voidtreckerexpress | (open) i don't know how to word it

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(open) i don't know how to word it

Who: Inigo and you!
When: Fiddlesticks 27
Where: Sleeper carriages, luggage carriage
What: Inigo loses a boyfriend.
Warnings: None, just a very sad Inigo.

( scenario a - sleeper carriages )

Maybe you've already noticed it, but something about Inigo today seems.. off. Or at least, extra off, considering Inigo has already seemed to be acting more strangely than usually the past few days, especially since the day of the party.

But today? Today things have seemed to reach a fever pitch. Maybe you're worried enough to go check up on him, in which case you might find the guy in one of the hallways of the sleeper carriages, near his room. If you bother to ask him what's up though, he'll just laugh.

"What? No, I'm fine! Of course I'm fine, what could po--"

That's the exact moment he turns to head into his room to try and hide from this conversation, only to forget to scan his ticket. Which means he's just walking head-first into the door, causing him to topple over to the ground.

It's fine. He's fine. This is fine.

( scenario b - luggage carriage )

Inigo is trying really hard to carry on as usually. Really, he is. Because that's just what he does. He's not someone who sits around and mopes. Sure, the circumstances here may be different than the ones back home, but old habits are hard to give up, and Inigo's oldest and most stubborn habit is definitely the thought running through his mind that he has to be okay. He has to be strong. So despite the moments where he slips up and seems off, he tries so hard to laugh. And joke. As if nothing is up.

As if he doesn't feel like his heart has been torn straight out of his body.

But it's so hard to keep it up all the time. At least the shower is a good place to cry, but when Inigo finds it occupied exactly at the moment he needs it, he quickly tries to look for another place. He knows nowhere on the train is safe to hide from everyone, but he figures the luggage carriage is at least the furthest out of the way. It's the only option right now. It's either that, or crying in the middle of the train.

Which is why if you happen to be in the luggage carriage - or went looking for him everywhere only to end up here - you may find Inigo sitting on top of some suitcases. His knees are drawn up to his chest, and although that makes it impossible to see his face from the current angle, the telltale sounds of sobs are probably all anyone needs to see what's going on here.

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"You've got to have more faith in the both of you than that, don't you?"

It's a gentle chide, and barely a chide at all for that; a tease without straying away from the mood of their conversation. A bump to Inigo's shoulder with Tidus's own that he has to lean in to give him, a sympathetic but reassuring look on his face while he still looks at the other guy.

But his head turns as he starts to speak, gaze dropping to the space of ground between his legs. "You know, some things are just... hard to talk about. Even if you like each other a lot. You can think the whole world of them in a few months, but there's no saying you know the whole picture. You're afraid of screwing everything up, or you have good reasons for keeping quiet. But...opening up's hard. Some things aren't the right time."

Or a right time never comes. Tidus kicks his foot lightly once on the steel floor, a mishmash of thoughts in his head he never knew he would have. He wish life was simpler, tries to live by those rules himself. But life--he knows how harder it can be. The secrets people keep.

"I don't think you should give up. If you really like him, then sometimes, you're gonna have hurdles. It's gonna take time. But... I don't think he hates you." There's a light sound, a huff that might come from laughter.

"Nah. That's just you thinking the worse. ...But I get it."

Opening up being hard.. Yeah, Inigo knows all about that. There are so many things he's hiding from everyone on the train. From Tidus too. Even as he pretends to be open and gladly babbles on and on about the safe parts of his story, his mind is constantly so busy trying to pick out which parts to leave out, what to hold close to his chest and never reveal. But he did try with Yuki. He tried so damn hard. He told him every single thing he usually never told anyone, no matter how hard it was. Inigo wanted to make sure to be open with him to show how much he trusted him. But somehow he couldn't get Yuki to trust him the same way in return.

But that's exactly the thing he can't talk about here right now, since he can't just say he's constantly busy hiding everything about himself, it'd defeat the entire point.

