voidtreckerexpress | I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

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I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

Who: Nita and YOU. Preferably close CR, but anyone can stop by.
Where: Quiet Car, second floor, a room near the front of the carriage.
When: Middle half of Grasshopper; post-platform, pre-event.
What: A(n ex-) wizard retreats. Some may come to reprimand, some to console, some just to find out WTF happened.
Warnings: ... Discussion of what's basically psychic assault in this log, folks. Mind your headspace!

After the platform, Nita retreated into herself. That was the best way to describe it; she could not be 'booked' in one of these rooms the same way she could have been in the Medical Car, but she spent as much time as she could in just the one room, not speaking unless spoken to, not leaving except to go to the restroom or fetch another journal.

No matter when one arrived to check on her, she would be either resting - staring off into space more than actually sleeping - or writing.

Some of the words were crossed out, as if she had had a tough time finding the right ones, but the writing looked to be formal in nature. A report. And, most notably, it was in English, not the alien curves of the Speech.

If she had to live with her actions, Nita figured, the least she could do was explain them - and explain why they were wrong.

Mostly, though, what encompassed her mind was the emptiness of it all. She couldn't even be angry now.

Fitting.

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"Oh look, only the highway goes to that exit..." Zetta scoffed, not in the least intimidated by her direct glare. "What's the point of having power if you can't make happen what you want to happen?"

"And what's the point in having friends if you aren't willing to change your behavior for them, if you're the one who hurt them in the first place?"

Not that she thought Zetta would understand that point.

"Hold up. Isn't the TRAIN what screwed around with your magic?" He was starting to get confused, here.

"No."

Nita shook her head for emphasis; time to clear this up.

"The train just hit me, after I basically assaulted it with a psychotropic spell to extract information from its mind, keep it from 'running away' mentally. But if one of that kind of spell is deemed to cause more harm than good, or to work in the wrong ways, then a wizard can be considered violating their Oath and have their power stripped."

She sighed.

"It was like killing two birds with one stone: by betraying the train's trust, I broke wizardry's trust in me."

"DOUBLE hold up," Zetta said, squeezing his eyes shut. "So this train, that took you away from everything without your permission, that keeps taking you into danger but otherwise cramps you up in uncomfortably close quarters with dozens of other people, without regard for your well-being in any way, shape, or form, deserves your complete and absolute trust and courtesy. What the hell kind of standard are you being held to?!"

The nephilim gives the briefest of knocks before he just shoves his head through the door. Cottonball is with him, setting up an annoying couple of squeaks before he taps her gently on the head with a finger.

"Hush, you, this is a quiet car! Besides, you just got fed, this is for Nita." Not that it's a lot--just a bowl full of whipped cream and strawberries. Indulgent, but Xander's not the wasteful sort, and the former goes well with the latter. Honestly, he expects an argument about how she doesn't deserve it when he offers it, but she's going to get all the stubbornness of his Earth nature. Xander will vault that hurdle when he gets to it, though.

"You feeling up to company?" Not that he'd be surprised if he got a 'no.' Especially if he got a no...

Nita went still. Possibly dangerously so.

"Psychic assault is psychic assault. And it's not as if I've seen you doing the same, for all your power."

The squeaking almost makes Nita smile - and given how her day full of visitors has gone, she needs it - but it's not the same without being able to hear the underlying meaning in what Cottonball's saying.

She looks up from her journal all the same, eyebrows shooting up seeing what Xander's bringing in.

"... If you won't insist I eat all of that, then sure."

It's all about the compromise!

"Look, I'll be the first to admit I don't understand friendship." Zetta kept right on glaring, heedless of warning signs. "But does friendship really involve cutting someone off the second they make a really understandable mistake, not giving a crap about their circumstances or their current mental and emotional state, and then making them basically crawl back?"

"... They have history, with people who misuse them in that way."

Wizardry, not the train, obviously.

"And if I were the sort to just go after whatever makes me powerful, or someone who agrees with whatever I say and do, rather than someone who wanted to leave the worlds a better place than when I started, I wouldn't have been offered the Oath in the first place!"

Zetta kept pressing. "So how long ago was that? And how much have you done since then? And how many times have you screwed up to this point? And how bad did you just dodge my question of whether that was REALLY the act of a friend?"

Nita doesn't really need the Speech here, though--she can probably make a very accurate guess. Especially since he's got his brows furrowed down at the bat for the moment.

