Open Log

[xue_yang]

Who: Xue Yang & you!
What: Dealing with the aftermath of the murder, the public post and having the pain of hundreds of people killing him in his mind
When: The first week of Grasshopper
Where: Medical Car
Warnings: Talk of Murder, trauma of mental torture



He doesn't know how long the pain went on. All he knows is that everyone he has ever killed, got a chance to return the favor. At first it didn't bother him. He is basically dead anyway, so what difference does dying by the hand of all these faceless nobodies make? But then it kept going. And eventually there was a flash of white. Long white robes, a face that is covered by a blindfold and a sword slicing across Xue Yang's neck. That is when it started to truly get to him.

Somewhere along the way as more and more people came to take their revenge, the images started to slow as if outside of his mind something was trying to stop the torment. He saw the murder that had started all of this. A borrowed sword being pressed into his stomach by a young girl with eyes many thought were blind. But he knew the truth. They could see everything he had done on this world and the previous. But that light in his mind was growing brighter, a warmth and the sound of music reaching his ears. And just as that same sword that had sliced his neck was about to start peeling the flesh from his bones..it all stopped.

His mind is quiet. A dark nothingness for..days. But nothingness is better then the nightmares of dying hundreds of times. When his eyes finally open, there is the bright light of the medical car shining over his head. He can hear movement in the room so he knows he isn't alone. He doesn't know how he got here or who woke him up but the fact is..he is at least physically still alive.

He pushes himself into a sitting position, his body stiff from days of laying motionless in one spot. He pushes back so he can rest his back against the headboard for support. He reaches up to rub at his eyes and face. He feels like a shell of what he once was. As if everything inside him has been ripped out and all that is left is the body. And even that just feels numb..

"Why am I alive?" Because he feels like he should be dead and that perhaps someone didn't finish the job they started.

Comments

[so_dark_a_road]

Curufin has been here for days, either outside the room standing guard as he had promised the Council he would, or sitting in a chair inside the room. Because he was briefly in the Medical Carriage when Wen Qing and Lightening brought Xue Yang in, he knows they were doing their healing work and that they had asked Lan WangJi to bring his guqin in and see what he could do.

Curufin had no real way of knowing what state Xue Yang was in, at least not without using his own psychic skills. He thought of employing a vision spell, but that would have been highly intrusive and probably unnecessary now. Still, he had brought his flute, and during the following days, he sometimes made Elvish music. The tunes were soft and melodious, crafted to bring to mind a flowing stream in a forest, sunlight on the leaves, the wind blowing over the heather on a mountainside. Probably Xue Yang could not hear this music, as the only impression that Curufin could gather from being in the same room with him was that the man was sunk in darkness. Still, it might in some fashion be soothing, or at least quieting to the body that was lying there and must be striving to heal itself and its mind.

Today, he has been making a few notes for a ballad he wrote a long time ago and is still revising. He has just reached down to put his notebook back in his rucksack when Xue Yang stirs, opens his eyes, sits up and asks his question. Curufin gives him an honest answer, but he speaks softly and smiles a little.

"I'm not sure if the spell that the vigilante cast on you was supposed to kill you or not. If it was, your life was saved by others. Or possibly you are just too tough to kill, at least in that way."

[xue_yang]

"Why would anyone want to save me?" He lowers his hand down, looking over at the man at his bedside. Even though he didn't see the broadcast, part of the punishment was that his crimes would be known. So he is sure that the information was given to the appropriate parties. He figures punishment is still in his future despite the suffering he has already endured.

And yet despite the question, he doesn't find it surprising that it is Curufin at his bedside. The man had put himself out there to try and befriend him, even buying him a glove. But even despite that, if what he has done has become common knowledge then he expects that no one would want to be anywhere near him. No one should want to help him.

[so_dark_a_road]

"I guess the reasons are complicated. The medical people on the train are healers first and foremost. They are pledged to help anyone who is sick or injured, no matter what. And as for me, I haven't told you much of my history, but in my world I committed unforgivable crimes in the name of the goals I had at that time. But now, I have a very different life, and it's mostly because shortly before my death, I decided to follow other ideals and I've followed up on that decision ever since. Still, it might not have worked if I had not received the kindness of people who wanted to help me. And therefore, I want to help you."

