Shadow Link (older) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shadowcourage) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
voidtreckerexpress2021-08-10 11:04 pm
shadowcourage) wrote in voidtreckerexpress2021-08-10 11:04 pm
Entry tags:
We're trying so hard to get it all right
Who: Shadow Link, Clef, selected individuals
Where: Training Gym Carriage
When: Merriment 21
What: Emotional Drama
Warnings: Very emotional arguments that involve family.
Shadow knew himself. He had to know himself. If he wanted to be more than a shadow, he had to be aware of his own shortcomings and compensate for them so he could stay on the track that was important to him.
He had known for years Clef didn't understand that. Its why he had kept him at a distance on purpose. He couldn't risk someone being close who didn't understand that.
But he supposed the danger of trying to be a person is person things happened, like emotions sneaking up on you. It was unfortunate. It just meant he had to be more aware of his own feelings. He had to keep the hurt away from his heart.
But Link and Clef have never been able to talk and....
He couldn't stand Link being hurt more.
So he had to try something.
Which is why when he finds Clef during his exploration, he decides its time to try.
"Come with me," he said flatly, in a tone that isn't likely to listen to argument.
Where: Training Gym Carriage
When: Merriment 21
What: Emotional Drama
Warnings: Very emotional arguments that involve family.
Shadow knew himself. He had to know himself. If he wanted to be more than a shadow, he had to be aware of his own shortcomings and compensate for them so he could stay on the track that was important to him.
He had known for years Clef didn't understand that. Its why he had kept him at a distance on purpose. He couldn't risk someone being close who didn't understand that.
But he supposed the danger of trying to be a person is person things happened, like emotions sneaking up on you. It was unfortunate. It just meant he had to be more aware of his own feelings. He had to keep the hurt away from his heart.
But Link and Clef have never been able to talk and....
He couldn't stand Link being hurt more.
So he had to try something.
Which is why when he finds Clef during his exploration, he decides its time to try.
"Come with me," he said flatly, in a tone that isn't likely to listen to argument.
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"And ya just did. Because I had to drag ya out of the void, and according to ya, that meant ya had no will to live."
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Would Shadow work with him on that, teach him? How could he even ask without making things even worse between them? He wanted things to be better between them, not worse. He just didn't know how to make that happen.
"I have no recollection of that, nor does it fit what I know of myself. Why would I have given up? I..." still have so much research to do. And there was Link. Even if he was coming to realize that he... might not be needed at home anymore. At least a few stops ago on the train he had gotten to talk to the Princess and Presea and the others, had gotten to say goodbye.
Even if Link said they hadn't really been there, they had to have been. That... That he would have known if it was fake... right? Wouldn't he...?
Now for the first time, he found himself doubting.
But if that hadn't been them, then what was going on at home? What...
What was actually real? How was he supposed to know...?
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"Like blaming Link for not being good enough at Diagad, when the truth is, yer so unable to question yerself, it makes ya the perfect target to be controlled. Self doubt and the ability to make peace with that self doubt, is key to fending off mind control. Ya can't do that. To the point ya'd rather die then doubt yerself," Shadow said, leaning against the door.
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"And I never said Link wasn't good enough...!" He... he just was...
Why was he the only one not allowed to be hurt? Why was he supposed to always be honest with his son but also supposed to hide how he felt? That was what made no sense. Link didn't want to be left behind but neither did Clef. At least... now he didn't. It never really bothered him before. But now he had people that if he lost...
His life had been dedicated to the princess, his students, and his studies. But had his princess been safe and just no longer needed him... Actually that had happened, before she was taken. He had seen her and Ferio less and less once she moved past what he could teach her, once her power was so much stronger than his that he was needed only for advice. And that only rarely, because Ceiphro, frankly, was peaceful. Or had been. And Ferio...
There were reasons he wanted Ferio and Link to meet. And reasons he dreaded them meeting. and they were... pretty much the same reasons. The two were so alike, would get along so well. He just knew it.
Would Link also decide he no longer needed Clef then, though...?
Clef saw him so rarely on the train as it was. Was this... this the beginning of it happening again? But this time... this time it would hurt. So much. But was it best for Link...?
If.. If he had given up, if his Will had flagged like Shadow had said.... was that why?
No... he would stay until Link decided he no longer needed him, right...? Right?
Not that it was likely to take much longer. Link... He had always wondered why Link had actually accepted him, how he could ever be good enough to be Link's father and now Link himself was questioning it...
Shadow thought he never questioned himself? He always questioned himself. Constantly. That was why he always tried so hard to be more, to be better, to be able to keep them all safe. Because he knew he wasn't doing enough, wasn't good enough. It was why he stopped letting people calling him Guru for a while, because he questioned if he still deserved the title.
"I question all the time," he said finally, softly. "If I could stop being controlled all the time, then I would have one less thing to always question myself over." He rubbed at his face, surprised to find it wet. He closed his eyes and let his hands stay over his face.
