voidtreckerexpress | [Open] Oh that I had a bird’s wings.

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~x~meng yao [ou]

[Open] Oh that I had a bird’s wings.

Who: Meng Yao & Open
Where: Garden carriage and then a various corridor.
When: Llama 3; mid-afternoon and then night.
What: There is only one way to become stronger.
Warnings: Mentions of sexual abuse (vague).

[I want to soar high among the clouds,]

The garden carriage is the only place that reminds him of home. At least when he thinks about the beautiful parts. Meng Yao loves things that are well-tended and the order and logic behind where the flowers have been planted appeals to him. He doesn't think, for a moment, about the ugly streets that led to the brothel where he was born. He doesn't think about the men who took advantage of his mother and himself.

Oh how he has been praised for his handsome face! Do they - those who praise him - honestly think a boy like him remained untouched in such a foul environment? There is anger and bitterness deep inside of him; both emotions shield him from the pain. He feels stronger when he is furious; like a dragon or a phoenix. Yet, thus far in his life, he has only managed to whine and growl like a fox.

Clenching his fists, his breathing irregular, Meng Yao tries to meditate, focusing on his Golden Core. He knows there are imperfections - he will never be the mightiest - but he can be stronger. His future self has proven that. But, unlike him, Meng Yao wants to use his strength for good. For the protection of those he loves.

He sits on the grass, therefore, legs crossed, eyes closed and hands slowly relaxing their hold on his robes. Should anyone approach him silently, he will draw his sword. He isn't in the best mental state - the past is too fresh - and he has grown paranoid that someone from his world will seek his death.

[Cast my gaze across the unmeasured void.]

It's late and the motion of the train remains an obstacle for him when it comes to sleep. So he wanders the corridors, humming a tune under his breath. He thinks about going to the library, but he is too tired to focus on the pages. Thus he continues his journey, yawning behind his hand. No, the kitchen might be better. At least there he can drink something soothing.

Wine would be nice.

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From prior experience, Xichen has a very good idea that some commonly-used manners of meditation ... do not seem to work well for Meng Yao. Before, he had mostly waved that off as part of how all people are different, how each other's path to cultivation varies.

After everything, and having had plenty of time to think things over - and he has been thinking everything over - he does wonder if the reason for this particular difficulty does not lie into what is in Mneg Yao's heart, having to face it in such a way hindering rather than assisting the flow of spiritual energy, the growth of the golden core.

But interrupting is... rude, and Xichen is not given to rudeness. Instead, he takes out Liebing, letting the soft notes let the other man he is nearby - and if Meng Yao persists, they will aid with a trickle of Xichen's own spiritual energy.

Edited 2021-05-06 14:01 (UTC)

Liebing is unmistakable and though he is buried deep in meditation, some part of him perks up at the sound. Liebing belongs to Xichen. His heart knows that man and Meng Yao clings to all of the wonderful feelings Xichen has given him. Yet there is chaos too - enough for several lifetimes - and he lets out a harsh breath, opening his eyes.

What he needs to move forward - to strengthen his spirit - is peace. However it has been denied him at almost every turn. Suppressing a shudder, he instinctively looks for Xichen.

Just as he would have searched for Mingjue.

"Liebing is lovely. I wish I could calm myself."

After a moment, Xichen lowers the xiao from his lips, his eyes curving ever so slightly though he does not look at Meng Yao directly.

"This kind of attempting it never did work very well for you. The manners to meditate which do not involve sitting still might be more successful."

Now he looks at the younger man. "If you would join me, I can guide you through a set of very simple motions which, repeated enough times, seemed to work well for you?"

Not sword moves. Something much simpler and gentler.

To be in motion... He stretches out immediately, taking to the idea with a small smile (and not wholly because Lan Xichen suggested it). His heart beats quicker as he rises onto his feet, brushing the grass off of his robes.

"I will follow you faithfully."

Motion for motion. Meng Yao moves to stand before Xichen, entrusting him with all of the chaos that is in his spirit. He just hopes it doesn't hurt this dear man again.