He gives a small sigh. This is indeed a complicated situation, and he still doesn't know what will happen. "Others may have mentioned this to you, or you may not know it yet, but when people die on the train or on missions, they don't just disappear, the train brings them back to life. So, you can't leave the train simply by dying. You were going to come back anyway, and only you know what you will do in the future. I strongly believe that our chances of not having another killing on the train depends on how we treat you now."

The kindness in his dark eyes is still there.

[achickenformylove]

In his errands for the day, which had quickly taken up more of his schedule than he had been expected, he had included coming to check on Xue Yang. He had, after all, been one of those who had come to try and help him come out of the coma the attack had induced. He had brought his guqin with him, in case he should have to play for him again. He had been coming once a day since it had happened.

This time when he came in, Xue Yang was sitting up and he just happened to catch those words.

"As I understand it, that is probably a valid question to ask after what happened, what you saw."

[xue_yang]

He lowers his hand down and looks up at the man that enters. He doesn't expect that this one is here to visit him. Even though he remembers music, a familiar instrument trying to bust through the pain, he would never have expected that this particular individual would have had any interest in helping him.

"I saw my own death more times then one should be expected to watch it. Do you believe that punishment to be just?"

He wonders if this man is one that sides with the vigilante justice that was put on him.

[achickenformylove]

"In my opinion, that is excessive punishment. I wouldn't wish that on someone."

Yes, he would carry out an execution order, but that was over once it was carried out. After that, it was up to that person and fate what should happen. To see one's self die so many times without end was too much.

[knifewithnoname]

Well.

She doesn't have an answer to that and she hadn't expected a question like that the moment she entered the medical bay. But perhaps he had not been speaking to her. He certainly doesn't look focused enough to have noticed her yet.

"Because for some reason no one do be staying dead here." She shrugged. She's not actually sure he died at all, someone had mentioned that he hadn't been dead. But was there much difference? Tortured to a death you woke from or tortured to a coma you woke from?

Much the same thing. She wrinkled her nose.

[xue_yang]

He lowers his hand and looks over at the voice that answers him. "some deserve to stay dead." He would fall into that category and believes that there are many that would agree with him. But here he sits instead. Dead on the inside. Mind broken and what feels like his entire spirit and soul wiped clean. He feels empty.

So why is she here? To stare at the shell of a person. To see what the train's murderer is doing now.

"I'm surprised they are allowing visitors." Because certainly he has been deemed dangerous.

[knifewithnoname]

She shrugs at that. Who deserves to die is a question way beyond her. She kills who she is told to. She doesn't make those decisions, they are not hers to make. People not staying dead is a very new concept and one she doesn't know what to feel about.

"They do no no be allowing them." She will leave if someone tells her to get out. But until then, she wrinkles her nose as she looks at him.

She doesn't know what to say really. Knowing the price of getting caught is one thing, but surviving that price... That's a whole different thing and the fact he is living and breathing.

"Did you no be knowing that? That people do be coming back?"

Because that's the only reason she thinks he might believe he would get away with murder.

[dredefulchilde]

Joscelin had come into the medical car without thinking, looking to pass the time by chatting with the Doctor, when comes face to face with him. The murderer who had killed that girl. His breath catches and he looks visibly startled and afraid for a moment until he calms himself and regards the prisoner cooly.

“Why are you alive? You killed that girl. There’s an entire train full of people out for your throat.”

[xue_yang]

He narrows his eyes at this one that has entered and interrupted his thoughts. Of course there are people who would still wish to see him punished further. He is not surprised by that at all. And let them come.

"I had my reasons for doing so. Not that anyone ever cares about that. If they desire my throat then let them come. I've already been killed hundreds of times now thanks to someone on this train, what is a few dozen more times?."