It feels like something twists inside of his chest, and before he knows it a fresh wave of tears spills down his cheeks all over again, even stronger than before. Strong enough for him to be unable to talk for a moment, burying his face in his hands. He hates it, crying in front of someone else like this. It just makes everything feel worse.

"How do you even know he doesn't hate me?" It's all he manages to squeak out. "You-- you didn't even know him. You're just saying stuff to try and.. to try and cheer me up."

But it just makes it feel worse, since Tidus doesn't know the whole story. There's no way he could.

"'Cause nothing you've said sounds like he hates you," Tidus counters, earnest in its delivery. "He had something he wouldn't talk about, and you said that's all there's been, right? And that's something big, and you two have to work it out--but people don't keep secrets 'cause they hate them."

Not always, but especially not like this. Unless there's more to it that Inigo's left out, it's complicated, but hate--even if he doesn't know the guy, Tidus doesn't want to put that on the table. It doesn't make sense. And he doesn't want to imagine a guy like Inigo in a relationship like that.

But he doesn't want to bombard the guy as he's in the midst of tears, holding before speaking again. His head angled in Inigo's direction, but not looking at him fully. Still tipped down, but acknowledging where he is.

"Do you really think he does?"

There's a quiet pause, a few beats where Inigo can't help but cry before he's able to draw enough breath again to answer.

"Well.. I guess hate might be too strong of a word.." Even Inigo is able to reflect on how his mind always immediately jumps to the most overdramatic places. (Most of the time he can reflect on that, anyway.) He rubs at his eyes, which are starting to get stupidly red and puffy at this point. Which isn't too great, but at least it allows him to not look at Tidus for a moment more as he answers.

"But.. um.. perhaps 'dislike' is a better word? I know this is going to sound rather pathetic, and I fully realise you might just laugh at me for it, but people usually aren't too fond of me. That's what already made me worried that Yuki eventually would reach the conclusion that it was a mistake to start a relationship with me."

...admittedly, Tidus does want to laugh when he hears that, or rather the end of what Inigo says--even if it's a laugh of surprise. There's a small intake of air that he stops becoming anything other than that; a held mouth, released when he says, dumbfounded:

"Well, forget everyone else! Who cares about them? If there's people who don't like you, what do they matter anyway?" Maybe it's too strong of a defensive to make at a time like this, speaking with a spirit of an opinion he's always held close to his heart.

But that doesn't stop Tidus, shaking his head before looking at Inigo again. And he shuffles himself in closer to him, nudging him with an arm.

"I like you. And Yuki..." He cocks his head the other side, letting it loll some. "I don't wanna speak much for the guy, but it sounded like the two of you were serious before this, y'know?"

So maybe his tone has turn somewhat sly, mischievous. His weight on his arms propped straight with his hands on the lid of the trunk.

"If just this stupid train didn't get in the way..."

They were serious. At least, Inigo knows he was absolutely serious about everything he said. Sure, he moved a little quicker than Yuki, but it's not like he'd promise just anyone to go along with them back to their world and just leave his own behind...

But then again, maybe that was exactly the reason for everything getting so weird. Maybe he was too serious, and-- you know what?

Right now he just really doesn't want to think about all of this anymore. He'd just start to bawl all over again, and his eyes hurt. And he's tired. He just wants to stop thinking for a moment. Wants to stop feeling so much.

So Inigo just lets out a heavy sigh.

".. Tidus. Just.."

The other is pretty close to him now, but not close enough yet to fully breach the gap. At least it's obvious what Inigo wants as he's reaching out with an arm. Just give the poor kid a hug, Tidus. He needs it.

"Come on. Just for a moment."

A small "hm?" escapes Tidus as he hears Inigo, drawn away from his gloomy, mopey thoughts about the train and its injustices. There were names he recognised as well coloured gold on the passenger list, and he might take a look to search for Yuki later, be reminded of another bitterness when he reads that name.

But those thoughts are pushed aside as he sees Inigo sitting there with an arm out, and Tidus looks at him. Blankly. From Inigo's face to the arm with a slight shift of his head, and.

...

...

"...do you want a hug...?"