"Thank you for your guidance, Zewu-Jun."

And for caring. Always caring.

"I have no doubt that you will not need to be guided in this for long." But he also does incline his head, accepting the thanks.

Then he turns so his motions are easy to observe, giving a short inhale-exhale sequence that cycles to the original position.

"You can cycle through them as many times as you need. Together now?"

The compliment brings color to his cheeks and he stares at Xichen as if he is...

His everything. Love as intense as his cannot be hidden, though, to his credit, he does focus on what he is taught.

No, he won't forget the motions. He never forgets anything; that is his blessing and his curse.

"Together." he repeats softly, mirroring Xichen dutifully. Somewhere, in the midst of the motions, his eyes close and he falls into a trance-like state. Making contact with his core is the only way to soothe the chaos that haunts his every step, his every decision. So instead of remembering the past, this time, he remembers...

Mingjue. How the man smiles at him; how he relies on him and protects him.

Then Xichen. Meng Yao trembles at the force of emotion he feels for the eldest Lan. Each day it grows; each day he learns something new about what it means to love another.

He uses that love now to ease the scars deep within him.

Meng Yao wasn't the only one who needed to meditate, though Leia's reasons were somewhat different. She'd been on board for a couple of days, and felt she'd settled into life on the train reasonably well. Physically, at least.

The rest of her, the luminous being, still needed to get properly in tune with the Force in this new dimension. So much life from so many different worlds and dimensions in a fairly confined space... It was wonderful and vibrant, but it was also chaotic. The thoughts and emotions of sentients, the somewhat simpler minds of animals, the quieter lives of plants, and even the broader sensations of the place itself all jumbled together, competing with each other and clashing discordantly in her perceptions.

They needed to be brought to order. Not the kind of order that Isis had wanted and had tried to impose on all of reality; sterile, frozen perfection in glass. The Force was far too dynamic for that. No what was needed was balance. Harmony. And of the places she'd seen on board, the garden seemed like the best place to find some.

And it seemed, as she saw when she arrived, that she hadn't been the only one who'd had that idea that evening. She smiled slightly and took up a spot on the grass herself; not too far from the young man, but not near enough that her approach might disturb his meditation. She then closed her eyes, focused on her breathing and gradually settled into meditation and into the Force. And in turn, allowed the Force to gradually settle around and within her.

Everyone sensitive to the Force perceived it somewhat differently when sunk deeply into it. For Leia, it was as an infinitely complex web of threads of energy, glowing in every color imaginable, and some that weren't. Touching the threads allowed her to sense their vibrations, or to cause or alter vibrations already there. Those around the young man vibrated with chaotic energy, picked and plucked at by curls of dark emotions despite his earnest efforts. Perhaps, if she...

No. While she likely could project peace, artificially still the strings and banish the darkness plucking at them for the moment, it would be doing the young man no favors to do it for him. She knew better than most the importance of finding one's own path to overcoming their personal darkness. But at the same time she didn't feel she should leave him alone entirely either. Letting her instincts guide her, she gently calmed some of the harshest vibrations, giving the young man a bit of steadier spiritual ground on which to find his feet while she finished finding hers.

If Meng Yao were to open his eyes just then, he would likely see the older woman surrounded by a faint blue glow, and perhaps floating an inch or so above the grass. This deep into the Force, the old 'crude matter' side of things tended to have a bit less hold on her than usual.

Huaisang would indeed also prefer wine tonight. It's yet another night that he had tried to sleep and found himself plagued with nightmares and waking out of breath and covered in sweat. So the idea of sleep is abandoned as he came to the kitchen and made himself some tea, finding something small to eat as he sat at the table.

More than ever he misses Qinghe. He misses his garden, his birds. He misses his art. Most of all he misses his brother and the ache is more hollow inside of him than usual.

Jin Ling isn't intending to come upon Meng Yao. In fact, he has been actively avoiding his shushu. Fairy is in tow and before Jin Ling even sees the other on the grass, Fairy had sprinted quietly growling. Jin Ling follows her and sees Meng Yao. His impassive expression turns quickly into a scowl and he doesn't recall Fairy and instead crosses his arms as he looks at the other.

