π Toua Koumyou SanzΕ Hoshi-sama the 30th γε
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voidtreckerexpress2021-01-10 03:19 pm
its_dad_sanzo) wrote in voidtreckerexpress2021-01-10 03:19 pm
a mountain full of ego built upon a heap of trash [OPEN]
Who: Koumyou Sanzo, OPEN
Where: Koumyou can be encountered on his way to the Stores room bright and early right after the train wakes everyone up from mandatory nap time. Or he can be found in said stores room, wedged into a corner, meditating.
When: Late Jelly 4, Jelly 5, or early Jelly 6 before it's time to disembark for the mission.
What: Koumyou is not doing well, and can be encountered not doing well (heavily disassociating). He won't talk about it to anyone who isn't directly involved, and threads may be short because he won't have any of his usual energy or interest. This is basically "do you want your character to see Koumyou in a whole other mode" post. Might be more to give them something to think about in future interactions, kind of thing.
Warnings: Probably a shit ton of drama in at least one thread.
is exactly what you get when you can't fully do the math
In the early morning for Jelly 5 and 6, Koumyou is up as soon as the train releases his mind, silently leaving 3-C. He'll tend to anything that requires his attention, and then head for the very, very front of the train, face lacking any of his usual smiles or serenity.
The store room is the one room that no one passes through, or goes into to smoke. He's not going to take up a quiet room.
Hair half out of its usual braid, robes rumpled from sleeping in them, with dried blood still under his nails and on a sleeve, he wedges himself into an out-of-the-way corner of the stores room, folds his body into a full lotus position, and shuts his eyes.
And this is where he will stay until the train either teleports him back to 3-C or, on Jelly 6, his SCA starts to beep him with information. And even then, he'll just sit right where he is, reading through what little data there is, his face blank and his mind blanker.
Where: Koumyou can be encountered on his way to the Stores room bright and early right after the train wakes everyone up from mandatory nap time. Or he can be found in said stores room, wedged into a corner, meditating.
When: Late Jelly 4, Jelly 5, or early Jelly 6 before it's time to disembark for the mission.
What: Koumyou is not doing well, and can be encountered not doing well (heavily disassociating). He won't talk about it to anyone who isn't directly involved, and threads may be short because he won't have any of his usual energy or interest. This is basically "do you want your character to see Koumyou in a whole other mode" post. Might be more to give them something to think about in future interactions, kind of thing.
Warnings: Probably a shit ton of drama in at least one thread.
is exactly what you get when you can't fully do the math
In the early morning for Jelly 5 and 6, Koumyou is up as soon as the train releases his mind, silently leaving 3-C. He'll tend to anything that requires his attention, and then head for the very, very front of the train, face lacking any of his usual smiles or serenity.
The store room is the one room that no one passes through, or goes into to smoke. He's not going to take up a quiet room.
Hair half out of its usual braid, robes rumpled from sleeping in them, with dried blood still under his nails and on a sleeve, he wedges himself into an out-of-the-way corner of the stores room, folds his body into a full lotus position, and shuts his eyes.
And this is where he will stay until the train either teleports him back to 3-C or, on Jelly 6, his SCA starts to beep him with information. And even then, he'll just sit right where he is, reading through what little data there is, his face blank and his mind blanker.
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She's a little bit startled when she hears him speak, but she recovers quickly enough and stretches her arms over her head. How long have they been sitting here again...?
"Because you look like you're half a breath from blowing over and you wouldn't mind if you did. Hellsteeth, what happened?"
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It wouldn't be his first death. But unless it's going to be his last before reincarnation, he sees no point in the futility of it. He might see a point later, when the urge to hurt really worms its way into his mind, but it hasn't yet.
Despair hasn't yet made room.
"I..."
Koumyou knows she knows Devero. He introduced them. Anything he says is going to--
But even if he doesn't say anything, she knows they were-- close. He thought. As close as an ignorant monster and their deeply traumatized victim can be.
Ukoku would be so proud.
But he's never been much for lying, either. Not on purpose, anyway. So he just... falls silent. Again.
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"You what? What in hells happened?" At this point she honestly doesn't expect much of an answer, but she has to try something.
