voidtreckerexpress | Orange Team Meeting

Entry tags:

Orange Team Meeting

Who: Orange Team (+ anyone else?)
Where: Music Car (top level)
When: Llama 3:, mid-morning.
What: Orange Team meet(ing) and mingle
Warnings: None?

It's shortly after the morning breakfast rush that Eva uses the ICP to remind Orange Team of the meeting. "Orange Team, please report to the Music Carriage for a Team Meeting in roughly an hour. It isn't mandatory, but we do encourage everyone to attend. If you want to bring snacks, please do. Otherwise, see you there."

Once again Eva's commandeered the top of the Music carriage, given the number of people in the team, and notably, she has Lele out, the porygon2 set to record the meeting so the minutes can later be printed out.

Food-wise, there's there's a packet of snacks and far too many oran, pinap, and cheri berries across numerous bowls. Otherwise it's bring your own snacks.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"We can definitely hope that's the case..."

Rich would be a little lonelier, but he'd be happy to know his friends made it back, rather than being trapped anywhere.

He shakes his head at the question, a little ashamed.

"Oh... n-no, it wasn't exactly against my will. They sold it to me... I was just desperate enough to believe I was getting a good deal. It had a lot of control over me... made me do a lot of horrible things." Even when it wasn't puppeting him around and using his own voice, it manipulated him into being so cruel... in such a way that Rich honestly thought it was impossible for him to be anything but an asshole.

"I managed to get it shut off before I came here, but... there was a bit of a situation where it got turned on again."

"That sounds really traumatic. And it sounds as though they tricked you into it. I'm sorry that happened to you, Rich. How did that implanted computer get turned back on, after you came onto the train? And what happened when it was turned on again? And don't worry, I won't judge you."

"Maybe. In some ways. I mean, I couldn't have known what I was signing up for, but it was still selfish of me to even go for it. It's... complicated."

He never knows how to explain all of this without just garnering pity from someone else, and he's sure that's only going to get worse if he explains what happened here.

"...Made another bum deal. I mean, the SQUIP is a quantum computer, right? It uses quantum computing to see all the possible futures that could result from a decision, and then it makes the decision to get the best future. I mentioned that to someone here. Thought maybe it could help us find a way off the train. He thought so too, so we tried it. He promised he'd help me turn it off as soon as we had a solution, but when it couldn't come up with anything, he g-got pissed."

He breathes slowly out through his mouth, his hands fidgeting and reaching up to the scars on his arms. He finds himself picking at the warped skin absently.

"I was just... cruel. To people I care about. I dismissed them, I forgot the promises I made to them, I insulted them. I didn't really physically hurt anyone, but it felt bad enough doing that much."

"I don't know about the selfishness. You don't strike me as being a selfish person. But you should have been told what you were signing up for, it wasn't fair that you were not."

Pity isn't exactly what Curufin feels for Rich. He has enough experience with making terrible decisions to know how easy it is to do just that, so it's more like empathy.

"A quantum computer? I've read a little about quantum mechanics, though I can't say I understood everything I read. But it seems a little strange to have the computer making the decision instead of just computing all the possible results of the decision and then letting the human make the decision. I can understand why you did it, though, if you hoped it could help us find a way off the train. And whoever that was who got pissed, he should have helped you turn the thing off."

He gives Rich an empathetic look. "I know what it feels like to remember that I was cruel during my lifetime in my own world. It sounds as though you did a lot less damage than I did, but I can understand how unhappy you are with the amount you did do."

"I mean, there's no other way to explain what it was. Being willing to do all that just to get attention from other people... just to be noticed, it's selfish."

He knows there was a lot going one with him when he was at that age, but he still thinks he was being foolish to think something as shallow as popularity would fix things.

His expression darkens when Curufin comments on the computer, a hand moving up to one of his scars without really realizing it. He traces the ridges of it up and down his bicep as he speaks.

"Yeah, well. I don't think the SQUIP thinks humans are capable of making decisions. Every time we do, we fail, in its eyes. It's why it thought the best course of action was taking all of us over, so no one could ever be unpredictable and flawed again."

He grits his teeth for a moment, feeling queasy, and his fingernails dig into the scars. "That's what I was doing. That's what my cruelty was. Selling these computers to other people I thought were as pathetic as I was. Bullying them into being that desperate. When that didn't work, I was going to just force them on everyone. Dose their drinks at a party, get everyone synced up to the same network."

He can smell smoke again, and he isn't sure if he can hear dance music or a fire alarm. "You were cruel in your world? I almost ended mine."

Curufin did a few things he wishes he hadn't done, in order to get his father's approval. That isn't quite the same as seeking the approval of a whole community or even just one's peers. But in a way, it's in the ballpark. "Perhaps. But everybody makes mistakes."

He shakes his head. "This SQUIP sounds like a real danger to your world. It's true that humans don't always make the best decisions, but who should be making decisions that affect humans except humans? Certainly not a machine."

He listens to Rich's description of what he did to achieve what were probably the machine's goals.