Anger and pain war inside of him with the love that he hates that he still has for his uncle who had helped Jiang Cheng raise him.

He should say something, anything, instead of just glaring and letting Fairy growl.

He is distantly aware of not being alone, but it is difficult to emerge from the darkness to respond. However her offer of aid - the bright, pulsing light that enters his consciousness - takes his breath away. She is...someone powerful! Belatedly, his eyes open and he focuses on her, dazed.

Who is she? He wants to know, but he is hesitant to break her trance. The physical manifestation of her spirit is what intrigues him most. She is at one with the natural world! He can only assume she is some...Master.

Which means she could cut him down. Meng Yao is always aware of his own skin - disgustingly so. He isn't a hero and that dream has been further crushed on the train. Then again, could heroes be heroes without villains?

Of course Huaisang has beat him to it. Meng Yao grits his teeth, biting back on his bitterness as he walks into the carriage. He could turn around and go back to his bed, but there isn't any point. So he searches for wine, pretending to be too sleepy to notice he has company.

Maybe Huaisang will appreciate that?

The growling is enough to bring him out of any meditation. He reaches down for his sword, ready to draw it, but he stops himself immediately when he sees Jin Ling beside the dog. So this is Fairy? Then he has more than earned a bite from her.

And worse.

"Jin Ling." he tries out the name, swallowing against the bile that rises in his throat. He was never allowed to be Jin Yao. The boy is lucky.

"We should talk."

Leia was powerful indeed. She'd been made even more so, in certain ways, by her time in Nautilus. But very importantly, she was also keenly aware of how easy it was to misuse power, whatever form it came in, and of how much damage that doing so could do. And she knew that be it the Force, Bending, politics, money, or anything else, relying on it too much often caused as many problems as it solved, if not more. It could certainly be helpful, but it wasn't meant to be a crutch.

She was aware of the young man coming out of his mediation, and while she hoped she hadn't jarred him out of it, she couldn't really focus on the thought just then. Instead, she focused on finishing her own, a task that in this case was much less about actively centering herself, and much more about letting the Force center itself around and within her, which had always been more difficult for her.

Yet all in all, it didn't take much time in the physical world, so Meng Yao wouldn't have to wait long to talk to her. The blue glow around her faded and she settled gently back onto the grass, releasing a deep breath as she opened her eyes. She gave him a small smile. "Hello," she said. "I hope I didn't disturb you, but there are only so many places on board make for good mediation spots, and it seems we both had a similar idea tonight."

There’s a moment, fleeting, where there’s a flutter of something familiar, like there used to be when he sees Meng Yao but just as quickly the ache settles back in and he nearly throws his cup at the other’s head. And then... he just ignores him.

There’s honestly no pleasing Huaisang when it comes to the other.

“So now you pretend I don’t exist?”

Jin Ling makes a subtle motion to get Fairy to back down although the temptation to allow her to bite is heavily tempting. He still might.

“What should we talk about?”

It takes effort to keep his voice steady and calm.

He isn't like Wei Wuxian; he won't run from a dog. And he has suffered worse than a mauling in his lifetime. Thus his attention is focused entirely on his future nephew.

"Anything." Meng Yao pats the grass beside him, "You can yell at me if you like; you can even strike me. But I just want to know more about you."

Edited 2021-05-16 00:51 (UTC)

"Mm?" he peers over his shoulder, sensing danger. How can he not? Huaisang's temper is like approaching a smoking volcano. He fully expects the man to attack him eventually.

"I am only looking for some wine to help me sleep." he turns to face the other man, bowing respectfully, "I didn't know if you wanted to be disturbed." by him.

The ease with which she brings herself out of the meditation is also enviable. He is in the presence of a Master and he wonders, dangerously, if she would accept a student? Then again, who would accept someone with his future? It gives him a headache just thinking about it and it has made him feel sick - and be sick - on more than one occasion.

