Taking Some Me-Time [Open Catch-All]

[worthallthis]

Who: Bucky Barnes AKA Soldat, and OPEN
Where: Each prompt will have a car listed
When: Kazoo 13 and 14
What: The Bottomless Pit has something to say about self-care, and Soldat comes back
Warnings: Amiable disassociation, possible discussion of trauma


I. A First Time For Everything - Kitchen Car, Kazoo 13

This is ridiculous. The Bottomless Pit (that is not their name, but they don't know their name anymore, so they have accepted it for now) is not having any more of this "not sleeping" and "not eating" and "not taking care of the body" thing that is happening. The Sergeant slipped away during the morning unconscious time, and the Asset is close but not interested in shooting anything, and the actual host is still hiding and it is entirely unacceptable.

So the Bottomless Pit is using the body. The Bottomless Pit is in the kitchen car piling a plate high with as much food (and some not food) that they can scrounge up, and the Bottomless Pit is going to eat it all.

Anyone walking in early this morning will find Soldat muttering to themselves under their breath, only it's not English or Russian like usual, but some kind of sing-song, tonal, almost grammarless language. "No caring, no eating, no comfort, no nothing," they say to themselves. "All idiots. All stupid. Too much thinking. No, angry one, I want that--" A pause. "--well, if angry one is certain. Not wanting to hurt the body."

They put the plastic ceran wrap away. They won't eat it. Fine.


II. Taking It For Themselves - Spa car, Kazoo 13

The plate is taken from the kitchen to the spa car. And they wait outside until they're certain it's empty.

Then they go inside, close and lock and barricade both doors, and finally strip down to drop themselves into the hottest of the tiered pools with a happy sigh. The Bottomless Pit is finally warm and comfortable and is going to just sit and eat in peace.

Anyone trying to get from the sleepers to the armory and beyond, or going the other direction for that matter, will have to bang on the door for a while, shove the heavy shelving and massage tables blocking the doors away, or teleport through. The Bottomless Pit will not help. The Bottomless Pit will yell in the host's stupid human voice, "Go away! We are having a bath!"


III. Waking Up Again - Kazoo 13, Sleeper car Lower 2:A, closed to roommates

The Bottomless Pit sent the body to bed after the bath, and they actually slept, and now... Soldat wakes up. This is why no one else had wanted to sleep. They stay in bed for a good chunk of the day, which is stupid, and means if one of their roommates comes in, they'll find them bundled under their bearskin blanket, awake but not wanting to move.

"Hi," they say wearily. "Sorry. I'll get up." They do not get up, at least not until evening, at which point they trudge into the kitchen for some dinner and then sit in the standard car listening to people, or music, or both.


IV. Back To Normal (?) - Wildcard me, all over, Kazoo 14

The next day Soldat makes themselves get back to work. They have meals to cook and prep, people to teach the basics of falling and fighting, people who probably worried about them. So it's back into their standard routine they go, from patrol to kitchen to afternoon nap to kitchen to training car to patrol. And squeezed in between, they seek out a handful of people to talk to.

The Asset needs apologized for. Some people probably need reassurance that they're okay after their day of being very much not themselves. A couple people need a proper explanation of what happened in the maze.

They can't seem to find Steve, though, which is... weird....

Comments

[worthallthis]

Soldat shakes their head a little. "It's fine. I don't. Really want them gone, or anything." Well, maybe the Pit. (Hey. Who was it who kept you fed and got you a bath! In the worst way possible, you numbskull.)

Soldat endeavors to ignore the bickering, trucking on heavily for Guri: "But you should have known about them. You're part of my team. I shouldn't have kept them secret when they could have come out at any time and confuse people or throw them off because I look like I'm acting differently."

[marvelous_murderbot]

She frowns, trying to understand.

"Would it not become problematic? Leaving it uncertain what sort of programming is in charge of your body?"

That's how she views personalities, really. For all that they are, they're essentially programming.