"I was cruel, and I came damned close to destroying two Elvish communities. Also, I probably caused my cousin Finrod's death. But how did you almost end your world? Do you mean by selling or tricking people into accepting those computers?"

"If the SQUIP's plan had gone through, then I don't think the world would have been the same. The plan was that I'd start by SQUIPping my whole school. After that, we'd take over all of New Jersey. Then go country by country. Everyone would have been synced to the same social network. Our goals would have been made compatible with everyone else's... if we were allowed to have goals at all."

He exhales shakily through grit teeth. "I was... I was in the hospital when it started to happen. When I could feel my friends' SQUIPs turning on one by one. I could feel them all reaching out for mine. I was... so connected. I didn't need to feel alone, or unsure of myself. I had this perfect list of directives and orders right in front of me, and if I just followed them, then I'd be happy. The pain and the scarring would all be gone if I just obeyed...

And I didn't want to fight it," he finally breathes out, with a tinge of horror at his own words.

"It sounds as if it's a good thing SQIP's plan didn't succeed! It was going to keep the human race from determining its own goals, and I don't think that would have been a good thing. People have to be able to work things out for themselves."

He shakes his head. "Trading your autonomy for connection and a list of directives and orders. . . doesn't sound like a fair trade. Not to me, anyway. And I guess not to you, at least not now?"

He adds, "But you weren't given a choice, really. You may not have wanted to fight it, but that's not your fault."

"I know now it wasn't good... I was just messed up in the head. It'd been confusing me about what I actually wanted for a long time. It's why I'm trying so hard to be my own person now. I mean, I figured out I was bi after I got rid of it. Who else knows what I'll figure out?"

His expression is lighter for a moment, but he hesitates after a few moments.

"I still don't blame people for not wanting to associate with me though. I'm not... a good person, and no one I've hurt has to give me another chance."

"I can see that you're trying hard to be your own person now, and I admire you for that. You're bi? I thought so. So am I. That's one of those imoortant things to figure out, isn't it? And who knows what other things will pop up on that list of important things?"

Curufin is happy to see Rich's expression lighten.

"Who doesn't want to associate with you? Do you mean just on the train, or in your own world? And I don't see you as not a good person. You may have your complexities, but who doesn't? And who on the train or anywhere else can say they havn't made some terrible mistakes in their life?"

"Heh, am I that obvious? I was in the closet for a pretty long time... didn't want to admit it to anyone. I'm still kinda awkward about the other parts of my identity, so..."

It wasn't hard for the SQUIP to play off of his insecurity before, and it's probably why he's still holding himself back.

"I just mean in general, I guess? I don't know if anyone I used to be friends with back home will accept me now... and on the train, if someone's hurt by what I did, I don't want them to just put that behind them if they don't want to, you know?" Sure, maybe Curufin has made mistakes before, but he has never lashed out at Rich for them, or been anything but kind. Rich is... a lot more volatile.

"Well, obvious to another bi person. It seems there are small indicators that are so subtle that even I can't explain them, though I can percieve them."

Damn that SQUIP!

"I guess you'd have to worry about that if the train ever decides to send you home. But as for on the train, I think that if anyone was hurt by what you did, maybe they should tell you so and then get curious about your motivations, and try to understand. That's what I'd do, anyway. But of course I wasn't there when all of that happened. If anybody mentions you to me and says they were hurt by your words or actions, I'll give them that same advice. I think it pays to try to understand."

It is an odd thing, that Curufin is no longer the volatile person he was in his own world. He learned from his experiences and made some radical changes. The only time he ever yells anymore is when no one he cares about is going to be hurt by it. He yelled when he returned to the train and found himself in a trunk in the Luggage Car, and he yelled at that strange creature that turned out to be the illusion-maker in the last mission. He also shouted at the dragon in one of his illusions. But he never yells at any other Voidtreckers, nor did he express anger at any of his relatives when he met them in other worlds and here on the train.

"Right. Guess gaydar is even a thing for elves, then. I mean, that's good to know, at least. I don't have to worry too much here anyways. People have been understanding about it... just, whenever I can manage to get the courage to talk about it."

He hugs one arm absent mindedly, just to give himself a bit of reassurance. "I think that's what I need people to do. Even if I keep telling myself that's not what I want. I'm, uh, I'm used to feeling like I've done such awful things that I don't really deserve another chance." He knows that's not the case, though. He's giving Jack another chance, and Curufin clearly deserved another chance. It's just hard to hold himself to the same standard.

"Gaydar, yes, I've heard that term for that ability. I guess it is a thing for Elves, as I've had it since I became old enough to need it." Grin. He's remembering how wild he was back in those days.

"I think that people here on the train generally understand that there are different sexual orientations. I can imagine that they'd listen with sympathy." He grins again. "If anybody didn't, I'd kick their ass. And so would a lot of other people."

He gazes at Rich with empathy. "You do deserve a second chance, even if the things you did were awful. I'll always believe that."

Rich manages a little smile too, and even a laugh. "You saying that all elves are bi? Or just that they all get flirty right away?" He remembers how Curufin encouraged him at that concert, so maybe it's unsurprising they're a little more open.