"You will explode." It's not so many words he gets, after all, considering he's an empath. And yet, he knows Cottonball's not hungry; it's just sheer greed and probably being spoiled that has her demanding what he made for Nita. Not that he's gonna give it to his familiar. She's adorable, but no.

"She's not supposed to have cream, though, but she would like to share with you," he says. "I already ate, though, so I probably shouldn't. I gotta keep my girlish figure somehow!" he blurts, striking a pose which, in truth, is entirely contrived to be silly and coax a smile from Nita. Though Xander turns serious enough almost immediately.

"Nita...what happened? I mean." He offers her the bowl, mostly to clear his hands, so he can gesture with them. Cottonball gets set on the top of his hands. "What did you do? I felt your anger..."

Xander looks pretty dejected, because he only got there in the aftermath, and there'd been such a crush of people, he'd stepped back to not be in the way. So he didn't have as many answers or as much knowledge as he'd like.

"Get out."

Nita finally turned, getting up from her seat.

"I can't Unfavorable Instigation you, but I can throw you-!"

She paused.

"I can tell Romeo what you said, what you implied. And he would never talk to you again."

Nita snorts at the comedy of it all, though she recovers.

Then she sighs, slumping back against the bench.

"I saw Sven was missing and... snapped, I guess. Acted in anger instead of compassion, like you would have."

Or like Kit would have, Nita doesn't say. There's echoes of guilt and grief all throughout her mind, now - and, far more distantly, more perceivable to Xander than Nita, a separate source of guilt and pain.

Of all the threats he expected, that one wasn't anywhere on the list.

For a good reason as far as Zetta was concerned. The book drew himself up to his full height... as best as possible. "...okay. Hold up. You think that if you tell Romeo that I think your alleged 'friend' in magic is being way too harsh and unfair, he'll never talk to me again? Why don't you sit down and tell Romeo exactly what you've been telling me, and see what he thinks of that 'friendship' of yours? Better yet, why don't you imagine anyone else in the freaking world telling you what you're telling me, and how you'd react?!"

Zetta'd been determined not to yell. Being Zetta, he had naturally completely forgotten that determination as he got worked up.

"Go tell ANYONE that it wasn't okay for you to make one lousy mistake! Go tell ANYONE that you have to be absolutely perfect at all times or your 'friend' will kick you to the curb and make you crawl back! Go look any single person whose opinion you respect and value straight in the eyes and tell them that! Go ask another friend what they think of your situation, their honest opinion that they aren't just holding back on to keep from upsetting you more. I don't care about upsetting you, so I'm gonna say out loud that if the spirit of magic wants a perfect friend, it can damn well build and program a robot for itself, because if there's one thing I've learned about friendship from people trying to shove it down my throat, it's that friends aren't freaking perfect and friends forgive each other for not being freaking perfect!"

Edited 2020-08-03 19:56 (UTC)

The worst part is, Zetta IS being the reasonable party here. ~~Even with the yelling.~~ Who'da thunk it?

But he'd get no more rises from Nita. As she should have done to start with, she held her tongue, turned back to the makeshift desk, and tried not to cry.

"'M sorry for bringing Romeo into it," she said eventually, not that she looked to see if Zetta was there.

And, 'elsewhere', the peridexis felt juuust that much more guilt.

"If there's one thing I've learned about friendship from people trying to shove it down my throat, it's that friends aren't freaking perfect and friends forgive each other for not being freaking perfect!"

That was going to echo for quite a while.

Xander took a moment at that, brow furrowed.

"Okay, I mean...I wasn't thrilled to see Sven leave, but first, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you were probably a bit closer to him than I was, so the hurt you were experiencing as he left? Probably a bit worse than mine." He wasn't exactly close enough physically to her to experience all that, but he's not totally oblivious in regards to these things, either.

But then he snorted. "What is this with people thinking I'm so good? Is it 'cause I've got angel blood? Listen, I'm mortal, even if I'm only half human. I make dumb mistakes just like everyone else, and I'm definitely not perfect. This time, yeah, okay, I did act with compassion, but I can't promise I'm gonna do it all the time, either!" Xander shook his head at that. Just like Alice, thinking he was going to talk her out of shanking someone he thought actually deserved it...

Though that secondary source of guilt and pain has him glancing over in an attempt to find it, as well.