He wanted to be good enough, to be able to protect his boys and Zelda. To be able to make it up to the Knights. To know that everyone he cared about was safe and happy.
Never question himself? He was constantly aware of how inadequate he was to that task.
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"And ya did. Ya put it on Link for not breaking ya out sooner. Despite the fact he knew he wasn't getting through to ya, and despite the fact I needed him and I was becoming a danger to ya. Link did the best thing he could have at the time. He hated he had to, but he couldn't find a way to break ya out and deal with me and abandoning me would have made me worse. He knew he could help me. All he would have with ya was throwing rocks at a mountain in the hopes it'd collapse. He chose the option where he could actually made a difference because ya refused to be helped." Shadow was almost snarling at the end, fangs visible for a moment.
Then he closes his eyes, breathes, let it out. "Fact is, it sucked that's what we had to do. But all other options were going to be worse. But yer too obsessed with thinking ya can logic out of mind control and hating yer own weakness to recognize yer son was doing his best, and he will already never forgive himself for having to leave ya behind, and ya just throw it in his face so he feels worse."
He opens his eyes, looking at Clef with a hard look. He's too mad to be swayed by tears. Whatever worry and fondness there was, was overwhelmed by anger and resentment and hurt. And in the end, he doesn't lie about what he is.
"No, ya question what is safe to question. 'I don't know what fatherhood is like objectively, so I'm allowed to question it.' 'I don't know how to not be controlled, so I can question how to do it.' Ya don't ever look at yerself and wonder 'maybe the way I approach things is wrong.' Or 'maybe I'm too stuck in my own bias to learn.' Yer so used to being the wise old man ya forget yer as clueless as a kid in these other places and ya just don't learn. And when pushed, when yer own brain told ya something ya didn't like, instead of going 'wait, is this me,' ya decided 'well, this is terrible enough, I'll just give up entirely and die.'"
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"And I was not refusing to be helped! I was trying desperately too understand, but yu two kept jumping from topic to topic from strategy to strategy so fast that every time it felt like I thought I might have a grasp on some faint understanding, it was just gone again! I kept begging that we all just sit and talk! Why couldn't we have just started from the top and just talked?! Calmly, rationally, figuring out together what was real! Why was I unwilling to listen or bad or whatever it was you thought I was just because I was still trapped? I WAS TRYING TA UNDERSTAND AN NEITHER OF YA COULD GIVE ME TWO WHOLE SECONDS TA JUS THINK!"
He winced. He had been doing so much better about his temper, and his accent. He was mad at himself for letting both slip. Link said it, he was supposed to be the father. And Shadow had made it clear to him that his own temper was not allowed, needed to be shoved to the side if he wanted to be a good father.
He was TRYING to learn. He was trying his hardest. That his best wasn't enough was a yet. He could always improve. He was trying to improve. He was studying as hard as he could. But none of the books helped with any of this!
"I NEVER CHOSE TO JUST GIVE UP AND DIE..." Well accent was under control. But the temper...
He struggled to pull it in, to try and shove his anger away where it wouldn't hurt Shadow. Or Link. "I am trying to learn! And I do question everything! But there are only so many minutes in each hour! Trust me, if I had a spell that let me follow every question and study every subject all at once all the time, do you think for a moment I wouldn't use it!? I AM TRYING!"
But everyone kept expecting him to learn faster, to be there already. Learning, proper learning took time. An unimportant skill could take easily a hundred years to gain a firm understanding. Important ones, like how to be a good father, how to fight the mind control.... those... it made sense for them to take longer! He'd been alone for centuries for the most part. He'd had his new family for less than a decade. But they expected him to have figured everything out by now! Learning didn't happen that fast! Not with things that mattered, especially! And right now nothing mattered more than Link, Shadow, Zelda, and learning how to protect and be there for all of them!
All he ever asked of Link was that he try, that he not give up. Clef himself was trying. But somehow that was never what anyone seemed to want of him. He knew how to study. He was very good at it. It was one of the few things he was confident at. He knew how to learn. And it took time, magic bless it!
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Shadow scoffed. "Which also proves ya don't listen. Ya can't talk yer way out of mind magic. Even going by different rules, the only way its gonna be effective is if it uses logic against the brain. The brain is great at justifying things. Anyone whose even a little good at it knows to push the story that the person will believe. Take a guard? Well, they're guarding something and their former friend is a traitor, or an impostor. Need a villager? Well, their friend needs their help with something. And ya? Considering ya can't even admit I'm not yer son under normal circumstances, ya weren't gonna let go of yer little fantasy with logic. But no, can't believe Shadow on the thing he did for months at a distance on several individuals. I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about, right?" There is definite bitterness and resentment in his voice.