"No, I know. People have been really awesome. I just... got used to having to hide it, so it's weird." Weirder still to be told he deserves to try to be good. He sighs gently and shakes his head. "Guess there's no point in convincing you, huh?"

He grins back. "Not all Elves are bisexual. In fact, most are heterosexual. At least, that's what our culture would have us believe. Although in fact, gay relationships are tacitly acknowledged in song and story, but they are never openly approved. My eldest brother Maedhros and my half-cousin Fingon were in love from the time they were teenagers, and there are songs that honor Fingon for rescuing Maedhros from a desperate situation after we arrived in Middle-earth, and those songs celibrate the love between them without acknowledging openly that they were lovers. And then there was me. I chased both sexes, but when it came time to settle down in Beleriand, the country me and my brothers chose when we came to Middle-earth, I married a woman and had a son. I was trying to live up to the description of a responsible Elf. I don't regret it, since the result was my son Celebrimbor, but my wife left me. I wasn't unfaithful to her, but I suspect that she became aware that my focus was not entirely on her."

He smiles. "Yeah, I get flirty right away. I can't help it, I'm a flirt by nature. And no, there's no point in convincing me. I have no quarrel with your sexual orientation, and I'll never do anything but display acceptance." And besides that, he'll continue to consider Rich good at heart and to encourage him to take whatever steps he believes appropriate to make amends for the way he behaved when that damnable computer was in control of him.

"So some things never change. And a disapproval with the gays is definitely one of those things. In my world, people sometimes talk about gay people, but there's always a big argument over whether they're accepted. And some people will kill people like that that they don't understand..." It makes Rich a little pissed to know some worlds are just as backwards as his.

"I get trying to pretend you're normal... I did that a lot before I came here, obviously. Now I don't really care, though. Just feels like I should be allowed to flirt with whoever I want and not give a fuck anymore." He flushes softly. "I mean, I wasn't worried about you approving of that. Just all the crappy things I did."

"Despite the acceptance gays recieve on the train, I think it's true that many worlds do not accept us. Gays are sometimes killed in your world? That's horrible! At least nobody in my world was ever murdered for that. Murdered for all sorts of other reasons, but not that one."

He folds his arms and smiles again. "You're right, I was trying to pretend I was normal. And I'm sure you must have put a lot of energy into such pretenses. What you say about your world makes me understand why. But Rich, all the crappy things you did don't make you a bad person at heart. I know you're a good person at heart. And I know I keep saying this, but I really do believe that everyone deserves a second chance."

"Yeah, it's pretty awful. There's like, literally a defense you can use in court, gay panic. If someone kills a gay person, they can claim they killed in self-defense, because they were so freaked out about hearing the guy swung for the other team. It's bullshit, but my dad would probably use the same excuse to beat my ass if I came out to him."

He sighs softly, trying to stop himself from getting riled up. Curufin's words do a lot to settle him as well, and he stares at the other man in soft surprise. "You... know that I'm good? How can, um, how can you tell?"

"The murderer of a gay person can be exonerated on account of they were freaked out by the mere fact of their victim being gay?" He shakes his head. "That's certainly bullshit. And it's too bad your father can't wrap his head around the idea that his son might not be. . . entirely heterosexual. If he ever finds out, I say run like hell and go off and make a life of your own that doesn't include him."

He gives Rich a sympathetic smile. "I know that you're good. It's hard to explain how I know. I'm an Elf, I can percieve the energies a person radiates. And yours is very positive. Especially when you're playing your guitar and singing."

"Heh, don't worry. I already was planning on ditching him. He... really wasn't good to me, at all, even without knowing about all this stuff. If I wanna survive, I'm going to have to let him go. I need to make changes so I don't... y'know. End up being part of the shitty cycle of abuse."

He doesn't know if he can escape that... become more than what his past almost destined him to be, but Curufin seems to believe in him. And... he's been trying all this time, so there's nothing wrong with continuing on under the assumption that he can. He smiles back, softly and sheepishly. "I just... really like music, I guess. My mom taught me when I was little. I don't think there was a moment I was with her that I wasn't dancing."

Curufin nods. "You certainly don't need a father like that in your life. You have your own life to live, and survival to achieve, and plans to ditch the cycle of abuse and pursue your dreams."

Curufin does indeed believe in Rich. He smiles. "I can tell that you really like music, just from hearing you play and sing. Your mother must have loved you very much, to have given you such a gift."

Rich grins back at him, a little more pumped up than he was before. "Yeah. I have a different path to follow now. Maybe... I can play music like my mom did. I don't know. As long as I'm here, at least, I'll have an audience!"

"You absolutely will have an audience!" agrees Curufin.

And soon he goes off to hand out more surveys.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Orange Team Meeting

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw abuse mention, homophobia

no subject

no subject

Want to wrap this thread and catch up somewhere later?

Works for me! Thank you for being so sweet to this dork, Curufin

Curufin says Rich is a really nice dork! XD