"But I would not mind a primer, to be of aid in future."

[worthallthis]

"Maybe. But it's like." They try to think of a good way to compare it to the kind of programming she's more familiar with. "It's all programming that comes from me. I coded it. Maybe I didn't code it very well, but it's mine, and it's familiar, even if sometimes it's annoying."

They finally collect one of the cookies for a bite, a break in between words. "There's three. Besides me. Sarge, who is mostly friendly and talks a lot. The Asset, who fights and defends. The Bottomless Pit, who. I don't know what they do, really. Mostly make me want to eat." (Or sleep. Or be warm. Or bathe!)

[marvelous_murderbot]

She thinks about that, nodding. "That makes sense, but what purpose do they serve, that would not be better executed as a unified set?"

Her mind is thinking in redundancies, probabilities, and eventualities. She hasn't experienced trauma in the same way, hasn't had her mind altered by essentially brute force. Just bits added on, and memories she had deleted.

"Three others," she adds, nodding further. "Very well. I will remember that, and be able to differentiate."

[worthallthis]

"I don't know." They sound tired, saying it. They are tired. "I have theories, but I don't know if any of them are right. All I know is I think I'd be lonely without them. I'm used to them, sniping at each other in my head. Ganging up on me to make me take care of myself. Getting things done when I can't. If the Asset hadn't been there, on the mission, faced with the thing that made me-- I'd have been useless."

[marvelous_murderbot]

"I understand."

And she does, though she's still not entirely convinced it is how human minds should, under normal circumstances, function.

"Have you...been able to talk to a professional on the human mind about this?"

[worthallthis]

"I've never known any," Soldat shrugs, looking uncomfortable with the idea. "So, no. We had a book on PTSD back in Beacon, and I memorized that, but not an actual person. I don't. Know if I could. I really don't want anyone thinking they need to be gone. I know it's probably not healthy, or. Whatever. But." They really don't want to be alone in their head again. It sounds terrifying.

[marvelous_murderbot]

"I see," she replies, thinking it through. It...makes sense. Sort of. Still, the idea of rogue programming that could supersede her at any point is a strange concept to her.

"Do you...have control, in normal times? Like if they did anything untowards, you could...command them?"

She pauses.

"Or is there anything I should look out for?"

[worthallthis]

"I'm usually the one out here, yes. Mostly they don't come. Come out. Sarge might for long enough to make a joke, or the Asset if we're fighting." They haven't tried to wrest control back from any of them in... well over a year. Not since that one time the Asset panicked and tried to choke Sora, but that had been when it first manifested and didn't know or trust any of them.

They chew another bite of cookie for a moment, then decide, "I think if there was an emergency I could take my body back. I don't know that it will be necessary, though. They won't hurt anyone on my team. On this train. Unless we're threatened."

[marvelous_murderbot]

She has to take him at his word on all this. She has very little information on psychology, and is having to make decisions based on who she meets. She's fairly certain it is not what people would term 'healthy', but on the train...perhaps 'functional' is the best that can be expected.

"Unless threatened," she repeated, slowly. Because she's heard that phrase before and it is one that can be wildly interpreted.

[worthallthis]

"Physically. With a knife or a gun or a punch. Even then. Mostly likely they'll let me handle it," Soldat says with a small shrug, looking at the cookie box. They might need to give Guri a lesson in cookie-making. Or a better recipe. They're not bad, but they could be better. (Is that really something to be thinking about right now? I can't help it. Maybe it makes me a bad friend. Well, I wouldn't go that far.)

That does beg the question, though: "I haven't been a danger to anyone since I came on board. Have I?" It's not entirely rhetorical. They wouldn't mind an answer, in case there's something they missed.

[marvelous_murderbot]

"I wouldn't know," she replied, "I came on board well after you, I believe. I'm just...concerned for your health, always. Especially given recent events, and the last few missions."