"I WAS LITERALLY WATCHING YA DIE!" Shadow shouted back, whole form turning black for a few moments. "I couldn't even go to get help after I started to investigate because the smallest push was enough to send ya even deeper into the abyss! YA! GAVE! UP!"
"And the only way yer not gonna is if ya admit it and decide to be better because running away from yer flaws and weaknesses just make them worse," he snarled, color returning.
"Even now, yer doing it again. Ya won't listen to me, about things I know, about what I saw. Ya have never once respected my opinion if it didn't fit yer world view. 'Shadow is a good brother, so he understands Link.' Anything outside of that definition, ya have just told me how I am wrong and mistaken, even when its about myself. I keep trying to help ya, because I care about Link and he cares about ya, and I was caring about ya too, until ya made it abundantly clear ya have never tried to know me. Not once. And its just a great metaphor for how ya are, Clef. If it doesn't fit the worldview ya WANT, it isn't worth knowing at all," he said.
He crossed his arms, voice cold. "And that's why we're not family. I won't be that close with anyone who refuses to look at me."
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But the rest of him, the larger part thankfully, was trying very hard to focus on Shadow and what Shadow was saying. "Of course I want to do better! to overcome my flaws! I know I have flaws, everyone does. Why do you think I have been studying so hard on how to protect all of us from mind control?! I know it is one of my weakest points! But I can't just find a solution that only works for me. I need... I have to find a way to protect all of us. Keep us all safe!"
"What do you mean I have never respected your opinion? I have worked so hard, am still working so hard to reshape how I talk and react based on WHAT YOU SAID TO ME! I have tried many times to get to know you! I want to know you!" He looked right at him, desperation in his eyes. "Just because I see you differently than you see yourself does not mean I do not see you, Shadow! I am sure you see me differently than how I see me, we both see Link differently from how he sees himself and differently from how each other sees him! That doesn't make any of the views invalid! And it does not mean I am not desperately trying to get to know you!"
He took a deep breath. He had to say this now, he might never be given another chance. "You made it clear you wanted me to keep my distance, so I have been doing my best to do that, to wait until you WANTED to talk to me. I have been trying this whole time to respect your wishes. So what does that leave me to see? What Zelda and Link say about you, and how you are with them when we're all together! How often you push yourself for their sakes, push aside what you want, for them. You even just said now that you're here to help Link! So why are you so surprised that I see you as a good brother to him and a good person!? You said you wanted to care for me, that is what I wanted too! I have been doing my best to do what you have made it clear you want because I WAS LISTENING!"
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"How ya talk to LINK because me being a good brother fit yer world view," Shadow said. "But when it comes to me or things I know outside of that? Don't see a whole lot of that. And the thing about seeing someone differently from how they see themselves? It takes understanding how they see themselves and why. Because then ya can explain yer point and maybe they'll learn something new. Like Link did."
"But ya have never understood why I see myself the way I do. The fact ya didn't even pick up I don't need to breathe is telling of how much ya've paid attention to what I am and what that means. And as for that talking to ya thing? Yer still on that? Because last I checked, ya got that impression when I rejected ya when I was actively lying to Link and Zelda. And I explained that's why I was the way I was in the library. But of course. Of course ya were too obsessed with feeling sorry for yerself to realize that my aggression, in fact, had nothing to do with ya. And everything to do with the lies I was telling and the trouble I wanted to avoid," Shadow said, leaning forward, hair darker, eyes redder.
"Because if we're talking flaws, that's the big one, Clef. Yer egostical. If it doesn't have to do with ya, then clearly its wrong. I can't be doing things because I'm worried about others, its cause I hate ya. Link can't be leaving to keep me calm, its because he's abandoning ya. Things can't be different from yer world because why would it be? Thoughts ya hate can't be an intruder, because ya would clearly know it is. Thoughts that make ya despair can't be dark manipulations, no, its just ya losing hope, so ya might as well die right there," he said, voice a low, angry hiss.
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Why did people keep accusing him of having an ego?! There was nothing wrong with understanding his own abilities and power and his own worth! But that didn't mean he saw things the way Shadow said he did! No more than anyone else, anyway! "I never said everything had to be about me, not once! And everyone has thoughts they don't like and argue with themselves! Why should I have thought that was manipulation? By questioning we learn and grow! And I am as allowed to be upset as anyone, aren't I? I work so hard to keep my temper in check, but now I'm not allowed to be upset at all? How is that any kind of reasonable!?"
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"Ya don't have to say it, ya act like it. And if ya can't notice when there are weird thoughts, ya will never be able to resist mind control because the ones to fear are the ones who try to not be noticed. Not everyone is gonna go 'bleh, I control ya now,'" he said with a scoff. "And yer allowed to be hurt, yer allowed to be upset. Yer NOT allowed to put the responsibility of being in the situation on yer son. It was the person in control of Diagad and yer own inability to fight back, not Link."