"The train's...okay as it ever is, I guess, but it's distanced itself. Not that I'm not gonna check up on it." And try to charm it as carefully as he'd ever charmed the most shy of his Elementals. "I'm not sure if I can say there's no lasting damage? But there doesn't seem to be, if there's any consolation there."

Zetta was still there.

He said he was going to hang out till she got over it, and he damn well MEANT it.

Even if that's a tense silence. He's ancient. He can wait.

Nita snorted again herself. "It's not that, I promise. It's more... the empath thing. And that you remind me of someone back home."

Who always got stuck in other people's heads and lives, even when that wasn't always the wisest thing to do!

Nita gave Xander a confused glance, wondering what he was looking at, but she shook her head and recovered.

"Good. Someone should, anyway. Think it's sick of me right now. Maybe sick of wizards as a whole."

Though not Samata, probably. Or Sakura, whatever her deal actually was.

The peridexis, meanwhile, took notice of Xander taking notice of it, and its own emotions shifted towards surprise. Why was anyone giving it any attention, it didn't deserve it...

Edited 2020-08-03 20:23 (UTC)

"Not you too," he grumbles at it. Xander doesn't know the peridexis really, save from the vague brushes he's had of it as he and Nita had contacted the train. But he might be able to make a few educated guesses, here. "You're not perfect either, are you? I know less about you than I know about humans, O aspect of Wizardry, but unless you're omniscient and prescient and--I don't know what else, you're not allowed to kick yourself about it much, either. You and Nita are in a partnership, from what I can tell, and that means sometimes you screw up, too."

The nephilim shakes his head. "Everyone makes choices. You, Nita. You," and here, he points at the peridexis, now that it's clear that it's the other one he's feeling. "Sometimes, they're not the right ones. That's the burden of having choice in the first place! Sometimes you choose wrong. It's not the fact that you made a bad decision that's the kicker, though. You made a mistake. Now what're you gonna do?"

He lifts one hand here, to forestall any answers. "I don't expect an answer, unless you want me to offer you guys suggestions. I'll do that because you're my friends." Yeah, the peridexis hasn't done anything to lose that, even if it's been a silent partner in his purview so far. "But it's mostly a rhetorical question. Am I sure I like what you did? No, but I understand it. I'm not sure I'd be able to be chill or compassionate if you guys left, and definitely not if Alice left. But I think I can safely say if Sven knew...I'm not sure he'd be thrilled with how you reacted."

Xander can't help but frown a little here, because he sure as hell didn't pull that punch. "Still. You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to need time alone, to think and to breathe and just...be. Clear your head, you know? You lost a good friend, and that's never a good feeling, no matter how it happens. But...you, Nita, gotta try to fix what you did. I'm willing to help you, whether the train is sick of wizards or not." He kind of smirks, there, but shrugs. "As for you..." back to the peridexis. "I'm no wizard, I'm limited as a mage. Maybe not so much as an empath, but...what can I do for you?"

Not that he's sure he expects an answer. He also does kind of feel...embarrassed. Like he's stood on a soapbox of some sort, but he wants to help. It's not his job to fix things here, but helping people he likes and respects to help fix their mistake? That's another story.

The more Xander talks to the peridexis, the more bamboozled Nita looks. What-?

Oh. Xander can still sense it. She may not be a wizard, but that doesn't mean Bobo's dead.

And the one clear thing Xander can sense right now is that Nita and the peridexis are equally chided by his words.

"... I know," Nita replies at one point, slumping in her seat. "Not sure there's anyone on here who would be. Not anyone whose approval I'd want, anyway."

As for what to do next... "I'm writing a report; what I'd do back home after I got in trouble for doing something unorthodox, or when things just got weird on errantry. Three reasons why I thought what I was doing was a good idea, five reasons why it wasn't, as well as what I got out of using the spell in the first place. After that, I have an apology to write."

She'd looked back up as she'd spoken; now she looks down again.

"I don't even know where to start. Going off everyone's reactions, being angry at the train is justified, but what I did..."

The peridexis echoes that notion, only somewhat intentionally: it doesn't know what it needs, exactly, but it doesn't trust its own judgment right now, let alone in settling Nita's. Yet at the same time, it knows it's no one else's responsibility to fix things...

Xander takes a moment, rubbing his face a little, but then chuckles a bit.

"Okay, so, let me tell you guys a story, then. About what happens when my kind of magic user goes through their Ordeal. Maybe that'll help you understand a bit, too."