[worthallthis]

"Not that long after. Maybe two platforms." They finish off the cookie. "I'm all right, promise. Tired, but all right. Give me a day or two and I'll be right as rain." They give Guri a wan little smile. "Shoulda seen me after the first mission I was on, here. Not bad like this, but. Falling asleep everywhere." The last mission they'd managed to short-circuit post-mission lethargy by dying, this time by actually sleeping in a secured apartment. But before that....

[marvelous_murderbot]

"Perhaps at another one of our stops, though, there will be a professional you can consult," she persisted.

"They could at least recommend enhancements or improvements."

It may work - and he's convinced her of that much - but it seems like an unsustainable thing to her. The programming metaphors were ultimately not reassuring.

Every now and again, a programmer's hand...couldn't go amiss, surely?

[worthallthis]

They sigh a bit, tired, and not in the mood for arguing about it. "All right. If we stop somewhere and you can find a. A headshrink." That's not the right word, but it's the only one they're coming up with. "Or whatever. I'll talk to one."

[marvelous_murderbot]

She nods.

"Code needs to be checked, every now and again. If I ever meet an expert programmer, I'll have my own reviewed, just in case."

She worries because she cares, and her expression ought to show that fairly clearly.

[worthallthis]

Whereas the idea of submitting to anyone else having a hand in their "code" makes Soldat shiver. They've had enough people messing in their brain for a lifetime, and they don't trust most people to not make changes to someone like Guri just to suit themselves.

They lean forward, blanket still wrapped around their shoulders, to say earnestly, worried themselves, "Before you do. Guri. Please make sure another person or two talk to them? Make sure they don't mess with something you don't want them to?"

[marvelous_murderbot]

She smiles.

“I am not stupid,” she replied, choosing to exercise some of her humour. “I would have Entrapta there to check they can add and you there to ensure they are too properly intimidated to do wrong.”

[worthallthis]

They sag back against the wall a little. "Okay. Okay, good. Just had to make sure. Your code is probably a lot easier to fuck up on purpose than mine is." Theirs is all murky and biological. Hers... they don't actually know. Soldat was never really trained in computer coding.

[marvelous_murderbot]

“Fuck,” she repeats, frowning briefly. “Oh! You mean like kriff, or kark. A multipurpose expletive.”

She nods.

“If someone knew what to do. I suspect it would be a monumental task outside my universe or a similar one.”

[worthallthis]

"In this case, means to mess up or mess around with," Soldat offers with half a smile. They're surprised that didn't translate properly, honestly. Most people seem to get curses without having to ask. "Anyone who would know your code well enough to fix it would know enough to intentionally break it. Put in a back door. I just don't want anyone able to control you, again."

[marvelous_murderbot]

Most people on here have a brain made out of meat.

"Me neither. Which is why I'd rely on my friends."

But then she pauses, her thoughts taking a turn.

"It also occurs to me," she said, "that at least one of you should know what to do in case...the worst happens. In case someone does reprogram me, or there is a catastrophic failure owing to heavy damage or some other cause."

[worthallthis]

They blink once, then sit up a little straighter. Fall-back murder plan. They're already somebody else's fall-back murder plan. In a place where they come back from dying perfectly healed, this isn't even such a bad thing. "What do you need me to do."

[marvelous_murderbot]

"Engage from range," she replied, simply. "It is unlikely that weapons relying on physical penetration will fail, if of a sufficient caliber. Aim for the base of the neck, it can sever the power linkages to the brain."

She says it all with perfect matter-of-factness.

"This should work unless I've equipped some form of melee shield, in which case a switch to an energy weapon would be advisable."

[worthallthis]

"I don't have an energy weapon," Soldat admits. They're not terribly concerned, however. "But my rifle is capable of punching through many defensive layers. And I have near-perfect aim. I once shot a Nazi office through a six-inch long gap at five hundred yards. I should be able to manage to find an angle for your neck unless your shield is full body somehow."