Asked with the most tentative delivery because he doesn't want to embarrass Inigo by asking but he doesn't know what else he's asking for.............!?

Honestly, this is 100% the reaction Inigo would have gotten from most of his group of friends back home.

And yet he's gotten so used to the way people on the train seem to be so open and okay with the idea of hugging him - and him indulging in that - that the way Tidus reacts during this moment of vulnerability is definitely embarrassing. Inigo feels like he is embarrassing himself here, anyway, and so his cheeks grow pink.

(A very sad pink. It's reminiscent of a kicked puppy.)

"Please don't make me spell it out."

There's no avoiding embarrassment, is there? And Tidus feels bad for the way Inigo reacts to, wondering if it wasn't a stupid question to ask and that he should've just--known. But it's unfamiliar to him, at least for a guy to ask for and... want.

Rather, it's awkward, even if it's an awkward that Tidus is willing to ignore.

So Tidus does, with a small lost second between Inigo's plea and when he starts to lean in, aiming his nearest arm to...go...somewhere over Inigo's shoulder, except he has to shuffle in some more, and. Okay, so now that arm's there, what does he do with the rest of himself...? this is not a great position for hugging.

Maybe if he just stays leaned forward, he can see what Inigo does and do more? Or...

oh.

wait.

....he can pat Inigo slowly on the back....

This is quite possibly the most awkward situation Inigo has ever found himself in. And that's saying something. Awkward situations is basically Inigo's middle name. If he even had a last name. But still.

He lets out a groan, because honestly, this feels like it's just making things worse, not better. Inigo scrambles to align his brain with anything that doesn't involve his current personal misery which obviously is not going to be solved by this less-than-half-assed hug, and so he ends up arriving at: "Did.. no one ever hug you before or what?"

Usually he would sound like he's joking about that, or childishly whining, but right now he more just sounds like he's about to straight up burst out into tears all over again.

Tidus hoped that he was the only one experiencing this awkward, stiff sensation and that it came from an inner doubt that he was somehow doing a hug wrong than actually....because he was doing a hug wrong. But that groan leaves little to be desired (his hugs, a lot more), and the way that Inigo sounds on the verge of tears because of him has Tidus stuttering out a choked sound.

"I-I know how to hug!" he throws out defensively. "I've never hugged guys like this before!"

Said, as if there's an obvious difference to how one should hug guys. But Inigo has asked for it, and if he's going to criticise him on his hugging skills, the arm around Inigo's back wraps completely around his back and pulls him towards Tidus, the other going and joining it.

"Here! Is this what you want? C'mon, you can't get sad over this...!"

please. don't do that to him.

Don't worry, Tidus. He won't do that to you.

He'll do worse.

And by that I mean that this is a hug much more on the level that Inigo expected. But that also means he's definitely going to indulge in said hug because of how much he needs it right now. The moment Tidus properly hugs him like that, Inigo doesn't say anything. There's no dumb usual reply. Instead he just leans into the hug, burying his face into Tidus' shoulder as his hands move to grab the back of the other guy's shirt.

At least he doesn't cry, but there's something so vulnerable about Inigo as he full on leans against Tidus to find some comfort. It makes him look smaller than usually.

He still doesn't say anything. Sorry, bro, but you'll just have to awkwardly endure this for a moment..

Tidus is waiting on some criticism, maybe a shut up--so when he gets nothing but raw emotion enveloping, his complaints and readied defences slip away from his throat, anything he could have verbally expressed gone.

There's the nag of a comparison he doesn't want to make, that doesn't exist in any part of this. But his bottom lip twitches, the thought refusing to leave; and he holds onto Inigo tighter, realising his hypocrisy, what a bad friend he's been. Because he knows how easy it is for someone to disappear, to be gone, and they won't be back. He knows how desperately you want to hold them one last time, but--you can't. You won't.

But he wanted to avoid it, even when Inigo needed more than his reassurances.

He wants to apologise for it, for being a liar; but he knows better than to say anything, so instead-- Tidus hopes Inigo's story won't end the same as his did with Yuna. That Yuki will come back, and not leave behind the future waiting for him here.