[radishlobbyist]

She had fought to save his mind when he was unconscious and gripped in the throes of the torture technique, yet now that he is awake again, Wen Qing doesn't feel much inclination to be particularly coddling in her mannerism. It's never been her way, her bedside manner curt more than warm with precious few exceptions.

Yet she is still determined to tend to him, watch out for his physical well-being and as much as his mental recovery as well, if he will permit it. She hadn't cared one way or the other when he showed up on the train, had just wanted to be left alone by unplesant reminders of her old life to continue the new. Maybe it's not that simple.

She comes in bearing a tray with carrot soup and bland congee, giving him a stern look.

"You need to eat."

[xue_yang]

He looks at her as she brings the food. He knows that most of his recovery is probably thanks to her..as ironic as it is that she would be the one forced into making sure he survives.

"Is this so I can get out of your way sooner?"

But he will accept the tray because he hasn't eaten in days and if he does actually want to have the energy to get on his feet, he will need it.

[radishlobbyist]

"Yes, that's exactly why, you have seen right through my plot," she retorts in an utterly dry tone of voice, giving him an unimpressed look for that little bit of snark.

Once she has put down the tray for him she crosses her arms over her chest to indicate she isn't going to feed him unless it is absolutely necessary.

"I would hate to be treating for starvation before you have even recovered from the last malady so I will just have to make sure you don't die from hunger or thirst."

1st Grasshopper, Evening

[unfavorableinstigation]

Nita didn't approach Xue Yang immediately - for one, murderer or not, she didn't know him, and having to deal with more unfamiliar faces during one's recovery seemed somehow an unnecessary unfairness.

For another, she did still feel some guilt over not being able to solve A-Qing's murder sooner; she could have saved the train - and even Xue Yang, murderer that he was - some serious mental trauma if she'd just acted quicker, been more active in the investigation.

To some extent, she considered this her fault as well, but she kept those thoughts to herself.

But it wasn't easy to keep a Callahan bedbound, either, so sometime after dinner she went about wandering through the rest of the carriage.

"Because the train doesn't count 'penalty games' as death, apparently? Otherwise you'd have ended up in Luggage, too," Nita pointed out. She lacked her hoodie, having instead opted for the surprisingly-comfortable green robe and brown leggings as sleepwear.

"I still don't know what a penalty game is, though. Apart from a whole lot of suffering," she added, grimacing.

[xue_yang]

He looked over as she spoke. How does one even begin to describe what he just went through? Wondering if even attempting to do so will make the sequence start all over again when he closes his eyes.

"I've killed a lot of people in my lifetime. More people then probably anyone else on this train if I had to guess. Let's just say..every single one of them got to have their revenge."

He always had a reason. He didn't kill for sport. Sometimes he was ordered to do something, sometimes it was out of revenge. But there was always a purpose to what he did. Even killing A-Qing on the train was because of what she had done to him on their world.

"So imagine dying hundreds of times. That was the penalty game."

[unfavorableinstigation]

"... That one depends; I'm assume you haven't killed whole species before?"

The Doctor might want a word with him on that score as well.

Nita made that grimace again.

"Let me guess; they described it as karma?"

'They' referring to Wester - though Nita can start to see both sides of this issue, now; she's met both murderers with no remorse and personified virtues with unfamiliar instincts.

Didn't make this situation any easier to learn about, however.

[soldier_blade]

She wondered why she never considered this; that this 'train' or whatever power that brought them here clearly lacked some sort of vetting service. That one of their number could be an assassin, or hold some vendetta against another enough to kill.

There was no other reason why she was at the guy's bedside. They were supposed to be on the same team, but clearly there was no sense in that; a team was supposed to be responsible for eachother.

She forced herself to look at him, while he started to come to. "Because I don't think whatever happened to you was supposed to kill you."

And lord knew, there were worst punishments to give a person than death.

[xue_yang]

"That would have been too easy." What he went through was definitely worse then death. But then..he had died in his mind. Hundreds of times. Just because his body never broke that plane, doesn't mean he didn't experience it.

"To kill a murderer would still make you a murderer." And by not doing so, Wester's hands are clean. There is an irony there. In the eyes of many, Xue Yang is still the more guilty of the parties.

