voidtreckerexpress | a mountain full of ego built upon a heap of trash [OPEN]

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a mountain full of ego built upon a heap of trash [OPEN]

Who: Koumyou Sanzo, OPEN
Where: Koumyou can be encountered on his way to the Stores room bright and early right after the train wakes everyone up from mandatory nap time. Or he can be found in said stores room, wedged into a corner, meditating.
When: Late Jelly 4, Jelly 5, or early Jelly 6 before it's time to disembark for the mission.
What: Koumyou is not doing well, and can be encountered not doing well (heavily disassociating). He won't talk about it to anyone who isn't directly involved, and threads may be short because he won't have any of his usual energy or interest. This is basically "do you want your character to see Koumyou in a whole other mode" post. Might be more to give them something to think about in future interactions, kind of thing.
Warnings: Probably a shit ton of drama in at least one thread.

xxxxxis exactly what you get when you can't fully do the math

In the early morning for Jelly 5 and 6, Koumyou is up as soon as the train releases his mind, silently leaving 3-C. He'll tend to anything that requires his attention, and then head for the very, very front of the train, face lacking any of his usual smiles or serenity.

The store room is the one room that no one passes through, or goes into to smoke. He's not going to take up a quiet room.

Hair half out of its usual braid, robes rumpled from sleeping in them, with dried blood still under his nails and on a sleeve, he wedges himself into an out-of-the-way corner of the stores room, folds his body into a full lotus position, and shuts his eyes.

And this is where he will stay until the train either teleports him back to 3-C or, on Jelly 6, his SCA starts to beep him with information. And even then, he'll just sit right where he is, reading through what little data there is, his face blank and his mind blanker.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"If it would actually stick this time."

It wouldn't be his first death. But unless it's going to be his last before reincarnation, he sees no point in the futility of it. He might see a point later, when the urge to hurt really worms its way into his mind, but it hasn't yet.

Despair hasn't yet made room.

"I..."

Koumyou knows she knows Devero. He introduced them. Anything he says is going to--

But even if he doesn't say anything, she knows they were-- close. He thought. As close as an ignorant monster and their deeply traumatized victim can be.

Ukoku would be so proud.

But he's never been much for lying, either. Not on purpose, anyway. So he just... falls silent. Again.

She doesn't exactly understand that, but ignores the statement, filing it away for a more appropriate time to discuss. He's clearly falling apart and now is not the time to be pressing the man for details she doesn't need right now.

"You what? What in hells happened?" At this point she honestly doesn't expect much of an answer, but she has to try something.

"Don't dare try to tell me it's nothing. 'Nothing' doesn't tear a man apart from the inside."

Talking about what he did to Devero isn't an option. He won't air the other man's business, like that. No.

So he'll throw Selenay a different bone entirely.

"I'm not the person I thought I once was, under all the emptiness."

He'd thought he was reclaiming Houmei, by shedding 'hold nothing'. He'd thought that young student who'd once said that if earning the title of Sanzo required watching his friends die, then 'Sanzo' could kiss his ass.

He'd thought he could once again become the man who would have killed a highly-abusive instructor, and faced the consequences with dignity.

He'd thought, for a brief time, that Houmei was still in there, hiding, biding his time to surface again.

"I am the moon. Shining a borrowed light on everything, observing clandestine secrets from afar. Even when I act friendly, I am cold. Aloof, distant. I am Koumyou, the bright light. The Sanzo who guards the Seiten scripture, who once guarded the Maten as well.

"And I am the Sanzo who forsake his duty to both sutras, and died to protect his son, even knowing that his son would have preferred to die instead. I am the Sanzo who did this, knowing that the life left to him is a living hell. I am the Sanzo who watches others suffer, and die, and does nothing."

His eyes haven't opened this entire time.

"I am the moon. That's all I can be. You shouldn't try to keep the moon company."

Edited 2021-01-12 03:18 (UTC)

"No one is. I'm afraid to say it takes the darkest of moments to find your true character, and it's seldom what you thought it was. Mostly I've found it tends to be frightened, especially when it's trying to push people away." She might not have lived quite as long as others, but she's learned from so many experiences that she half wishes she hadn't lived through and is half grateful that she did.

And there he goes again, saying things she doesn't understand, but she can recognize that tone. The one that tells her its a shield against the things he doesn't want to be thinking about. The tone that says he both thinks he's better than this and knows he isn't. The tone that she's spoken to herself with too many times to keep track of, every time she loses another Herald.

