voidtreckerexpress | A New Platform [Intro Post February]

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A New Platform [Intro Post February]

On the Train

Three days after the Voidtreckers return to the void after their adventures on the biosphere world, they are awoken by a familiar announcement.

"Good morning passengers, it is day Sixteen of the month of Jelly. Points have been updated on the system."

They have indeed, and everyone can spend the morning shopping. Those who have been on the train for a while will also be expecting the second announcement that comes a few hours later.

"Shortly arriving into a designated void platform. Exit from void in ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one." A lurch and a jolt and the windows fill with the fog that means they are at a platform. The fog seems thicker than usual and as they step out onto the platform they will find it is cold, very cold. Icy fog sticks to their clothing, makes it hard to see very far; the atmosphere is dark and gloomy.

As usual the first to leave the train notice nothing as they walk silently, rucksacks on their backs, towards the barriers: Alexis Rhodes, Elfnein, Itsuki Myoudouin, Ken Ichijouji, MT, Neku Sakuraba, Nike Lemercier, Noctis Lucis Caelum, Rainbow Dash, Rei Saotome, Taichi Yagami, Tsubomi Hanasaki, Yuri Tsukikage and Zechs Merquise all pass through the platform, not looking back before they disappear through the barriers and into the fog beyond.

But on the platform itself there are new faces. Wearing hoodies in all four colours, in various states of confusion.

For New Passengers

At first all they can see is steam, billowing around them as they come to their senses. As their eyes adjust, they will see they are on a platform, glass and dark stone rising in sturdy arches around them. Behind them is a set of barriers, and in front of them is a single track extending both ways into thick fog.

They are standing, in clothes that are not their own and a style they might not even recognise. They are carrying a rucksack on their back. For a moment it seems to just be them, alone in the white haze; then the steam begins to fade and they realise they aren’t alone.

The platform is not large with sixteen figures scattered around, all facing the tracks, all dressed in cargo trousers and hoodies. To both the left and right, tracks disappear into the mist. Then there is a roaring sound and out of the fog arrives a train. Jet black with gold writing on the side. The Voidtrecker Express. There is a hiss as the doors slide open and out step a strange assortment of people. Some are human, some are less so. Most are wearing the same hoodie in one of the four colours, red, orange, blue and purple, though some are sporting different clothes in a variety of styles.

The Train

After a short time, the doors hiss open again. Those from the train may encourage those on the platform to board. It’s not like there's anywhere else to go and even if there was, you feel a pull. A need to board, a feeling that staying on the platform would lead to something terrible. If that is not enough, there are plenty of people on the platform now, to encourage them onto the train.

Each ICP shows the same message and next to the screens there are stacks of leaflets written by those on the train, with further information (see
'Publications'). The store rooms have been restocked with fresh ingredients, including several crates of avocados, the ingredient of the month of Jelly, as well as all sundries.

For passengers that have bought items, these are also scattered around the luggage carriage in various suitcases and bags.

New passengers will find their ticket allows them into their cabins. They may need to negotiate for beds, especially if they want a top bunk!

Room is tight but there are storage cubbies at the head of each bed, beds fold up and the bottom bunks double as benches for the small table. There is storage under those benches full of spare blankets and pillows.

Departure

A second horn sounds to encourage any stragglers braving the freezing fog, and the doors slide shut. Veteran passengers know what will happen next, but they may wish to brief their new companions.

The train sets off, the fog obscuring the view again as it picks up speed.

"Welcome aboard, passengers of the Voidtrecker Express." A female-coded artificial sounding voice echoes throughout the train. "Please take the time to read the passenger information displayed on the Information and Communication points and familiarise yourself with the layout and emergency exits."

The train begins to tilt, leaving the ground and rising up into the fog-filled sky.

"Entrance into Voidspace imminent. New passengers are advised to remain seated. Entry into Voidspace in ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one."

A shudder, a jolt, a lurch to the left. A flash of light, colourful and blinding. As quick as it happens it is done. The train seems to steady itself. The fog from the windows is gone now, replaced with a kaleidoscope of ever-changing colours.

Welcome to the Void!

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And Koumyou hooks his arms over Devero's shoulders and goes up onto his toes to meet him, smiling into the kiss and more than willing to linger like that, too.

Lingering is good. Devero's okay with lingering, and it makes a fine distraction from the sutra tendrils, now doesn't it? He opens his mouth slightly against Koumyou's, tasting the priest's lower lip with a darting swipe of the tongue. Is... is this still okay? They haven't really shared more than chaste smooches since before the mission.

More than okay, for the moment. It's a moment in which Koumyou gets swept up and forgets to be anxious about it, and just... chases after that darting tongue with his own. So there's the tip of Koumyou's tongue against Devero's parted lips, in a shy little swipe.

His arms tighten around Devero, and one tendril of the sutra actually lifts the priest a few inches off the ground to level the playing field a little.