[soldier_blade]

"It was vigilante justice." She said, still unsure of why she was even bothering. Another time and place, she would've had to watch this guy serve time..written him up for misconduct-something. Yet here she was, talking with him like she owed him something.

Or rather, perhaps he owed her something; either case felt wrong.

"Why'd you do it?" She'd killed more people than she could count, but it was always to keep a worse killer from getting loose. "Did you really think you could've gotten away with what happened? Even on a train this large, sooner or later someone would find the body, and you would've been found eventually."

Either someone skilled in forensics or some magic user capable of reading such energy, either way he would've been found.

[shuanghuas]

At some point towards the last few days of the week, Xiao Xingchen ends up heading into the medical cart, he has made good headway into his cleaning duties. He's not entirely sure if there is a bathroom in the medical area - he assumes yes, because it would be practical, but he's not sure.

And right now he is not sure who to ask either.

So, armed with a bucket and a mop, his hair pulled back in a messy bun and sleeves rolled up... Xiao Xingchen enters the medical cart and —


...promptly drops the bucket with a resounding clank, followed by swapping his hold on the mop as if it were a sword.

[xue_yang]

Xue Yang is sitting up in bed but his eyes were closed when he heard someone enter. The medical car has been an oddly busy place with people constantly coming and going, most of which to talk to him. It's been a rather exhausting experience overall. So when he hears the person enter he doesn't even bother to look up...at least not until he hears the bucket drop.

He then opens his eyes and looks with annoyance towards the disturbance. What he sees instead makes his heart stop in his chest and his eyes widen. His mind flashes to the memory of Xingchen taking his sword and slicing it across Xue Yang's throat like it hard during the torture.

Clearly he is sleeping and this is that moment wanting to play out again. What could almost be called fear fills his expression. But as he slowly realizes, the item in Xingchen's hand is not the sword from his dreams but a mop. And there are some other very obvious differences.

Relaxing slightly he remembers that this train has the ability to bring people from all times..and he doesn't know if this is some cruel joke considering what he has just gone through..but he isn't laughing.

"Are you a figment of my mind, or are you really here?"

[shuanghuas]

It should be ridiculous: to be standing across from one's sworn enemy holding a mop as if it were a sword with both hands. Xiao Xingchen is a righteous enough man that he would never attack or kill someone who already had no escape or was injured.

But there is no mistaking the hostility that lines along Xiao Xingchen's shoulders, the way he shifts the mop between them as if it could be used to hold back the other. But this young Xiao Xingchen is made of water, clear and cool on a summer day. There is nothing hidden, no sorrow and no darkness in his eyes and the way he stares at Xue Yang.

He's young enough not to hate Xue Yang, having just captured and handed him over to Wei Wuxian's party. The question startles a laugh out of him and he catches it too late.

Then he forces himself to look stern again. "That's a really strange greeting, Xue Yang."

cabin, 2nd night back

[blitzcheer]

The first night Xue Yang is allowed back in his own cabin to rest, Tidus ignores him. Blatantly so, seated on his bed and clearly seeing the guy, but then turning his head, having nothing to say. The guy murdered some kid, and what good reason is there for that? Despite the retribution that came after, and really, Tidus can't agree to the extent it apparently went.

But it all sours in the pit of his stomach awful, and what good will any words do? And the idea of Tidus leaving anything well alone is a lie even to himself.

So it takes that second night, Tidus in bed early from limbs recovering from training, knowing the other guy was in the bed above him to speak, a bitter heat to the question that's been one of many bouncing around in his head:

"Was it worth it?"

[xue_yang]

He opens his eyes, a little surprised that anyone in this room would want to say anything to him. He hadn't expected to be transported here each night of his solitary confinement. He spends most of that time in meditation, trying to regain part of what he used to be. He is used to being imprisoned so this is nothing new to him.

But was it worth it..That's a hard question for him to answer even now.

"I do not regret my actions." So in a way it is worth it even if the punishment was a bit more extreme then expected.