"Well. If the moon is lonely, perhaps it needs the company. Even Shadowdancer found her comfort with Sunsinger in the twilight."

You're not getting rid of her that easily.

"The moon has the darkness of night for company."

Not here, though. And he's fallen so far into his own misery he almost wishes Ukoku were here, just to wrap his fingers around Koumyou's throat. Put out his cigarette on his skin. Say something cruel and sly and cunning that makes the darkness hidden in Koumyou feel less hidden.

The raven would never leave Devero alone, though. That by itself keeps Koumyou from actually wishing for the heretical Sanzo's company on the train.

Even if it's the only company he deserves. That sucking void of a person.

"Then what would it need light for?" Her eyes drift to the ceiling for a moment while she takes a deep breath. He may not want her here, but that's precisely why she needs to be there. Let it never be said that Queen Selenay ran from the hard things.

"If it truly wanted the darkness there would be no light to drive it off."

"The moon can't help but reflect the brilliant light from the sun, it doesn't seek it out."

It pulls it out of a river as a drowning baby. Raises it as its own. And dies gruesomely, torn apart before its eyes.

"And yet it's still offered." She can play this game too, saying one thing and meaning another. But if he's so damn insistent on making himself some monster, she will damn well be ready with all the reasons she can think of as to why he's still wrong.

"Did you ever think maybe the moon is just...hurt?"

"It's not supposed to even know what that is."

Koumyou inclines his head slightly, so that his long, tangled bangs fall forward and help hide his face. Eyes still shut, lest they do anything horrible.

"But life is suffering."

"Yes. It is." She doesn't even bother to deny that. "That's why it's life. But without tasting the bitter, we'll never know how sweet the sweetness is."

"Perhaps the moon doesn't know what pain is, but people do. As much as you want to try it, you'll never be the moon."

"Maybe not physically," Koumyou agrees, but.

Otherwise, he's always been the moon. He was even named for it, and he's never taken it as some kind of romantic compliment, either.

"If you feel anything at all, you won't be. And I think you do." Or you wouldn't be like this, she doesn't say, but it hangs in the air, whispering without the words to voice it.

"People are just people regardless of what power they have or what Gifts they were given. People feel things. Not always pretty things. But it's part of being a person. We don't need another moon. We need people who care about others. I saw something of that in you. I still do. You try not to care because you do. And you're afraid of what it will do to you."

"It's not myself I'm afraid for," Koumyou says quietly, and with absolute honesty, "I don't care about myself. I don't care what's done to me. That broke a long, long time ago."

His eyes are finally open, but they don't focus on anything in particular from behind his tangled bangs. They're glazed and flat.

She almost asks who he is afraid for, but there's only one answer to that. And while she can't say what exactly happened, it's obvious something has. Something ripping him apart.

She has a few guesses.

"The fact that you care says far more about you than you think. Even if I know you don't believe it."

"It can say whatever it wants about me," Koumyou's eyes droop closed again, like holding them open is too much effort.

"Anything and anyone can," he's just so tired, "but I don't have to care."

And hopefully he can take that armor of not caring, and build it back up where it had been before. Constricting, but comfortable.

"No, you don't. That's a choice you'll have to make." She wishes she could make it for him, but that's not how any of this works. Eventually, he'll have to realize it on his own.

"I'm sorry I can't help." That seems to be sort of a theme on the train, but she squashes that thought as soon as she thinks it. This is not about her right now.

"I can see why you've chosen this spot. It's quite comfortable."

It isn't, but she's not leaving.

"It's as out of the way as I could be without taking up a quiet room," Koumyou says, simply.

And yet he's still drawn attention, despite his efforts.

"No one would have minded if you did." She knows that's not the reason, but they can pretend for a moment, right? Won't that help?

"They are there to be used, after all."

"I also felt it would draw undue attention."

He doesn't want... this. This companionship she's offering by sitting with him. It makes it hard to be hollow, to contemplate emptiness.

"I've found that Lord and Lady care very little about our wants in favor of our needs. It seems there's always someone there when they're needed." Always the Gifts they need most, always the Herald with the ability. She doesn't know the gods' reach here, but it certainly feels like they can still touch her.

"If those are gods, I doubt they've any use for me."

This isn't even the sadness talking, this is just... he's a Sanzo.

He's spoken directly with the Gods, and he has found them lacking.

"They're the ones I know, though only some of many." There is no one true way, after all. The whole mantra of Valdemar--a place she is missing very badly right now.

"I'll believe they do, even if you won't."