Devero gasps against Koumyou's lips, lifting his head to see what it was that had lifted the priest. Of course, what else would it be but the sutra? He can't find it in himself to be scared of a single tendril, especially not when it's making it easier for him to kiss Koumyou.

So he tightens his grip back up and returns his mouth to his boyfriend's with a needy little sound.

And Koumyou's happy to be returned to, swallowing that sound and daring to try to slide his tongue against Devero's, slippery and hot and oh-so intimate past his lips.

For that moment.

And then the priest is pulling away, raising a bony hand to cover his own mouth like he'd just given voice to some terrible secret. "--S-sorry."

Devero makes that same needy sound as Koumyou pulls away from him, his mouth questing blindly after the priest's for an instant before he recalls himself. His brow furrows and he leans back a little. "For... for what?" he asks uncertainly.

"For... for that," Koumyou's feet touch the ground again as that one tendril of sutra eases up off the floor just behind him. "I don't want to... coerce you or, or trick you, or... or any of that."

If Devero's so nervous about the sutra, it may be all too easy to 'give' him the wrong kind of distraction. The kind that would be wrong for Koumyou to engage in.

Devero opens his mouth automatically to protest that Koumyou couldn't, but reconsiders and shuts it before he says anything of the sort. Instead, what he says is, "You don't have anything to apologize for. I'm the one who initiated it."

Koumyou tips his head forward slightly, so that his long bangs hide most of his face. "Sorry."

He doesn't know what else to say.

But he does, at least, hold his partially-covered hands out, and offers, "We can keep dancing if you want?"

Devero takes one of Koumyou's hands in his own, but uses his other to try and gently urge the priest's face up again. "Hey," he says quietly, his concern apparent. "Is everything all right?"

Koumyou allows his face to be tipped up only part-way. "I just..."

What of his expression can be seen is distinctly conflicted.

"I miss doing stuff like that with you, but I know what I look like and I know-- I know things weren't... right..."

He looks away again, and says quietly, "I said I want to be better for you, and I mean it."

Devero doesn't force Koumyou to look any higher, cupping the other man's cheek in his palm instead. "...What do you mean, things weren't... right...?" he asks uncertainly. The last time they'd done stuff like that shines bright and hot in his memory even now. He would be more than happy to tumble right back into bed with Koumyou.

But apparently the priest doesn't remember it with the same enthusiasm he does. And the only thing he can think is that they moved too fast, and that Koumyou's having regrets after the fact. "We don't have to do anything you didn't enjoy again," he says, so sure that that's the problem. "I know we moved really fast, I-- I'm sorry if I pushed you past your comfort level..."

Koumyou shakes his head, "I liked all of it. A lot."

But.

But. After their fight, he still just can't... shake the possibility that he'd twisted the bigger man's arm somehow. 'Without knowing it' is the kinder scenario. What if part of him had known?

"We don't have to do things, to be together. We don't have to do things, for me to feel what I feel about you. You don't need to... do anything."

"Did-- did I give you any reason to think that I-- that I didn't enjoy myself? Or that I don't want to have sex with you?" Devero grips Koumyou's shoulders now, as if he's afraid the priest might flutter away from him.

"I want to be intimate with you, Koumyou, I've wanted to since the first time I saw you. I think you're incredibly sexy. Nothing about that has changed."

Koumyou doesn't try to pull away, at least, but he does bow his head again, hands fisting loosely at his sides. "But I don't know what I'm doing, and I look like a... a skeleton. A skeleton that's gone through a wood-chipper! You don't have to--"

He pauses only for half a second, to reset his anxiety just that tiny bit.

"You don't have to put up with that. To have me around. It's okay. It's really okay!"

Where is this coming from? Okay, Devero does know that Koumyou's self-conscious about his inexperience (naturally) and his appearance (maybe not a surprise, given the way Devero had gaped at him the first time he'd seen the priest unclothed), but he hasn't really given either of those things a second thought since their first passionate experience together. He'd assumed the same was true of the priest.

Apparently not.

"Koumyou..." he starts, uncertain, then decides to just. Repeat himself. "Koumyou, I still think you're sexy. That hasn't changed. When I look at you, I don't see a-- a chipped-up skeleton!"

He glides his palms down Koumyou's arms to take both of his hands, as if squeezing them might convey his sincerity. "I see the man that I love, wearing all the hard, horrible things he's had to survive right there on his skin. The way you look is as much a part of you as-- as your sutra, and I wouldn't change a thing."

Koumyou finally looks up, expression pained and painfully vulnerable. "I... but..."

Devero's promised he didn't coerce him into what they'd done, but he still can't shake the horrible certain rightness of that terrible insinuation. It's got its claws in him still, and he can't shake it so easily. Not when it played into every insecurity he has, so neatly and cleanly.

"I don't want you to do this because... because you think it's required, or because it's better than dealing with the sutra, or... or anything. I..."

