voidtreckerexpress | I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

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I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

Who: Nita and YOU. Preferably close CR, but anyone can stop by.
Where: Quiet Car, second floor, a room near the front of the carriage.
When: Middle half of Grasshopper; post-platform, pre-event.
What: A(n ex-) wizard retreats. Some may come to reprimand, some to console, some just to find out WTF happened.
Warnings: ... Discussion of what's basically psychic assault in this log, folks. Mind your headspace!

After the platform, Nita retreated into herself. That was the best way to describe it; she could not be 'booked' in one of these rooms the same way she could have been in the Medical Car, but she spent as much time as she could in just the one room, not speaking unless spoken to, not leaving except to go to the restroom or fetch another journal.

No matter when one arrived to check on her, she would be either resting - staring off into space more than actually sleeping - or writing.

Some of the words were crossed out, as if she had had a tough time finding the right ones, but the writing looked to be formal in nature. A report. And, most notably, it was in English, not the alien curves of the Speech.

If she had to live with her actions, Nita figured, the least she could do was explain them - and explain why they were wrong.

Mostly, though, what encompassed her mind was the emptiness of it all. She couldn't even be angry now.

Fitting.

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"Not you too," he grumbles at it. Xander doesn't know the peridexis really, save from the vague brushes he's had of it as he and Nita had contacted the train. But he might be able to make a few educated guesses, here. "You're not perfect either, are you? I know less about you than I know about humans, O aspect of Wizardry, but unless you're omniscient and prescient and--I don't know what else, you're not allowed to kick yourself about it much, either. You and Nita are in a partnership, from what I can tell, and that means sometimes you screw up, too."

The nephilim shakes his head. "Everyone makes choices. You, Nita. You," and here, he points at the peridexis, now that it's clear that it's the other one he's feeling. "Sometimes, they're not the right ones. That's the burden of having choice in the first place! Sometimes you choose wrong. It's not the fact that you made a bad decision that's the kicker, though. You made a mistake. Now what're you gonna do?"

He lifts one hand here, to forestall any answers. "I don't expect an answer, unless you want me to offer you guys suggestions. I'll do that because you're my friends." Yeah, the peridexis hasn't done anything to lose that, even if it's been a silent partner in his purview so far. "But it's mostly a rhetorical question. Am I sure I like what you did? No, but I understand it. I'm not sure I'd be able to be chill or compassionate if you guys left, and definitely not if Alice left. But I think I can safely say if Sven knew...I'm not sure he'd be thrilled with how you reacted."

Xander can't help but frown a little here, because he sure as hell didn't pull that punch. "Still. You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to need time alone, to think and to breathe and just...be. Clear your head, you know? You lost a good friend, and that's never a good feeling, no matter how it happens. But...you, Nita, gotta try to fix what you did. I'm willing to help you, whether the train is sick of wizards or not." He kind of smirks, there, but shrugs. "As for you..." back to the peridexis. "I'm no wizard, I'm limited as a mage. Maybe not so much as an empath, but...what can I do for you?"

Not that he's sure he expects an answer. He also does kind of feel...embarrassed. Like he's stood on a soapbox of some sort, but he wants to help. It's not his job to fix things here, but helping people he likes and respects to help fix their mistake? That's another story.

The more Xander talks to the peridexis, the more bamboozled Nita looks. What-?

Oh. Xander can still sense it. She may not be a wizard, but that doesn't mean Bobo's dead.

And the one clear thing Xander can sense right now is that Nita and the peridexis are equally chided by his words.

"... I know," Nita replies at one point, slumping in her seat. "Not sure there's anyone on here who would be. Not anyone whose approval I'd want, anyway."

As for what to do next... "I'm writing a report; what I'd do back home after I got in trouble for doing something unorthodox, or when things just got weird on errantry. Three reasons why I thought what I was doing was a good idea, five reasons why it wasn't, as well as what I got out of using the spell in the first place. After that, I have an apology to write."

She'd looked back up as she'd spoken; now she looks down again.

"I don't even know where to start. Going off everyone's reactions, being angry at the train is justified, but what I did..."

The peridexis echoes that notion, only somewhat intentionally: it doesn't know what it needs, exactly, but it doesn't trust its own judgment right now, let alone in settling Nita's. Yet at the same time, it knows it's no one else's responsibility to fix things...

Xander takes a moment, rubbing his face a little, but then chuckles a bit.

"Okay, so, let me tell you guys a story, then. About what happens when my kind of magic user goes through their Ordeal. Maybe that'll help you understand a bit, too."

He shifts his wings a bit, and then leans against one of the windows, tilting his head forward slightly so Cottonball doesn't find herself smushed against the window. She seems to have calmed, more intent on napping than anything else.

"So, one of the things Elemental Masters can do is bind their elementals to them, but both our mother and our teacher, the Firemaster Carlson? They don't believe in binding. Why? Because a servant might tell you if you're messing up, but a friend? A friend is likely to tell you, right? So, as a precaution, we always do a circle of protection, but we call our Elementals the first time with no binding, and then after, since they're friends, we don't need one. But there's always a danger in doing that, regardless of your element. I chalked out my circle responsibly, we all checked it...and when I called my Fauns the first time, it both took a while, because they're shy little guys, but also...Earth, while being enduring and patient, can also lead to sloth on the dark path. I almost fell asleep waiting, and I sure was slow in asking them to be my friends and helpers, but Carlson made a comment about me to my mother that...was kind of rude. Snapped me right out of that languor, though. I suspect Alex had much of the same, but he's declined to share his potential embarrassment. That's just how he is, though."

Xander chuckled again a bit at that memory. In retrospect, Carlson had been right to do it, but it was still embarrassing at the time.

