When enough coffee is enough

[singlefaith]

Who: Ran and Conan (closed)
Where: One of the quiet rooms
When: Imagination 24 -- night before the train arrives at the Winter Faire
What: Ran is exasperated with Conan not sleeping and convinces him to take a sleeping pill. She doesn't realize it's a temporary antidote.
Warnings: N/A, I think? Will change if needed.



Conan not sleeping well had become a more pressing weight on Ran's mind over time. At first she'd thought it was a phase -- a period of bad dreams that would ultimately resolve itself. She herself can remember a time, after all, where she resisted sleeping, convinced there was a monster lurking under the bed. It had taken pure exhaustion and a nightlight to overcome it. She's done a lot to try to mitigate it for him, talking through as much of the nightmares as he'll give her, warm milk, even taking him to bed with her. (Though he always seemed to protest and resist that last one.) She keeps hoping that exhaustion will do the same for him that it did for her -- bring him to a point where the desire for sleep muted any anxieties about it.

But she still finds him up at night, sneaking coffee in the effort to stay awake as long as possible. She's taken to getting up sometimes in the night herself, checking for him and sending him to bed -- and, when he's come to anticipate her doing this, combing the train until she finds him. It's wearing on her too at this point; she's supposed to be taking care of him, and it's enormously difficult to see the shadows under his eyes, see him jump and jolt at sudden sounds when he's normally so calm and even. She can see differences in his energy, in his reaction time. Low amounts of sleep are taking their toll.

With every night that passes like this, it's an increasing weight in her mind, and a tug of war she's increasingly tired of playing.

Waking up around one, her mind automatically jolting her awake with the thought that she needs to check on him, she goes on the search that becomes all too routine: First the dining hall and the kitchen. Then the library with all its nooks and crannies where a small child might possibly hole up with a book and a large coffee mug. He's either in bed or anticipated her, not to be found in any of these places.

(Strongly suspecting the latter of these two options, though, she keeps looking.)

She finds him at last in one of the quiet rooms; she flings open the door and glares. "Conan-kun."

Comments

[deductiongeek]

Conan jumps nervously as the door slams open. Although he doesn't even make an attempt at hiding his book or the large mug of coffee.

"Ran-neechan? What are you doing here?"

At this time of night, he doesn't say.

[singlefaith]

He really couldn't hide either if he tried. One, it's a quiet room and there's only so much space, and two, she expects them now. Even if he tried, she'd look for them. He's set up his pattern far too well at this point.

What's amazing is that after all of this, she's still managed to surprise him.

"Bed." She's stalked into the room at this point, both hands leaning on the table, glaring down at him. "Now."

[deductiongeek]

"Technically its almost morning," he tries. "Is there really any pointin going back to bed now?"

[singlefaith]

Is this really how he wants to play this? An eyebrow shoots up sharply, dangerously, and she reaches out to snag his coffee, yanking it across the table towards her with a grate of ceramic against metal.

"When does this end?" She's still looming. Likely this is not the attitude one would normally take with a child, not one she would ever normally take with a child, but she's exhausted, two threads of rope away from snapping. Any of her normal patient, warm demeanor is gone, victim of her own exhaustion and frustration. This is another area where she hasn't been able to protect him. She's angry at him, angry at herself. "I have done everything. I have tried everything. I've tried talking you through it. I've tried foods. I've tried staying with you. I've tried singing to you. I've tried keeping you away from coffee -- though god only knows how many people you've enlist to sneak it to you. But every night, here you are, up again, even though you're exhausted, I know you are, I can see you are, and you jump at shadows and have the weight of a forty year old under your eyes when you're seven, and I want to know: When does it end, Conan-kun? Because I can't keep doing this, and you can't either."

[deductiongeek]

Conan endures this tirade with only slightly hidden alarm. Was Ran okay? He'd seen frustration from her before. (He was self aware enough to know that he could be very frustrating to deal with, even as Conan) But this seemed like something more than normal. Something deeper.

And if it was because of him, then that was something he needed to fix. She shouldn't be worrying about him when there was so much else going on.

"Ran-neechan shouldn't worry so much," he says quietly. "The things you've done have helped. And I get enough sleep."