That he'll be the one to comfort Inigo soon, like this, just as he had wanted to for Yuna when he was the one disappearing.

Inigo lingers like that for a while. Maybe he should be thinking better of this - mostly since Tidus seemed so awkward with the idea of a hug before, and yet here Inigo is extending it from moments to minutes. But it's hard to think of someone else when this feels like the first real comfort he's had in.. well, a while, really. Even though Yuki only just disappeared, Inigo has already been walking around with the discomfort of the other avoiding him for days and days now, after all. And his impulse to try and seem like he's doing okay is just a little too dumb and strong for him to have sought out help before help found him today.

The tears (thankfully, Inigo would think) still don't come, but his pain is still very much obvious in the way he's clinging to Tidus almost desperately. In the way Inigo's shoulders slightly shake with unheard dry sobs.

It feels like an eternity before he can catch enough of a steady breath again to trust himself enough to let go of Tidus. He moves back - though slowly, not wanting to break Tidus' hold too quickly - until he's sitting down by himself again.

".. Thank you." He hesitates on what to say next, before slowly trying, ".. That wasn't.. too strange, was it?"

Since Tidus seemed so awkward and hesitant about it before it turned into a proper hug. Sure, that hug did comfort him a lot just now (even though it obviously didn't take all of the pain away) but he'd feel bad if it came at the cost of his friend's comfort.

Tidus doesn't disturb him. His keeps Inigo in his arms, allowing his body to be the comfort that the other guy needs--whatever small amount that can be, ultimately. One of his hands at times rubbing at his back; a gesture he can't recall if his mother ever did for him, or that he saw in some media, and that's how he knows it's something you do to soothe another.

But he keeps down his own guilt, his own unsettled emotions. Or were those the reasons that this didn't feel so wrong or awkward anymore? He could do without the shame, even if that might've been what was compelling him to think of nothing else right now than Inigo, when being his friend should've been enough.

When Inigo finally stirs in the way of actual movement, Tidus relaxes his hold on him until he can be sure he wants to back off. His arms slipping until his hands stay rested on Inigo's sides, in no rush to be taken back, this whole event buried and forgotten. When Inigo looks at him, he meets him with a sympathetic look, no smiles but the press of his mouth before he speaks, a reassurance to go with his words.

"It's fine. If you want to stay like this a while longer..." He then thinks, offers, "We can go somewhere more comfortable. Whatever you want- I'll stay with you."

Honestly, he was hoping Tidus would say it wasn't strange. Inigo would have hated to have made him awkward just because he's an emotional crybaby at his core who can't go without hugs.

But this reaction.. is unexpected. Completely. The moment he's met with that sympathetic look, and the way Tidus' hands still linger.. it freezes Inigo up, though not necessarily in a rigid way. It's more just that he can't really move - can't do much more than stare back at Tidus as he listens to those words.

"You're sure?"

A blush starts to form on his cheeks, slowly creeping up to his ears. It's just weirdly touching. Tidus went from saying he's never hugged guys like this before all the way to making this offer. Just for him.

And a touching gesture like that when Inigo is already emotional to begin with is so much. He can feel his eyes starting to water up, and since he's looking directly at Tidus, there's no way to hide it. He just lets it do its thing.

"I mean.. If you wouldn't mind, maybe we could go over to my bunk and nap together..? I-- It probably sounds ridiculous, but it always helps me to do that with company."

Tidus knows what he was offering, and that he made the offer wanting Inigo to take it than decline. But it doesn't mean that some part of him--knowing the request isn't asking for more, that Inigo's just looking for what Tidus knows he is: company--doesn't react with embarrassment, a small sound escaping from his lips, colour not forming on his cheeks but Tidus still feeling a pinch.

But it's minuscule, with the face staring back at him. Hurt, wanting; and that tug that makes him think of Yuna yanks at him with it, makes his answer leave his mouth before he can let himself think of what he's getting himself into.

"Alright."