"No, no, of course you didn't disturb me." Meng Yao shakes his head to reassure her, "I am amazed at your abilities, my lady. Where did you learn to meditate in that manner? It was as if the natural world righted itself around you!"

Edited 2021-05-16 01:00 (UTC)

He may well be surprised if he did ask her. She knew very well that a person's darkness wasn't the be all and end all of who they were, and that it was never too late to choose a different path. And whatever darkness was dogging the young man before her, he clearly was trying to take another path.

"From my brother, initially," Leia said. "According to him, I actually turned out to be better at it than he is. He's always been better with a saber than I am though, so it balances out."

"I don't usually go as deep as you just saw, but after being suddenly transported here, it was necessary. Some of my abilities require being in tune with the Force- a kind of energy field created by all living things-, and being suddenly pulled into a different reality disrupted parts of that connection, along with making things generally a bit uncomfortable for me. Settling myself back into alignment with the Force was relatively easy, but letting it get back into alignment with me is always trickier, mostly because it's counter-intuitive to just let something happen rather than trying to actively make it happen."

Yes, he was. Desperately. The very idea of becoming Jin Guangyao nauseated him and he often dreamed of harming those he loved. Why would he become such a monster? He didn't understand and he wasn't sure he wanted to.

So that was why he was trying to meditate. If his Golden Core could be strengthened, wouldn't that help? It would at least help steady him and give him the confidence he needed to protect those he loves instead of...brutalizing them.

"Is your brother present?" Meng Yao had a love, hate relationship with the idea of siblings. Most of his refused to acknowledge him since he was "the whore's son".

"I see..." and he thought he did understand some of what she said. When things were left to happen naturally, it either took forever or never seemed likely to happen.

"I'm not sure I have ever been in sync with...anything." he peered at her from under dark lashes, "I do not pretend to be able to copy what you can do, but I think I could learn from you, my lady. Would you be willing to teach me a lesson or two?"

Edited 2021-05-17 11:28 (UTC)

For now, Huaisang still has a rein on his temper, if only barely. He spews ash but so far that's all.

"Your misdeeds keeping you awake?"

Jin Ling just scowls and his hands are crossed over his chest as he plops down on the ground but not very close to Meng Yao at all. Fairy settles near him, guarding and ready to launch herself at the other man at a moment's notice.

"What do you want to know about me?"

Good. This is...progress. But he has to be gentle or else he risks being mauled or, worse, Jin Ling fleeing. Meng Yao holds his breath and tries to ease the tension in his back.

"Everything. You are dear to me based on your...lineage..." don't say parentage, "alone. But that isn't enough. I want to know you, Jin Ling."

The ash burns nonetheless and Meng Yao flinches. Huaisang's barb is too close to the truth.

"I imagine them, yes, and... Sleep is difficult." his hands shake and he drops a glass, bending to pick it up, "I am sure you suffer worse than I."

"Not currently, no," Leia said. "Though if he ever does turn up, I'll be the first to know." There would be no mistaking the reawakening of that dormant connection, even if it was a different version of Luke than the one she knew. And speaking of other versions... "One of my children is on the train though, a young woman named Jaisyn. She arrived a few days ago, just like I did."

At the request for lessons she looked at him thoughtfully. It wouldn't be the first time she'd taken on the roll of teacher, though something told her that this time would be a bit different than any of the others, should she agree. She had a feeling that even more than any lessons, the young man could use someone in his life who took consistent interest in him in a reasonably positive way. And if nothing else, she could be such a stable presence.

That decided her. But it wasn't something they could just jump right into. "Well, I'm generally happy to give advice when people ask for it," she said. Then with a bit of an amused smile added, "And sometimes when they don't." Not for nothing had she been accused of being a meddler.

"But if we're talking more formal lessons, we ought to get to know each other a bit first. And since the logical place to start that is with introductions... I'm Leia Organa." She gave a polite nod. "Good to meet you."

Huaisang scoffs and looks away and despite the anger and pain he doesn't want to be alone either. So he doesn't send the other away.

