I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.

[unfavorableinstigation]

Who: Nita and YOU. Preferably close CR, but anyone can stop by.
Where: Quiet Car, second floor, a room near the front of the carriage.
When: Middle half of Grasshopper; post-platform, pre-event.
What: A(n ex-) wizard retreats. Some may come to reprimand, some to console, some just to find out WTF happened.
Warnings: ... Discussion of what's basically psychic assault in this log, folks. Mind your headspace!


After the platform, Nita retreated into herself. That was the best way to describe it; she could not be 'booked' in one of these rooms the same way she could have been in the Medical Car, but she spent as much time as she could in just the one room, not speaking unless spoken to, not leaving except to go to the restroom or fetch another journal.

No matter when one arrived to check on her, she would be either resting - staring off into space more than actually sleeping - or writing.

Some of the words were crossed out, as if she had had a tough time finding the right ones, but the writing looked to be formal in nature. A report. And, most notably, it was in English, not the alien curves of the Speech.

If she had to live with her actions, Nita figured, the least she could do was explain them - and explain why they were wrong.

Mostly, though, what encompassed her mind was the emptiness of it all. She couldn't even be angry now.

Fitting.

Comments

[springforth]

It's more the lack of--corporealness that does it for Persephone. Is it real if she can't see, touch or speak to it? Hard to say. It's slightly disturbing to hear it has a mind, that it has feelings. It makes it much more--dark.

"Almost everything we've tried is physical. I even tried to worm some vines in the engine room once, no dice." She leans back, placing her hands in her lap and searching for the words to say.

"If it is a being, it's one that kidnapped us and keeps us trapped for weeks. When we are freed, we are sent to do things that injure and kill people, to help others. A lot of the time it's been fairly clear cut who is at the wrong. Yes, we have amenities and it gives us 'time off for good behavior' occasionally." She does the finger quotes, of course, "But it's still a gilded cage. Anger--especially the kind brought about by losing someone you care about, can make you do awful things. Things you didn't think you were capable of. But it doesn't even--really seem like you did that. You say it was a mental attack, did you really hurt them? Or just make them angry?"

[unfavorableinstigation]

"... I don't know."

'Pain' hadn't exactly been the signal sent across.

"But, back home, psychotropic wizardries - especially the kinds done without consent - it's like giving the green light on torture, or more mundane kinds of assault."

[springforth]

"Were you? Or did you do something because you were angry and immediately were horrified with yourself?" Persephone gestures the room around them.

[unfavorableinstigation]

"That doesn't make the assault more okay."

But she's looking at Persephone curiously, now.

"... Sounds like you speak from experience, though."

Her look is nonjudgmental, despite how the conversation's just turned.

[springforth]

"Not about me. I'm not a psychi-whatsit wizard." She says automatically, curling in down on herself as if that would avoid the question.

"But you're not wrong, it doesn't make the assault okay, especially to you. You're holding yourself to a standard and failure to keep control of your emotions hurts. But it's understandable to lose control. All you can do is apologize and try to make amends. Wait can you apologize to a train?"

[unfavorableinstigation]

Nita snorts, but does her best to stop slouching. Something in the way Persephone asks that question at the end makes her smile, as well. It doesn't hurt that the goddess's observation is spot-on.

"... I think so? We do have the feedback post, not that apologies are what it's remotely intended for.

"Or there's just going up to the engine wall, I guess. I just don't want any apology I make to sound fake."

She did not want to become an utterer of platitudes!

[springforth]

"There isn't really a concrete way to apologize to it, is there?" She screws up her face in thought and then makes a weird wide gesture around her head, "Can't you do--like the talking to it thing? That you do. Or is not talking to you anymore?"

[unfavorableinstigation]

This time, Nita makes a face.

"Not exactly a wizard at the moment. Kind of freaked out wizardry itself with what I did, too. ... I think I scared him."

Among other things. Explaining it to Zetta hadn't gone well earlier, and she can't speak for Bobo in any case, but:

"Whenever it comes to the edge-cases, whatever a wizard thinks is the right course of action, he has to go along with. So now, I could talk to the train, but I wouldn't know if it was listening."

[springforth]

"I--I'm confused. I thought this was a part of you, like my powers." The sheer breadth of types of power in a single train usually led to her making assumptions. Poor ones, it seems.

"So you... Scared the concept of your powers--your wizardry. It got upset and scared and maybe angry? I imagine? So now it too isn't talking to you. Along with the train."

