voidtreckerexpress | the edge of despair [closed]

Entry tags:

the edge of despair [closed]

Who: Mami and the Kyokos
Where: Hallways->quiet car
When: Llama 16, evening
What: Mami follows up on a disturbing plot thread
Warnings: child death/possible suicide discussion, Madoka Magica spoilers. Will add others as needed.

Mami hasn't slept well the last few nights. There's been a terrible question at the edge of her mind, one that she can't dismiss, as much as she wants to. It makes too much sense. Soul gem, grief seed, the mystery of what happened to Sayaka, the similarities with witches and magical girls....is this the reason she suspected everyone was hiding something from her?

Could it be true? Will she fall and hurt everyone if Rosetta ever fails to keep her gem clear? She doesn't want to know, but for everyone's safety, she must. So she sucks up her courage and asks.

"Kyoko...do you have a few minutes? There's something I need to ask you.".
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Hmm? Yeah, I got time. What's up?

I've been doing some thinking, about all we saw on the mission...

[ Deep breath. She can do this. She must do this. Though her hand trembles a little, and Rosetta comes running down her shoulder to sit in her hand for pets. ]

The witch who killed Sayaka, Oktavia...

[ The screams. The oddly familiar shape. The odd thing Ophelia had said about her doppel. ]

I've been thinking about what you said about doppels. About how Ophelia is like a second side you control, and you don't have to worry about keeping your soul gem clean anymore. But if a magical girl doesn't have that control...are witches like doppels that are out of control?

...Heh. Man, every time I think I've got you pegged, you find a new way to surprise me.

[Kyoko takes a pouch of apple juice out of a pocket and drinks it down for a moment.]

Yeah, you got it. That's exactly what a Witch is: a magical girl's rage and despair gone completely out of control. Those emotions tear their way out of the Soul Gem, shattering it and twisting what remains into a Grief Seed. I said the Mermaid Witch killed Sayaka, and that's true, but it's also just as true to say that she was Sayaka.

[The pouch shrivels as Kyoko empties it. She looks up, not quite meeting Mami's eyes.]

You... understand why I didn't tell you sooner, right?

Then it's true...if I fail, I'll become...

[ She closes her eyes tightly and rests a hand on the nearest door. It's a struggle not to cry, and her gem is...well, Rosetta immediately gets to work. ]

And there's no way to gain that control without having been where you were, is there?

No way that I know of, at least. It's possible there's some way I don't know about, but I'm no expert. All I know is what me and Ophelia have been able to piece together. We've got a handful of ideas, but they're probably all longshots. Here, I'll let her talk.

[A Phantom appears next to Kyoko, briefly looking unsettled before a long colorful kimono materializes on her. As it does, her expression gains a calmness that might seem strange on Kyoko's face.]

Hello again, Mami-dono. As Kyoko-sama said, neither of us are true experts, but I carry a certain amount of insight from my nature as a Doppel myself. I can at least tell you the bare minimum requirements for one such as I to exist, uncommon as they may be.

...Please tell me.

[ That's something to focus on other than this fear. She needs to step away from the fear. She nods shakily, leaning on the wall. ]

Very well. There are two conditions which must be met for a Doppel to exist: First, a space must be created where a Witch cannot form. This was accomplished in the case of Kyoko-sama via the reinforcement of her Soul Gem, creating a prison from which my more brutish prior form could not break free.

The second is that the master of the Doppel must prove their right to dominance by overcoming the emotion it was born from. For example, I am the Doppel of Wudan, born from Abandonment. I became a possibility when Kyoko-sama decided to refuse to distance herself from others to avoid pain. So long as Kyoko-sama does not regress, I shall not revert.

Deceptively simple sounding, no?

I...understand, I think.

[ Mami sucks in a breath. ]

But how can I find out what negative emotion will break me and defeat it?

[ And can she manage it without breaking? ]

Reflection, of course. Witches and Doppels are not born from weak emotions, after all. If the other condition is met, it will be but one feeling that decides the form Candeloro will take. Witch or Doppel, it depends on your ability to face yourself. But do not fret too much, I have utmost faith in the one Kyoko-sama respects so much.

Gah! Shut it, Ophelia! See, this is why I don't usually let you run your mouth like this!

Edited 2021-06-03 05:57 (UTC)

[ Mami manages a weak laugh. ]

It's...all right. That's very sweet of you. Even now, knowing the danger, you stay. That means so much to me.

[ She still sounds burdened by sadness, but...there's still a chance. It might be okay. ]

Do you think I should talk to the others? You've all been keeping this secret so long...

Of course I'm staying! I've already abandoned you once, and that was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. You won't be getting rid of me a second time that easily.

And you should definitely tell the others. It would get pretty damn awkward if they kept walking on eggshells around you when you already knew.

You're right. Thank you, both.

[ She's feeling a little...less certain, so she bows politely. ]

I'll let you know.

Hey. Arianna-nee once told me that she would make sure it would never come to the worst case for me. I didn't quite believe her, but it was enough to get me moving. Sure, she didn't actually have anything to do with my Doppel herself, but I probably wouldn't be here right now if not for that.

[Kyoko gives Mami a small smile.]

What I mean is, it might sound sappy and cliché, but a little bit of hope does go a long way.

Later that evening, Mami follows the trace of magic to find her other red-headed companion. It's not too difficult...but ah, Kyoko might notice that Mami looks worried.

"May I speak to you for a few minutes? It's about a serious subject, but I trust you with it."

This can't be anything good, is Kyoko's first thought, just from the look on Mami's face.

"Uh... Yeah. Sure." Kyoko looks around them. It's not exactly the most private of places, and if it's serious, then they probably don't want to do this here. "Where to?"