"Don't dare try to tell me it's nothing. 'Nothing' doesn't tear a man apart from the inside."
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So he'll throw Selenay a different bone entirely.
"I'm not the person I thought I once was, under all the emptiness."
He'd thought he was reclaiming Houmei, by shedding 'hold nothing'. He'd thought that young student who'd once said that if earning the title of Sanzo required watching his friends die, then 'Sanzo' could kiss his ass.
He'd thought he could once again become the man who would have killed a highly-abusive instructor, and faced the consequences with dignity.
He'd thought, for a brief time, that Houmei was still in there, hiding, biding his time to surface again.
"I am the moon. Shining a borrowed light on everything, observing clandestine secrets from afar. Even when I act friendly, I am cold. Aloof, distant. I am Koumyou, the bright light. The Sanzo who guards the Seiten scripture, who once guarded the Maten as well.
"And I am the Sanzo who forsake his duty to both sutras, and died to protect his son, even knowing that his son would have preferred to die instead. I am the Sanzo who did this, knowing that the life left to him is a living hell. I am the Sanzo who watches others suffer, and die, and does nothing."
His eyes haven't opened this entire time.
"I am the moon. That's all I can be. You shouldn't try to keep the moon company."
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And there he goes again, saying things she doesn't understand, but she can recognize that tone. The one that tells her its a shield against the things he doesn't want to be thinking about. The tone that says he both thinks he's better than this and knows he isn't. The tone that she's spoken to herself with too many times to keep track of, every time she loses another Herald.
"Well. If the moon is lonely, perhaps it needs the company. Even Shadowdancer found her comfort with Sunsinger in the twilight."
You're not getting rid of her that easily.
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Not here, though. And he's fallen so far into his own misery he almost wishes Ukoku were here, just to wrap his fingers around Koumyou's throat. Put out his cigarette on his skin. Say something cruel and sly and cunning that makes the darkness hidden in Koumyou feel less hidden.
The raven would never leave Devero alone, though. That by itself keeps Koumyou from actually wishing for the heretical Sanzo's company on the train.
Even if it's the only company he deserves. That sucking void of a person.
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"If it truly wanted the darkness there would be no light to drive it off."
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It pulls it out of a river as a drowning baby. Raises it as its own. And dies gruesomely, torn apart before its eyes.
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"Did you ever think maybe the moon is just...hurt?"
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Koumyou inclines his head slightly, so that his long, tangled bangs fall forward and help hide his face. Eyes still shut, lest they do anything horrible.
"But life is suffering."
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"Perhaps the moon doesn't know what pain is, but people do. As much as you want to try it, you'll never be the moon."
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Otherwise, he's always been the moon. He was even named for it, and he's never taken it as some kind of romantic compliment, either.
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"People are just people regardless of what power they have or what Gifts they were given. People feel things. Not always pretty things. But it's part of being a person. We don't need another moon. We need people who care about others. I saw something of that in you. I still do. You try not to care because you do. And you're afraid of what it will do to you."
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His eyes are finally open, but they don't focus on anything in particular from behind his tangled bangs. They're glazed and flat.
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She has a few guesses.
"The fact that you care says far more about you than you think. Even if I know you don't believe it."
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"Anything and anyone can," he's just so tired, "but I don't have to care."
And hopefully he can take that armor of not caring, and build it back up where it had been before. Constricting, but comfortable.
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"I'm sorry I can't help." That seems to be sort of a theme on the train, but she squashes that thought as soon as she thinks it. This is not about her right now.
"I can see why you've chosen this spot. It's quite comfortable."
It isn't, but she's not leaving.
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And yet he's still drawn attention, despite his efforts.
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"They are there to be used, after all."
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He doesn't want... this. This companionship she's offering by sitting with him. It makes it hard to be hollow, to contemplate emptiness.
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This isn't even the sadness talking, this is just... he's a Sanzo.
He's spoken directly with the Gods, and he has found them lacking.
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"I'll believe they do, even if you won't."
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If the Gods of some distant world want to pay any mind to the distant moon, that's on them.
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"What do you need from me?"
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