He takes back his hands and stands, legs a little cramped from sitting so low but otherwise fine. The jokes or defences that may have been expected minutes ago nowhere to be found, not even creeping in Tidus's own mind. It's not the time.

Even as Tidus agrees and stands up, Inigo just stares at him for another moment, not quite making the same motion yet himself. His brain needs that another moment to catch up with the current situation. Even with Tidus half-offering it himself, rejection is so ingrained in Inigo's brain that he honestly expected the other to back out somehow. Or to call him out on how ridiculous his request is.

And yet Tidus doesn't. He just says alright. Sure, he looks a little muted compared to the way he usually acts, but he doesn't seem angry. Or like he's making fun of him.

Inigo feels the water in his eyes now forming tears that properly roll down his cheeks, but he doesn't do something about it right away. Instead he takes his time standing up as well, looking at Tidus for another moment before realising he ought to wipe the tears away if they're going to have to make their way out of here and to Inigo's cabin. It's only then that his hand moves up to his face while speaking.

".. Thank you. This.. really means a lot to me."

He nods his head simply. The vulnerability before him is strange to behold, nothing Tidus expected to witness out of Inigo--perhaps nobody on board, except maybe some of the younger kids. He doesn't know what to say to it, so he says nothing, pulling his lip in the ghost of reassurance, nodding his head, and turning to head towards the doors for want of nothing else to do.

But his slow pace slows more, coming to a stop before he reaches them. His head hanging, and a voice in his throat after all. Some need to speak, as if otherwise would be deceitful. Some kind of honesty he wants to share, even if he can't do it in front of Inigo's crying face.

He doesn't know if this is the time or place--other than it's there, slipping out before he can think twice.

"Someone disappeared, where I came from. They faded away in front of everyone they knew, and...the person that loved them. They couldn't comfort them. They slipped right through him, and all he could do was...pretend to hold her."

And he feels as hollow now, recounting it. Holding out a hand without looking to anyone to take it.

"I'll be here... as long as I can be."

Inigo is about to follow Tidus, but then is stopped right in his tracks by those words. It's not something he expected the other to say right now.. but then again, hasn't he already been caught by surprise by Tidus' offer? Maybe this is just the point from which everything is going to be surprising.

Maybe it's since Inigo is already emotional as hell right now, but those words tug heavily at his heartstrings anyway, despite knowing nothing else about the situation Tidus is talking about. But it's just something about Tidus saying it.. It has to be about himself, right? Or at least a situation he was close to.

After ensuring that there's no longer any tears on his face - though his eyes are still red from crying, but there's not much he can do about that - Inigo finally steps forward until he's next to the other guy rather than staring at Tidus' back, and before the other can say or do anything, Inigo grabs a hold of his hand, firmly holding it in his own.

"That's right."

Despite everything, despite the way his heart still aches right now.. Inigo manages a smile. And it's not forced, not the kind he puts up to pretend he's okay when he isn't. The pain is still evident in this one anyway, so it'd be the lamest possible coverup. But despite the pain in it, it's genuine. There's something glad about it, or at the very least grateful.

"I mean.. we're basically best buds now." Surely you qualify for that after seeing each other get stupidly emotional and then going off to nap together, right? "And it's not like there's anything out there that can separate those. Not even a dumb train."

Tidus doesn't have the strength for it--if that what it is, this aversion to turn and look Inigo in the face, to acknowledge his presence beside him. But he doesn't reconsider the hand, though his grip is nothing at first, just one held in another.

But when Inigo speaks his reassurance, his belief--Tidus laughs lightly, short and fond. A tug of his lips that could be a smile, his eyes closing for the dip of his head that might be a nod. There and then gone, and then Tidus squeezes Inigo's hand.

"Yeah. The people who meant something to you...they're always with you."

He allows a pause of air with those words, but then he's moving, though not with any particular rush; a "C'mon" and his free hand pressing on the button to slide open the door, the humming of the void outside a whisper to the ears in the space between the cars.

Inigo's got a room to get them to, even if Tidus will take the lead on getting them going.

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(open) i don't know how to word it

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