Maybe this is something about the illusions they faced. They haven't really talked about all that, so it'd make sense. It's the only guess she has, though.

"This way." And Mami carefully leads Kyoko to a quiet carriage, silent all the while. Even Rosetta is silent, but she hovers on Mami's shoulder.

At last, they reach the place. It's time. She speaks hesitantly, still adjusting to these words.

"I saw...some things, on the last mission. They raised questions for me, and when I thought about it...I know, now. What happened to Sayaka. What will happen to us if we lose control."

Ice drops into Kyoko's stomach, and her first reflex is to deflect. She tamps it down firmly. She can't let herself mess this up. She can't.

Still... She ends up stalling for a moment. She reaches into an inside pocket in her new coat and pulls out a box of pocky. Working into the package buys her the time she needs to sort through her thoughts.

"Lose control... huh. If you're talking about what I think you are..." She tucks a pocky stick in the corner of her mouth and tilts the open end of the package towards Mami. "Then I guess that's a nice way of putting it."

"Mm. We're the witches. Soul gems become grief seeds. Hope becomes despair. It's all so neat and orderly, why didn't I see it before...?"

Mami sounds a little frightened. Rosetta is here doing the work, but there's enough of Mami left that she's not in real danger at the moment. She takes the candy and nibbles on a piece.

"I asked your twin what I should do...she said I need to figure out which flaws will turn me into a witch and conquer them. Did you do that?"

The idea that she conquered any of her flaws makes her snort quietly. "No. I don't know what she's talking about, honestly. Homura and Kyubey told me about all this after it happened to Sayaka, and they didn't mention anything about anything like that."

Kyoko's own expression is somber, muted, but she's watching Mami closely even as she picks out another stick of pocky. This one, she breaks a small piece off of and holds it out to Rosetta.

"And... About that... I'm... sorry I lied to you earlier. About Sayaka." Kyoko can't quite bring herself to meet Mami's eyes. "I told the same thing to Madoka. That we talked it all out. But the truth is, I didn't get my act together until the very end, when it was too late." She breaks off another piece of pocky for Rosetta. It gives her hands something to do.

"But... We talked. You and me. Or... The you from my timeline. Whatever. We talked about it. After... fighting about it. And I told you something then that I should tell you now." She presses her lips together briefly, then sighs through her nose. "I think there was a time I woulda turned into a witch. Back when my family died. I guess that's not really a surprise when you really think about it. But what saved me was... you. Thinking about you. About everything you'd done for me. Knowing that I wasn't actually alone."

Kyoko finally begins to chew on her own pocky. "Even in the end, just before I came to the train. I was fighting a witch, and I was running out of magic. But I'd made a promise to come back to you. To live to atone for my sins." And then she'd died anyway. She still kind of questions it, if the train picked her up before she actually died. But she knows that she was dying. She doesn't know if that's a good thing or not to tell Mami right now, though. "So... I dunno. I don't really know what we're supposed to do. Except stick together." Just... like Yondu's been telling her, over and over.

"Oh...Kyoko..."

Mami shuffles a little closer and leans against her side. She's not leaving her alone right now. Neither is Rosetta, who hops on over to comfort Kyoko after a squeak. Pocky is delicious! It's almost enough to make Mami smile.

But not yet.

"I think that's my fear, too. That I'll be left alone again, that nothing can last. I have to believe that's not true. And with you...I can really believe it."

A shallow breath.

"No matter what. We can't let the loneliness destroy us."

A little bit of heat rises in Kyoko's cheeks, but she reaches to grasp Mami's hand without hesitation.

She can't say it, because it gets stuck in her chest when she even tries to think about it, but... The fact that Mami believes in her like this... That she's saying she believes Kyoko won't abandon her again is...

It means everything to her. Everything.

She wants to be someone Mami can rely on again. But on some level, she still doesn't feel like she deserves it. Still believes that she's only going to disappoint Mami, that there's no way she can live up to her expectations. Just because of who she is as a person. The rest of her has set that feeling aside -- She wants to be here with Mami no matter what, and has decided that she's going to be. She's going to work hard to make up for everything she's done, and she's going to keep working hard to make up for anything else she messes up along the way. That way, she can feel like she's earned her place at Mami's side.

So... Mami already saying she really does believe that things with Kyoko can last...

Her grip on Mami's hand is tighter than she realizes. "I'm keeping this promise. I'm not gonna choose to leave you again, no matter what happens. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I don't know if I'd even be the person I am now if I hadn't met you. I'm not... I don't wanna mess this up again."

Mami is so happy that she could cry. She is crying a little, actually. This is all that she wants...maybe there's a future for her after all. For them. It's there if they only fight for it.

"I won't give up on you this time. If we stumble, we can pull each other back up. Right?"

There's an urge to deny that Mami chose to give up on her -- to insist that Kyoko pushed her to it, forced her hand, and on purpose, too. That much is true. But, deep down, she still can't entirely shake the look in Mami's eyes as they stood off in front of Sayaka's labyrinth. That wasn't this Mami. This Mami has never looked at her with those eyes.

But even knowing they're from different timelines, different universes, parallel, never meant to touch, only doing so because of the train -- Even knowing, in her heart, it feels more than a little bit like forgiveness from the Mami who did look at her with those eyes. Forgiveness that she would've thought she didn't need, didn't deserve. It's... a complicated feeling, for as refreshing, relieving as it is. A light, cool touch to her heart.

"Yeah. That's right." Kyoko's head is tilting without her being entirely aware of it, leaning against Mami's. "We've got each other's backs. No matter what."

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