[unfavorableinstigation]

"... Yeah. That's the gist of it. The Powers That Be back home entrust wizards with the power of Speech - to convince the universe to do anything, almost, for the sake of doing right by Life and slowing down entropy. And, with what I did..."

Not exactly anti-entropic!

Nita sighs. "I don't know when he'll talk to me again. And I think I was one of the only wizards in the first place who could actually hear him back home, too. Some people here can overhear things, though, like Xander. Have you met him?"

[springforth]

She continues to be baffled by the whole concept of it but it feels easiest to just accept and move on.

"Um--no. I don't think I have. As least not by name." That throws her if a little, to be honest. "Uh, have your tried talking to your wizardry, see if they will also accept your apology? Or get this Xander to pray it on? If they can talk and not just listen, I suppose."

[unfavorableinstigation]

Nita blinks, surprised at the acceptance - but hey, things could be worse.

"Xander did have a word with them, actually - it was weird, hearing only half that conversation."

Not normal for her, these days.

"But as long as I'm not a wizard, I can't hear them. I could talk at them..."

She trails off, staring at a corner of the wall, thoughts churning.

[springforth]

"So do it. It's better to talk about it with the being in question than bury yourself in a quiet room while half the train keeps popping in, giving you advice on things we can't really understand." A bit of a self deprecating smile with that. "Even if they don't talk back, you'll be explaining yourself to the being who matters."

[unfavorableinstigation]

Again, Nita nods - and finds herself giving a likewise-wry knowing smile, as well.

"I get it, I think. Though," she adds, making a pointed glance out the glass.

"Might be best if I don't have an audience? If you know what I mean."

This isn't the sort of conversation she wants with commentary, in other words.

[springforth]

"Right, shall I go stand guard against well meaning friends and errant books?" She pushes up off the seat, heading to the door. At the last moment, she turns back, hesitant.

"I did do something awful, much worse, something I'm still not sure how to fix. This--this is so much more simple. So apologize and fix it." Then she's out.

May do a cap for this thread where she talks to/at Bobo, if that's alright.

[unfavorableinstigation]

There's something in her that's not surprised at what Persephone says - so despite her relief at the offer, her chief reaction is empathy.

"If it happened back home, and not on the train... nevermind. But if you want to talk about it, later, I'm here to listen."

A chat for a chat, maybe.

Nita gives an encouraging smile. "I'll tackle this as best I can, promise."

[springforth]

Persesphone just offers back a tight smile, not quite reaching her eyes, and a shrug and nods for Nita to go on before she ducks out to argue with the public.

*cracks knuckles* TIME TO WRITE... MORE OF MY OWN HEARTBREAK...

[unfavorableinstigation]

There's a tentative few seconds of quietness, after Persephone leaves, before Nita lets herself back away from the door and lean against one of the benches, scrounging up her courage and feelings as best she can.

For once, she's locked the door.

"Bobo..."

These rooms are soundproof, right? May as well run with that for as much as it's worth.

"I'm sorry. And- I'm betting we both feel that way, because if you were at all alright with this... you'd have told me by now."

No, that doesn't sound quite right. Nita tries again.

"I think I should feel angry at you, a little, but all I really feel is like I'm crumbling to pieces, like I have been doing that for ages and it just became noticeable."

A sigh. "I can't remember if I've told you, but I've done... that, before. To Nautilus. During a storm. I guess my biggest fear is that it would become a habit, happen again: taking my anger out on the worst target possible, in the worst way possible. You weren't responsible then, and you're not responsible for my actions now, so don't you dare blame yourself for that!"

She's surprised at how loud she got, there; silence returns for almost a minute straight as she breathes.

"I know I don't need to be a wizard to do good; you've said that yourself. But, being a team again... I miss that. More than practically anything. So..."

Another sigh, another silence. "I'm going to write that report, because if anyone else at home shows up and wants a precis for what I've been up to, it'd be wrong to leave that out. And I'm going to apologize to the train anyway, even if other people say I should still be mad at it, because that's what I'd like to do... but I want to do it with you, if you'll let me. Maybe not as wizard and wizardry, but as friends."

Which after all is what they'd become after all this time... right?

There's an echo, then: agreement. A faint flicker in the back of her mind - it fades away as quickly as it comes, but with it comes a message: /I'm sorry, too. And you're right./

The tears come back, then, and there's no stopping them. But she wouldn't, not for anything in the world.