Edited 2021-02-07 18:27 (UTC)

Devero releases Koumyou's hands and actually takes a step back, giving Koumyou a little space. This is bigger than some warm words and a smile can reassure, which means he wants to take it seriously.

He half-turns towards his Interface where it still sits on the floor and gestures, shutting off the music, then returns his attention to the priest. "Koumyou, where is this coming from...?"

Koumyou tucks his hands into his sleeves, tilting his head forward to hide his face behind his long bangs again.

He doesn't have to search at all to find the stain of his blood on the stage. It's faint, but still there.

"I know you said I didn't... coerce you before, but that doesn't mean I might never-- that doesn't mean I can t-trust myself. When we fought, I..."

Really took to heart the things Devero had said. Even though the man hadn't meant them, ultimately, they'd resonated.

"We don't have to do anything to just, be," he repeats quietly, "I don't want to lose you, and I don't want to ever hurt you, either."

The sutra hasn't gone away, but it's dwindled down to only one tendril, which actually just lays on the stage as though forgotten.

"I want to do these things with you," Devero protests. "I--"

But he doesn't know how to convince Koumyou that he doesn't think the other man would ever hurt him. He can't find the words, and maybe that's because he's started to realize... Well, would he even know, if Koumyou was violating his consent in some way? Would he even be able to tell? He may have only just barely started down the path of confronting how profoundly Valdana has abused him, but that's still enough to realize that his understanding of what's normal in the bedroom is... probably pretty fucked up!

Wrapping his arms around himself and tucking his hands into his armpits, Devero looks away. "If-- if you're not comfortable it," he says finally, "then we won't do anything. We don't need it to be happy, you're right. I'm not going to force you to fuck me, especially not if it's going to make you this miserable."

"I want to, I just... don't know how to trust myself," Koumyou admits so, so quietly.

"And if I slipped and did something wrong I don't know if I could ever, ever forgive myself."

"What is it you're so afraid of doing to me?" he asks, coming half a step closer. "You-- you barely know anything about-- all of this, I don't understand..."

"I'm afraid we'll do something, and I'll find out later you didn't want to," Koumyou says so quietly that Devero having moved closer might be the only reason he can pick out the words at all.

"I'm afraid... you've been through so much, I can't even imagine. And yet you're the only person I've ever wanted to do things with... what if someone who's been hurt is what I'm into? How would I even know? What if every bit of darkness Ukoku's told me he sees in me is really there? And that's why I suddenly have a libido at forty-seven?"

He doesn't trust himself, and he absolutely doesn't like himself. Not one bit.

"When I thought I... coerced you, I... I couldn't bear to exist anymore. Because it wasn't... it wasn't outside the realm of possibility that I had done it, was it? How would I even know?"

Edited 2021-02-08 00:51 (UTC)

"Oh, Koumyou," Devero breathes. It would be heartbreaking enough to hear his sanzo sounding so wretched and miserable regarding anything, but when he's the cause? Oh, it's awful. He wants to reach out and hold Koumyou, but he's afraid to touch him. He wants to tell him that his fears are ridiculous, but he's afraid of making it worse. There's a cowardly part of him that just wants to say whatever it is that will appease and lift Koumyou's spirits, lest the priest decide to blame Devero for feeling the way he does...

Which, in a way, is the crux of the problem, isn't it? Standing here, emotions up but not uncontrolled, it's easy for Devero to understand that impulse as an unhelpful one, and dismiss it. But in the middle of their fight, when the fearful hound had bayed its warning, Devero had reacted to it instinctively.

He looks at Koumyou, and feels absolutely helpless to make him feel better.

But he can't not try. So what he finally says, after a moment of uncertain silence, is, "...Only you can answer those questions for yourself, Koumyou. I can't help you figure that out. But I-- I can tell you that-- the only time I've ever felt unsafe around you was that night. The only time.

"And I--" He has to stop, licking his lips nervously before he can speak, his own voice dropping now. "I've felt unsafe around Valdana for a very long time." Rust and ruin, it makes his heart pound to even admit that much so plainly. "So don't-- don't think that I just-- don't know how to tell, all right?"

He has to turn away, his grip on himself tightening. "I know I'm the one who got myself into the whole... f-fucking thing with her, so my track record is-isn't great, but... try to give me some credit?"

Except saying it like that makes him realize he deserves no credit at all. He submitted himself willing to Valdana's abuse, didn't he? Maybe Koumyou's right.

Inside his sleeves, Koumyou's been white-knuckle gripping his own elbows as though he has to hold on for dear life. When Devero says that last bit, Koumyou dares to step closer and just... rests his forehead against Devero's back.

"Okay."

If Devero can tell, and hasn't felt like that around him...

"If that ever changes, please... I..." deep, shuddering breath, "I want to protect you." Including from himself, if need-be. Maybe especially from himself.

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cw sexual abuse mention

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cw abuse trauma

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