[singlefaith]

"You do not," she snaps back. "If you got enough sleep, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You wouldn't be sneaking coffee, staying up until all hours of the night, hiding in a corner of the train because you know I'll track you down. Don't try to tell me that I shouldn't worry so much -- why shouldn't I worry when we're tossed into "missions" that someone thinks is a great idea for a child to go into, when I have to worry about you getting shot or killed, where I can't always protect you because I'm barely holding on myself? Where I have to keep you safe to make sure that you can go home grow up, not have to worry about what you've been through here? Don't tell me not to worry when I can't even protect you from what I should be able to protect you from; you're seven years old, and I'm supposed to be responsible for you being okay!"

She pulls in air, the movement quivering through her shoulders. In that moment she deflates, shoulders dipping with exhaustion. "I just . . . need you to sleep. I need not to worry about this too."

In the morning she'll regret all of this -- certainly the weight she's putting on his shoulders. But for now there are no boundaries . . . everything she's kept in is snapping free.

[deductiongeek]

He wanted to be able to fix this for her. More than anything.

But all of that... All the things she was worried about. There wasn't a thing he could do about it. He could tell her that he didn't need to be protected. But he'd tried that before, and he already knew that she wouldn't accept that. He could promise to behave, but he'd never be able to stay behind when she was in danger.

But if there was just one thing he could do to make her worry less, then he had to do that. Even if he already knew that if he went to bed now, any sleep he got wouldn't be restful at all.

His shoulders slump as he accepts what he needed to do.

"Then I'll go back to my room and try to sleep. I don't want Ran-neechan to worry any more."

[singlefaith]

There's some small release of tension in her chest as he acquiesces, some small loosening of what feels like fingers digging in, tightening. She pulls in another breath, quieter.

"You need to sleep. Actually sleep."

And then she remembers something.

"Wait here."

Twisting, she heads back out. He'd better not have moved by the time she gets back.

[deductiongeek]

He sighs, but nods in agreement.

"I promise I'll try to sleep."

He watches with a little puzzlement as she leaves, but busies himself collecting his book and mug.

[singlefaith]

She's seen the box among Ai's things before, considering that they share the same cabin. Of all personal effects to have brought, Ai seems to have brought that -- a box of pills of varying types. Periodically Ran's found her opening it as though checking the contents, almost as though she wants to ensure everything is there. Ran isn't fully sure why; they seem to be pills that one could find at the drugstore -- for headaches, stomachaches, and other minor ailments. Ai has even said as much.

And as she remembers, sleeping pills were among them.

Returning to the cabin, she doesn't dare turn on the light, not wanting to wake her cabinmates. Quietly as she can manage, relying on what little light she has, she opens Ai's cubby and removes the box. The sleeping pills were on the upper left; she feels for them, removes one, and replaces the box among Ai's things.

She does feel a little bad doing this; they are, after all, Ai's and not hers. But again, they're garden-variety pills, something surely easily come by, and Ai is asleep. Ran isn't waking her just for this. Hopefully Ai won't mind; Ran will apologize to her in the morning and replace the pill from her own points if need be.

She glances at the pill in the hall, but it looks like she expects: A pill taken by her father when he went through a bout of insomnia shortly after her mother left. Returning with it to the quiet room where she left Conan, she holds it out to him. "At least you can get a good night of sleep tonight -- take it, please."

[deductiongeek]

Conan looks at the pill with some confusion.

"A sleeping pill?"

[singlefaith]

A nod. "Dad took these when . . ." Hesitation. "After Mom left."

She doesn't dare go too far into that; it doesn't quite feel loyal to her father, who doesn't like his weaknesses exposed. "They helped. It's not a long-term solution, but . . . it's good for tonight, at least."

At least she seems a little calmer, having had some space. But weariness has replaced it, and it's plain in her face.

[deductiongeek]

Normally he would refuse. He'd never liked the idea of relying on a drug to sleep.

But.... he'd do a lot more than try this for once if it would keep her from worrying.

Frowning, he quickly swallows the pill.

[singlefaith]

She manages a smile at that, albeit a small one. "Thank you. Get some sleep. Want me to take you back?"

No telling how quickly the pill acts, after all.

[deductiongeek]

He shakes his head.

"I'll just go back now. My room is a lot further down the train than yours."