you were serious before this, y'know?"

So maybe his tone has turn somewhat sly, mischievous. His weight on his arms propped straight with his hands on the lid of the trunk.

"If just this stupid train didn't get in the way..."

They were serious. At least, Inigo knows he was absolutely serious about everything he said. Sure, he moved a little quicker than Yuki, but it's not like he'd promise just anyone to go along with them back to their world and just leave his own behind...

But then again, maybe that was exactly the reason for everything getting so weird. Maybe he was too serious, and-- you know what?

Right now he just really doesn't want to think about all of this anymore. He'd just start to bawl all over again, and his eyes hurt. And he's tired. He just wants to stop thinking for a moment. Wants to stop feeling so much.

So Inigo just lets out a heavy sigh.

".. Tidus. Just.."

The other is pretty close to him now, but not close enough yet to fully breach the gap. At least it's obvious what Inigo wants as he's reaching out with an arm. Just give the poor kid a hug, Tidus. He needs it.

"Come on. Just for a moment."

A small "hm?" escapes Tidus as he hears Inigo, drawn away from his gloomy, mopey thoughts about the train and its injustices. There were names he recognised as well coloured gold on the passenger list, and he might take a look to search for Yuki later, be reminded of another bitterness when he reads that name.

But those thoughts are pushed aside as he sees Inigo sitting there with an arm out, and Tidus looks at him. Blankly. From Inigo's face to the arm with a slight shift of his head, and.

...

...

"...do you want a hug...?"

Asked with the most tentative delivery because he doesn't want to embarrass Inigo by asking but he doesn't know what else he's asking for.............!?

Honestly, this is 100% the reaction Inigo would have gotten from most of his group of friends back home.

And yet he's gotten so used to the way people on the train seem to be so open and okay with the idea of hugging him - and him indulging in that - that the way Tidus reacts during this moment of vulnerability is definitely embarrassing. Inigo feels like he is embarrassing himself here, anyway, and so his cheeks grow pink.

(A very sad pink. It's reminiscent of a kicked puppy.)

"Please don't make me spell it out."

There's no avoiding embarrassment, is there? And Tidus feels bad for the way Inigo reacts to, wondering if it wasn't a stupid question to ask and that he should've just--known. But it's unfamiliar to him, at least for a guy to ask for and... want.

Rather, it's awkward, even if it's an awkward that Tidus is willing to ignore.

So Tidus does, with a small lost second between Inigo's plea and when he starts to lean in, aiming his nearest arm to...go...somewhere over Inigo's shoulder, except he has to shuffle in some more, and. Okay, so now that arm's there, what does he do with the rest of himself...? this is not a great position for hugging.

Maybe if he just stays leaned forward, he can see what Inigo does and do more? Or...

oh.

wait.

....he can pat Inigo slowly on the back....

This is quite possibly the most awkward situation Inigo has ever found himself in. And that's saying something. Awkward situations is basically Inigo's middle name. If he even had a last name. But still.

He lets out a groan, because honestly, this feels like it's just making things worse, not better. Inigo scrambles to align his brain with anything that doesn't involve his current personal misery which obviously is not going to be solved by this less-than-half-assed hug, and so he ends up arriving at: "Did.. no one ever hug you before or what?"

Usually he would sound like he's joking about that, or childishly whining, but right now he more just sounds like he's about to straight up burst out into tears all over again.

Tidus hoped that he was the only one experiencing this awkward, stiff sensation and that it came from an inner doubt that he was somehow doing a hug wrong than actually....because he was doing a hug wrong. But that groan leaves little to be desired (his hugs, a lot more), and the way that Inigo sounds on the verge of tears because of him has Tidus stuttering out a choked sound.

"I-I know how to hug!" he throws out defensively. "I've never hugged guys like this before!"

Said, as if there's an obvious difference to how one should hug guys. But Inigo has asked for it, and if he's going to criticise him on his hugging skills, the arm around Inigo's back wraps completely around his back and pulls him towards Tidus, the other going and joining it.

"Here! Is this what you want? C'mon, you can't get sad over this...!"

please. don't do that to him.

Don't worry, Tidus. He won't do that to you.

He'll do worse.

And by that I mean that this is a hug much more on the level that Inigo expected. But that also means he's definitely going to indulge in said hug because of how much he needs it right now. The moment Tidus properly hugs him like that, Inigo doesn't say anything. There's no dumb usual reply. Instead he just leans into the hug, burying his face into Tidus' shoulder as his hands move to grab the back of the other guy's shirt.

At least he doesn't cry, but there's something so vulnerable about Inigo as he full on leans against Tidus to find some comfort. It makes him look smaller than usually.

He still doesn't say anything. Sorry, bro, but you'll just have to awkwardly endure this for a moment..

Tidus is waiting on some criticism, maybe a shut up--so when he gets nothing but raw emotion enveloping, his complaints and readied defences slip away from his throat, anything he could have verbally expressed gone.

There's the nag of a comparison he doesn't want to make, that doesn't exist in any part of this. But his bottom lip twitches, the thought refusing to leave; and he holds onto Inigo tighter, realising his hypocrisy, what a bad friend he's been. Because he knows how easy it is for someone to disappear, to be gone, and they won't be back. He knows how desperately you want to hold them one last time, but--you can't. You won't.

But he wanted to avoid it, even when Inigo needed more than his reassurances.

He wants to apologise for it, for being a liar; but he knows better than to say anything, so instead-- Tidus hopes Inigo's story won't end the same as his did with Yuna. That Yuki will come back, and not leave behind the future waiting for him here.

That he'll be the one to comfort Inigo soon, like this, just as he had wanted to for Yuna when he was the one disappearing.

Inigo lingers like that for a while. Maybe he should be thinking better of this - mostly since Tidus seemed so awkward with the idea of a hug before, and yet here Inigo is extending it from moments to minutes. But it's hard to think of someone else when this feels like the first real comfort he's had in.. well, a while, really. Even though Yuki only just disappeared, Inigo has already been walking around with the discomfort of the other avoiding him for days and days now, after all. And his impulse to try and seem like he's doing okay is just a little too dumb and strong for him to have sought out help before help found him today.

The tears (thankfully, Inigo would think) still don't come, but his pain is still very much obvious in the way he's clinging to Tidus almost desperately. In the way Inigo's shoulders slightly shake with unheard dry sobs.

It feels like an eternity before he can catch enough of a steady breath again to trust himself enough to let go of Tidus. He moves back - though slowly, not wanting to break Tidus' hold too quickly - until he's sitting down by himself again.

".. Thank you." He hesitates on what to say next, before slowly trying, ".. That wasn't.. too strange, was it?"

Since Tidus seemed so awkward and hesitant about it before it turned into a proper hug. Sure, that hug did comfort him a lot just now (even though it obviously didn't take all of the pain away) but he'd feel bad if it came at the cost of his friend's comfort.

(open) i don't know how to word it

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