"We kinda know what we're all supposed to be doing with our powers here, but there's still an aspect of...performing like a trapeze artist without a net, right? I don't have any Masters to tell me I'm doing the right thing or stop me if I'm about to mess up, and I suspect it's the same for you guys. So we have to support each other when we can. I...didn't do a really good job of that, either, so I mean. While it's not on me to fix things...it is on me because I kind of feel like I let you down in the 'being a friend' department. So yeah, that's on me to help you. Because I think I can. Because I am your friend! So...yeah." He's feeling a bit awkward, but Xander shrugs and spreads his hands. "What I can do, and whatever you need me for? I'm there."

Nita can't feel the peridexis' reaction to the story, but she nods along as Xander talks, frowning a little.

"Wizardry being sentient was kind of a surprise at the time - normally wizards talk to each other to call each other out on their hangups, but here..."

Here, there was only three of them - and two of them had recently disappeared for over a week!

"You had people with you, still, while you were calling those Fauns, to snap you out of it. That's good."

And at the end of it, she finally manages a smile. An honest smile.

"Thank you. I mean it, Xander. All we can do is be there for each other, right?"

And while Nita can't feel it, the peridexis is projecting assent right along with her words.

Xander laughed at that, then. "Yeah I bet! I mean, I was...um. Created, I guess you'd say? On a world with magic, but it was still an entirely different story when I got told I could do magic, right?"

He nodded. "My mom, Jade, and one of her friends and colleagues--that's Carlson. They've been friends for a long time." And Carlson was one of the reasons he could at least talk to fire elementals...

And Nita's words have him nodding again. "Yeah. That's all we can do. We're all in this together--some of us are more reluctant than others, and that's okay. Some of us are more messed up than others, too! I've sure got my own hangups, even though I try not to let them hold me back too much. We've all got our own problems, even without the train. All we can do is try to help each other through it."

And as an aside to the peridexis: "And at least in my case, since I can sense you...if you need someone to talk to, I'm just an empath, but if you can contact me, we can have a chat. I don't want an upgrade to my power set or anything like that--no Wizardry for me, thank you!--but I'm putting my money where my mouth is. If you and Nita are gonna be a package deal again--I hope you are--you both get the same friendship. Even if you're less talkative."

Man, he's really been talking too much--but at least it seems to have helped?

Nita doesn't bat too much of an eye at that - sure, Xander's at least part human, but there's more than one way for beings to come into existence, and species doesn't always have something to do with it-

"It's always more than you expect, when you find out the magic's something you can do," she agrees, nodding.

She makes a wry look. "Glorfindel was talking about mental health resources, earlier..."

It's the first time she's mentioned anything relating to the council in over two days.

As for the peridexis, well, it's certainly flustered! But it's quick to project appreciation for the offer in turn; there's people it hasn't been talking to, too, and not just Nita. /Oath administration does not take on this train, in any case, we've discovered. And it never does well to force a prerequisite to have conversations./

Sometimes silence was the worst thing one could do for one's health, no matter who you were.

He grins at the magic part, and then once Nita goes on to mental health, Xander just shrugs.

"Mostly I've got self-esteem issues, and most of it comes from being a clone," he explains, turning up his right wrist so Nita can see the tattoo there. "I don't get down on myself too much, and I mostly joke a bit about it these days, but..."

'I don't think I need to take real help away from people,' is what he doesn't say. Then again, these days? Xander's positive there are enough people who know him, if they noticed he were in some sort of downward spiral, they'd march him to...the door of his own cabin.

"Glorfindel's a good guy though. Sometimes I think he helps just by existing. He's my roommate." And Xander liked the elf, even if he wasn't always a chatterbox at him.

His brows went up at the peridexis. "Well, that's good to know. There's something about being overwhelmed by too much, right? But you're not exactly forcing me to have a conversation! If you need me, I'll be there. I already said as much, I try to be a man of my word!"

Nita gives him such a Look, one could almost think she was back to normal.

(She's not, not by a long shot, but she's still more than capable of reacting to other people downplaying themselves!)

But she smiles, again, as he goes on. "Glorfindel's practically walking sunshine, isn't he? I'm glad he can help you, too."

Nita's reaction to Xander's reaction to what the peridexis is saying, meanwhile, is just plain surprise. The peridexis, meanwhile, is flustered at having the truth pointed out to it like that.

But, if it could, it'd be smiling now, too. ~~You're two for two, Xander!~~

Nita shakes her head slowly, amazed. "I believe you. So," she says, finally turning to look at the whipped-cream-and-strawberries bowl again.

"Did you just want to watch me eat, or... I'm pretty sure someone's going to end up watching me anyway, but that still doesn't mean you have to! You could have brought a book or something."

Oh, Nita. She's gonna have him laughing again, normal or no! But first, he nods in agreement with her in regards to Glorfindel. And he does at least have the good sense to leave well enough alone. He could be two for two, but he hardly has to gloat about it!

But then Xander laughs, and shrugs. "You'd be surprised at how often I watch someone eat. Usually it's her," he says, pointing to Cottonball. "But she's not the only one."

Though if he admitted to just who he was watching eat these days, he'd probably get stabbed...

"You don't have to worry. I come from a place with a big family, even if they're not exactly my family? I'm used to hanging out and being chill while someone enjoys a meal. Don't worry about it."

Xander certainly wouldn't be!

"I can imagine," Nita says wryly, glancing at the little bat.

Also: LOOK. She's done the same thing with Kit, too! She could hardly cast stones there...

With a nod, and a smile that won't quite go away, she sits down to enjoy the treat, her heart (and perhaps the peridexis', if it could be said to have one) just a little lighter.

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I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

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And thread wrap?