"I don't believe you truly suffer."

He exhales.

"And I don't want to hear the arguments anymore."

"You can choose to believe as you like." he finally settles on making tea. Once he has a steaming cup, he walks over and sits across from Huaisang, blinking nervously.

"Zewu-Jun is teaching me meditation. A...better kind...for my nature."

Jin Ling fleeing is definitely more likely than Fairy mauling Meng Yao. All the same, Jin Ling sighs deeply as the other talks. It bothers him but he doesn't know why...exactly.

"Why? What do you want to know about me? Didn't you hate my father or... something."

He doesn't actually know.

"Hate...is a strong word." Meng Yao answers cautiously, looking uncomfortable with the subject, "I was jealous of your father. He had the love and attention I craved from our father, though I see now that was never his fault."

Meeting Jin Ling has helped him see clearer about that. There is nothing to hate about this boy.

Edited 2021-05-24 12:50 (UTC)

"Does it feel strange to you to meet a child who claims you are their mother?" Meng Yao has been in a similar position, though Jin Ling claims he is his uncle. The idea of having a family and children delights him, yet he feels so young and ill-equipped.

Leia is so strong in comparison that he can't help but admire her. And when he admires anyone, he is eager to learn from them; to improve himself. To shake off the childhood that left him desperate and broken.

"I welcome any advice." he smiles, nodding at her terms, "I'm Meng Yao. If you have encountered other Cultivators aboard the train, I am like them." only, "I'm much weaker. I know there are obstacles preventing me from reaching my full potential."

Xichen continues to lead the exercise, flowing from pose to pose, though once he can see Meng Yao relaxing into the meditation, he lets his own mind wander. Habit turns the exercise into cultivation, though in the Void there is no heaven or earth to connect to.

He doesn't try to heal himself. He knows he doesn't deserve it.

Instead, after a while, he speaks out gently.

"Meng Yao. Careful to not exhaust yourself."

He does not stop him, yet, but he does try to gently call him to the present.

"Well she's not really a child any more," Leia said, "but yes, it is a bit. Though probably not for the same reasons you're thinking of. You see, as it turns out, there's more than one version of the world she and I come from. In the version she comes from, I had three children; herself and her twin sister- Jaina-, plus their younger brother- Anakin. Whereas in mine, I only ever had one child, a son named Ben. So while being a mother in general isn't unusual for me at this point, having a daughter is a new experience."

Though from her tone, it certainly wasn't a bad one. There were a number of things about Jaisyn that reminded her of Ben, both physically and in terms of personality, and just as many things that were all her own. Leia was looking forward to getting the chance to get to know her- and by extension, her other children from that version of their galaxy- properly.

"There are always obstacles involved in someone reaching their full potential," she said. "But that's part of what makes the journey to find it worthwhile; you often learn more from your mistakes and wrong turns along the way than you do from your successes."

"As for Cultivators, I think I've met one or two, yes, but we didn't really discuss the subject in detail. Can you tell me a bit about Cultivation in your world?"

Huaisang is quiet for a bit when the other sits across from him. He's exhausted as he glances at the otiher.

"Mm?"

It's not completely dismissive at least.

Seeing Huaisang's face brings back good memories. Meng Yao has to remind himself that things are different now. After drinking some tea, he continues:

"I've never been good at it, but we are using movement to...settle my mind. You repeat the motions until you needn't think about them. I find that to be calming."

Things are very different. Huaisang wishes they weren't. He wishes the truth was a lie or that he could make himself forget the pain, the betrayal. He wishes he could separate the past and present but -- there are too many questions he can never trust the answers to when given by Meng Yao. His fingers tighten on his cup.

"Ah," Huaisang says quietly. "Is it only calming?"

Jin Ling wants to point out that he thinks it's just strong enough. After all this uncle is directly responsible for Jin Zixuan's death how could he not have hated him?

"So you kill him because you were jealous?"

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[Open] Oh that I had a bird’s wings.

soar high

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Soar high

unmeasured void, like his soul

soar

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