He shifts his wings a bit, and then leans against one of the windows, tilting his head forward slightly so Cottonball doesn't find herself smushed against the window. She seems to have calmed, more intent on napping than anything else.

"So, one of the things Elemental Masters can do is bind their elementals to them, but both our mother and our teacher, the Firemaster Carlson? They don't believe in binding. Why? Because a servant might tell you if you're messing up, but a friend? A friend is likely to tell you, right? So, as a precaution, we always do a circle of protection, but we call our Elementals the first time with no binding, and then after, since they're friends, we don't need one. But there's always a danger in doing that, regardless of your element. I chalked out my circle responsibly, we all checked it...and when I called my Fauns the first time, it both took a while, because they're shy little guys, but also...Earth, while being enduring and patient, can also lead to sloth on the dark path. I almost fell asleep waiting, and I sure was slow in asking them to be my friends and helpers, but Carlson made a comment about me to my mother that...was kind of rude. Snapped me right out of that languor, though. I suspect Alex had much of the same, but he's declined to share his potential embarrassment. That's just how he is, though."

Xander chuckled again a bit at that memory. In retrospect, Carlson had been right to do it, but it was still embarrassing at the time.

"We kinda know what we're all supposed to be doing with our powers here, but there's still an aspect of...performing like a trapeze artist without a net, right? I don't have any Masters to tell me I'm doing the right thing or stop me if I'm about to mess up, and I suspect it's the same for you guys. So we have to support each other when we can. I...didn't do a really good job of that, either, so I mean. While it's not on me to fix things...it is on me because I kind of feel like I let you down in the 'being a friend' department. So yeah, that's on me to help you. Because I think I can. Because I am your friend! So...yeah." He's feeling a bit awkward, but Xander shrugs and spreads his hands. "What I can do, and whatever you need me for? I'm there."

Nita can't feel the peridexis' reaction to the story, but she nods along as Xander talks, frowning a little.

"Wizardry being sentient was kind of a surprise at the time - normally wizards talk to each other to call each other out on their hangups, but here..."

Here, there was only three of them - and two of them had recently disappeared for over a week!

"You had people with you, still, while you were calling those Fauns, to snap you out of it. That's good."

And at the end of it, she finally manages a smile. An honest smile.

"Thank you. I mean it, Xander. All we can do is be there for each other, right?"

And while Nita can't feel it, the peridexis is projecting assent right along with her words.

Xander laughed at that, then. "Yeah I bet! I mean, I was...um. Created, I guess you'd say? On a world with magic, but it was still an entirely different story when I got told I could do magic, right?"

He nodded. "My mom, Jade, and one of her friends and colleagues--that's Carlson. They've been friends for a long time." And Carlson was one of the reasons he could at least talk to fire elementals...

And Nita's words have him nodding again. "Yeah. That's all we can do. We're all in this together--some of us are more reluctant than others, and that's okay. Some of us are more messed up than others, too! I've sure got my own hangups, even though I try not to let them hold me back too much. We've all got our own problems, even without the train. All we can do is try to help each other through it."

And as an aside to the peridexis: "And at least in my case, since I can sense you...if you need someone to talk to, I'm just an empath, but if you can contact me, we can have a chat. I don't want an upgrade to my power set or anything like that--no Wizardry for me, thank you!--but I'm putting my money where my mouth is. If you and Nita are gonna be a package deal again--I hope you are--you both get the same friendship. Even if you're less talkative."

Man, he's really been talking too much--but at least it seems to have helped?

Nita doesn't bat too much of an eye at that - sure, Xander's at least part human, but there's more than one way for beings to come into existence, and species doesn't always have something to do with it-

"It's always more than you expect, when you find out the magic's something you can do," she agrees, nodding.

She makes a wry look. "Glorfindel was talking about mental health resources, earlier..."

It's the first time she's mentioned anything relating to the council in over two days.

As for the peridexis, well, it's certainly flustered! But it's quick to project appreciation for the offer in turn; there's people it hasn't been talking to, too, and not just Nita. /Oath administration does not take on this train, in any case, we've discovered. And it never does well to force a prerequisite to have conversations./

Sometimes silence was the worst thing one could do for one's health, no matter who you were.

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I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

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let's say day after for him too

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That works! =D

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Might have to wrap here?

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Awkward silence ensues

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